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Lone parents

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Original poster

Daughter not accepting my new boyfriend

65 replies

Laph · 28/12/2019 21:28

I have been single for 10 years, mum of two girls age 25 and 22. My youngest daughter and I have been living alone for many years while my eldest was at university and we are more like best friends regularly going on holiday together. I met someone completely unexpectedly 6 months ago and am very happy but my youngest daughter is not happy with him being at the house or being included at family events. I am trying to be strong and insisted that he spent Xmas day with us but she chose to be miserable and did not join in. She asked me to tell him to go home so that we can have a normal family day as we do each year but I didn't want to which led to a massive upset. He eventually went home to avoid any further problems. Am I wrong to stick to my guns?

OP posts:

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/01/2020 18:29

I think she needs to grow up and it sounds like your relationship with her hasn't supported this.

When you have adult children then there is no need to wait months for a relationship to progress enough for your children to meet them.

Perhaps a few sessions with a family therapist for the two of you? She needs to talk about how she feels and release her reaction needs to change.

RUSU92 · 09/01/2020 18:35

All those saying 6 months is too soon - DD is an adult!! She’s 22 FFS, not a child. Spending Christmas day with her mum’s partner at that age isn’t a big deal.

As PP said Christ, how much of our adult lives are we expected to sacrifice

As lone parents were told to sacrifice having a relationship so that our DCs get all our attention and don’t have to adjust to changes etc. OP has done that for 10 years, her DCs are grown up. It’s her time now, to find love and happiness. Once her DDs have serious boyfriends she will be expected to include them or spend the day alone when they visit his family. Why should she be alone because an adult child doesn’t want to share?!

SouthernComforts · 09/01/2020 18:36

Sorry but she sounds like a drippy brat.

I am the first to say on threads when the OP is rushing with a new bloke and young kids but she's 22!! She needs to grow up and let go of the apron strings. You deserve a relationship and don't let her guilt you into anything if you are happy.

Witchofthenorth · 09/01/2020 18:37

Bloody hell!! I can't actually believe you were getting grief from her and other posters for having BF round at Xmas! Your youngest daughter is twenty fucking two!! A grown assed woman. And no way would I be guaranteeing that things wouldn't change in 10 years. Fucks sake how long are you actually meant to put your life on hold for? She is old enough to be leading her own life and she certainly should be out on her own in 10 years. I would be telling her to bugger off, it's your time, your life and you will do as you wish. If she wants to stay at home and your happy with that then fine, she gets on board with the fact that you have your own life to lead now which is independent of her, the grown adult woman!

zafferana · 09/01/2020 18:38

Your DD is either a spoilt brat or she's got serious MH problems. She is being totally unreasonable in expecting you to put your life on hold to accommodate her wishes and I honestly think it's time she moved out of the family home and got her own place. Her demands that you promise never to move your DP in, even in 10 years' time, are utterly unreasonable. I really think it's time you cut the apron strings and started putting your own life first. You don't need to do this cruelly, but the two of you are seriously holding each other back. You're not 'best friends', you're mother and daughter and I think your current dynamic is unhealthy and co-dependent. Time for a change!

RUSU92 · 09/01/2020 18:39

She now wants a guarantee that no matter if its 10 years on and she doesn't want my BF to move in then I won't! I think this is totally unreasonable as I cannot put my life on hold forever but she is so panicked about it happening. I don't know how to respond to these demands.

You respond by telling her if she doesn’t want to live with your DP she doesn’t have to - she can move out.

Yes it’s her home and it always has been, but presuming your BF isn’t a monster, she needs to suck it up. As a kid she didn’t have a choice and you put her first for many years.

Now she does have a choice. It’s your home and if you choose to move your DP in and she’s unhappy about it, she has options. She’s being very childish.

Devereux1 · 09/01/2020 18:42

Too early for a 22 year old woman? Have other pp lost their minds?

She's being rude - to your bf and to you. Stick to your guns. Outrageous behaviour.

helpmum2003 · 09/01/2020 18:42

Does she have a mental illness or a condition such as autism? If not I would say she's behaving like a brat and she can always move out if she doesn't like it. And even if she has a MH condition she shouldn't be ruling your life like that.

Does she work?

Devereux1 · 09/01/2020 18:44

She now wants a guarantee that no matter if its 10 years on and she doesn't want my BF to move in then I won't!

x 1000. Where on earth did she get such a vulgar sense of self-entitlement and disrespect for others?

AlternativeReality · 09/01/2020 18:55

I’d be telling her to move out and stick to it.

As for her being upset that the bf stays over, anyone who started laying down the law about their adult children having bf’s stay over would be told that “it’s their home and they should be able to have boyfriends stay if they want.” So why does being a mother make that different? Oh wait, it’s because as a mother the OP has signed up for a lifetime of martyrdom.

Stuff that, she needs to grow the fuck up. If she doesn’t want to live in the same house as him then she can move out.

strawberry2017 · 09/01/2020 18:59

She is completely unreasonable to expect you to put your life on hold for her.
You deserve your own happiness!

Original poster

Laph · 09/01/2020 20:03

Thank you again for all your comments.
My BF was not at the house Xmas morning he came over at lunchtime for dinner at my sisters. I usually see him at weekends sat to Monday morning and sometimes one night in the week at his house. I try to go to his house due to the situation. My DD does work. She has always struggled with anxiety and over thinking and I have always been there for her. I still am although she doesn't see it like that now. There is no reason that she should dislike my BF and when he is at the house she is always polite and friendly which I would not expect anything less from her with any of my friends and family. I feel it is a control thing and she panics when she feels out of control. I have asked her to get some guidance whether on her own or with me but she won't. She has in the past had counselling and it did help her but she won't accept any advice now not even from close family. Her sister has been very supportive to me and her and can accept how hard the change is for her but knows she cannot dictate how I live my life. It is easier for her though as she has a long term boyfriend and is moving out soon so has her own life. Part of me feels that my DD needs a focus in her life, like a BF but I wouldn't want that to be pushed on her if it was the wrong thing! I never imagined that I would find myself in this horrible situation at this time of our lives. I thought the difficult parenting times were done.

OP posts:

averythinline · 10/01/2020 11:31

Counselling and advice from family are not the same.. it sounds like you are minimising her level of need.

Your Bf is just the catalyst, and a bit of red herring here..
I think the main issue is your DD not growing into adulthood... you can't make her go to Gp /counselling but you can get help yourself...

To help her detach and start looking at her future ..

Booboostwo · 10/01/2020 11:48

It does sound like your DD has some significant mental health needs. Regardless of what you do about your BF I think your DD needs to get some professional help and become more independent, including moving out. This level of dependency on you is not healthy for either of you.

Ericveis · 11/01/2020 18:00

Proof once again that MN is some kind of weird parallel universe where single parents are expected to remain so until their adult children decree its 'ok'

Fuck no OP. Just no. If she doesn't like your bf coming round then she has to move out or suck it up. The martyrdom of some of these replies just shows why some children think they have the right to make demands like this.

If she were a child with no ability to choose then of course you need to be circumspect about how/when you introduce a partner .. and 6 months is a pretty good idea for young kids say 3-11 but sorry, not 22 ! If you want to bring a man home you have known ten minutes perhaps just ask them to go out and stay with friends for the night but six months .. no way . Suck it up or get a house share !

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