I don't feel I'm doing a good enough job on my own

[Pinkchampagne]

I am finding it so hard on my own with the boys, especially with DS1, and I'm getting it all so wrong.

I found a little drawing in DS1's book bag today, which has upset me, & I feel so awful.

I want to get it right, but it is so hard when I am being constantly challanged & sometimes I am guilty of shouting, when I know I shouldn't.

It's harder than I imagined & I don't feel I am doing a good enough job on my own right now.

Have one. But just the one, eh! (I don't keep a stock of vodka, or chocolate, for the very reason that when I want some, I can't go out and get it an by the time I can, the craving has gone)

Well maybe two!

I have been quite good this week & not drunk very much at all, even last night, but I am feeling in a bit of a bad way tonight & need something to calm me down.

It can be a bit of a slippery slope though, can't it.
Have just read the thread since I last was on-line on Friday; sorry to hear about exH and the late night and you being a horrid Mummy - which we all know you're not. I'd have hit the roof in the same situation. I seriously do not think that Dads REALLY understand about childcare; the word speaks for itself, Care Of Child, and that's not an 11pm+ bedtime, even if it is a weekend (unless it's a special occasion I guess). Dd is a nightmare for about 3 days after a late night. My Solicitor (sorry, I know I keep mentioning her but she's fabtastic) says that the reason that there is still a female preferance for child care in a split is that it is recognised that mothers plan and think ahead for the kids for all sorts of things from making sure there's enough in for tea, schooliforms (a Charlie and Lola ism!) clean and ready for Monday, and recognising that a late night will have repercussions. I think I've also whinged somewhere about dc having all the fun with the "non resident" Dad and the Mums getting all the work and grief.

Have you got someone you can ring and have a bit of a heart to heart with tonight??

I won't bother anyone tonight. Talking on here helps me, and people can choose to ignore me if they wish, whereas if I phoned someone, they would be forced to listen to me moan on whether they liked it or not!

I spoke to my sister this afternoon, but have asked her not to say anything to my parents. I don't want my parents knowing I'm not coping great.

I will be ok, i'm just feeling a bit overloaded with things, but it will pass.

Do you want to share what's on your mind tonight? I'm happy to be moaned at as long as you like. And someone else lurking might have some good advice.

I have another thread in the lone parents section which I started in the early hours after finding out ex H has been moving on with some mystery tart.
Shouldn't get to me, but it really shocked me & knocked me for six.

Also, I am getting totally worn down with Ds1's behaviour & everything I try seems to fail.

I have just filled out the forms explaining his difficulties (DS1 is also being assessed for SEN) for his forthcoming appt with an OT, and I feel churned up knowing that I am pretty likely to soon have to face up to the fact my son really does have something wrong, which I always get upset about.

I am also feeling down about the way my parents view me since my decision to separate.

Basically it is a real combination of things, and much as I'm normally quite good at coping, I'm not doing too well right now & I've been crying on & off all day.
It probably doesn't sound much, but I am feeling overloaded with it all.

I spent practically the whole of May in tears for what doesn't sound like much when you write it down (won't bore you). I find crying very cathartic, makes me fel so much better and if I look like shite the next day, so bloody what.

You have a lot on your plate, I've picked that much up, but I've also picked up that you're managing. Getting through one day to the next counts as managing. (I'm pretty new to all this, I don't know how to find what else people have written about, or how to be annonymous and change a nickname, but I'll have a look in the Lone Parents section for your thread and have a read).

If your son does have something up with him, surely its better that it was recognised and something could then be done to help him? I would rather know than not know and be left wondering and worrying. I find it's the not-knowing about something that is worse than finding out, because if you know what it is, you can look positively to next steps to helping him.

That could go for your ex's new gf too (the knowing); now you know about it, you can have a rant and a rave and use lot of 4 letter words (with asterisks if on here!) and get it out of your system. See my other thread this evening about my ex being on his 3rd woman in the 6 months. It pissses me off, more than I let on in that short thread, and even though I KNOW I dont want him back, there is some jealousy.

My Mum was very against me splitting with husb "that poor child (re dd), from a broken home" etc etc.... not to my face but to one of my sisters who then told me! You have to remind yourself again and again that you decided to seperate for the best reasons and you made the right decision in the long run. It's your life, to be run how you think fit; you can't live acording to your parents rules.

Found your other thread PC, sorry to hear how you found out about the new female. How old is she, texting like that, for gods sake!!! But even sorrier to hear about your parents attitude, it sucks quite frankly. Why the hell are they being like that?? I do know it's hard but you really need to stick up for yourself with them, be as strong as you can, they need to recognise that their priority is you and the kids in all this.

For info and a bit of a story before i go to bed, my experience of mobile texts... when I went on mat leave at 37 weeks, I was awake one night and as I'd recently been feeling neglected by dp (recently ex'd!), I looked at his mobile to see if he kept texts from me as I always kept the last one from him. I found a message on there which started "Hello sexy kisser..." from a woman who'd been a neighbour and friend of his 1st wife when they were married - and who he'd recently met up with for a coffee & catch-up. I went cold. I asked him about it a couple of days later and, without taking his eyes off the tv, said something like they'd had a bit of fling before he left his 1st wife and the text was referring to that. The lack of detail had me really suspicious (hence me now preferring to know all, cos at least then you can deal with it!) so during deep conversations at various times since then, I've asked again and each time he'd provide more detail. Turns out, he had an affair for 18 months with her and she's STILL a friend of his 1st wife who obviously doesn't know (I hope she's not on MN!). Although he doesn't call it an affair as they never slept together, "everything but" apparently (yeah yeah). Dangerous things, mobile phones.

How awful, AM!

I don't know how old this girl is, but she seems nice & easy for him!

As for my parents - I will never make them see things from my POV, so I am giving up!

New chart seems to be making little difference atm. I really hope this gets better eventually, I can't take much more.

keep going PC - You have been through alot, and so has your DS - mine are acting awfully at the moment - its because they are unsettled (i hope) but I have even got to the point where I have felt like saying "you want to split - you have them" - I never would, never never never, but sometimes it does seem so so draining and scary.

Good luck

Sorry to hear that IHIT. It is really hard isn't it?

I'm really really not doing well with everything anymore. I am worried that I just cannot cope, & seem to have reached a bit of a breaking point right now.

you will be fine pc - because (and this is what my mum and dad keep telling me) you HAVE to be.

boys are hard work - and would have been whether you are together are not. if you are like me, even tho you may have had ex around - largely they were seen as YOUR children anyways

He wasn't around that much even when we were together.
I'm trying to stay on top of things, but today I feel I am sinking a bit.

You are doing great keep going - don't worry we have all been there - the other day I told DD se could go and live with her father if she didn't behave she cried and I felt terrible spent all eve reassuring her...
FWIW my (D)H did very little when he was with us so no change there...

same with me - he has done next to nothing and barely talked to me in the last few years - so its not like I'll miss the company! He never, never got up once in the night when DS2 was born, or since.

PC - it is hard - but keep thinking what I am thinking "this time next week, month, 6 months or even year I will be happier"

Boys are hard work, but they love their mummies the best - eve when we have been grumpy baggages!

It is hard, and it's hard to know whether you're getting the balance just right.

DS1 has been much better today from when I picked him up from school, and he has been very loving.

I guess I should expect things to be very up & down for a while yet though.

Found out that DS2 (who I feel is much less effected) has been quite moody at nursery just recently, which is probably also related to all that has been going with the separation & move.