Do you think I have any hope of my family one day accepting I have moved on with my life?

[Pinkchampagne]

Now that I am seeing a new man, it is starting to really get me down a bit that my family will never accept any new relationships I have because they see my ex H as very much part of the family.

I understand they have all developed a close relationship with my ex, and may want to remain friendly with him, and I wouldn't stop this. They are entitled to remain friendly with him, and he will always be around because of the boys, but they almost seem to carry on like nothing has happened, and he gets invited to all family get togethers.

He has been included in all their Christmas plans, and they have arranged between them that boxing day (which we normally spend round my sister's house) will be at my ex's this year!

I know I should ignore & avoid being involved at all, but they are my family, and Christmas is a time you should be around your family, isn't it?

My new man tells me his family keep asking when they are going to get to meet me, and I feel so awful that my own family won't give him a chance because they won't accept me being with anyone but ex H.

we have been separated a year & a half now, and in separate houses 6 months.
Do you think they will ever accept I need to move on with my life?
It's really starting to get me down now.

PC, you ARE the person I thought you were - big hi! - with mad family that wanted to go to the US for Christmas and take exh too? Yes! Well, they don't seem to have improved their plans any, just doing exactly the same thing, but at home instead. I can see why you're frustrated that they just will not learn.

I seem to recall that your mother acknowledged it was a stupid idea when you broke down on her that time. It's ridiculous, you shouldn't have to be driven to those lengths to get your message across, but if that's the only way... You'll just have to be a 'stuck record' - don't explain etc, just keep saying, 'This is my life, I am NOT getting back with ex, I have a new man who may or may not be long term, but I am NOT GETTING BACK WITH EX!!!!

I remember your BIL was great chums with ex, wasn't he? Well, I'd still risk going to the party, as I said before, and lose BIL in the crowd. If it's a big enough party, you should manage to ignore his baleful looks, if he wants to sulk that his playmate isn't yours any more, let him. I would think that the sooner you can show them, in public, that the world beyond their precious family circle accepts your new status as single woman with new man, the better.

And as for Christmas, do part of it with your family, for your kids' sake, but don't force yourself to endure Boxing Day at exh's - that's absolutely ridiculous and no sane person would expect you to. Could you leave your children with him and do Boxing Day with your new man and his family?

But she didn't respond well when exH told her about New man because it was exH working the strings!

This is a power struggle- they are being so 'we won't let him go' because they are trying to be in control of you. I think ignoring it is the only way to go...make them as irrelevant s possible. yes christmas is a family time...for the boys so you have to do it for them...but don't go beyond that. Go to the party if you want...maybe have a plan, like go for a meal then party for short while - or short while at party with option to go to a bar or club if there is an atmosphere...but don't on any acount, let it shpow that yu care two hots - talk to everyone else you know there.

Who was the architect of the Boxing Day plan? oooh, I wonder!! He's doing it as a power thing too - look how I have supplanted you in your own family..."you think you have got rid of me but if i can't have YOU I will have your family as my own - the fatherly approval i crave"

Sorry - am dashing....sorry you are having to put up with all this, PC. It's too bad. Bit it is they who should be ashamed of themselves, and you are being dignifierd and a saint.

Hey - perhaps you should go and spend christmas with your exMIL...and take your new man to HER house for Boxing day!!!
I dare you!

That would be an interesting mix, Blu!!

Hi Tanee - yes I am the one with the family that wanted us all to go to the states for Christmas, including ex H! thankfully I got my point across about that one, and it is no longer happening, but they are still burying their heads in the sand a little, and carrying on like nothing has happened, even though mum knows about me seeing someone else.

Well I had a talk with my sister today, and asked her exactually what ex H said to her that night. She told me that I had a boyfriend, and that he found out because the boys said "You were round our house last night, weren't you?" to him (which is rubbish, because the boys have always been very much asleep before this man comes round), and also that it made him feel he was now free and could move on with his life! (hadn't noticed that he was having problems with this!)
She thinks I should sit him down and talk with him about my new relationship, which maybe I should, and that she was mainly cross because I hadn't done this.
She also asked questions about my new man, and asked if I liked him, to which I told her I did.
I then sounded her out about the possibility of me bringing him with me tonight, and she said she thought that would not be a good idea at all, as BIL would not like that one bit because ex H is like family.
She said that everyone would be a bit shocked that I am with someone else so quickly.

I decided after that discussion to be totally selfish & not go to the party tonight, but to take the offer of going out for a meal with my new man instead, so that is what I'm doing!

Should say "She told me he knew I had a boyfriend"

My mum seems to have turned a bit of a corner, and is being ok about me seeing this man, although they do still see ex H very much as part of the family.

AAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Every thread I read about your family and this situation makes me...

