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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

it annoys me when married women tell me they live like single parents

62 replies

mistressmiggins · 28/11/2007 20:04

I know some people's partners have jobs which take them away a lot BUT if you have a partner, even if dont have physical support, you have support

my soon-to-be ex was away a lot during the week & so yes, I did most of the childcare by myself BUT he was on the end of a phone supporting me (until he started his affair but thats another matter)

when u r a single parent, its all down to u and it is tiring. You cant just have 10 mins to urself or let someone else play with the kids or take time off work - you wake up every morning knowing its u or noone

sorry had bad week

OP posts:

Saturn74 · 28/11/2007 20:07

It must be really tough sometimes.
Sorry you've had a bad week.
Is there anyone that could help out so you can get a bit of a break?
Maybe a friend could babysit for a few hours?

giraffeski · 28/11/2007 20:09

Message withdrawn

AlistairSim · 28/11/2007 20:09

No need to be sorry.

I am so thankful to have a supportive dp. Could not imagine having to go it alone.

Even if he's out all day, I know I have someone to talk to/share it with.

Sorry you are having a rough time at the moment

Original poster

mistressmiggins · 28/11/2007 20:09

am ok really - kids been poorly last 2 weeks & ended up taking time off work cos school sent DS home
ex had them this weekend & ignored my pleas (and drs) to keep them inside & let them rest so am spending this week worrying DS will get sent home again with conjuncitivus

just find it frustrating that ex ignores what I say as me making a fuss

and having friend telling me that she lives like single parent & hates her husband (hes not that bad and they just need to communicate properly)
being a single parent isnt a choice Id have made and the downside of not having your children some weekends is awful

OP posts:

stripeymama · 28/11/2007 20:10

Its ok, it pisses me off too.

Having to organise going in the bath

Not being able to pop to shop for wine/emergency dinner ingredients

Not being able to look forward to partner coming home so you'll have someone to talk to

Bearing the full responsibility for everything - I know you get all the rewards too but it can feel crushing at times

You are doing a great job though. Have wine and chocolate and feel proud

binkleandflip · 28/11/2007 20:11

tbh I think sometimes you can be married and still get up in the morning and think its me or no-one - and I think lots of women believe that they may as well be single parents for all the input their other halves put in.

ComeOVeneer · 28/11/2007 20:12

I must admit I am guilty of saying that at times. DH works crazy hours. He has informed me he won't be home for supper any nights until after supper (last night he got in at 2.30am). But you are absolutely right, it isn't the same. Sorry you are having such a rotten time atm.

Original poster

mistressmiggins · 28/11/2007 20:12

quite stripeymama - its the fact that everytime u have to pop out, u have to take kids

Im doing fine - its just my friend annoying me when she says she feels like leaving - cant go into detail but really she has no reason to leave

OP posts:

binkleandflip · 28/11/2007 20:14

when I want to pop out - I am expected to take dd with me - or have a good reason not to - in some ways it is annoying that I have to answer to my dh and sometimes I do wish I was a single parent tbh as my role wouldnt change at all and I wouldnt have any of the stress of trying to appease him and fit in with his work/moods etc

turquoise · 28/11/2007 20:15

Poor you, sounds like you've had a really rough ride lately and when xh is actively causing more problems rather than just being passively useless, it's infuriating.

Mine frequently sends them back exhausted from late nights, crap food etc, then i have to get them through the week at school dealing with the fallout.

I think the worst thing is the relentless sole responsibility for everything. One example - xp was not around at all the last two christmases and the responsibility and pressure of making sure they had a good time was exhausting.

Original poster

mistressmiggins · 28/11/2007 20:15

I agree binkle - I used to say it myself BUT believe me, when u really r on ur own, its different
no hugs/cuddles
noone to tell how ur day at work went
knowing that if kids r ill, its u that has to leave work
noone to share proud moments of your kids with - my ex never asks how kids getting on at school so why bother telling him - he doesnt even know that DS is playing Joseph in the nativity which considering he is still having speech therapy, is a real achievement for him

OP posts:

mamazon · 28/11/2007 20:17

agree totally MM.

i know they mean no harm but i have heard a lot of people say "well i feel like im single all teh time"

or "oh be glad your single, at least you dont have to XYZ"

yeah its much better having to do everything by myslef and not even able to lock the toilet door in case one of them does something whilst your on the toilet.

Saturn74 · 28/11/2007 20:17

wow - top billing in the nativity!
you must be so proud of your DS.

stripeymama · 28/11/2007 20:18

Ah yes but if your OH is working all the time then he is earning money - something that is considerably harder as a single parent.

I know its tough being a SAHM with a partner - I've done it - but it is nowhere near as hard as being the only parent. Especially if your ex is miles away or unsupportive (or both, in my case)

Original poster

mistressmiggins · 28/11/2007 20:19

I was so proud when he told me and immediately rang my mum who of course was proud too.
hes also been chosen by his teacher to be on the school council (yr1 seems a little young) but again, how proud am I
would so like to tell his dad but he really doesnt show much interest - ended up leaving msg on my parents answerphone telling them

its times like this that being a single parent is crap and hits home that its just you

OP posts:

Original poster

mistressmiggins · 28/11/2007 20:21

my ex also doesnt pay for childcare & only has them 2 or 3 weeks over the entire school yr so I have to put DS into holiday club at my expense.

agree with stripeymama - the financial side is a worry. Im about to increase my mortgage by 50% to pay off my ex - my only other choice is a charge & I dont want that hanging over me

OP posts:

GloriaInEleusis · 28/11/2007 20:45

Hiya miggs. I've never really been able to comprehend how single parents manage. I remember when your XA (x-arse hole) left you and you stood tall. You cut your hair how YOU liked it. You painted the fricken kitchen one night (where on God's Earth did you find the strength for that?!?!) and basically got with your life. I have always admired you for this. I think you are cool, and I just thought I'd come onhere nad give you a big virtual pat on the back because you deserve it.

Hang in ther. You are truly an inspiration to us all.

PS Are you coming to the Christmas meet-up? I would love to meet you in person.

pointydog · 28/11/2007 21:02

yes, I find it a bit patronising too

AMAZINWOMAN · 28/11/2007 21:39

I agree, I find it really annoying too. Even if their partners/ husbands work away, they are still get some financial support!

Coping with kids alone, is so hard. But coping on a BUDGET, even though you are working is just another stress

id rather have a dp working away, cos at least i would have more money!

AMAZINWOMAN · 28/11/2007 21:41

Oh, and forgot to say, with a husband, people dont make judgements about you just because youre a single parent.

macdoodle · 28/11/2007 21:48

I agree its not the same I used to say it when I was with H...and believe it...but now he has actually gone and he is living the life of riley while I am responsible for EVERYTHING...it is not the same at all

bluejelly · 28/11/2007 21:55

I agree, but still think it's better to be a single parent than in a bad relationship. Yes it can be lonely, financially difficult and relentless, but really I still feel freer and more true to myself than when I was with my ex. And there is no reason to think that I will be single forever, so it is just a phase. A tough phase, but a phase nevertheless.

SeaShells · 28/11/2007 21:59

Yes this annoys me too, I recently had my friend tell me she 'never gets a break' - she has a DH who works nights and is there all day - I haven't had even 10mins without one of DCs with me for about 4months!

OverRated · 28/11/2007 22:10

Yes, this irritates me too.

citylover · 28/11/2007 22:28

Sorry MM that you are having a hard time and I hope that you didn't take offence from me in the other thread about working with no family around when I said that I found it only slightly harder than being married.

The working aspect is not that much more difficult really as I think I did most of it when I was married anyway ie the taking and picking up duties.

But the big difference is that the responsiblity for housing/future plans etc now falls solely on me and I do find that very scary. And you are right it is hard to go out or have time alone when it is just you. I have to fight for that and get a day to myself about once per month.

And I did feel like a single parent some of the time (but not all) when I was married.

But in terms of emotional support/hugs etc I didn't get much of that when married so not much change there. I do get lonely but have more of an idea of what I am looking for in a potential partner. (Have a list on my pc at work - sort of tongue in cheek but no harming having a wish list) lol Should I ever meet anyone again!!!!!

I feel as though I have shed alot of problems only to be faced by new different ones. Towards the end of my marriage any security was only an illusion anyway. That was most scary tbh.

I am pessimistic about my housing etc and that worries me but on the other hand am more optimistic about other things than when faced with a depressed H who put a downer on everything.

But it sounds as though your circumstances are a bit different. It all sounded sudden rather than with me a long protracted breakdown. Which I was glad to get out of.

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