Daughter not accepting my new boyfriend

[Laph]

I have been single for 10 years, mum of two girls age 25 and 22. My youngest daughter and I have been living alone for many years while my eldest was at university and we are more like best friends regularly going on holiday together. I met someone completely unexpectedly 6 months ago and am very happy but my youngest daughter is not happy with him being at the house or being included at family events. I am trying to be strong and insisted that he spent Xmas day with us but she chose to be miserable and did not join in. She asked me to tell him to go home so that we can have a normal family day as we do each year but I didn't want to which led to a massive upset. He eventually went home to avoid any further problems. Am I wrong to stick to my guns?

[Ericveis]

Proof once again that MN is some kind of weird parallel universe where single parents are expected to remain so until their adult children decree its 'ok'

Fuck no OP. Just no. If she doesn't like your bf coming round then she has to move out or suck it up. The martyrdom of some of these replies just shows why some children think they have the right to make demands like this.

If she were a child with no ability to choose then of course you need to be circumspect about how/when you introduce a partner .. and 6 months is a pretty good idea for young kids say 3-11 but sorry, not 22 ! If you want to bring a man home you have known ten minutes perhaps just ask them to go out and stay with friends for the night but six months .. no way . Suck it up or get a house share !

[Booboostwo]

It does sound like your DD has some significant mental health needs. Regardless of what you do about your BF I think your DD needs to get some professional help and become more independent, including moving out. This level of dependency on you is not healthy for either of you.

[averythinline]

Counselling and advice from family are not the same.. it sounds like you are minimising her level of need.

Your Bf is just the catalyst, and a bit of red herring here..
I think the main issue is your DD not growing into adulthood... you can't make her go to Gp /counselling but you can get help yourself...

To help her detach and start looking at her future ..

[Laph]

Thank you again for all your comments.
My BF was not at the house Xmas morning he came over at lunchtime for dinner at my sisters. I usually see him at weekends sat to Monday morning and sometimes one night in the week at his house. I try to go to his house due to the situation. My DD does work. She has always struggled with anxiety and over thinking and I have always been there for her. I still am although she doesn't see it like that now. There is no reason that she should dislike my BF and when he is at the house she is always polite and friendly which I would not expect anything less from her with any of my friends and family. I feel it is a control thing and she panics when she feels out of control. I have asked her to get some guidance whether on her own or with me but she won't. She has in the past had counselling and it did help her but she won't accept any advice now not even from close family. Her sister has been very supportive to me and her and can accept how hard the change is for her but knows she cannot dictate how I live my life. It is easier for her though as she has a long term boyfriend and is moving out soon so has her own life. Part of me feels that my DD needs a focus in her life, like a BF but I wouldn't want that to be pushed on her if it was the wrong thing! I never imagined that I would find myself in this horrible situation at this time of our lives. I thought the difficult parenting times were done.

[strawberry2017]

She is completely unreasonable to expect you to put your life on hold for her.
You deserve your own happiness!

[AlternativeReality]

I’d be telling her to move out and stick to it.

As for her being upset that the bf stays over, anyone who started laying down the law about their adult children having bf’s stay over would be told that “it’s their home and they should be able to have boyfriends stay if they want.” So why does being a mother make that different? Oh wait, it’s because as a mother the OP has signed up for a lifetime of martyrdom.

Stuff that, she needs to grow the fuck up. If she doesn’t want to live in the same house as him then she can move out.

[Devereux1]

She now wants a guarantee that no matter if its 10 years on and she doesn't want my BF to move in then I won't!

x 1000. Where on earth did she get such a vulgar sense of self-entitlement and disrespect for others?

[helpmum2003]

Does she have a mental illness or a condition such as autism? If not I would say she's behaving like a brat and she can always move out if she doesn't like it. And even if she has a MH condition she shouldn't be ruling your life like that.

Does she work?

[Devereux1]

Too early for a 22 year old woman? Have other pp lost their minds?

She's being rude - to your bf and to you. Stick to your guns. Outrageous behaviour.

[RUSU92]

She now wants a guarantee that no matter if its 10 years on and she doesn't want my BF to move in then I won't! I think this is totally unreasonable as I cannot put my life on hold forever but she is so panicked about it happening. I don't know how to respond to these demands.

You respond by telling her if she doesn’t want to live with your DP she doesn’t have to - she can move out.

Yes it’s her home and it always has been, but presuming your BF isn’t a monster, she needs to suck it up. As a kid she didn’t have a choice and you put her first for many years.

Now she does have a choice. It’s your home and if you choose to move your DP in and she’s unhappy about it, she has options. She’s being very childish.

[zafferana]

Your DD is either a spoilt brat or she's got serious MH problems. She is being totally unreasonable in expecting you to put your life on hold to accommodate her wishes and I honestly think it's time she moved out of the family home and got her own place. Her demands that you promise never to move your DP in, even in 10 years' time, are utterly unreasonable. I really think it's time you cut the apron strings and started putting your own life first. You don't need to do this cruelly, but the two of you are seriously holding each other back. You're not 'best friends', you're mother and daughter and I think your current dynamic is unhealthy and co-dependent. Time for a change!

[Witchofthenorth]

Bloody hell!! I can't actually believe you were getting grief from her and other posters for having BF round at Xmas! Your youngest daughter is twenty fucking two!! A grown assed woman. And no way would I be guaranteeing that things wouldn't change in 10 years. Fucks sake how long are you actually meant to put your life on hold for? She is old enough to be leading her own life and she certainly should be out on her own in 10 years. I would be telling her to bugger off, it's your time, your life and you will do as you wish. If she wants to stay at home and your happy with that then fine, she gets on board with the fact that you have your own life to lead now which is independent of her, the grown adult woman!

[SouthernComforts]

Sorry but she sounds like a drippy brat.

I am the first to say on threads when the OP is rushing with a new bloke and young kids but she's 22!! She needs to grow up and let go of the apron strings. You deserve a relationship and don't let her guilt you into anything if you are happy.

[RUSU92]

All those saying 6 months is too soon - DD is an adult!! She’s 22 FFS, not a child. Spending Christmas day with her mum’s partner at that age isn’t a big deal.

As PP said Christ, how much of our adult lives are we expected to sacrifice

As lone parents were told to sacrifice having a relationship so that our DCs get all our attention and don’t have to adjust to changes etc. OP has done that for 10 years, her DCs are grown up. It’s her time now, to find love and happiness. Once her DDs have serious boyfriends she will be expected to include them or spend the day alone when they visit his family. Why should she be alone because an adult child doesn’t want to share?!

[Disfordarkchocolate]

I think she needs to grow up and it sounds like your relationship with her hasn't supported this.

When you have adult children then there is no need to wait months for a relationship to progress enough for your children to meet them.

Perhaps a few sessions with a family therapist for the two of you? She needs to talk about how she feels and release her reaction needs to change.

[Bluntness100]

Are you saying she woke up on Xmas morning he was in your home? Or he stayed over that night?

I also think as she struggles and you know it it's a bit much to have him there for anything other than Xmas dinner. Yes she's an adult. But it's her home too and you know she struggles. You seem to also have him over a lot, I assume staying in your bed, so I can see how this might be difficult for her.

You don't have to be single for ever, but you do need to recognise her anxiety issues and try to tread carefully not shout, whoo hooo a bloke and have him there every chance you get. Which it sounds like you're doing.

[Drum2018]

She now wants a guarantee that no matter if its 10 years on and she doesn't want my BF to move in then I won't! I think this is totally unreasonable as I cannot put my life on hold forever but she is so panicked about it happening. I don't know how to respond to these demands

Tell her she's unlikely to be still living at home age 32 and if she carries on behaving like a spoilt pre teen she'll unlikely be living at home age 23! You need to make a big effort to get her to learn some independence. She cannot rely on you forever. Be straight and tell her that you and your partner are free to move in together if and when you please and you won't be seeking anyone's permission.

[KirstyJC]

Does she work? How come she still lives at home at 22? Does she pay rent? She is completely unreasonable to tell you who can live with you in your home for ever more! If it bothers her that much she can move out, like adults do.

You obviously have a close bond but she needs to get on with life and let you do the same,

[averythinline]

I'm also not sure why you send her messages, especially if you live in the same house...

[averythinline]

I think you stick with your there is no guarentee approach - because there are no guarentees in life....

it does sound like you have enabled her to stay in child mode at home and she hasn't developed teh mental and emotional skills to separate ... but this is always going to happen.... does she have any diagnosis or help with her anxiety? as in away being her rock has stopeed her devloping a bit.... most 22yr olds are ready to fly the nest ...

In honesty I think any moving in/future plans with your BF need to slowdown a bit whilst you focus on helping her get ready to live away from home in some shape or form....
does she work? study? what are her goals for the future... she may not want to talk about it as obviously doesnt like change but you will just have have to keep on it .......

You need to reduce her dependance on you - irrespective of the BF -
and build her resiliance - if she can do time away in a different country which is really brave .... why cant she share a flat with other YP or work toward her own...

[HollowTalk]

I could understand if there was just you, him and your daughter there on Christmas Day, but there were 15 people! She could sit with others and take no notice of him if she wanted to.

Does she work? Does she have friends?

[bobsyourauntie]

If there were 15 of you for Christmas dinner then he was hardly interrupting a cosy Christmas with just you and your daughters, so she is BU.

She is 22, she is an adult who could go off at any point and leave you on your own. You have devoted your life to them for 10 years. it is totally selfish of her to expect you to not want to carve out your own life now and to have a relationship.

I would keep talking to her about it, but do not give in to her. You cannot let her dictate that your BG won't move in in the future, that is totally unrealistic and very controlling.

I would suggest that she gets counselling for her issues

[MrsAgassi]

Is there a reason that she doesn’t like your boyfriend?

She is obviously very uncomfortable around him and I would want to ensure that it was to do with her general anxiety problems rather than anything specific before I decided how to handle it.

[Mandarinfish]

Your poor DD! She is being completely unreasonable to expect you to give that guarantee, but I feel for her as she sounds so confused and upset

Is there anyone else in the family (her sister? Your sister?) who could reach out to her and talk this through?

[Laph]

Just before new year I sent my daughter a long message trying to reach out and build some bridges. It really helped me but unfortunately she didn't receive it very well. One of the things I mentioned was her question about whether we would move in together while she still lives at home. When she asked me the first time I said that we had no plans to do this. She has since asked this a number of times and wanting reassurance that I will never do this while she lives there. I have tried to be honest and realistic and said that I cannot promise her anything other than I would talk to her if the time comes. She now wants a guarantee that no matter if its 10 years on and she doesn't want my BF to move in then I won't! I think this is totally unreasonable as I cannot put my life on hold forever but she is so panicked about it happening. I don't know how to respond to these demands. She blames me for bringing the situation into her life and cannot comprehend how I've changed and not putting her feelings first as I have always done.