Do you think I have any hope of my family one day accepting I have moved on with my life?

[Pinkchampagne]

Now that I am seeing a new man, it is starting to really get me down a bit that my family will never accept any new relationships I have because they see my ex H as very much part of the family.

I understand they have all developed a close relationship with my ex, and may want to remain friendly with him, and I wouldn't stop this. They are entitled to remain friendly with him, and he will always be around because of the boys, but they almost seem to carry on like nothing has happened, and he gets invited to all family get togethers.

He has been included in all their Christmas plans, and they have arranged between them that boxing day (which we normally spend round my sister's house) will be at my ex's this year!

I know I should ignore & avoid being involved at all, but they are my family, and Christmas is a time you should be around your family, isn't it?

My new man tells me his family keep asking when they are going to get to meet me, and I feel so awful that my own family won't give him a chance because they won't accept me being with anyone but ex H.

we have been separated a year & a half now, and in separate houses 6 months.
Do you think they will ever accept I need to move on with my life?
It's really starting to get me down now.

PC I don't know why you and H split - but after 18 months separated you have every right to see whoever you want. I'm pretty certain he won't be sitting you down and explaining about anyone he goes out with!

How dare people make you feel guilty for finding some happiness and moving on!

Was it you who instigated the split and that's why your family are finding it hard to let him go?

FWIW my husband left me, and whilst I was so so so close to his family and they were absolutely devastated he'd left me, they, quite rightly, stood by H and put his happiness ahead of everything else. That's what your family should do. Relationships end. People move on. But your family is YOUR FAMILY!

Like you say, he'll always be in your lives for the boy's sake, but why the hell are they making christmas plans around him and not YOU!!!!

I've read some of your previous threads and I can see you are getting stronger. Small steps and all that

But I find myself having to refrain from posting sometimes because I get so at the way your family are and the amount of things they get away with. You are a saint. And your NM sounds great. He sounds like he puts your happiness higher in his priorities than your own family does. That says a lot! I really hope your talk with your mum goes well.

He obviously enjoys trying to stir - is he trying to make out you have a new man every night - you wanton hussy!! If you think that's it then yes, tell him you are seeing someone on a regular basis, that it doesn't affect the boys (were they disturbed by thinking they heard a man in the house? - I think probably not) - and that's it. You don't owe him any more information than that. Really.

Hi Baffy ! Yep, it's hard not to go into a rant about PC's family - I thought mine were weird until !

Hi!
I know! Am in ranting mode today too!!

It was me that instigated the split, Baffy, but I had tried pretty much everything to try to make changes before hand.
Ex H had a very quick temper & he was quite controlling. I made him address his anger problems, got him to go to anger management/counselling, gave him chance after chance, but nothing changed, so I had to then see a solicitor & look at ways out of my marriage.
My parents were very very anti the separation, and dad even threatened to disown me if I went through with it, but he hasn't done this.

Tanee - as far as I am aware, the boys didn't actually hear a man in the house at all. They have never said anything to me, and I have always made sure they were fast asleep before he comes round, checking on them at regular intervals throughout the evening.
The only time DS1 did wake up was the other Friday, when he woke up with a tummy upset & vomited over the side of his top bunk.
New man was around that night (he even offered to help!), but that was long after ex H gave my sister the story, and DS still didn't see anything of NM, or asked any questions.

Don't speak to ex-H about NM. The very fact that you do could lead him to believe that he has a right to know or that you believe he has a right and gives him more leverage.

If he asks, you can tell him as little or as much as you want, but remember that the more he knows, the more control he has.

Ok, I won't say anything. I was starting to feel I was being awful for not doing the decent thing & telling him I was seeing someone. My sister was most angry & upset that I hadn't sat him down & told him myself, and mum keeps telling me that I really should talk to him. They are all feeling sorry for him & worrying about him, but I am pretty sure he is getting on with his life in whatever way!

Freckle's right - the less he knows, the less power he has. And he so wants that power! It's up to you of course, if you think it might help to just tell him you have a boyfriend, but the less you say, the better. Don't engage with him. Probably best in fact to see if HE asks you and say, 'since you mention it, yes, I am seeing someone and before you ask, the boys are FINE' and if he tries to dig deeper, say that really you don't think it appropriate to discuss your personal life with him and leave it at that.

If he had anger management problems you were Quite Right to get out. So your father threatened to disinherit you? Sounds familiar, my mother threatened to change her will also, as she didn't approve of me and exh splitting up (she saw dp as the cause, and me as a Scarlet Woman - and she did like exh) - she didn't want dp to benefit from her property. I pointed out that she was free to do as she wished, though dp and I weren't married so he wouldn't have a claim anyway. Nothing's been said since and if she HAS changed her will so everything passes to dd leaving me out, that's fine. We'll survive !

And wow your NM offered to help clean up sick. Sounds promising to me !

Why on earth should you 'sit him down and tell him'???? You've been separated for months and months. It's NONE OF HIS BUSINESS ANY MORE!!!!!!!!

Sorry, I've got to go home before I explode ! PC, you owe him NOTHING! You do not have to do 'the decent thing'.

Have you considered starting divorce proceedings? That might get the message across. Exh and I were divorced 5 months after we separated and that did help everyone to move on.

Tannee - you make me laugh!!!(and another thing...)
I laughed too at the 'my sister was most angry and upset because I hadn't sat him down etc'- well, let her upset herself. What does it matter if she's upset about it? She should not be letting it get to her, poor flower. She'll get over it. Your sisters' over-emotions (and emotional blackmail) is her problem, ffs you can't sort out everyone's probs!

I know, I really know how annoying this all may appear, and I am embarrassed with it myself. Was talking to a friend about this tonight.
Will let this thread die now, but thank you to everyone for your great advice & support. I now feel very differently about the whole talking to ex H thing now.

ok PC, and good luck with your talk with your Mum next week.

Thank you, Tanee. I will post after I have spoken to my mum. posted last night after lots of wine & felt I was making you all feel frustrated & angry, which is why I said I would let the thread die.
I know I am frustrating & need to toughen up, but I am much better than I used to be, believe it or not!

Yes we WERE frustrated & angry, but with your ex & family, NOT with you!! They're putting you through a load of grief that you don't need & don't deserve - and we're here for you . Don't be afraid to keep asking for our support.

PC - don't you worry. We know how far you've come! You can't expect to overcome years of conditioning instantly.

Btw, don't think that talking to ex would be "doing the decent thing". It really isn't.

Keep up the good work!

Your family seem to think that your ex is living like a monk pining after you which from what I remember from your earlier posts isn't at all the case. I would very definitely be bringing htat up in conversation e.g. when they say something about its being very early, say "Mmm, well X was seeing someone else back in [whenever it was] so I don't think I've been particularly quick off the mark, especially as we have been separated for 18 months now."

Oh I have done just that, lemonaid, and mum responded by saying it was a bit different to dating someone (he was just getting naked!) & that men have needs!!!

Your family really are completely cuckoo, aren't they?

Your mother would have fitted in perfectly in the Victorian age. Men have needs, indeed! And presumably women have to meet those needs whether they want to or not because men are more important. Sigh.

Perhaps your mum needs to learn that we all have needs and that ex-H's are not more important just because he has a nob. Or is one. Whatever.

Men have NEEDS? My mum once said the same thing to me - AND that women don't like sex , AND that all men are the same in bed (this on the basis that she has only ever been with my dad! )

Then I married the one man who didn't have any 'needs' for 10 years - which is why we're divorced!

Lol, Freckle!

Spoke to a couple of my work colleagues about all this today, and they too feel I shouldn't be made to feel I should have to tell ex H anything about what I'm doing with my private life now.
They are kind of shocked at my family.

Oh dear, Tanee!

My mum has only ever slept with my dad too, but my dad had been around the block a bit before he met my mum!

Seems like neither of our Mums are in a position to venture an opinion on men's needs - it says more about their own experience of men than a general truth - .

Actually, I pity our Mums. We have so much more freedom and autonomy (mine is 82, well-pre-women's lib) - it's just that it takes time to break away from their influence...

...Which you are now doing !