Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

1 2 3 4 5

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

DNA Result. Should i tell the parental family

113 replies

laurajayne3 · 20/10/2017 23:51

Long story short I had a 3some with someone I was seein for a few years and his friend. There's a lot behind that story but I won't go into it. Anyway I prayed he was going to be the guys I was seein. 18 months later a dna has shown he's not. Apparently he's told his friend and he said he wants nothing to do with him. I would prefer to have the conversation with him directly and not through my ex as he is a compulsive liar. But that said I can imagine his friend would say that. My question is should I tell his family? I don't have any phone numbers for him, but I do know his sister's name on Facebook. He won't want me to tell them. And I don't want to stir any unnessary drama or feel like I'm begging something when he's said he wants nothing to do with the baby. Would I look stupid and desperate to do this? I don't feel like i have any right as I don't know them. And we were never ever together. I was with his friend. And I'm pretty sure he's on And off with his other kids mum. And it's his family not mine. I don't want to look like some desperate stalker. But I would like my son to have as much family as possible. If they wanted to obviously. Do you think his family would want to know as they would be his grandparents and aunty. Or am I just best leaving it? Thanks

OP posts:

Report

laurajayne3 · 22/10/2017 01:08

Shiftymake - thanks for that reply. I have actually just found the dad's instagram through his sister's account. I didn't find him via his name as he doesn't have his name. Just a username. So I think I will message at first and just say is it true what x person has said. You don't want anything to so with him. And go from there. To be honest I can imagine him just ignoring me. If he did ignore me after giving him a week or 2 to digest it. But still no reply. Would you then message his mum? And say along the lines of i just wanted to message u to let u no u have a grandson. Ur son knows about him but doesn't want to see him. Ur welcome to see him. But if u don't want to it's fine. I just thought u sud no and give u the option

OP posts:

laurajayne3 · 22/10/2017 01:12

The 2 things im.worried about. One his mum isn't on Instagram and only on Fb. I know on Fb if ur not friends they go into ur "other" filtered messages. U dont get a notification (I don't think) so cud never know u had a message. Also she only has pictures of his younger sisters not him. So I'm wondering if she is his mum. Or if they just have the same dad. She does have pictures of his kids. So I'm guessing so. Just not 100%

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 22/10/2017 01:12

These two men have treated you really badly. Bollocks did the father of your child not know that you were coerced. I would strongly recommend that you go through CMS for maintenance. He had unprotected sex with the partner of his friend. He needs to take financial responsibility for the child that resulted from that.

However, I don't think that you should contact his family. I do understand what you are saying, but actually, if a child has a solid small family, which I think your child does, they don't need a wider family who may be ambivalent or even hostile.

I think that you are hoping that they will be pleased to have a grand child and embrace you both but I think that you are laying yourself open to rejection and hurt.

But I think that you should make sure that this sexually entitled and unkind man takes responsibility for his careless insemination and supports his child financially by going through CMS. A financially secure future for your child is more valuable than a half-hearted relationship with reluctant strangers. Plus it might make him think before he takes advantage of vulnerable women in future which has to be a good thing.

laurajayne3 · 22/10/2017 01:22

HeddaGarbled - I'm not bothered about money. I mean it would be nice. But there's no point. He doesn't work and anything he does is cash in hand. So on paper he wouldn't have earnings. I get 100% what ur saying. But should I not take the possibly of rejection now for my son while hes too young to know? Rather than my son have the rejection when he's older incase he did want to look for them? Which is a big possibility especially with social media now. My cousin turned up at my grans doorstep. Nowadays all kids need to do out of curiosity is type a name in Fb. If they are hostile, or dont want to know then nothing lost. If they did welcome then a massive plus. I don't want to judge them on their sons actions. My uncle's a wrongen with no family values. Whereas everyone else is the total opposite

OP posts:

youarenotkiddingme · 22/10/2017 08:24

You actually sound very level headed despite the fact you question that in yourself

Imo you're right in that the circumstances of conception here are irrelevant. You have a son who has a maternal and paternal family and both should have the opportunity to be involved - whatever they decide to eventually do with the information.

I also second the posters saying contact CMS. I know this isn't about finances but your ds father entered into that threesome knowing the risks and why should your ds suffer financially for 3 other adults decisions?

Good luck

GreenTulips · 22/10/2017 08:39

I would messages him, but Ben more direct

Hi, I am sending you pics of David and as you can see he's a great kid. If you'd like to meet him please text me in xxx xxx.

I think he Lao need to meet his extended family and hope you can arrange something soon.

Or to his mother

Hi I X and I'd like to introduce you to baby, he's now X months old and he's your grandson. I've asked x to meet him and so far he's refused. However if you would like a relationship with him, feel free to contact me on xxx xxx to arrange a convenient time and place.

GreenTulips · 22/10/2017 08:40

FB - if she has it in a phone app it pings the same for both messages

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 22/10/2017 09:34

I would message him but go wotg the "I'm not sure if X told you bit you are the Dad, here is a pic, blah blah " rather than the defensive "well X said you didn't want to see him"

GlitteryFluff · 22/10/2017 11:04

I agree with that kind of message ^^ rather than a defensive one and go from there.

laurajayne3 · 22/10/2017 21:00

Thanks everyone. It's given me the confidence that I will say sommot. It can only be a good things. If they don't want to know then I know for my son when he's older. If he still wants to contact them when he's older that's his choice. But he can into eyes wide open knowing they already had a chance when he was a baby and that chances are 2nd time round they won't want to know. If any of them do want to know then bonus. We're staying at my cousins tonight as I don't want to be on my own when I message them. And everyone's said to do it now so I can get it over and done with and move on either way x

OP posts:

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 22/10/2017 21:12

Yeah def do it whilst you have the support xx

Mamabear3017 · 22/10/2017 21:25

Tell them!

It's not up the the father whether he wants them to know or not.

When my ex left, I admittedly turned a bit crazy & emailed everyone who would likely be a part of my DS's life.....absolutely none of them wanted to know (can't say I'm surprised, ex is a dick, he just had to come from a dick family!)

Telling them gives you piece of mind, knowing you tried.

C0untDucku1a · 22/10/2017 21:34

How about just shortening green tulips post a little to take out her son being a twat? She will work that out herself pretty quickly!

Hi im laura and id like to introduce you to baby. He is X months old and he is your grandson. If you would like a relationship with him please feel free to contact me on... to arrange a time and place.

Maybe add something friendly / emotive like im sure he would love to grow up with a grandma / nanna.

laurajayne3 · 22/10/2017 22:40

Well I've message the dad. And he's blocked me without even opening the full message to see what it said. I expected to be ignored if I'm honest. But to not even read the full message and open it!

OP posts:

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 22/10/2017 23:13

Arse. I think we can assume that your ex has indeed told him.

You gonna try the sister?

Dexywexy · 22/10/2017 23:24

Sorry I did not reply sooner. My son knows all about his dad. I have been very truthful even tho the truth is not very good. My son is ok with it. His father died a few years ago. Part of me regrets that they had no relationship and part of me is glad I kept my son away from all the ups and downs. Yes, the family know about my son now.

Dexywexy · 22/10/2017 23:28

My situation was different from yours because I was on speaking terms with my son's father even tho he wasn't involved with my son. It sounds like a very difficult situation for you. I hope it goes well if you contact his family.

GlitteryFluff · 22/10/2017 23:42

He may have read it all - if you aren't friends he gets to read the message without it notifying you a 'read' icon. He can then accept it or decline it. So I would say he has read it, then blocked you or deleted you or whatever without accepting. If that makes sense?

Dexywexy · 22/10/2017 23:49

Maybe you should try for maintenance through.the CSA or whoever does it now. Not for the money but so you have some kind of proof he is the dad. When my son's father died that was how I found out, the CSA phoned me. It was also proof he accepted he was my son's father which helped me with some things after his death. Is your son's father in a relationship?

laurajayne3 · 23/10/2017 01:28

GlitteryFluff - I don't think he read as I set up a new account and tested it with my cousin. And the message was unread n deleted on my side the second she decline and blocked.

OP posts:

laurajayne3 · 23/10/2017 01:30

Dexywexy - so his family kbow about your son and dont want to know? Im.not sure if he's in a relationship. If he is it's not a faithful one as he was begging it of someone last week. From what I know from a couple years ago I think he's on And off with the mother of his youngest

OP posts:

laurajayne3 · 23/10/2017 01:30

I got brave and messaged his sister this. Hi. I don't know if x would have told you. Long story short. I've got a son. He's 18 months old. X did a dna last week and it's come back he's his. I've contacted him with no reply. It's not a game a baby's life. If he doesn't want to no a response would be appreciated and not through his m8. If u as his aunty, or ur mum as his gran ever wants to see him ur very welcome. If not it's ok. But if someone could pls let know so I can tell him when he's older. Thanks

OP posts:

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

laurajayne3 · 23/10/2017 01:32

It's not read yet but I suppose it's late now

OP posts:

laurajayne3 · 23/10/2017 01:33

I really wouldn't bother with csa. Just because my cousin has had a nightmare the past 2 years and still isn't getting anything. And i know he doesn't work and dont even think he has a fixed address. So the money for a csa application wouldn't even be worth it x

OP posts:

laurajayne3 · 23/10/2017 01:58

Mamabear3017 - I suppose everyone can go a bit crazy when it comes to their kids. I really don't blame u. And I think u was brave to do so. Why shouldn't they all know. Your child is a blessing and it's their loss. If I was me and my son when he was older. I would hope I raised him better. If not, because at the end of the day they make their own choices, I would include my grandchild regardless and encourage my son to do the same x

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.