Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Ex girlfriend looking after DC

29 replies

Hullabalooo · 31/05/2019 20:39

It's DC weekend with his dad this weekend and it transpires that he's not actually around as he's gone off to a festival leaving his GF in charge.

I'm really cross about it. Do I have any right to be? Is it that he can do whatever he wants on his time with kids even if not actually with them? It feels like time I could be having with DC if he isn't having them.

OP posts:
HJWT · 31/05/2019 20:42

@Hullabalooo do you have a court order in place, in reality there is nothing you can do but if it became a regular occurence I would go back to court with the evidence and get the contact time cut down because hes not actually having contact with them Hmm

Maybe send him a polite message saying in future if he has plans on his weekend you would prefer if he let you know in advance and you will keep the DC home with you!

Original poster
Hullabalooo · 31/05/2019 21:21

Hi thanks for replying. No court order yet but he's currently taking me to court for increased contact with dc so bizarre he's doing this. Yes I guess I can factor this in. Really sad about it though.. Hate that DC not with me if he's not there either.

OP posts:
spaceyface89 · 31/05/2019 22:18

I tried to get a clause in court order that said each parent has first refusal if parent with contact that weekend is away for a night or more. The court said no, that they don't want to meddle too far into arrangements. I don't think it's bad clause at all. I hate the fact my child is routinely passed around on my ex's contact time just because it's apparently his to organise as he wants

Original poster
Hullabalooo · 31/05/2019 22:29

Do you think courts would ever agree to that?

OP posts:
Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 31/05/2019 22:34

His lack of effort with the dc will sadly show itself in time. No judge I ever dealt with would have added such a clause. In exh's time dc care is his decision. Would you answer to him now he is an ex?

Original poster
Hullabalooo · 01/06/2019 11:12

Well no but I wouldn't ask a partner to look after my dc. They're my responsibility.

OP posts:
poweroverme · 01/06/2019 14:49

You wouldn't ask a partner to look after your dc? That is crazy.

Original poster
Hullabalooo · 02/06/2019 08:10

Not if they weren't my dc dad no. Why is that crazy? They're my kids. My responsibility. I'd happily ask family members but a partner who's not related is different imo

OP posts:
AnybodysDude · 02/06/2019 08:21

Is it still a new relationship?

Only reason I am asking is that this became the norm for us after about a year of me and DH being together (and the same DSS's mum and her husband, who got together at about the same time). 50/50 contact. It made more sense for DSS to have a routine of staying flat X house at Y time, so whoever didn't have contact with him could make plans six months ahead if they needed to and know that they wouldn't be asked to swap. It also gave DSS a chance to build a relationship with me independent of his dad, and the same with his stepdad independent of his mum.

I can understand if it's a new relationship he has though that it can be frustrating.

LolaSmiles · 02/06/2019 08:21

Both parents can book things when they like, they just have to make childcare arrangements.

Friends of mine spent last night away at a gig. They had someone babysit the children. It's no different if it's a resident or non-resident parent.

Part of having responsibility is to plan and arrange childcare as required, not that you spend 100% of the time with the child for fear the other parent wants a pop.

If this was every weekend then comments like 'lack of effort' showing in time might be appropriate but it's one weekend. I don't think you have the right to dictate and trying to get it through court that you can dictate how the other parent does this seems off to me.

AnybodysDude · 02/06/2019 08:27

I should add that this also means DSS never feels "unwanted" because the only time contact arrangements change from the norm are when one family ask to have him extra for a specific event (family party or wedding etc). He is never sent back to his mums because his dad has to work an extra shift, or sent from mum to dad because his mum has an exercise class. It just falls into a routine family unit - there are two adults in that unit capable of looking after him so if one is otherwise occupied, the other does it rather than sending him away.

MrsxRocky · 02/06/2019 08:45

We had a contact order with my step daughter but because of his working hours she was with me more than him. I didn't mind it if it was a one off every now and the but it was constant.
He went from doing night shifts to be put on day shifts. At least on a night he was with her all day and I only looked after her in evening and night.
So I made decision that it wasn't fair on child as yes she should be with her mum if not with her dad. I've got my own little boy I want to be able to do things with on Weekend as I work full time m to f.
If you're in a long term relationship partners will support each other. My husband treats my son like his own and acts like a father would ie supports me with school pick ups or shoes me off for a coffee with my friend and he and my boy have some down time. Its family life.
But I wouldn't expect him to be the main care giver just as I wouldn't if it was our own child.
If this woman is routinely having your child more than the father it does seem very pointless him going and I would just say can we swap weekends seeing as you're away anyway.

Cherim90 · 02/06/2019 08:49

I think you have the right to be annoyed yes, he could have simply said he wouldn't be there and like u said you'd then have the choice. I mean it might be that his girlfriend enjoys looking after yours and his child but it should have been mentioned :)

feathermucker · 02/06/2019 08:58

How old are the DC and what sort of relationship do they have with the girlfriend?

DoctorDread · 02/06/2019 09:03

Can you suggest you swap weekends as the dc go to spend time specifically with him?

Original poster
Hullabalooo · 02/06/2019 09:10

I'm not taking him to court. He's taking me to court. He's saying he wants more time with dc but isn't actually around or is getting gf to look after dc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hullabalooo · 02/06/2019 09:13

I only found out he wasn't around through an internet post from his band. He didn't tell me he wouldn't be there.

My main concern is that I don't have her number and she doesn't have mine. What if something had happened to dc during time their dad wasn't around and I wouldn't have known or been informed.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 02/06/2019 09:22

I get that he's wanting more contact, I was on about people advising getting clauses in court to dictate his time.

You say he's not around. Is this a case of he's not around this weekend and you don't want his new girlfriend involved or is this a case of he is rarely providing care to his kids? That makes a difference.

Original poster
Hullabalooo · 02/06/2019 13:02

It's happened before according to DC but I think this is the longest he's left them with his gf before.

I'm not trying to control everything he does and I do realise that ultimately if he has dc it's up to him what he does with them but this is someone who in his court application complained about dc spending time with my parents during my time with him. But it's ok for non family to do this?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 02/06/2019 13:14

I can see why you’re annoyed as you didn’t know beforehand. Equally though there are plenty of people who’d be pissed off their ex made plans when he was due to have contact and said he couldn’t and expected the RP to sort. He’s kept contact as agreed and made suitable childcare arrangements.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/06/2019 13:15

this is someone who in his court application complained about dc spending time with my parents during my time with him

Ah, then he’s a dick.

Original poster
Hullabalooo · 02/06/2019 13:30

Yes he is that sure enough

OP posts:
Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 02/06/2019 17:30

My ex had put in the court order he needed to collect ds at 8 am every Saturday for football practice...
He dropped him half asleep at his dps while he went to work..
When I met now dh he occasionally had dc alone, how else could he have built such an amazing relationship with them?
Learning about each other would not have happened the same under my eye...

Amibeingdaft81 · 02/06/2019 17:33

Could you forge a positive relationship with the girlfriend? That is pretty much the only solution that is going to possibly work out in everyone’s favour.

Original poster
Hullabalooo · 02/06/2019 18:04

It's difficult though as my ex is a domestic abuser so I find it really hard to be anywhere near him and means I don't really want to deal with his gf as means having to liaise with ex

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread