Dad needing advice

[dadp1]

Hi everyone I'm a dad and fairly new to this. This is my first post so please be kind. I have had regular contact with my son who is 10 month old. I saw him once a week for 2 hours from when he was born . I have missed a few visits for good reasons which my child's mother isn't happy about. The contact always took place in my child's mother's house. now she has moved away 5 hours away. She won't give me the reasons but says I have been no support to her and she is going where she can get some. I know I haven't tried enough like I should have. I am not on the birth certificate. I don't know how this is going to work out. I asked if I can have every other weekend but don't know if this is too much travel for a baby. he has not had any overnights or been alone with me. His mum isnt agreeing to this so frequently because of the travel length for baby and because she said he doesn't know me.

2 hours a week is nothing. You should of seen child far more often. The only way this will improve is by you spending more time with child . But no I would not give overnight contact to someone vehicle had only been there 2 hours a week

The baby is too young to be away from his mother for a whole weekend. Its not in his best interests.

1. go to court and apply for PR (parental responsibility) if she denies paternity you will need a DNA test and then be added to the birth certificate.

2. in your shoes if move to where my child lived.

3. put any notion of every other weekend out of your head for some time yet. You haven’t been doing anywhere near enough parenting for this child to be comfortable with your for that length of time.

4. request to increase contact to 4 hours per week, some of which to include you taking the baby out by yourself- to the park, swimming, soft play etc and if you move near him- to your own house. If she refuses engage a solicitor to get it all formalised. If you don’t move near the baby then don’t expect to have any kind of relationship or decent level of contact with him.

Ok what would you say I do then? Travel there once a month or something given the distance?

I can't move because my job and family all live here

But your child doesn’t. Does your family need you more than your child needs his father? There are jobs in other places.

I’m truly baffled by the idea that you cannot move to where your child!!! Lives because you have a job elsewhere. This is your child.

I mean I can’t count the number of job opportunities I’ve passed on due to having children. Or the fantastic places I could live. But I’m a parent- so I live and work where my children are.

“I can’t raise my child because I have a job”

How does that sound to you?

Ok, would court give me no contact if I didn't move?

You wouldn’t get no contact but I don’t get it.

Why are you only bothered now they have moved?

Raising a baby alone is tough and you seem to have offered very little.

Why travel 5 hours to see a baby you only managed 2 hours a week?

Genuine question?

If mum and ds are 5hours away i really dont see how you are going to fix this if your not willing to move closer. Its unfair of you to ask for alternate overnight weekends, your ds is only 10months, far too young to be away from mum. It would be unsettling for him and too much to expect mum to agree, suggesting it would make you look that you are not thinking of ds but only what suits you, not a good start if you want to look like a responsible parent. You would need to be in a position to see ds regularly for shorter periods, ideally every other day for shorter periods to build up a relationship with your ds and build trust with mum but if your not willing to move its pretty much a non starter

Are you expecting your ex to host you for your contact for the foreseeable (you won’t be getting every other weekend any time soon) or where do you plan for contact to take place if you aren’t willing to live near your child?

Starlight I don't want him to not know me. I think I was probably just assuming the older he got he would be able to stay at my house some sometimes. Wrong thing I know

I'm going to have to move

2 hours a week

My dds dad saw her for a full day from the beginning and couple of hours every weekend until it built up. I was breast feeding and he’d be with her between feeds.

Now she’s 15 months and has her every other weekend over night and every Wednesday full day.

She knows him fully and lights up when she sees him.

You need to be closer if you want that kind of relationship with your dc.

Dude he ain't gonna be staying with you till he knows you. He ain't gonna know you till you see him and take care of him and feed him and change him two or three times a week for a few hours at a time.

Is that gonna happen if you visit once a month? You do the math....

OP it sounds like it’s all about you just wanting him to know you rather than you actually raising your child (which is what you should want to do as a parent)

If you move will mum agree to you having any contact?

Are you paying maintenance for your child? If not, start.

Re the contact, I agree with PP that little and often is the best way forward. 2/3 evenings a week and a day at the weekend.

EOW is too much to expect for the baby and for her.

Has she moved to be near her family?

She has moved to where some of her family live. She will agree to contact I think if I'm visiting.

Wel she was the one who moved away, so she should make the effort to travel. But you need to make a reasonable suggestion. SIf bottle fed def not too young for overnights. But you need to see more regularly. Can groups like Ginger bread advce on contact between you.

Wel she was the one who moved away, so she should make the effort to travel.

I don’t think it’s about which parent should travel. It’s about whether travelling for 5 hours there and 5 hours back is good for a 10 month old.

Or a child of any age really.

I think moving is your best option