it annoys me when married women tell me they live like single parents

[mistressmiggins]

I know some people's partners have jobs which take them away a lot BUT if you have a partner, even if dont have physical support, you have support

my soon-to-be ex was away a lot during the week & so yes, I did most of the childcare by myself BUT he was on the end of a phone supporting me (until he started his affair but thats another matter)

when u r a single parent, its all down to u and it is tiring. You cant just have 10 mins to urself or let someone else play with the kids or take time off work - you wake up every morning knowing its u or noone

sorry had bad week

[missymousie]

What used to get me is married friends telling each other how simple and happy their lives would be if they were single parents and how lucky they thought I was. This is from SAHM moms in happy, stable relationships with caring, financially secure partners.
(I work, receive no financial support and ex is in NZ)

Although I reckon I am very lucky in my life and am content - in the end I got so pssd off I told them I thought they were being utterly insensitive which they were AMAZED at as they had thought they were being supportive of my single parenthood by saying they envied me (sigh...)

[bigwombat]

I can see both sides of this - when married, my ex had become a violent alcoholic and did not work, so gave no financial support and was incapable of providing emotional or practical support. When we split up, I would say things were actually easier as a single parent - I continued to work to support myself and my children and do everything around the house, but had one less (extremely difficult) person to worry about! So in certain situations, I do think there are married women who might as well be single parents, as they have to do everything and the responsibility for everything rests with them.

[mistletoemiggins]

quite right noche
I get told "how lucky" when I have a weekend off
lucky that I dont see my children for 2 days?
lucky that they are 3 hr drive away if anything happened?

bizarre

[noche]

I have a friend who tried to argue that I shouldn't feel p*d off being a single parent because i had "more me time" than she did. By this I think she meant the times when DD goes to her dad's and I try to distract myself but still can't help thinking when I pass her room on the way to bed that it shouldn't be like this-DD should be here with me,not staying in another woman's house. I'd give all the "me time" in the world not to have to "share" my DD with XH's partner.

[edam]

I sympathise with single parents who get pissed off by these comments. My mother was a lone parent and I remember all too clearly how hard she worked, taking all the responsibility for everything.

I moan about dh now and again but am well aware life is a thousand times easier than it would be if I were on my own.

[NKF]

I've heard married women say it (haven't done so myself) but never thought before how idiotic it must sound to a lone parent. It's a good point.

[mistressmiggins]

OJ - ur situation is definitely not what we were referring too so hope u didnt feel got at. not my intention at all.

Absolutely Columbia - thats what I miss - emotional support. I always said that I
could cope / do everything while i had support from my husband...when he started his affair, he withdrew his emotional support & i felt so alone.

for me the main reason I dont like married people saying they are like single parents is because when u r a single parent, u ave to miss ur children at weekends. that is truely awful - and I even get people saying how lucky i am to get a weekend off to myself

yes I get a rest or time for me without responsibiliy / worrying about the children, but it doesnt make up for the rest of the time

and not being able to tell someone how proud u r of ur childrens achievements. my ex rings every other night but the conversation lasts 2 mins cos he asks the same question every time. he doesnt bother to ask how DS is doing in swimming, or anything for that matter

[Columbia]

I think it is mostly the emotional support that is lacking. Physically caring for the children, house, emergencies etc. can be very one-way.
But it's having at the back of your mind the knowledge that 'just wait till I tell DH about this, he'll laugh' or even 'I'll be so annoyed with DH for not being here when this happened' is something we just don't have. And I can see that it is similar when your partner is not helpful, loving or dependable/supportive - or ill, like yours OJ as there's nobody really to share the emotional burdens or joys with.

[Bectheneck]

I've been on my own with DDs since they were both little (now 14 and 16) but I did have support from my Mum, and in-laws when they were younger. This time round with DS (11 months) I have very little. My Mum is now getting on a bit, doesn't drive any more and lives too far away and Ds's Dad's family don't know he exists.

One of my sisters (my best sister!)comes over to see me when she gets a chance but she has a large family so not much time to spare and I don't want to run to her with every problem. Sometimes it would be nice to discuss the really difficult things with someone just to reassure myself I'm doing an ok job.

My daughters help out where they can but I don't like to rely on them too much. It's so hard. I feel like 'Yay, I've made it through the first year! but also feel like I'm running out of steam trying to do everything. I try and be positive but lately I've felt drained and emotional. I wish I could provide security for my family but don't feel able to do it on my own.

I just keep saying 'this too shall pass' and it's getting me through for now.

[alipiggie]

Well I'm on the single parent side now and was on the "married" but felt single side to be honest - my soon to be Ex was away a great deal and commuted so was never around for support for the boys (18mnths apart). He's still no use now either. Being single is terrible, I can't remember the last time I had more than 15 mins to myself. I'm lucky to have a job that suits my life, but no backup childcare and it's way too stressful at the moment.

But having said that, I had no backup when married either and no time off. So I can truly see both sides. But having had a bad day myself today I think if someone had said the same to me I would have flipped .

