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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

it annoys me when married women tell me they live like single parents

62 replies

mistressmiggins · 28/11/2007 20:04

I know some people's partners have jobs which take them away a lot BUT if you have a partner, even if dont have physical support, you have support

my soon-to-be ex was away a lot during the week & so yes, I did most of the childcare by myself BUT he was on the end of a phone supporting me (until he started his affair but thats another matter)

when u r a single parent, its all down to u and it is tiring. You cant just have 10 mins to urself or let someone else play with the kids or take time off work - you wake up every morning knowing its u or noone

sorry had bad week

OP posts:
dingdong05 · 30/11/2007 00:46

I seem to get that annoyingly often, and, Mamazon you hit a nerve with the "oh be glad your single, at least you dont have to XYZ" "
I just smile because you just know they are thinking they are trying to be positive and understanding. And you know if you say anything they'll think you're just being bitter

And the £££ thing is a very pertinent point, even if they didn't earn enough to make life comfortable they could do the caring whilst I worked early am or late pm when they were home... Ach, don't get me wrong, I MUCH prefer being single than with the father, and totally agree that it is far superior to being in a bad relationship, but occassionally I'd like to pop out for some milk of an evening instead of having to wait til the am when I realise I'm all out at 6pm

ScruffyTeddy · 30/11/2007 01:19

Totally agree mistressmiggins. My ds's dad was a complete nob but it was still easier (not happier) being with him. The responsibility is overwhelming sometimes. You make the decisions. when your child is ill, there's no second opinion from dad, no-one to share the worry. When you're so tired its an effort to move, there's no-one to even make you a cup of tea. No popping down the shop when you've forgotten something, no long relaxing baths...no going to the loo in peace. when you're flued up to your eyeballs and can hardly see straight there's no napping for a while, housework still has to be done, kids still have to be fed, homework to help with. No-one to share a bad day with, to cuddle and relax with etc etc...

Im single at the moment, but when I had a bf I came downstairs one morning to find both kids up, eating breakfast and a cuppa waiting for me...it was heaven.

It annoys me when I see threads along the lines of "my husband has worked a twelve hour day and the cheeky btard wants a shower as soon as he comes in...its like being a single parent", I think..nope, its not at all.

Columbia · 30/11/2007 05:44

I can sympathise too.

People are trying to be positive sometimes but I also hear it sometimes as their resentment that I claim benefits, get help from my parents etc. which to be perfectly honest I hate having to do, and would much rather have a partner to help me with the children/the rent.

It is mortifying to have to rely on your parents and to only have them to share the children's achievements with, or talk to when things are getting you down.

To go to bed alone or with two small kids for warmth is not how I planned to live.

There are some posts on here I can relate to where people are saying 'I would rather be single because my partner is so moody/useless etc' and I remember feeling that so strongly that I decided to do it - well, my partner was abusive. So I did the only thing I could and became single again.

I am far happier now than I would have been had I stayed with the bastard but it doesn't make it a great lifestyle choice.

Some people have no idea how hard and how lonely it is to be on your own 24/7.

lispy · 30/11/2007 07:11

oops. I said this today! I was even thinking of starting a thread along the lines

Columbia · 30/11/2007 07:23

Lispy some husbands/partners are enough to convince anyone it is a fair enough lifestyle choice! I hope yours isn't that bad...

lispy · 30/11/2007 10:51

Are you following me Columbia? THere's a pram you should be talking about!
My husband isn't bad, just travels a LOT for work (one time for 3 weeks in one hit) and I have no family nearby (don't cry for me though, I know I'm pretty lucky the rest of the time). Let's just say that mumsnet fills many hours for me on weeks like this!!!

Columbia · 30/11/2007 11:26

Oh gosh, yes we are following each other I think!

My best friend's husband works away too, it is really hard for her - in some ways I think even harder as you get accustomed to them being around, then they are suddenly off somewhere. Must be quite hard to adjust.

Right will go and ramble some more about reclining seats and raincovers! Tis my job.

lispy · 30/11/2007 12:02

LOL!

Hassled · 30/11/2007 12:16

The OP is absolutely right - I was married, then on my own, now re-married. The period on my own, working full-time with 2 young kids was the most exhausting, lonely, draining, relentless period of my life. DH is away most of the week but it is still NOT the same as being on my own.

tetti · 30/11/2007 17:20

Well,tbh,I do know where they are coming from.Living w my ex,I did EVERYTHING,you name it,I was the one doing it all,had no support whatsoever from him.So,when I did become a single mum in the end,it wasn't much of a transition to be completely honest,I had had plenty of practice!(as I'd done everything on my own since our daughter was born anyway).
Just because you have a partner doesn't mean they are always a support or help to you.

Columbia · 30/11/2007 17:23

Tetti I agree...in fact part of the reason I didn't feel too bd leaving my ex, was the fact I kept reminding myself of, that he was never any help, never offered any support only criticism, he also went on about how he was unlikely to be helping much once the baby was born. So I thought, fuck it, I may as well be alone! Plus he was a huge burden in being a moody git and quite undermining of me with my son. Well rid - no partner definitely an improvement!

