Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

DNA Result. Should i tell the parental family

113 replies

laurajayne3 · 20/10/2017 23:51

Long story short I had a 3some with someone I was seein for a few years and his friend. There's a lot behind that story but I won't go into it. Anyway I prayed he was going to be the guys I was seein. 18 months later a dna has shown he's not. Apparently he's told his friend and he said he wants nothing to do with him. I would prefer to have the conversation with him directly and not through my ex as he is a compulsive liar. But that said I can imagine his friend would say that. My question is should I tell his family? I don't have any phone numbers for him, but I do know his sister's name on Facebook. He won't want me to tell them. And I don't want to stir any unnessary drama or feel like I'm begging something when he's said he wants nothing to do with the baby. Would I look stupid and desperate to do this? I don't feel like i have any right as I don't know them. And we were never ever together. I was with his friend. And I'm pretty sure he's on And off with his other kids mum. And it's his family not mine. I don't want to look like some desperate stalker. But I would like my son to have as much family as possible. If they wanted to obviously. Do you think his family would want to know as they would be his grandparents and aunty. Or am I just best leaving it? Thanks

OP posts:

Original poster

laurajayne3 · 21/10/2017 00:47

Exactly. I don't i suppose. I just never feel entitled to speak out. I think cos my ex has controlled me for so long and I get anxious at the thought of goin against him. And his reply wen I said tell his friend as he has a right to know was he doesn't want anything to do with him. So that's that. Which I kind of read that's that so keep ur mouth shut and forget about it all. So I think I just wanted clarity that I am entitled to just let them know and give them a choice

OP posts:

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 21/10/2017 01:39

What did the friend say when you were doing the DNA test?

MinorRSole · 21/10/2017 02:23

I would let the csa track down the father for you. It’s totally irrelevant whether he wants to know or not. He helped create a life and he should help support that child.
Plus if the ex has been lying then the csa getting in touch will solve that issue too. Leave the family out of it just now

GreenTulips · 21/10/2017 16:32

I disagree about leaving the family out of it

Grandmothers have a natural instinct and want to know and love their grandchildren and can be quite influential in keeeping family together

Original poster

laurajayne3 · 21/10/2017 21:22

He didn't want to the test at first. But I went on sayin He needed to do it to prove He isn't as I was convinced He was my exs. He just kept saying he's not mine he's his (meaning my exs). I thought the same. So we never had the convo when he was here what would actually happen if he was his. I don't think he would want to see him to be honest. But I asked my mum today if my brother had a one night stand n got someone pregnant would she want to know. And she said as a grandma she would. Also my gran years tried to track down my uncle's kid he had but no one had met. A bit different cos my uncle died and that was his only child. But still

OP posts:

Adviceplease360 · 21/10/2017 21:26

I would definitely tell them. You are very kind and considerate to do so.

Gazelda · 21/10/2017 21:54

I’d spend a bit more time trying to trace him. Do you know his full name? His ex’s name? If he has a job? If that fails, then I’d tell your ex that you are going to get CSA involved, as you need to secure financial support for your DS. Ask him to give you the friend’s number so that you can speak with him and forewarn him. Tell your ex that you don’t want to disrupt anyone’s life, but you need to put your child’s wellbeing first.

GreenTulips · 21/10/2017 23:02

as you need to secure financial support for your DS.

This isn't about finances though - it's about family

KarmaNoMore · 21/10/2017 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenTulips · 21/10/2017 23:21

Why would you want to bring such level of drama and, more importantly, REJECTION to your child?

The child hasn't been rejected at this point he isn't known about

The family can chose to be involved or indeed reject the child BUT at least OP gave them the choice which they would be responsible for

At least OP tried and did everything to include her sons family in his upbringing even if 'dad' didn't want to know

Original poster

laurajayne3 · 21/10/2017 23:47

KarmaNoMore - I don't have to explain to my son or anyone else He was conceived by a 3 some. And it isn't normal to me. My ex was very controlling and abusive and forced me into it (I don't think his friend knew I was forced as he was downstairs when the argument took place) I don't have one night stands. And I'm pretty devastated I've got a child with someone I didn't even want to sleep with. Something I'm in therapy for currently. How he was conceived is irrelavet to if his paternal family should know about him. The only reason I mentioned the circumstances is to explain why I'm so anxious as I never had any sort of relationship with this man. If it was someone I was in a relationship that turned out to be a deadbeat I would tell his family without hesitation. Would you not want to know if u had a grandchild? It wouldn't be rejection as id be giving them the option while he's young enough not to know any different. If they don't want to know at least I can tell him that when he's older rather than him in 16 years time him trying to find them wondering if they would bother with him if they knew about him, and then being rejected (which has happened to someone in my family)

OP posts:

Dexywexy · 21/10/2017 23:50

It is a difficult situation for you. I have been in a similar situation regarding my son's family. I decided we would get on with our lives just the two of us. I think it was the right decision for us. My son is 10 now.

