Do you think I have any hope of my family one day accepting I have moved on with my life?

[Pinkchampagne]

Now that I am seeing a new man, it is starting to really get me down a bit that my family will never accept any new relationships I have because they see my ex H as very much part of the family.

I understand they have all developed a close relationship with my ex, and may want to remain friendly with him, and I wouldn't stop this. They are entitled to remain friendly with him, and he will always be around because of the boys, but they almost seem to carry on like nothing has happened, and he gets invited to all family get togethers.

He has been included in all their Christmas plans, and they have arranged between them that boxing day (which we normally spend round my sister's house) will be at my ex's this year!

I know I should ignore & avoid being involved at all, but they are my family, and Christmas is a time you should be around your family, isn't it?

My new man tells me his family keep asking when they are going to get to meet me, and I feel so awful that my own family won't give him a chance because they won't accept me being with anyone but ex H.

we have been separated a year & a half now, and in separate houses 6 months.
Do you think they will ever accept I need to move on with my life?
It's really starting to get me down now.

I think not going to the party was taking charge of things and didn't allow your family to win. You did what you wanted and with the person you wanted to be with.

Well done, and good luck with getting your DM more on side.

Your family's name isn't Corleone, is it?
Seriously, they amaze me - it doesn't matter if you found a new man 6 days, six months or 6 years after you and exh split - it's still YOUR life any it makes YOU happy, without damaging your boys. Good for you. It's not as if your exh died and you're in mourning for years like some Victorian widow!

You're doing well, though, making the decision to spend a lovely evening with your new man instead of running the gauntlet of BIL's Extreme Displeasure (I really feel sorry for your sister too). As for your mother's worry that exh will be so distraught, he'll kill himself - aaargh!! Glad you didn't fall for that bit of emotional blackmail.

Seriously, I think the women of your family should put all the men in a boat with a hole in it and push it off into the ocean!

But small steps, small steps, you ARE gaining strength.

I do feel I am a little stronger than I used to be, and I am starting to stand up for myself more, but I know I have a long long way to go, and I wish I was stronger with them all. It is hard though.

me not going along to the party on Saturday night was quite out of character for me, as I would normally have gone along for a bit, just to show my face - but on this occassion I was annoyed, and I didn't want to go, so I didn't.

I text this guy I have been seeing, and told him about my sisters response to me taking him along, and said I didn't want to go to the party.
He said that he would take me out to dinner if I decided not to go, but that he would pick me up after if I did decide to go along for a bit.
I text him back immediately saying I wasn't going to the party, and would rather go out with him.
I then sent my sister (who had by this stage gone home) a text to say I wouldn't be at the party because I was going out with new man.
She hasn't got back to me yet, so may well be annoyed, but I know I made totally the right decision & did what was right for me.
I know it doesn't sound much to others, but it was something I wouldn't have done until recently.

Good for you, PC! And he sounds nice, your new man, understanding and supportive. The main thing is, you're standing up for what YOU want. And we're all here behind you .

Thank you, Tanee, and yes, new man is lovely!

you did the right thing PC, but whatever you do you will always be in the wrong cause now your sister will be angry cause you blew the party out for your new man, oh the scandal !!

Oh I know, Tinkerbel! I did what was right for me & new man rather than what would make others happy, and they may not be best pleased with me, but I know I 100% made the right decision for myself. If they weren't going to welcome my new male friend at the party, then I didn't want to go.

Have arranged to go out for a drink with my mum next Wed. I think I need to try to talk with her on her own.

im so glad for you and wish you and your new fella good luck

Thank you, hazygirl.

Good idea about the drink with your mum, its time to lay all your cards on the table, maybe then she can see how unreasonable everyone is being, it isnt always a case of blood being thicker than water.

You are right, PC - it's brilliant that you didn't fall for your sister's attempt to make you go on your own, and you are a lot stronger.

It's disappointing that your sister is still so blinkered over the conditioning, isn't it? She was almost stepping over to a better perspective. But I guess that would threaten her own marriage. It was very rude to the host for your sister and BIL to carry on in such way that another guest - you and NewMan - felt you couldn't be at the party in a relaxed and welcoming fashion - your sister needs to know how many people her kowtowing to BILs power-trips upsets!

Anyway - that was last w/e - and i hope you had a LOVELY night out for a meal.

Onwards and upwards!

Is it tomorrow that you are meeting your Mum, or next week?

It is next Wednesday I am meeting Mum. I suggested this Wed (boys are with their dad), but she is busy, and ex H is away with his friends this w/e, so have arranged it for next week. I am hoping that it will give me a chance to talk about everything away from other distractions. I have to try to get my point across before Christmas.

Should I talk to ex H about my new relationship? Is it the right thing to do seen as he is the boys father?
Maybe it would help everyone move on a bit if I did. I don't know.

PC, from what I have heard of your family it is more likley that your manipulative bullying X will take the opportunity to try and stir up even more trouble. I really think that you would be best off keeping contact with them all to a minimum (and only what is necessary for your boys to see their father and grandparents) until they learn some respect for you as an adult human being.

PC - where to begin. No, don't talk to ex-H about your new relationship; even in ABBA this was a bad idea but for you and your particular ex a bloody nightmare.

Props to your family for continuing their never-ending effort to control you, and props to you for avoiding it. I would have taken the new man to the party had it been me, but you are getting there.

I think that in five years' time, the landscape will have changed utterly and you will laugh to read these messages. But I think it will take five years. So just hold fast, the times they are a-changing

I know I must seem a total nightmare! I have recently read back on some of my threads from just a year back, just to remind myself how things were, and can't believe how weak & brainwashed I come across!

When I was living with ex H, he really messed my head up at times though, and my family would sometimes back up his views (like the time I came home late, and he pretty much stalked me), which would lead to me totally blaming myself and getting in a panic.

I am a little better now I am no longer living under the same roof as him, but know I must still come across as pretty frustrating to others who read my threads, and I hope that one day I will be able to look back in despair at how I appear now!

I keep getting told by my mum, sister, and even one of my friends, that I really should sit ex H down & talk to him about new man though, and part of me was thinking that maybe that would be the right thing to do.

PC - you are not frustrating - I think you've made fantastic progress (have 'watched' your story over the last year!)

It's your family that's so frustrating!

Personally I wouldn't tell your exh anything about your life as it is now, beyond what your dcs are up to. The more you tell him the more he is still involved in your life - and I think you need that like a hole in the head!

Hope today goes well with your mum and just remember that the massed forces of MN are behind you!

Hi PC - fwiw I wouldn't tell exdh anything about new man. It seems to me that the rest of your family is really trying to stir up trouble for you and the new guy,- by telling exdh anything it is giving him power over your relationship with newman. Tell him you are seeing someone else, if you have to tell him anything, and leave it at that. No else neeeds to know the ins-and-outs of it. He might be the father of your dc but he needn't be involved in your life anymore than that.

Thank you both. It is a tricky one, as in one way I feel it may be better to get it out in the open that I am actually in a relationship now rather than just a quick date, which ex H may have been hoping was the case. My family feel I really should be open with him & let him know what is happening, and part of me still feels I am doing something naughty every time I meet up with my new man while ex has the boys, which I know is totally ridiculous!
At the same time, I really don't want to be having big heavy discussions about my private life with ex H now that we are no longer together. I had enough heavy talks when we were a couple, and I shouldn't have to now we're not. I don't need his blessing to move on! I am very doubtful he would feel the need to sit me down & discuss any girls he may have been seeing!

I think if your ex asks it's reasonable to reply yes I've been dating/seeing/going out with x for y months - end of conversation. If he doesn't ask don't offer information. Your ex and your family need to learn some boundaries on your private life.

PC I absolutely agree with the others - even though I haven't seen all your threads, I got a taste of what you've been through with the 'lets all go to America for Christmas and take your exh with us' saga. YOU are not a nightmare, you have lived one. Your family sound like the nightmare and it will take a long time to wake up - but you ARE waking up and you're doing well.

No, do not, Not, NOT discuss your new man with your ex, even if he presses you to. Knowledge is power, and in your family's and ex's case, it sounds like they would twist anything they know about the new man to do damage and regain control of you. Don't let them have that power. All you need to say is, I have a new relationship, I'm very happy with it and the boys are fine. Anything else is YOUR business. You do NOT owe it to your family or your ex to lay your private life open to their scrutiny. Also, if you did talk to them about NM, and then the relationship didn't work out, they could then turn on you with an 'I told you so, you should listen to us, you know nothing, we are so wise' routine ! So keep mum, and enjoy NM .

Anyway, you ARE doing something naughty when you meet up with NM - it's called Having Fun and you deserve it !

Oh I wouldn't go into lots of detail, so it would be just saying that I have met someone, and that the boys are in no way affected at this stage.
I wouldn't go into detail, but thought it may calm down this whole Christmas thing, and maybe ex H would take a bit of a step back...but maybe not!

That's all he needs to know. But doesn't he already know that you have met someone? Hasn't the Family Grapevine already told him?

He found out I was out with a man because he phoned while we were out, and then told my sister that I had a boyfriend, and made something up about the boys thinking he was round my house one night because they heard a man. the boys are always very much asleep before this man comes round, so he is using the boys in his story to pull at my family's heart strings a bit more.

He hasn't mentioned much more about it to me, so he may be thinking it was just a quick date thing. I might just let him know that I am actually seeing this guy, but not mention any names or give a lot of detail.