Pregnant SIL is leaving BIL

[popalittlepancakeintothepan]

Hi,

I'm really concerned for my BIL. My SIL is 7 months pregnant and has decided to leave my BIL. Just wondering if he's likely to be granted 50/50 custody when baby arrives?

Are they married? If they aren't then if she registers the birth without him then he has no legal standing at all and will need to apply through Court to get his name put on the certificate. If they are married then that's not an issue.

Either way he should not be putting any pressure on her at all right now. He should be offering support in any way possible, not just financially but practically such as offering to collect shopping or giving her lifts to appointments if needed. If he keeps things amicable and he continues to be supportive and friendly with NO PRESSURE then he is much more likely to maintain a friendly relationship with her and ensure he has access to the see the baby when it's born at her home.

The alternative is to hound her completely about seeing the baby/having 50/50 residency and she is likely to just stop all contact, block him out and if he keeps up the hassle, end up with a non molestation order keeping him away from her.

You would do best to suggest he does the former and then if things don't work out well he could speak to a solicitor.

By your own account, the only thing she's done "wrong" is fall out of love and leave him.

HES MOVED INTO HIS PARENTS FOR TWO WEEKS TO GIVE HER SPACE!!!!

But this was not clear at all from any of your previous posts.

Mumsnet

Full of assumptions and accusations. This is not a nice place. Just wanted advice, not nasty comments and accusations.

I thought real life courtesies applied here to. Kindness for example. You don't have to agree with other people, you can disagree with anyone you want, you can absolutely disagree with me, but you don't have to take your own anger or sadness out on other people.

Please comment like I (and BIL) are actual people. Not something you've scraped off your shoe.

My poor MIL has just read all this. Didn't realise she was even on here.

How is he leaving all the decision making to his SIL? Maybe he's just asking his SIL for advice, like you do in families.

She hasn't done anything wrong, I've not said she has terf. She doesn't have to love him.

It is possible she is depressed, struggling and the separation won't be permanent. It is also possible that there was more going on behind closed doors than you know about, and their relationship wasn't that great.

Whatever the truth is, a sure fire way to destroy any chance either of reconciliation or an amicable co-parenting relationship in the future is for him to start taking about his 'rights', 50-50, court etc. The wider family shouldn't be visibly taking sides either, and should remain supportive to SIL, at least if they hope to see the baby in the early days as Mother and baby come as a pair at that stage.

There's no point getting snarky as people will just hide the thread then you won't get any advice.

People are just trying to understand the situation based upon what you have said.

I don't have any anger or sadness thank you for asking.

I'm just trying to follow your (completely unexplained) messianic zeal for him taking the baby.

I am sorry if i made judgements.

Why are you shouting? You never said that he moved out temporarily, you made it sound like he has always lived with his parents and they are going to be on hand to provide free childcare all of the time.

Have your BIL and SIL spoken about the arrangements since they separated?

Serf
Show me where I said he should have full custody. I said he'd LIKE 50/50.

You're 'concerned', but actually the situation you describe is BIL's business and right now he should be talking to SIL about future arrangements. I don't think interference from his family will be constructive, because what is right in this situation will be guided by support agencies and the law. You can still support BIL in other ways by encouraging him to get advice and information from those kind of appropriate sources.

Your OP probably got posters annoyed because MN is pretty child centred and your posts weren't child centred at all, and seemed more concerned with BIL's 'rights' than what is best for a baby.

Serf

Am I talking a foreign language, he's never even considered taking the baby.

Read properly please. You're making things up.

She's asked for 2 weeks before they meet/call/text. He's giving her that space. He's asking for my input. I can't ignore him. I'm not interfering. He has no one else to talk to and I just wanted some knowledge. I'm not asking for much. Just a bit of knowledge. Not becoming a lawyer, not taking anything to court, just wanted a BIT of knowledge.

Wow there are some bitter people on here! Why does the dad have to have a hidden agenda to want joint custody of his own child?! He is obviously considering that it might need to go to court as a lot of women somehow think they have automatic rights to the child just because they are their mother. It takes 2 to make a baby. She is the one that's leaving, and he's still getting slated 😂
My mum and dad split up when i was a kid, and i saw my dad on a sunday when he could be bothered, and never paid anything to my mum. I would've loved to have known he cared enough to even think about joint custody!
As long as they live near each other it could work.
I would advise him to try and stay on good terms with her and sort it out between themselves. Maybe get something in writing with a solicitor.
He has just as much right to be in his child's life as she does! And if she is awkward take her to court!

Serf
Show me where I said he should have full custody. I said he'd LIKE 50/50.

Yes you did.

But then the moment someone said that 50/50 can be unsettling for children, your IMMEDIATE response was;

Are you saying he should go for full custody reboot? He'd obviously love that, but wanted to be fair to the mum.

Which was odd to say the least. Particularly as the baby hasn't been born yet.

Bloody hell - poor woman hasn't had the baby yet and it's already turned to discussions of 50/50 shared care - which then morphed onto full custody...

I hope this pregnant lady has her own RL support?

I wouldn't of imagined she suddenly woke up one morning and decided the love was gone either?

He may like 50/50 but that may not (and from personal experience shouldn't) be an option until the child is at least 3. Whatever your BIL does he needs to make sure he's prioritising the child's happiness and not his own. Parent's don't have formal rights over their children, they have responsibilities - something that's often misunderstood or forgotten.

www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/shared-custody-a-mistake-for-the-under2s-say-guidelines-20111214-1ouy6.html
childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/parental-responsibility/

Has it not occurred to you that, in a split without major misconduct on either side, welcoming the baby, building an amicable co-parenting relationship and NEGOTIATING stage by stage, feeling their way, would be best all round but especially for the baby?

Hi OP

You will struggle to get balanced advice on here. It seems in these situations that the majority if posters automatically assume the man is in the wrong and an immature, irresponsible monster. Basically the general consensus seems to be - if a woman leaves its the mans fault and if a man leaves its the mans fault.
My husband has been, and still is amazing since the birth of our daughter.

Regarding your query, sorry but I don't really know how this would pan out. All I can say is both sides need to keep the baby at the heart of any actions. I would lay off talking about court etc until the dust settles and proper communication is in place.

Hope everything works out for all concerned

X

No ENID, some people are being very nasty and making things up, so I'm refuting it.

Can we please just give constructive advice? I don't understand why I'm being personally attacked and there's some very unfair things being said about BIL.

Everything's amicable. She wants to be friends, so is obviously happy with how he's being. She's quiet, but isn't being anything other than amicable too. Looks like it could all go smoothly between them, but I guess you never know when it comes to a split and children. He's prepared for the birth and being a parent, but wasn't prepared for being a single parent so he's taking a bit of time to get his head round it so that he's not an emotional mess when custody talks eventually come up in the future. I think he chooses to talk to me because I can keep my distance from it and not get emotional whereas his parents cry.

Very sad, but obviously how things are meant to be.

I don't think you're going to get any answers because there just aren't the answers available. So much depends on how well the child can adapt to contact or even 50/50, to how much involvement the mother wants or will allow. All that I can say is there is a beautiful and innocent baby about to be born. It would be good if the aggression could be played out away from the child and not shown between bil and sil wherever possible.

Cross post. That sounds positive. It's a very sad situation.

Thank you Elmo. Lovely to hear your views.