Daughter not accepting my new boyfriend

[Laph]

I have been single for 10 years, mum of two girls age 25 and 22. My youngest daughter and I have been living alone for many years while my eldest was at university and we are more like best friends regularly going on holiday together. I met someone completely unexpectedly 6 months ago and am very happy but my youngest daughter is not happy with him being at the house or being included at family events. I am trying to be strong and insisted that he spent Xmas day with us but she chose to be miserable and did not join in. She asked me to tell him to go home so that we can have a normal family day as we do each year but I didn't want to which led to a massive upset. He eventually went home to avoid any further problems. Am I wrong to stick to my guns?

[AloneLonelyLoner]

You were right to stuck to your guns.

She is an adult! You are entitled to your own life and boyfriend and it is not too soon to have him over for Christmas. What rubbish to say that. Adults know within 6 months if a relationship is a go-er. Good grief. Some of the posts here are absurd. Don't pussyfoot around adult children.

[bluechairs]

It's difficult. I was in her situation... it feels like an invasion.

I've been told off for accidentally leaving pants on the bathroom floor after a shower as it embarrassed him. In my own home. Called greedy because I've eaten food that he bought (it was in my fridge and wasn't labelled).

Think of it in this way - an adult man, who is not her relative, is suddenly in her home and is acting as a family member but he's not - he's a male stranger.

6 months is nothing, I'd also check if she'd like a bedroom lock (even if he's lovely) as a male stranger will be staying in her home.

[YellowJellyfish]

OMG she's 22 not 12!!!

She's old enough to know better!!

Ridiculous, spoilt behaviour.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

She’s 20-fucking-2!

When I was 22 I spent Xmas day with my in laws (I was married by then) and my BIL brought his brand new (as in less than a month) girlfriend over. I seemed to cope ok. We made the poor girl play “the really nasty horse racing game” and all got a bit drunk. She has been my SIL for the past 15 years and is the mum of my lovely niece.

[FoamingAtTheUterus]

Too early ? The kids are adults for goodness sake, I think the op has made enough of a sacrifice by staying single during their formative years. Her DD should at least make an effort to be polite and tbh at 22 should be starting to build her own life in the adult world.

[Fishcakey]

She'll meet someone and happily leave you alone. Think about yourself. She isn't a baby.

[Whathewhatnow]

Whatttttt? Your daughter is 22. That is old enough to demote her own needs slightly for one day.

At 22 she is absolutely old enough to know that the world does not always revolve around her. I mean, I know youngsters tend to be a bit self obsessed but... just nope

[cstaff]

She has been used to having you all to herself the last few years and has obviously enjoyed it. But she is an adult and needs to learn that it is not all about her all the time. This is your time to have some fun. I don't think her problem is him, but the loss of her mum, even though she hasn't lost you obviously.

[3luckystars]

Why doesnt she like him?

[whiteroseredrose]

You and your daughter have obviously been very close but this is starting to change.

In the long run it will be good for her as she will be able to spread her wings and live her own life without worrying about abandoning you.

However Christmas is a bit different; it's not 'just one day'. There's a lot of sentimentality about it - everyone has their own traditions and ideas about what makes the perfect Christmas.

Foisting a relative stranger on her on Christmas Day will, I assume, have changed the day massively. Fine to have a stranger if there are 15 or so extended family, they won't make much difference. But to a small gathering it won't have felt like 'proper' Christmas at all.

[Laph]

Thank you all for your comments, quite mixed opinions which have been helpful. I need to sit down again with may daughter and allow her to voice her feelings again but hopefully in a calmer way.
She has always suffered with some anxiety and is very extreme. I am the one person that she has relied on to off load, accept her selfish ways at times and have supported her throughout her ups and downs. As I said I wasn't looking for a relationship but now it is here it has made me realise I do want to be on my own and have a lot of feelings for him. We usually see each other twice a week at his house or mine but lately it has been at mine as I do not have access to a car. My DD doesn't like her routine interrupted and isn't really keen on anyone gatecrashing her day or evening. She use to struggle with her sisters BF of 9 years being at the house at the evening. She is much better now and I honestly believed this would not be as much of a battle as it is. She is an adult and I hoped that she would have been so happy to see my happy. My other daughter is over the moon that I have found someone who thinks a lot of me and makes me happy. However I think we need to stop and reconsider the situation going forward, I will try not to have him here every weekend so that she has some space and continue to keep her in the loop of what's happening.
Before I met BF she decided to take a massive step for her and went to Spain for a month on her own. She spent most of the days on her own and loved most of it. Although she was lonely and struggled at times she did not want to give up. We were all so proud of her and felt it was a small turning point in her life. Unfortunately I met my BF at this time so it wasn't great timing for her. I feel since then we have battled against what we both want. I have taken advice rightly or wrongly to stay strong keep boundaries and remember she is not a child. This came as a huge shock to her as I have always given in.
She has had BFs and decided to end a long term relationship before she went away as it was not making her happy.
My sister invited my BF to Xmas Dinner via me as she see how happy we are and thought it would be nice for me to have someone with me for the first time in a long while. my daughter came to me and said it was OK if he comes Christmas which I thought was a breakthrough but the reality wasn't so easy for her.
Thanks again for all your comments.

[Laph]

Thank you yes Christmas is a big tradition for our family, there was 15 of us at my sisters house.

