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Original poster

DNA Result. Should i tell the parental family

113 replies

laurajayne3 · 20/10/2017 23:51

Long story short I had a 3some with someone I was seein for a few years and his friend. There's a lot behind that story but I won't go into it. Anyway I prayed he was going to be the guys I was seein. 18 months later a dna has shown he's not. Apparently he's told his friend and he said he wants nothing to do with him. I would prefer to have the conversation with him directly and not through my ex as he is a compulsive liar. But that said I can imagine his friend would say that. My question is should I tell his family? I don't have any phone numbers for him, but I do know his sister's name on Facebook. He won't want me to tell them. And I don't want to stir any unnessary drama or feel like I'm begging something when he's said he wants nothing to do with the baby. Would I look stupid and desperate to do this? I don't feel like i have any right as I don't know them. And we were never ever together. I was with his friend. And I'm pretty sure he's on And off with his other kids mum. And it's his family not mine. I don't want to look like some desperate stalker. But I would like my son to have as much family as possible. If they wanted to obviously. Do you think his family would want to know as they would be his grandparents and aunty. Or am I just best leaving it? Thanks

OP posts:
Kahlua4me · 23/10/2017 02:04

I think you have handled it well and in the right order. You have given the dad the choice of seeing his son. It is not your fault he has rejected that chance.
Messaging his sister is certainly a good decision as they may not know anything about your son but would be happy to meet if they knew.
As you have said, if they all refuse at least you have tried...

Then you can move on with whatever decision they make knowing that you gave them a chance.

Starlight2345 · 23/10/2017 02:49

I haven’t read all the responses here but a be careful what you wish for here is my advise . Trying to locate dad is one thing but you don’t know him never mind his family . You could be opening up a can of worms

Ineedfun · 23/10/2017 03:43

I would agree with a Starlight.

This guy had sex with you under coercion. You really know nothing about him or his family. Their son is hardly showing his myself to be a great role model so far.

Equally, you could be opening your DS up to a whole bunch of ongoing crap. Not to mention now that you are spreading the news, your DS's dad may decide he wants access, overnight stays, may be even 50/50 custody. You don't know this guy from Adam but would have to hand your son over to time. Be very careful.

Dexywexy · 23/10/2017 07:07

Laurajayne, I am not sure yet what my son's father's family think. It has been done through Lawyers. Now wouldn't be the right time for us to meet them. You are right to want to do it when your son is young but as others have said, be careful of bringing a lot of difficult situations into your son's life of the father is going to be difficult with you

Kahlua4me · 23/10/2017 07:10

That's a good point that I hadn't thought of, you don't know them at all and they could end up with being allowed unsupervised contact.

Do be careful.

GreenTulips · 23/10/2017 08:07

I doubt 'dad' is on the birth certificate? So no parental responsibility

Starlight2345 · 23/10/2017 08:51

Pr is easily added in court .. I wouldn’t go near any of them personally . Like others have said you could legally have to hand your sc over to someone you don’t know

TwattyCatty · 23/10/2017 11:22

you actually sent some a message to tell them their brother has a child, out of the blue, in practically unreadable textspeak? You could at least have used actual words.

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 23/10/2017 11:44

Hardly unreadable. An incorrect "no/ know", a m8, a few ur and a pls. I can only imagine the m8 taking some working out at most

TwattyCatty · 23/10/2017 11:46

Not actually the point Hmm

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 23/10/2017 11:47

So 6 out of less than 100 words are not "proper" words. Really no need to be so nasty

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 23/10/2017 11:49

Then what is the point? She's asking about telling his family. The Dad has outright ignored her. And you think they should judge her on using a few commonly used abbreviations?

Allthebestnamesareused · 23/10/2017 11:49

As the mum of 3 boys I would want to know if I had a grandchild even if my son didn't want anything to do with the child (but I hope I have raised them to be better than that).

I especially would want to know in the situation where you as the Mum would be willing and actively seek to ensure that was a grandparental role for me.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/10/2017 11:52

Have you had a any response, OP?

TwattyCatty · 23/10/2017 11:54

nd you think they should judge her on using a few commonly used abbreviations

No, I'm despairing that anyone thinks it vaguely appropriate to impart such news in a text, and not even bother to use actual words! I mean, come on, have we sunk that low?

TwattyCatty · 23/10/2017 11:55

Also it's a good way not to be taken seriously. Can you imagine getting that text?

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 23/10/2017 11:59

I'd be calling my brother asking if its true not assuming it can't be because she used commonly used abbreviations

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 23/10/2017 12:00

And I'd be far more horrified that my brother would keep his from me / ignore his child if it were true than worry about the language in which the message was conveyed

TwattyCatty · 23/10/2017 12:07

Way to miss the point. What it shows is that OP isn't taking this seriously at all. If I got that text I would think it must be a kid playing a joke, because surely nobody would treat such an important thing so damn casually.

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 23/10/2017 12:22

Well you can excuse all the feckless fathering you want then can't you if the were other doesn't write it how you want. That's your perogative. Hopefully the sister/aunt isn't as judgmental and narrow minded as you.

I'm not arguing back and forth when your only contribution to the discussion is to bemoan the wording

TwattyCatty · 23/10/2017 12:28

Again, you've entirely missed the point. No point explaining it to someone who doesn't see it anyway, you won't understand basic standards of behaviour

Dexywexy · 23/10/2017 15:16

Have you had a reply yet OP or is it too soon? I think you were brave to send the message. You are doing what you believe to be the best thing for your child.

MyBabyIsAWerewolfAhwooooo · 23/10/2017 15:21

Yes clearly you can deduce from my thinking that the message is more important than how it is put across that I have no decent standard of behaviour. WELL DONE YOU.

Laura back to he important bit. Has she replied? Remember that whatever happens you are enough for your son

Original poster
laurajayne3 · 23/10/2017 17:49

Yes she has messaged back now. She said it's a shock but of course they would want to see him. I said it's a bit awkward etc messaging out the blue and the fact he doesn't want to know. She said she's glad I told her as her brother probably never would have. And she's going to speak to her mum when she's gets home and hopefully sort something and asked for a couple pics. I'm obviously wary. They could speak to him in the meantime and he tells them to not see the baby and they do what he says. But for her sayin he probably would never have told them I gather that to mean she knows what he's like and knows he the type of person to ignore his child. But we'll see. Thank you everyone. It means alot. I appreciate it loads xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
laurajayne3 · 23/10/2017 17:57

TwattyCatty - I usually would use proper correct words if I waa in work. I think because it was social media I automatically used text slang. It was the furthest from my mind. But I would hardly say unreadable. If it was someone from an older generation maybe I would have thought about it more. But his sister is young and would text like that herself, as every person I know uses text slang. I think considering the situation it's the most least important thing and I'm pretty convinced not even a thought in her head. But to say I would treat something so important so casually? I've been brought 2 years of councilling and therapy by what mainly was what my ex did that night. So to say I would treat this situation so casually over a few texting slang words is horrible

OP posts: