Pregnant SIL is leaving BIL

[popalittlepancakeintothepan]

Hi,

I'm really concerned for my BIL. My SIL is 7 months pregnant and has decided to leave my BIL. Just wondering if he's likely to be granted 50/50 custody when baby arrives?

For those asking, I don't know if he's going to be there for the birth. He doesn't know anymore. I'd understand if she didn't want her ex seeing her bits, even if it is sad for BIL not to be there.

Its very hard on bil and the whole family i would imagine.
I think bil needs to keep comms open and be flexible. As pp have said it is of course all to easy for access to be made difficult.

As a parent you should know all kids are different with different needs

He needs to go back and work full time - he will have 2 households to suppprt -

He will have to arrange childcare on 'his' days when the baby is older - like people said - baby is unlikely to sleepover until at least 2/3 years of age

Mum will have to arrange childcare on 'her' days

He's over thinking this by miles - and appears to be inflexible

Being flexible is a must for any parent

He's not being inflexible at all. And he's right to be considering the future because SIL is also doing the same and wants to discuss it soon.

He still lives with his parents?? He can afford a place of his own but chooses to remain there??

I suggest he moves out. Gets his own place...unless I'm missing something.

His parents took early retirement to provide childcare?

Was this discussed with baby's mum or was she told? You talk a lot about BIL.

Also, he doesn't 'need' to go back to work full time. SIL has expressly said she absolutely will not consider doing anything other than full time because she loves working and doesn't want to stay at home. He can afford to work p/t and he wants to so that when the child is ready, he can spend his time being a (mostly) stay at home parent. His parents are just available for when he is working or SIL is working. SIL parents have said they will not help.

Tomato, no read the thread. He moved in for 2 weeks.

This was mostly SIL idea. No in laws didn't retire to provide childcare. They are retired anyway, have been for 4 years. BIL and SIL were saving for a mortgage so are temporarily living with her parents. They have a deposit and are/we're getting the mortgage sorted in the next fortnight. So BIL has moved into in laws for a couple of weeks to give SIL the space she wanted and SIL is still at her parents. Her parents have said they will not have the baby living there. BIL wants to get back together, SIL said she has suddenly stopped loving him. He is waiting to see if she changes her mind, if not, they will split the mortgage deposit and he will rent a flat or try and get a mortgage on his own. Not sure what she will do with the money, she did mention that she knew she could get help from the state, but I'm assuming that might not be possible if she is adamant she won't give up work. I don't know much about benefits.

Sorry to hear about this..

I think a lot of this depends on when the baby is born. Before my DS was born, I told everyone at work I will be back within 6 months. I also love work! Once he was born though, everything changed.. I am now taking 14 months off work and won't be going back FT.

Your SIL won't know if she will remain the same after her baby is born, so I think your BIL should try to be supportive for her and keep communication open.

Also, some pp have mentioned she may have prenatal depression, I think this should be investigated. Would your BIL be able to talk to her about it? Or maybe even flag to the midwives?

He still lives with his parents??

Errr maybe RTFT.

I genuinely think you need to take a step back Getting involved isn't going to work well. She's asked for some space and he's giving that to her.

The baby isn't here. I had my child and went back to work early. I missed adult conversation. It didn't make me a bad mum, it made me a woman who couldn't be at home full time.

BIL needs to be writing this post and not you. If MIL has worked out that this is about her family then there is nothing to say that SIL won't see this and flip.

I think you are doing yourself an injustice here and personally I would take down this thread.

Let BIL work things out. Let SIL have some space...

What if your SIL reads this thread??

I think she needs a SHL to protect her UNBORN childs interests against a family intent on taking them away.

Is there any hope that they might be able to save their relationship, is your SIL depressed ? feelings and hormones can be all over the place in pregnancy. We've done the marriage course a couple of times and found it really helpful.

I assumed that you might not be because you'd know how hard it might be to predict how things might be in the early days. I had PND and ex thought he was doing me a favour if he went out with the baby so I could sleep but I'd lie in bed and cry or try to do some housework badly.

If I split with the father of my first baby in theory I'd want them to see baby lots in the early days and have the odd overnight but in reality I couldn't do that until the baby was older. (If things were amicable then I'd want dad at my house frequently.)