[Skramble]

I felt like a single parent while still with my husband, not because he worked away a bit, but because everything was down to me, I found it worse because I kept kidding myself I had someone to share that responsibility.

I never got 10 mins to myself, he was never at the end of the phone for support, he was always on his phone to someone else. It was worse when he was at home because he wasn't there in spirit. Any support, childcare or shoulder to cry on was and still is my MIL. Even at special ocassions he would be taking messages and texting staff while hiding his under the table.

I understand what you mean about people who say they feel like a loan parent just cause hubby is away working, thats different. I feel better now I trually am single, I don't have to pretend any more and instead of resenting it I am now pround it is all down to me .

Sorry you having a tough time, I am still on on very scary rollercoaster myself right now.

[handlemecarefully]

Ummm I don't know. It's debatable. Is a single parent with loving supportive and involved grandparents living nearby any worse off than a married mum with a workaholic dh and no support network?

On the whole however I suspect that the role of a single mum is harder than the average 'partnered' mum

[dingdong05]

Ach, I know that "marrieds" who say it aren't being mean, and I know that one can often feel lonely in a relationship too.

In fact sometimes I reckon people feel like they have to say something, that is if the general discussion is about their husbands, one of them will invariably say "oh, you're lucky you don't have all this to worry about" like I don't understand what being in a relationship is like, and I must find it dull because I'm single! They are my friends, and what concerns them concerns me... and I haven't always been single you know!

[cookiesandscream]

i truely don't think anyone meant you OJ.
you are after all in a very difficult situation that i don't think anyone single parent or otherwise would want to trade with you.

[DaphneHarvey]

I'm guilty of voicing this feeling sometimes too and I know for sure it must be annoying for single parents to hear it from people with partners. Tbh I believe I can imagine what its like to be a single parent (small example there was 5 minutes tonight when I thought I might have to take dd to hospital. Both she and ds were butt naked ready for a bath and I was faced with the prospect of organising all that on my own. DH working and too far away to be of any help, although he would be here tomorrow morning).

I've had years of not going to the toilet with the door closed except after the dcs have gone to bed. Never have a bath until that time either. Never pop to the corner shop without them, because DH not at home until after they go to bed.

Financial support aside (and some ex-H's are supportive, must be remembered) it really is possible to feel "single" in a marriage/partnership.

Guess I'm trying to say that sometimes when people say that sort of thing they genuinely do feel single, even if it is actually different, and best not to dismiss their feelings if you can possibly help it. They may be wrong about the reality, but if you are single there is at least a REASON why you feel so stressed, whereas if you are in a supposed partnership, the very fact that you often feel like you're single adds another layer of stress on top of it all. Rambling so will stop and pour another glass ...

[lispy]

I don't know what DLA is but I hope you have a good freind or family member to help you out on some afternoons/weekends. worrying about someone's health is another level altogether.

[Blu]

I think single parents have every right to be annoyed! All these 'absent men' who are out all the time are, in the main, earning money...to which their partners have a fair share in...very very different for single parents.

OJ....yes, you must miss so much . They don't mean you!

[onlyjoking9329]

well i am acting solo with the added pressure of caring for steve, thats 4 out of 5 of us on DLA now.
theres a lot of pressure on me to hold things together.

[SleeplessInTheStaceym11House]

oj it must be really hard for both of you!

[lispy]

Sorry onlyjoking. THat must be really hard becasue you're basically acting solo but you'd have to be careful to put on a brave face to not make your DH feel useless and down about his illness. orangehead is right, when I'm home alone and the shit hits the fan it's a pit-of-the-stomache rock that doesn't shift wishing DH was around to deal with it and agree that X sucks.

[SleeplessInTheStaceym11House]

oj it must be really hard for both of you!

[onlyjoking9329]

well i am married but have to do everything i can't share the responsibilty with DH as he is too ill, he would do stuff if he could and was always very hands on, i miss being able to share the load

[Pinkchampagne]

Annoys me too

[orangehead]

It makes me angry to. My ex was also useless when I was married but I did have fiancial support but not now he doesnt pay maintance. But its not just the everyday childcare as most people with partners have sole responsibilty of that its when things go wrong ie when ds1 got rushed to hospital in middle of night and you have to drag ds2 up as well. Or trying to fight with landlord to get the house sorted with your kids screaming, the list could go on. Although some complain that thier partners are not supportive they more than likely will do some things such as bring in a wage, do diy or deal with household emergencies or something and when they do do these things they expect peace and quiet whilst they do it, oh the luxury . But saying that people dont mean any harm, they just saying that they feel alone

[SleeplessInTheStaceym11House]

admittedly i used to say it as dh worked 7 days a week.

but now i'm on my own, i realise how much harder it is.

even if they were no help physically (acctually doing anything with the kids/house) you could at least say to someone 'im having a shit day' and they cared (or pretended to! )

i wish i wasn't a single parent.