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Original poster

Do you think I have any hope of my family one day accepting I have moved on with my life?

108 replies

Pinkchampagne · 07/11/2007 17:46

Now that I am seeing a new man, it is starting to really get me down a bit that my family will never accept any new relationships I have because they see my ex H as very much part of the family.

I understand they have all developed a close relationship with my ex, and may want to remain friendly with him, and I wouldn't stop this. They are entitled to remain friendly with him, and he will always be around because of the boys, but they almost seem to carry on like nothing has happened, and he gets invited to all family get togethers.

He has been included in all their Christmas plans, and they have arranged between them that boxing day (which we normally spend round my sister's house) will be at my ex's this year!

I know I should ignore & avoid being involved at all, but they are my family, and Christmas is a time you should be around your family, isn't it?

My new man tells me his family keep asking when they are going to get to meet me, and I feel so awful that my own family won't give him a chance because they won't accept me being with anyone but ex H.

we have been separated a year & a half now, and in separate houses 6 months.
Do you think they will ever accept I need to move on with my life?
It's really starting to get me down now.

OP posts:
LadyTophamHatt · 07/11/2007 18:05

PC, logically I would imagine that one day they will accept and wantto be involved in your new life. They are your family after all, not Exh's

But after reading what your parents have been like so far I think if that day will be a long way off
YOu really are a better woman than me because I would have commited murder by now...I hope your family realise how unreasonable they are being soon.

Do your parents have any idea what it was like for you when you were together? Have they ignored it totally??

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/11/2007 18:06

Has anyone else had similar problems after separating from their ex?

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/11/2007 18:07

i have tried to tell them time & time again, LTH, but none of them seem to think any of it was worth throwing away my marriage for!

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Tinkerbel5 · 07/11/2007 18:20

I dont think your family will accept the split until at least another couple of years and continue to try and get you both back together, maybe if things progress with the new man in the future they might come to accept him if they see that you are serious about him, I think they have been really unfair to you and not loyal at all.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/11/2007 18:23

I have told my new man a little about my situation, and surprisingly it hasn't led to him running a mile!

The thing is, I can't take him along to anything that my family are involved in, which is awful.

I have been invited to a party on Sat by a friend of my sister, and I would like to be able to take him with me, but can't because my sister & BIL will be there, and I am frightened he will be snubbed or made to feel uncomfortable.

Ex H had my sister in tears when he told her he had "caught" me out with another man!

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Buda · 07/11/2007 18:24

I think you are just going to have to carry on and rise above it. Meet your new man's family and do things with them if you like them. Carry on seeing your new man and your friends and make it clear that you will see your family when your ex isn't involved. Can't think of any other suggestions.

Mind you if I were you I would have blown up by now and sat my parents down and said something along the lines of "you are my parents and I love you and I hoped you love me enough to want me to be happy. When married to X I was not happy due to the reasons I have tried to explain to you. You feel that was not enough to break up my marriage but you were not living it. I feel so much better and happier now that I am not in that environment. THAT should be your prime consideration as my parents. The fact that you favour X so much speaks volumes of your regard for me your daughter. From now on I will attend family gatherings when they are MY family and not include X as it is unfair to me, unfair to him and most of all unfair to the children. When you can stick to those conditions you know where I am."

zippitippitoes · 07/11/2007 18:25

I feel so sorry for you..I can't imagine this happening, so can't help or advise..I honestly find it bizarre..i have broken up from two long relationships and my mum showed no inclination to continue a relationship with my exh tho the children obviously did/do and having broken up with dp i think ds sees him mostly asking him for li=fts bnut sadly no parents or friends or relations to keep it up..in fact i am the only person who would see him ..and I have to slap myself for that

I think they should take your feelings into account and certainly not see ex at the expense of meeting your new partner/bf

miniandme · 07/11/2007 18:31

I have been spilt form ex for over 5 years !!!
Have recently met new man who has taken on the kids and we are engaged and expecting twins.Most of my family are ok now but my dad is still siding with ex and causing heaps of grief including telling ex,who has nothign to do with the kids anymore-his choice, all that is going on in my house including the fact that i was in premature labour at 24 weeks and faced losing my babies!!! Allowing ex and his wife to taunt me by email about the scare with the twins!!
Needless to say i have now banned my dad from my life and my home as he has made it plain just whop he sides with.Thing is he forgets how badly ex treated us all,the kids especially in the 5 years we have been apart and the reason we split in the first place which was mental,physical and emotional abuse of disabled ds!!

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/11/2007 18:57

How awful for you, miniandme.
Glad you have now found someone nice, but sorry you are still getting so much hassle.

I have tried talking to my parents, and have had a couple of little blow outs, but probably didn't put it all quite as well as you did, Buda.

I always end up crying when I try to get my point across, but I can feel another blow out happening soon, as it is all starting to get on top of me again.

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Buda · 07/11/2007 21:12

I can imagine that it would be hard to remain calm and in control which is what you really want when tackling your family. But I think you do need to. What about a letter?

hazygirl · 07/11/2007 21:24

hi pinkchampagne i hope you get the happiness you deserve i really dont understand how your parents can risk their relationship with you their dd,

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/11/2007 23:42

Maybe a letter may do it, Buda, I don't know though, I am so fed up with it all now.
I spoke to a friend tonight who said "Just go along to the party with new man" but not sure that is a good idea.
So fed up with it all.