I think it's impossible to plan further than the birth and Paternity Leave. Once baby is here and things are more settled, it will be easier to plan further - mum's return to work etc The dad needs to realise that babies are tiny but they create huge changes so understand that any plans laid now can change.

BIL is living with parents because she wants space from him.

I genuinely think you need to take a step back Getting involved isn't going to work well. She's asked for some space and he's giving that to her

Right so BIL isn't allowed to talk to his family about it then.

Giving her space doesn't mean he can't talk about it with his family.

You think she isn't discussing it with hers?

BIL needs to be writing this post and not you

Looking forward to you writing that on the numerous threads people post about friends and family.

Mass

No one is talking about taking the child away.

Give me a break. This is comical now.

I'd be full of support if you'd come here asking "how can my bil best support sil and new baby now they're separated" (or some such) but no... You have actually come on here for information on how best to legally enforce access or residency of an unborn baby! the unfortunate sil will have maternity leave after the birth, and by the way courts usually insist on mediation between parents in cases of access to children, before they'll even consider making c.a.o.

BIL is not on any forums and is ASKING for my advice. I don't have a lot to say so I'm getting a bit of knowledge. He wants to talk to me. Should I ignore him?

Sorry bro, not my problem. None of my business.

Really??

No. so let's forget the backing off idea, stop repeating the same thing again and again. BIL wants me there. I'm not over involved, just offering support and not falling back on experiences from 1992. Trying to point out to him that things may have changed a little for dad's and getting practical ideas for supporting the mum and how to move forward. If you have nothing constructive to say, please go on another thread.

Right so BIL isn't allowed to talk to his family about it then.

He is allowed to talk to his family about it, I didn't suggest otherwise.

Giving her space doesn't mean he can't talk about it with his family.

No. Nor did I state that....

You think she isn't discussing it with hers?

She will be. However she hasn't posted here....

Looking forward to you writing that on the numerous threads people post about friends and family.

. Except this is a post about an unborn child from an in law .... it isn't his/her thing to worry about. BIL is perfectly capable of dealing with this...he only asked for OP opinion given that OP came from a divorced family background ....

If SIL uses Mumsnet and reads a thread about her. It's likely to alienate BIL further... what would you think if your in laws posted about you, about your life and how to sort out custody of your unborn child.

I know I'd be pissed.

This isn't point scoring either. My opinion differs from you and I'm not sure why you're getting het up about it.

Sisters.

He is supporting SIL. I've been through pregnancy so know how to advise him of this. I don't need to ask what I already know. But he's asking about custody because SIL wants to discuss it soon.

Damnit. Bold fail!

Anyhoooo I'm off to get on with my afternoon.

My opinion differs from you and I'm not sure why you're getting het up about it.

Not 'het up' about anything.

HTH.

I'm going to leave it there with MN. This isn't a nice place. I'll try and get everything removed when I work out how to contact HQ from this app. Thanks for the advice, but for those that are hostile, and I don't just mean on this thread, I see it all over MN, please try to be reasonable in future. I don't understand why it's part of people's nature to be hostile, it certainly isn't part of mine. We're all humans and we all have our struggles. Your words can harm. Let's just all try to spread a little kindness, eh? I'm going to enjoy my children and stay off of here in future. Ta ta

Your original post was about the father's rights rather than what is best for an infant. That is why people were critical of you. Your responses haven't exactly been polite either, especially when the information in your first few posts doesn't accurately present the situation. It did sound as though BIL was living with his parents separately from SIL. That will colour how people respond to the situation.

As for proper advice:

1. Small but frequent contact is best for infants (think an hour every other day). If she's in her own flat, some basic housework such as dishes would be helpful.

2. Start maintenance immediately - above the basic recommendation of CSA which is ridiculously low considering the costs of raising a child.

3. Do not ask to be present at the birth. If she wants him there, she will ask. Research is very clear that stress leads to poor outcomes for the mother. Him asking will be viewed as unnecessary pressure.

4. it is up to her who visits in the hospital and when she's first at home. Showing up en masse with his parents and siblings will be stressful for her.

5. He needs to talk to her. No one else.