Original poster

laurajayne3 · 21/10/2017 23:52

GreenTulips - this is all I want. To give them a choice. That's it. If they don't want to know then fine. I just don't like drama and suffer bad with anxiety. But I can't see how drama could come from it. I'm wondering if i should message his sister on instgram just asking for his number. And leave my page public. She if she can put 2 and 2 together without me actually saying it as apparently he looks like his other kids. I'm surprised at how many ppl have said I shouldn't say anything. If my son had a child in whatever circumstance I would want to know if I had a grandchild. Is that so strange

OP posts:

Dexywexy · 21/10/2017 23:57

I forgot to say good luck. I hope it works out well for you. My son's father was a complicated person and his family are the same that's why I didn't tell them. I know I did the right thing. It sounds like you know what you want to do. Good luck

Original poster

laurajayne3 · 21/10/2017 23:59

Dexywexy - do they know about your son and just didn't want to know? Or do they not know about him? If they don't do you ever think he would ask about his dad's side of the family when he's older and want to meet them? I had a situation where my uncle's son, who's he's never bothered with and has never even acknowledged him, turned up at my grans door step when he was 16. I dont know exactly what was said. But She rang my uncle and he said he doesn't want to know. So he got rejected by my gran as well. Which I think is awful. At least if I could tell my son if he asks when he's older that I tried and they didn't want to know. He won't be that kid turning up at his grans doorstep and rejected as he already knows they didn't want to know

OP posts:

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 22/10/2017 00:04

Yeah they the Instagram thing. She may ask - you only need to tell her the baby is honlyyou don't owe her an explanation x

C0untDucku1a · 22/10/2017 00:07

You poor thing x i honestly dont know why some people on here are having such difficulty following this either

We recently found out my brother had a teen he didnt know about. Eveyone was excited but disappointed we missed out on so much.

Id tell the family, and cms, and let them decide/

Original poster

laurajayne3 · 22/10/2017 00:18

C0untDucku1a - I'm not sure either! It's giving me more anxiety as I didn't expect so many ppl to say I should tell them. If ur brother DID know about his child when he was a baby. But told the girl he didn't want to know and basically go away. Would u all still want to know? And you as the sister, if I messaged u wud u think I had no right to message U or get u involved ?

OP posts:

Original poster

laurajayne3 · 22/10/2017 00:22

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo - yes I think I might. They'll all probably think im some weirdo stalker to even know her name. But it's not that hard. I think I need to stand up for myself abit more. I wouldn't be doing anything wrong. It's not like he's married and I'm telling his wife. And if I get any come back from my ex about it's not place to tell his family, and make me feel really stupid and desperate, which he's very good at doing. I should just tell him it's nothing to do with him

OP posts:

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 22/10/2017 00:34

Your ex is a Dick. Be glad he has no tie into your life anymore. You need to cut him put completely and he gets NO say on how you live your life x

Original poster

laurajayne3 · 22/10/2017 00:41

C0untDucku1a - EDIT. I'm not sure either! It's giving me more anxiety as I didn't expect so many ppl to say I SHOULDN'T tell them. If ur brother DID know about his child when he was a baby. But told the girl he didn't want to know and basically go away. Would u all still want to know? And you as the sister, if I messaged u wud u think I had no right to message U or get u involved ?

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 22/10/2017 00:48

Yes i would... and my mum would have battered him for saying he didnt want to know too! She is already really upset she missed out on her grandchild’s childhood. The mother didnt know either btw. She thought someone else was the father.

Original poster

laurajayne3 · 22/10/2017 00:48

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo - he is a horrible person. I think I only wanted him to be the dad for the fact of he is someone I chose to be with and sleep with. Unlike his friend. But yes the fact I have no ties with him can only be a good thing. He just gives me very bad anxiety. He's very controlling. And as everything has gone through him so far I would be going against him. And I can just imagine him making me feel stupid and like I'm some stalker getting his family involved. I know I probably sound very pathetic. And I'm not normally. I usually say what I think is right. But when it comes to anything to do with him im a nervous wreck. But if that's my only reason holding me back then i should suck it up as it's nothing at all to do with him anymore. And if he has told the truth about what his friend has said. Well his friend should be man enough to tell me directly. N if I have to go through his family for a conversation then so be it (easier said than done 🙈)

OP posts:

Shiftymake · 22/10/2017 00:54

I would include a surprise child as my niese/ nephew, but naturally those things will come as a shock and people will need time to digest. Not everyone will take this situation well, but at least they have a choice to say yes or no. The worst they can say is no, we don't wish for contact, neither should one drop the bomb from no where. First try to get in touch with the father and make it clear to him that he needs to inform his family, if all else fails I would contact his mother rather then the sister and inform her that you have some news that she needs to be aware of and that it is difficult as you are afraid of the reactions. When/if contact is established you tell her of her unknown gc. As for your x, if he tries to do anything, record it and ignore/block. If father throws abuse, record it. Truth is, your child is not a secret and shouldn't be made into one either. The fathers feelings does not matter, doing the right thing is often scary and uncomfortable when negative response is expected. The sooner, the better 💐

Original poster

laurajayne3 · 22/10/2017 00:57

C0untDucku1a - that's made me feel a bit better. To me and my cousin and mum I've spoken to, we all agree they should know and have the option, regardless if the dad doesn't want to know. I'm very family orientated and family's number 1 on my list of priorities. Even family I don't see much of i would Do anything for. So to me it's very simple (even though I'm overthinking it!). So I would like to give my son the option of much family as possible. I'm just very taken a back by how many ppl have said I have no right or causing drama etc. But everyone has different opinions and the reason why I came on here. To hear different views x

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5