Ex asked not to have DD due to grief

[Somenewname]

I may be unreasonable but I want to get views on this.
I just get annoyed how my ex seems to get a day off parenthood when there’s a problem. He has DD every Wednesday and EOW and he’s reliable and good most of the time. He does cancel for weird things like IBS flare ups etc which annoy me as I’ve had norovirus and looked after her before. Today he’s messaged saying he can’t have DD this Wednesday because his stepdads funeral is Friday and he needs time to think. I get that grief is hard but his stepdad died in December and he’s had her throughout January so I don’t understand why he can’t now? I just feel it’s frustrating and maybe him cancelling in the past for small things may have stained my view of this.
I see DD as a good distraction and love having her around especially if I’m feeling low but maybe we are different in that respect?

@Winchestercollege to be fair I can’t pretend I know what it’s like as I’m fortunate enough to not have IBS. I do feel for those who have it bad. The reason I’m suspicious is he never once mentioned having IBS during our relationship and it conveniently only ever flares up on weekends when he has DD. He’s never had a sick day off work in a public facing, demanding job due to IBS and frequently prides himself on how he’s never had a sick day.

UAHBU

On one hand, it's good to have flexibility - and dealing with grief is arguably one of those times - but it sounds like the flexibility is all one way - he's making you the default parent, basically, and that needs nipping in the bud.

I think you need to practice saying "no" sometimes. And all other times, what if you ask him which day he is going to have her instead, rather than him just missing his contact time.

Every time he does this, it's solidifying you as the default parent and him as the one who gets to parent when it suits him. It needs to stop.

If he lived with her he wouldn’t have time out to think. He’d get on and parent the week of the funeral.
Yes you may do more of it, but as it stands you still are as he has mon/tues and thurs to have space.
He can’t just opt out when it’s tough 🤷‍♀️

Reading threads like this, makes me realize how easy I and my ex-wife manage to co-parent.
Flexibility and communication make it all so easy.

He's a part time parent and that's how he sees himself.

Parenting is a nice little extra he does when it's a good time for him.
It's not a basic everyday thing that he has to do regardless.

@JohnKettleyIsAWeatherMan

Most of us accept when we have children that our life will revolve around them for a good few years. You cant (or shouldn't) just give up for a bit when you have other stuff to do.

So people aren't ever entitled to any space or time for their own priorities if they happen to be parents? Not even any space or time to grieve a bereavement? Sheesh.

If you speak to people who are in my situation, totally alone as single parents without family support and just the children around - we will all say the same thing - we aren't able to just take time off parenting - its not a question of entitlement. When I was diagnosed with depression a few years ago after leaving an abusive marriage I had no choice but to keep going for my children - taking them to school, doing their homework, taking them swimming - even though most of the time I wanted to lie in my bed, shut the world out and forget life altogether. I also lost a very dear friend and couldn't go to her funeral because I had no one to look after my children and I had to grieve during whatever spare time I got. That's not said for sympathy - its just a fact of being a single parent.

If people have supportive groups around them who would help them in a difficult situation so they can have time and space to grieve/recover from illness etc then absolutely they can and should do that but the gist of this post is that yet again its someone who parents part time who's decided they cant manage just one day and the responses might be different if the OP was saying they're fantastic at shared parenting 99% of the time - but they don't appear to be.....

He sounds like such a waster OP.🙄

I don't think any reason is reasonable. If he was a resident patent and he was grieving or had IBS or whatever he would have no choice. Looking after your own children does not become something you only do when it is convenient just because you are not in a relationship with their other parent. Him going to a funeral in a couple of days has nothing to do with whether or not he looks after his children.

It’s unfortunate that on this occasion it is possibly quite valid for him to have the day.

However this does mean you have one in the bank surely? And tell him that.

Keep a written record of it all. Share it with him. One businesslike with it. He’s dicking you about and you need to establish better boundaries.

This is why I struggle to empathise. We split when I was pregnant and I just feel as though if I can stay awake all night cluster feeding and rocking DD to sleep as a newborn after a c section and major hemorrhage, he can have her when he has IBS. The problem with the IBS thing also is it was never a ‘can you help me out this weekend - I’m feeling shit’ it was a ‘I cant have her because of XYZ, sorry’ then me and DD had COVID and even after she was testing negative he still refused to have her for another week as he was scared to get it. This is why I feel I instantly turn to frustration with the grief scenario because I’m carrying resentment from previous times where it’s just been assumed that my life will have to stop at his request.

Plenty of parents carry on parenting through periods of grief, illness and personal upheaval. Many do it full time and some do it on their own. I think it's rather hard on your daughter always to play second fiddle to whatever else is going on in his life.

@Bunce1 I agree with you. And I know that he’s doing this because I have allowed it and for that I absolutely am to blame.
I am not going to bring up this grief scenario but in future for illness etc we will have to have a serious word about what’s acceptable and what’s not.

