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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

I don't feel I'm doing a good enough job on my own

68 replies

Pinkchampagne · 22/06/2007 21:53

I am finding it so hard on my own with the boys, especially with DS1, and I'm getting it all so wrong.

I found a little drawing in DS1's book bag today, which has upset me, & I feel so awful.

I want to get it right, but it is so hard when I am being constantly challanged & sometimes I am guilty of shouting, when I know I shouldn't.

It's harder than I imagined & I don't feel I am doing a good enough job on my own right now.

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tortoise · 22/06/2007 22:00

It is hard on our own. I have 4 on my own and of course there are days when i feel i am not doing well too and i shout sometimes.
I bet you are doing a great job .
Can you talk to DS1 about the drawing?

tortoise · 22/06/2007 22:12

Bumping for you. I am sure someone is better at advice than me. I can never find the right words.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/06/2007 22:12

DS has been challanging me with his behaviour since day 1, and much as I try to think of positive ways to deal with it, sometimes it gets too much & I end up shouting, which is bad.
I always feel bad after & apologise, telling him I shouldn't have shouted, and have been known to say something like "Mummy is sorry, I just get a bit tired & grumpy sometimes"

This picture I found is like a little scene & bits of it are labelled.
I saw he had drawn me & labelled it "mummy" & there was a machine with a figure exploding, with the words "Machine blow up" above it. Then there was a figure saying "sorry"

I asked him what his picture was all about, and he told me that I was going in the machine after shouting because I was tired, then I came out of the machine & said "Sorry"
I asked if he felt mummy shouted too much, and he said "Sometimes when you're tired"

He didn't really want to say anymore, but I have felt so awful all night. I'm obviously getting it all so wrong.

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TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench · 22/06/2007 22:13

Me too Pinkchampagne. I don't think I can offer you any good advice, but I empathise.

I yell at DD, and feel terrible about it. With no other adult there, there's nothing to diffuse things, it can become a very intense dynamic.

DD told me that she thinks I don't love her the other day, because I'm always telling her off

All I can say is you're not alone, and us single parents must stick together...

aimeesmummy · 22/06/2007 22:15

DD keeps a book in which she does pictures as well as writing bits and pieces and I saw a new drawing and it really upset me. I didn't ask her about it staight away but mulled it over cos I didn't want to be upset in front of her over it (Guilt over me moving Daddy out 6 months ago). When we did talk, she was a bit embarrassed but I said it was ok to be cross with me if she feels that way but it might be an idea if she could tell me why she was cross with me.... the same way I tell her if she doesn't ever want a cuddle, she can say so, and if she feels I'm not listening to her she can say so too etc etc (thanks for the Not Now Bernard book Emmymummy!).
We're all guilty of shouting, please don't worry! I snapped momentarily trying to get dd to bed last night and she literally put her head in her hands on her little table and sobbed - I felt awful! BUT....we both know we both get cross sometimes, we have lots of communication which I honestly feel helps her understand why I get cross with her and why she gets cross with me. She's 6 btw.
I'm sure you're doing a great job. Keep smiling. x

tortoise · 22/06/2007 22:20

Can you go to another room if you feel your abput to snap and shout? I guess that would give you a few minutes to calm down reducing the risk of you shouting.
Are you getting enough sleep to not be as tired? (I know i don't.I MN too late at night.)

starfairy · 22/06/2007 22:25

Being a single parent is a very hard job.

We're all guilty of shouting at the wee ones at one time or another.

Do you get any time for yourself at all?

mojosmum · 22/06/2007 22:33

hi i shout at dd far to much everytime i shout when i know i shouldnt i say i wont do it again but i always do & that makes me feel crap sometimes i think she would be better off with her dad then i realise she wouldnt because he does the same & very rarely see her.
i know its no excuss but i have her 24/7 so is an overactive child i love her but she drives me mad but when she slept in last weekend i was histerical as i thought there was something wrong with her & was so happy when she got up & drove me mad

anyway point im trying to make is its hard for us all we all know we shouldnt shout so much but we do love are children you are not alone

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/06/2007 22:37

I have been trying really hard to focus on positive methods to deal with his behaviour, like smiley charts & praising him for the positives, but the chart doesn't seem to be working (although I'm trying a new kind of chart tomorrow), and when he is challanging me as much as he has been since the move, it can get too much sometimes.

We only moved around 6 weeks back, and there have been moments when I haven't felt emotionally with it enough to cope with the amount he has been testing me. I have been trying hard, but sometimes failing.

They aren't staying with their dad often atm, because he is still staying with my parents while waiting for his house to be finished.

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aimeesmummy · 22/06/2007 22:39

Sounds like there've been lots of changes - hard for an adult to cope with let alone a child. Remember you are going to be his "punch-bag" - if there's anything unsettled in his life, he'll take it out n your because he know's you'll still be there for him.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/06/2007 22:46

I know, and I feel so guilty.