[Laph]

Thank you @AloneLonelyLoner for the support. At the moment it seems that whatever I compromise it isn't enough, so maybe I should continue as we want and hope that she comes around...

[cstaff]

I do think you are right OP. It sounds like no matter what you do or say it just won't be enough for your daughter. She needs to learn that it is not all about her all the time and that you need to have a bit of fun in your life also.

I also think the fact that you met him while she was away is not a coincidence. You just had more time to do what you wanted when you wanted and he came along. Please don't give in to her demands.

[ShadowOnTheSun]

Can't believe some of the comments. 'Put your daughters feelings first', '6 months is too early'. FFS. OP was single for 10 years and raised two daughters, who both are fully grown ADULTS by now! For 10 years she 'put her daughters feelings first'. How long is she supposed to stay single and dance around her grown ass daughter, till the said daughter is what, 30? 40? 50? The 22 year old is inconsiderate, spoilt and selfish. If there are no serious reasons for her to dislike the boyfriend (aggression, drinking problems, etc) - I'd be telling her to move out. At 22 she's expected to study/work, find her own place and live her own life. Cut the umbilical cord.

And no, 6 months is definitely not 'too early'. If it's right for OP - then it's right. She's inviting him to her home, not dragging him in front of the altar, FFS.

[Laph]

Just before new year I sent my daughter a long message trying to reach out and build some bridges. It really helped me but unfortunately she didn't receive it very well. One of the things I mentioned was her question about whether we would move in together while she still lives at home. When she asked me the first time I said that we had no plans to do this. She has since asked this a number of times and wanting reassurance that I will never do this while she lives there. I have tried to be honest and realistic and said that I cannot promise her anything other than I would talk to her if the time comes. She now wants a guarantee that no matter if its 10 years on and she doesn't want my BF to move in then I won't! I think this is totally unreasonable as I cannot put my life on hold forever but she is so panicked about it happening. I don't know how to respond to these demands. She blames me for bringing the situation into her life and cannot comprehend how I've changed and not putting her feelings first as I have always done.

[Mandarinfish]

Your poor DD! She is being completely unreasonable to expect you to give that guarantee, but I feel for her as she sounds so confused and upset

Is there anyone else in the family (her sister? Your sister?) who could reach out to her and talk this through?

[MrsAgassi]

Is there a reason that she doesn’t like your boyfriend?

She is obviously very uncomfortable around him and I would want to ensure that it was to do with her general anxiety problems rather than anything specific before I decided how to handle it.

[bobsyourauntie]

If there were 15 of you for Christmas dinner then he was hardly interrupting a cosy Christmas with just you and your daughters, so she is BU.

She is 22, she is an adult who could go off at any point and leave you on your own. You have devoted your life to them for 10 years. it is totally selfish of her to expect you to not want to carve out your own life now and to have a relationship.

I would keep talking to her about it, but do not give in to her. You cannot let her dictate that your BG won't move in in the future, that is totally unrealistic and very controlling.

I would suggest that she gets counselling for her issues

[HollowTalk]

I could understand if there was just you, him and your daughter there on Christmas Day, but there were 15 people! She could sit with others and take no notice of him if she wanted to.

Does she work? Does she have friends?

[averythinline]

I think you stick with your there is no guarentee approach - because there are no guarentees in life....

it does sound like you have enabled her to stay in child mode at home and she hasn't developed teh mental and emotional skills to separate ... but this is always going to happen.... does she have any diagnosis or help with her anxiety? as in away being her rock has stopeed her devloping a bit.... most 22yr olds are ready to fly the nest ...

In honesty I think any moving in/future plans with your BF need to slowdown a bit whilst you focus on helping her get ready to live away from home in some shape or form....
does she work? study? what are her goals for the future... she may not want to talk about it as obviously doesnt like change but you will just have have to keep on it .......

You need to reduce her dependance on you - irrespective of the BF -
and build her resiliance - if she can do time away in a different country which is really brave .... why cant she share a flat with other YP or work toward her own...

[averythinline]

I'm also not sure why you send her messages, especially if you live in the same house...

[KirstyJC]

Does she work? How come she still lives at home at 22? Does she pay rent? She is completely unreasonable to tell you who can live with you in your home for ever more! If it bothers her that much she can move out, like adults do.

You obviously have a close bond but she needs to get on with life and let you do the same,

[Drum2018]

She now wants a guarantee that no matter if its 10 years on and she doesn't want my BF to move in then I won't! I think this is totally unreasonable as I cannot put my life on hold forever but she is so panicked about it happening. I don't know how to respond to these demands

Tell her she's unlikely to be still living at home age 32 and if she carries on behaving like a spoilt pre teen she'll unlikely be living at home age 23! You need to make a big effort to get her to learn some independence. She cannot rely on you forever. Be straight and tell her that you and your partner are free to move in together if and when you please and you won't be seeking anyone's permission.

[Bluntness100]

Are you saying she woke up on Xmas morning he was in your home? Or he stayed over that night?

I also think as she struggles and you know it it's a bit much to have him there for anything other than Xmas dinner. Yes she's an adult. But it's her home too and you know she struggles. You seem to also have him over a lot, I assume staying in your bed, so I can see how this might be difficult for her.

You don't have to be single for ever, but you do need to recognise her anxiety issues and try to tread carefully not shout, whoo hooo a bloke and have him there every chance you get. Which it sounds like you're doing.