Original poster
mistressmiggins · 30/11/2007 21:08

I agree with tetti & columbia - I was a "single mother" when with ex as I did everything & he worked away a lot & when he was home at weekends, he stayed in bed BOTH Sat & Sun til whenever whereas I had to get up with a 17 mth & 3 yr old BUT its still not the same when u r a single parent

however useless u think ur partner is, u still sometimes get a break or can pop out whereas when alone, u cant

I wasnt critising people for leaving husbands as Im sure they have good reason - just saying that when u have a partner, its not the same as single parent

fortunately for me I have met someone else who is a far better partner & dad than my husband ever was althoguh we dont live together... I now know what its like to have a supportive partner and am on cloud 9

OP posts:
SleeplessInTheStaceym11House · 30/11/2007 21:18

admittedly i used to say it as dh worked 7 days a week.

but now i'm on my own, i realise how much harder it is.

even if they were no help physically (acctually doing anything with the kids/house) you could at least say to someone 'im having a shit day' and they cared (or pretended to! )

i wish i wasn't a single parent.

orangehead · 30/11/2007 21:29

It makes me angry to. My ex was also useless when I was married but I did have fiancial support but not now he doesnt pay maintance. But its not just the everyday childcare as most people with partners have sole responsibilty of that its when things go wrong ie when ds1 got rushed to hospital in middle of night and you have to drag ds2 up as well. Or trying to fight with landlord to get the house sorted with your kids screaming, the list could go on. Although some complain that thier partners are not supportive they more than likely will do some things such as bring in a wage, do diy or deal with household emergencies or something and when they do do these things they expect peace and quiet whilst they do it, oh the luxury . But saying that people dont mean any harm, they just saying that they feel alone

Pinkchampagne · 30/11/2007 21:36

Annoys me too

onlyjoking9329 · 30/11/2007 21:38

well i am married but have to do everything i can't share the responsibilty with DH as he is too ill, he would do stuff if he could and was always very hands on, i miss being able to share the load

SleeplessInTheStaceym11House · 30/11/2007 21:44

oj it must be really hard for both of you!

lispy · 30/11/2007 21:44

Sorry onlyjoking. THat must be really hard becasue you're basically acting solo but you'd have to be careful to put on a brave face to not make your DH feel useless and down about his illness. orangehead is right, when I'm home alone and the shit hits the fan it's a pit-of-the-stomache rock that doesn't shift wishing DH was around to deal with it and agree that X sucks.

SleeplessInTheStaceym11House · 30/11/2007 21:44

oj it must be really hard for both of you!

onlyjoking9329 · 30/11/2007 21:48

well i am acting solo with the added pressure of caring for steve, thats 4 out of 5 of us on DLA now.
theres a lot of pressure on me to hold things together.

Blu · 30/11/2007 21:50

I think single parents have every right to be annoyed! All these 'absent men' who are out all the time are, in the main, earning money...to which their partners have a fair share in...very very different for single parents.

OJ....yes, you must miss so much . They don't mean you!

lispy · 30/11/2007 21:54

I don't know what DLA is but I hope you have a good freind or family member to help you out on some afternoons/weekends. worrying about someone's health is another level altogether.

DaphneHarvey · 30/11/2007 22:10

I'm guilty of voicing this feeling sometimes too and I know for sure it must be annoying for single parents to hear it from people with partners. Tbh I believe I can imagine what its like to be a single parent (small example there was 5 minutes tonight when I thought I might have to take dd to hospital. Both she and ds were butt naked ready for a bath and I was faced with the prospect of organising all that on my own. DH working and too far away to be of any help, although he would be here tomorrow morning).

I've had years of not going to the toilet with the door closed except after the dcs have gone to bed. Never have a bath until that time either. Never pop to the corner shop without them, because DH not at home until after they go to bed.

Financial support aside (and some ex-H's are supportive, must be remembered) it really is possible to feel "single" in a marriage/partnership.

Guess I'm trying to say that sometimes when people say that sort of thing they genuinely do feel single, even if it is actually different, and best not to dismiss their feelings if you can possibly help it. They may be wrong about the reality, but if you are single there is at least a REASON why you feel so stressed, whereas if you are in a supposed partnership, the very fact that you often feel like you're single adds another layer of stress on top of it all. Rambling so will stop and pour another glass ...

cookiesandscream · 30/11/2007 22:22

i truely don't think anyone meant you OJ.
you are after all in a very difficult situation that i don't think anyone single parent or otherwise would want to trade with you.

dingdong05 · 30/11/2007 23:32

Ach, I know that "marrieds" who say it aren't being mean, and I know that one can often feel lonely in a relationship too.

In fact sometimes I reckon people feel like they have to say something, that is if the general discussion is about their husbands, one of them will invariably say "oh, you're lucky you don't have all this to worry about" like I don't understand what being in a relationship is like, and I must find it dull because I'm single! They are my friends, and what concerns them concerns me... and I haven't always been single you know!