Lots of people have said to me that the mum will always be the one they take it out on because we have them the majority of the time & daddy is there for the occassional treat. I know this separation has really affected him, and I feel very bad.

Seeing the little picture this evening, was very upsetting.

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starfairy · 22/06/2007 22:51

Next time you feel your gonna shout at him, why not turn it into a hug instead.

Here's one for you {{{{hug}}}}

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/06/2007 22:58

Thanks.
I do try hard not to get cross, but having him constantly not doing as he's told & answering back, can prove quite a challange when you're not feeling tip top yourself.

i have spoken to his class teacher, who is lovely, and I also spoke to the SENCO (he is being assessed for SEN) who gave me advice on a new behaviour chart where I focus only on smiley faces. I am going to start this new chart tomorrow.

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starfairy · 22/06/2007 23:02

Hang on in there, it will get better. I bet your doing a grand job.

Have got to ask what senco is.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/06/2007 23:04

Special educational needs co-ordinator, I think that's it anyway!

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starfairy · 22/06/2007 23:06

How old is he?

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/06/2007 23:08

He is 7.9

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aimeesmummy · 22/06/2007 23:09

I had a conversation with my Mum this evening - that since me n ex have split, he's the one who takes dd out and does lots of nice things whereas with me it's boring old weekend stuff, so I think she has all the fun with Daddy and none with me. But that's life and the role of "mum" doesnt change when you're singe does it, you still do all the running round and picking up and shopping and wiping etc etc... as well as all the other jobs that daddy would probably have done. Are YOU better off with the seperation? Was it your choice? I went to Relate (on my own this time, we went as a couple before) to talk through consequences of seperating and she said that kids do best in the following scenarios:
1)where parents are together and happy and stable
2)parents seperated and happy and stable
3)parents stay together but unhappy and arguing
4)parents not together but still not getting on
So I know that even though I'm broke (see my whinge on other thread!) and got scary things to face up to, I'm a lot happier seperated and I think ex is too if he's honest - plus dd has adapted amazingly well and is mostly happy, except when she's cross with me! I've got moving to face up to at some point and no looking forward to it. But I find I HAVE to stay positive (even tho its hard and I can be a bloody miserable cow sometimes, at work too which doesn't go down well!) otherwise I get really down. Exercise helps, even if it's just the measily one yoga class I get to a week, I spent the whole 15 mins relaxation session silently boo-ing a couple of months ago.
Keep on telling your boys you love them, let them push limits but stick to where you've set the limits as if they learn you give in, they'll push again.
Just read this message back, I'm waffling a lot this evening, sorry.

aimeesmummy · 22/06/2007 23:12

A bit more waffle.... I did a post-natal course when dd ws tiny and the one thing I remember is to ignore bad behaviour and reward/acknowledge good behaviour. I know that's hard once they're that bit older and start playing you up but it still works.

j20baby · 22/06/2007 23:14

PC, know how you feel, have posted a similar thread in parenting, no advice, just {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

snowwonder · 22/06/2007 23:22

i do think there are many who feel the same. you are not alone,
i for one know exactly what you mean, the weeks seem to go not to badly, as i am at work and the kids school etc, but i find the weekends so hard especially when we have nothing to do - like this one..
it drags so much the 2 days feel like 2 weeks

maybe when you exp gets sorted with the house he will be able to have thme to give you a much deserved break..

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/06/2007 23:23

I know, and this is what I'm trying, but it's hard when the bad is happening the majority of the time, or when it will make me late for work! (like when he won't get his shoes on etc)

I had his TA come up to me & tell me she thinks he is trying to punish me, and maybe she's right.

The separation was my decision after a long struggle with exH's temper problems, but we lived together for the best part of a year following that decision.
Most of the time things are quite amicable between us now, so the boys are not exposed to any arguing.

I try to stay pretty upbeat, and have coped with the actual separation process better than I thought I would.
I have also carried on working as normal throughout (I also work with children, so shouldn't have struggles with my own!), which I got a pat on the back for today in my performance management meeting!
It is the day to day struggles with the boys & the behaviour changes that I find a struggle, and the horrible feeling that I'm just not doing a good enough job on my own.

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Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/06/2007 23:25

The "I know" was in response to the "Ignore the bad, but praise the good" comment btw!

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aimeesmummy · 22/06/2007 23:30

Good for you, getting a pat on the back at work! Give yourself another one right now!

and I know exactly what you mean about weekends snowwonder.

Original poster

Pinkchampagne · 22/06/2007 23:35

I don't think I deserve one right now!

I am with you on the weekend thing too, snowwonder. I don't drive either, which makes it harder sometimes.

j20baby - sorry you are also having struggles.

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