Invite me and my trusty baseball bat to your ex's house on Boxing Day (aptly named).

Why oh why oh why do you let them do this to you? How have you not killed them all by now? You'd get off with a £10 fine, I promise you....

I like Blu's suggestion, it seems like a formidable idea to spend Christmas day with your inlaws in company of new man, and to celebrate boxing day in tour house with all your inlaws but none of your family.

As ridiculous as it sounds that's the deal being imposed on to you by your own family.

However... I shouldn't complain about your family, because mine would be as bad at yours given the chance.

PC - I don't know you and didn't follow the previous thread, but if it was me I would turn up at christmas (and party) WITH new man, and let them continue seeig ex if they want to, as their friend.He doesn't have to be yours!
But that's just me.

"She said that everyone would be a bit shocked that I am with someone else so quickly" since when has 18 months been quickly, I think you need to remind/tell your family that you and your ex split 18 months ago not the 6 months ago that he moved out and in fact you are dating a guy and you are entitled to do that!!!!!!!!

I decided not to go to the party last night after it was made clear that my sister & BIL wouldn't approve of me bringing my new man along, and that BIL would probably sulk & snub him, so I went out for a meal with him instead.

Thinking of maybe suggesting mum & myself go out for a drink one evening, and having a real talk with her about everything.
If I get her out on her own, I think I stand more chance of getting her to listen to me.

PC... But you decided not to go to the party because they won't like it? were they hosting the party? if your sister felt she and her husband would feel uncomfortable, why is it you who and new man who have to miss the party.

They are like that because you allow them to be, if they were going to feel so uncomfortable they could have stayed at home themselves!

PC - I am SO pleased that amongst the women of your family you are the one who emerged with a brain of your own!

Your sister is well and truly cowed down under a man who believes he has a right to decide how his wife's sister should behave...she should not be allowing him to be so damn rude and presumptious about how you should behave. It is outrageous that she thinks it's ok to warn you against accepting an invite to a party with a man you are completely free to see because you are not attached to your ex any more. It's outrageous that she thinks she has a right to be angry with you because you didn't discuss your personal business with your ex - none of that is her business! Bit her brain is worked by the men who hold the remote control - your dad (thought the signal might be a little fainter) your ex and your BIL.

Be grateful for your independent brain, that you escaped this vicious circus of power and posession, meet your Mum if you feel like it, and have good times with your new man...but tell your sister that you will go where the hell you like and are invited with him, and if her husband chooses to be rude, you won't be seeing them until he changes his tune.

Rude arrogant bastard!

The patriarchy is astounding!

PS - what glimmer did your Mum show that she might have a listening ear occasionally tuned to her dd??

(but I do understand that you don't want to be making your new man put up with rude BILs, and can do without the hassle. The only problem now is that BIL thinkks he has 'seen off' your new man and will doubtelss be chortling away to ex about it over a manly pint)

How dare your BIL try to dictate what you do with your life? Has he been taking lessons from ex-h?

I think you need to let your new man make a few decisions. If there is a next time, ask him if he wants to attend bearing in mind that a member of your family may also attend and be less than welcoming. You never know, he may be prepared to make a stand for you and put your BIL (or whoever) in their place.

Your family and ex-H are still trying to control you by making arrangements which you can't avoid without ostracising yourself from your family. They know that you really don't want to do this. So perhaps you should call their bluff. Let them all go to ex's for Boxing Day - while you spend BD at home with your new man and the boys.

I realise that this Christmas is going to be hard without your Nan, but maybe you could take advantage of this by establishing new traditions for you and the boys. Traditions which you decide, not your parents or ex-H.

Oh Dear Pink champagne, what an awkward situation. Poor you. How dare you start dating a new man after a mere 18 months eh, you should be wearing full mourning, weeping and wailing and wearing a sign saying 'SCARLET WOMAN!!' round your neck to top of the whole onsaumble for at LEAST the next 30 years, and I'm being conservative in that time estimate just to be a bit liberal
Like you say, grinning and bearing the ex on xmas day for the kids sake is one thing,but boxing day with the whole family at your ex's pad is totally, bizare and above and beyond the call of duty! could you have a nice day at home with you and the kids instead and maybe drop the kids off at the ex's for a bit if they want to go?
Hopefully all this involvement with your family will bite your ex in the bum when HE wants to move on himself and start dating, you can imagine the warning bells starting ringing if he started telling a new love interest his xmas plans!

I know that by not going to the party I kind of let them win, but I immediately went into "Stuff them, I won't bother with the party if I am going to be a disgrace & BIL is going to be rude" I just didn't want to go, and I didn't want to throw new man into an uncomfortable atmosphere.

My sister said that ex H had said to her that I deserved someone nice, and she said I shouldn't make him think like that, like he was horrible, because he is good & no-one is perfect. I said that I hadn't made him feel he was someone horrible at all, but he knows there were times he did put me through a lot when we were together & that that was the reason for the break down of our marriage.

She was taken aback that I had been seeing this man for 3 months now, and said she didn't think I would get with someone else so quickly. She then said that I owe it to ex H to sit him down & talk about my new relationship.

Mum phoned last night & did say that it was hard because they all think a lot of ex H, but she knows I need to get on with my life, and she can see that I am now looking happier.
She said that she wishes ex H would meet someone, but she doesn't think he will as he has his guards up, and said that she worries about him getting very down about me having a new relationship & killing himself, but I know he wouldn't do that.

Boys haven't met new man yet, and I don't want them to for a while yet - I feel it is still too early, and they have had so much change to deal with recently.
I will try to see him when I can over the Christmas period, but it will be when boys are either asleep or with their dad.

My BIL is very much like a big child. He sulks loads, and is very a very jealous type of man, so my sister pushes aside a lot of ex H's faults. BIL is not happy that things have changed now that we are no longer together, and tries to just turn a blind eye to the fact Ex H & myself are no longer together. He is very friendly with ex H.

FFs I think you'd be better off without the lots of em! If it were me, I 'd tel the lot to mind their own, and get on with My life. What ex-h does is up to him and what the ds and bil do is up to them, what you do is up TO YOU! Don't see bil if he's a big bully, let him have exH as a mate, but he doesn't need to intimidate you. Don't go to exH's for Boxing day, whatever you do. you don't want to, so don't.
And well done for not going to the party.
Stuff the lots of them, I say.
(I'ma bit annoyed on your behalf!)

My sister wanted me to go to the party, but on my own. Most of the guests were in couples & I didn't want to go if I couldn't take new man.

I have told both mum & my sister that I have no problem with them having a relationship/friendship with ex H, and that I couldn't stop that, but they all have to realise that I am not in a relationship with him, haven't been for a good while now, and they have to understand that I will be moving on with life.

My parents have tried guilt tripping me into inviting ex for Xmas day "but he will be all on his own" (boo hoo,lol). To them he is the ideal son in law and he still goes to the pub every week with my dad and even visits my nan at the weekend.

What annoys me is exs family havn't spoke to me once since we split but he still plays happy families with mine.

I would definately not go to your ex's on Boxing Day.

"My sister said that ex H had said to her that I deserved someone nice, and she said I shouldn't make him think like that, like he was horrible, because he is good & no-one is perfect. "

This is the wrong answer:
"I said that I hadn't made him feel he was someone horrible at all, but he knows there were times he did put me through a lot when we were together & that that was the reason for the break down of our marriage."

The right answer is:
He is right! I deserve someone nice, who I have found and I would like you to accept that.

"My sister wanted me to go to the party, but on my own."
How is it your sister is dictating what you do?

I'm sorry to be harsh, but how do you expect them to change if you don't change yourself? You have to stand for yourself PC, it may be years of training but unless you stop excusing your behaviour or adapting to their ridiculous requests, they will continue to know that you are there to follow their wishes.

I didn't go to the party though, whereas once I would have gone along to keep others happy, so I am getting a little stronger.
I know I should have gone along anyway with new man so not to let them win, but tbh I didn't want to go after that discussion, and I didn't want to him into an uncomfortable situation. My sister therefore may have tried to dictate what she would have liked me to do, but didn't succeed.
For me, thinking "stuff them, I am not going to the party" & following that through, was a big change, as I have always been a weak kind of peacemaking type, who would do things I may not want to do just to keep others happy, but on Saturday I went against this & probably annoyed my sister & BIL in the process. I know it doesn't sound much, but for me that was a big change.

I know I am probably guilty of letting them get away with more than I should, and self blaming at times, but I am trying to toughen up, and I am slowly getting better at this. Believe me, I frustrate no-one more than I frustrate myself though!

It's always difficult and will always take a long time and a lot of determination to fight against conditioning. And I do think you've been conditioned, firstly by your parents and then by ex-H, to do as you are told. You may even have chosen ex-H in the first place because he fitted your conditioned image of what a husband should be like, i.e. like your dad.

Now that you come to see how your family have moulded you into someone they can control, you have the chance to change that and break away. You need to put your needs and the needs of the boys first - and you don't have to consider what the rest of your family or ex-H think. When making a decision, I bet you wonder what your parents or ex-H might think about it - and that, in a way, may even affect what decision you come to. In future, when deciding anything, only think of you and the boys and make your decision accordingly. I'm not suggesting that you become wholely self-centred and not care about hurting your family, but you do need to get into the habit of considering your needs first and those of your family coming a very poor second.