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 07/11/2007 23:43

Sorry for repeating myself - tend to do that when stressed!

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MeMySonAndI · 07/11/2007 23:53

PinkChampagne, considering your family's terrible behaviour in the last couple of years... why are you still so concerned about them?

Get on with your life (and take your new man to the party), you don't need to act as if you have done something wrong and hide your moving on from them. Just get on with it (((openly))) and slowly they will get to accept it (or you to snub them, which I think is what they deserve).

PurpleOne · 07/11/2007 23:58

PC, you must have the patience of a saint to put up with that kind of behaviour from the parents.

I would write a letter expalining their unacceptable behaviour. You have moved on, they should grow up and accept it.

And your new dp sounds like a very patient darling man

Elizabetth · 08/11/2007 00:24

You don't need to be with them on Boxing Day if he is going to be there. Perhaps you can tell them you'll see them the day after. There definitely isn't a rule that you have to see your family on Boxing Day, particularly if it is going to upset you because of what they are doing.

Why not tell them that you are not going to attend any family functions that they are inviting him to. Honestly it sounds like they are putting him above you which is totally wrong.

Buda · 08/11/2007 05:57

Sorry - went to bed.

You are stronger than you think. Look how far you have come in the last year or so. You ARE strong enough to stand up to them. You ARE strong enough not to need them as much as you think you do. It may be hard for a while to know that there are family parties going on that you are not involved in but I think it is the only way that your family will realise that you are serious.

Don't go on Boxing Day. Make other plans for you and your DCs.

Tinkerbel5 · 08/11/2007 09:33

PC I would take your new man to the party, its will go either way, everyone will be polite or they will snub him, you then will have your answer on how they will be in the future, if they do snub him then I would seriously consider taking a big step away from your family, and no you wasnt caught with another man you are single and free to date whoever you like.

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 08/11/2007 18:21

Thank you all for your advice.

Been thinking about all this a lot today, and decided that I will either brave taking new man to the party, or not go at all.
I only get to see him at weekends because he lives in a different town, and does a very late shift Mon-Fri.

Think I am going to have to have another big talk with mum soon about the whole Christmas thing.

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VictorianSqualor · 08/11/2007 18:38

I'd take him, I had a similar situation with exdps' mums 60th birthday, when the guy I was seeing offered to come, obviously I didnt take him but I wouldve loved to see their faces!

Tanee58 · 08/11/2007 18:40

Hi PC, I'd go to the party - how many of them could snub you? You could lose your sister and BIL in the crowd, with any luck - and make a contingency plan to leave early and go somewhere nice if things get sticky.

Could you arrive at the party before your sister? That way you'll be in situ with NM introduced, before they get there, and you'll have had a head start with the other guests.

Cannot believe your family inviting ex for Boxing day, - though if you're the person whose other thread I followed a little while ago - yes, I can!

Just to let you know you're not the only one to go through stuff like this, though. I split from H 5 years ago - after a gradually failing marriage, he left when he found out I was increasingly close to an ex boyfriend (now my lovely though sometimes maddening DP). My parents, who had known DP years before, when we were dating and I hadn't met exH, refused to even speak his name for about 3 years. We had to spend three sad Christmases apart. But they finally came round when they saw that we were serious, and most importantly, that DD had accepted him. It took patience, but it DID work out.

Wish you loads of luck - and patience - and hold firm when you have that talk with your Mum!

bigknickersbigknockers · 08/11/2007 19:03

Agree with Tanee, how many of them could snub you? Surely some of your family and friends will be able to realise that life goes on and marriages end all the time. I dont understand why your sister is so upset... she is YOUR sister for heavens sake! Your sister should know more than anyone what you have been through and be prepared to help you to fight your corner.
If I were you I would shock them all by taking your new man and like Tanee says get there early and just move on somewhere else if things get awkward.

pinkbubble · 08/11/2007 19:49

PC, just had a thought! What is your partner doing over Xmas? Maybe you could opt out of Boxing Day with your family and spend time with partner and maybe his family - worth a thought surely!

Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 09/11/2007 07:56

No-one else would snub my new man except possibly my BIL & not sure about my sister, but she didn't respond well when ex told her, so don't think she would feel too happy if I turned up with him.
Nobody outside my family has an issue with me moving on with my life & dating someone new.

PB - don't yet know what his Christmas plans are, but I would like to see him at some point, rather than be pushed into spending most of it with ex H!

I know ex H will have to be around for the boys Christmas day, and don't have a problem with that, but my family have also planned Christmas Eve & Boxing day around him, and he is quite happy to go along with that.
I can't though - we are not together, and it is just ridiculous!

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Original poster
Pinkchampagne · 09/11/2007 12:33

My family haven't invited ex H to their place on Boxing day, but decided it would be a really good idea to have Boxing Day round at my ex's new house, and for all the family to go round there, rather than round my sister's. This was all planned between them, and ex H agreed.
They have also planned for us all to go out at lunchtime Christmas Eve, as this has always been our Christmas day with Nan, and this is the first year without her.
I feel I really should be with the family Christmas Eve, as it will be a hard day for us all, but ex H has been included in this too.

Really think I'm going to have to try to sit mum down & have another talk.
There is no point me trying to reason with my dad, as I'll get nowhere fast.

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