So when he asks you say-

“It’s your contact day/weekend. If you’re struggling it’s up to you to find an alternative. I am not the alternative” rinse and repeat every single time. He’s got to step up.

Sounds like he's cherry picking on the parenting and seeing it almost as doing you a favour. My exH was like this, it had to fit around him and his hobbies. Even left our DD home alone when he knew she was scared so he could go play golf. Told her not to tell me. Also left her with a completel stranger abroad so he could do the same. I couldn't ask him for a favour with childcare as he would have a whole list of return favours prepared. It was all me, me, me.

New girlfriend arrived, Wednesday nights dropped, then all contact altogether. She hasn't seen him for about 8 years.

Some people just aren't parents, aren't attached to their children and see them as objects rather than individuals. Not much you can do about this. Time will probably destroy the relationship with this behaviour. It screams , I don't care!

@Somenewname

Thanks for the comments so far by the way. He would be flexible with me if I needed a favour but he’s had a couple of relationships since DD has been born and when he’s been with someone he’s been difficult and totally inflexible, when he’s alone though he’s much easier and will usually comply with change if/when necessary. I think maybe I’m bringing the past in to this situation perhaps.

My ex husband was just like this, and I suspect many are.

Having an under-5 around requires everything being geared to their needs, even down to the house being made safe for a small child. Some men in particular, especially if not living with this 24/7, have trouble feeling they're doing it ok, and can feel stressed by it.

Add a new gf into the mix and his priorities are really under strain.

It's not very competent or good of him, but he's not alone.

My ex got better and better as our child got older and easier in practical terms to have. Now he's great. He still sometimes finds the juggling of partner and child a challenge, but luckily his partner is fab and I'm delighted she's in our child's life. You can't have too many people to love your kid.

So: I'd cut him the slack. Ride the waves. It might sound a bit long but wait a few years (!) and it should get a lot better. If not, your DD will naturally not need him and that'll be much better for her.

Honestly. I've been through everything over the years including sickness and death and I've still parenting my DS and managed his grief.

He sounds pathetic. I would tell him he needs to swap days. Some parents just rely on the other stepping up.

@FindingMeno

If he thinks his grief ( it can often be quite acute around the funeral) will be detrimental for your dd, I think its fair and sensible.

But if your children live with you, you just have to get on with it. I've lost a friend and a few family members since having DS, including my DGM, which was difficult for a number of reasons, and had to support other family members, help with funeral arrangements and so on. I still had to be a parent and deal with everything around that.

weird things like IBS flare ups

Do you have understanding of how debilitating (and embarrassing) IBS flare-ups can be?

It sounds as if you have no empathy whatsoever.

as much as he stayed with me and tried to help DD is very clingy to me and when we’re both together she always wants me anyway

I think you need to read your comments back to yourself.

Being a single parent is hard; but it does sound as if he will never match up to your expectations.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy I have huge amounts of empathy so unfortunately you haven’t got that part right. What I do lack, is trust in what he says due to his tendency to bend the truth and lie. This is why we are not together. I am rightly suspicious though, because he never had IBS when we were together and has only ever had IBS flare ups on weekends when he has been seeing his previous partners. As soon as he’s out of a relationship with no other commitments to distract him from DD, funnily enough there’s no mention of IBS. As I have said previously, he’s never had a sick day off work and frequently says this, so this apparent IBS has a strange way of only affecting him on weekends when he has DD.

My nan died recently. I didn't get to opt out of parenting. My children still needed feeding and looking after. I did my thinking after they were in bed. It sounds like he's taking the piss.

I understand where you are coming from but I disagree. If he was a full time parent, he could drop your daughter off with family or a friend, or even a babysitter. He's asking you to take her instead, which I think is fair.

Co-parenting is not an easy task but one of the perks is that you CAN rely on your other parent to step in when things are hard. I look after my stepson more often this month because his mum is 8 months pregnant. In a 'normal' family setup, she'd have to deal with it or leave her son with a nanny / family / whatever. But I step in because I can.

Again I understand it seems like he is getting out of his responsibility of being a parent, but would you not be able to ask the same of him if you were having to attend a funeral? If not, that's a whole separate discussion of course. I think it's nice that you can do this for each other.

Now you’ve put it like that… may I completely change my opinion? Sounds like he doesn’t have IBS at all. Just a major case of the bullshits…

My apologies.

@QuirkyTurtle i
You sound like a level headed person and a good step parent.
It is nice to be flexible and I am ok with flexibility - life happens and I get that!
I think I just feel angry at the past situations where he’s been so difficult with me at times and I’m always compromising far more. Hopefully with time this will get easier and level out.

@GrolliffetheDragon but if the co-parent is able to help out, and that, in turn, is optimum for dd, the situation is different.
I have had to parent through grief and my preference would have been for my dc's not to have exposed to some of the most raw moments.