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Original poster

Pregnant SIL is leaving BIL

132 replies

popalittlepancakeintothepan · 09/08/2017 08:42

Hi,

I'm really concerned for my BIL. My SIL is 7 months pregnant and has decided to leave my BIL. Just wondering if he's likely to be granted 50/50 custody when baby arrives?

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 09/08/2017 08:44

He can't have 50/50 custody of a newborn. Especially if sil breastfeeds.

PurpleDaisies · 09/08/2017 08:45

Without knowing the details of their situation, I don't think that's a question anyone can answer.

Original poster
popalittlepancakeintothepan · 09/08/2017 08:51

Obviously not a newborn! I mean long term.

What do you need to know? They are married, no problems, she just 'doesn't think she feels the love anymore' and wants to be friends.

OP posts:
Patchouli666 · 09/08/2017 08:52

Has she spoken to the GP? There is such a thing as pre natal depression.

Original poster
popalittlepancakeintothepan · 09/08/2017 08:56

They don't argue. No fighting. No financial commitments between them.

He has a good job, no debt, no dealings with the law. He's living with his parents but is in a position to get his own place. He has free childcare from retired (but not elderly parents- they took early retirement). He's very financially secure, good person with no problems, no health issues, etc.

I'm just trying to work out if courts are generally pro 50/50 and don't discriminate against dad's.

I don't know if she'll breastfeed. She said she'll try but isn't bothered if it doesn't work. Let's say she doesn't BF, is he eventually likely to get 50/50?

OP posts:
Batoutahell · 09/08/2017 08:57

He will have a big fight to get 50/50 unless she is willing. Its basically in her hands no matter what people say about fairness and the courts. She will be able to block him in many ways. I don't know the people involved but there are not many mums who are willing to hand over their kids 50/50 no matter what their good intentions are initially or how much they think they want the father involved. It takes two very good and reasonable people to work out a fair and good arrangement. It only takes one bad argument or disagreement on how to parent/finances/new partners/etc. to cause a major issue. I dont like his chances if Im honest.

Original poster
popalittlepancakeintothepan · 09/08/2017 08:59

Really? That seems unfair. He's as much a parent as she is.

OP posts:
Original poster
popalittlepancakeintothepan · 09/08/2017 09:02

I can understand that a newborn needs its mum more than dad, and I can understand that BF plays a part in access, but surely if there's no BF and they're past the newborn stage, it should be equal access? Very sad. I guess he'll just have to be the best dad he can and hope that the child eventually has its say.

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 09/08/2017 09:09

Why is he focused on 50/50? Will it be the best thing for the child or is it money motivated on your BILs part so that he wont have to pay child maintance.

Also how does he see 50/50 care working practically. Will it be one week with the child one week without or will it be a split week. So one week he has his child 3/7 days and then the next week he has the child 4/7 days.

Original poster
popalittlepancakeintothepan · 09/08/2017 09:13

It's not financial reasons. It's because he loves this baby and wants to be a good dad.
It clearly is best for the child this way. How is seeing one parent for a day or two better than 50/50?

OP posts:
Original poster
popalittlepancakeintothepan · 09/08/2017 09:15

I think he'll still pay maintenance even with 50/50, because he wants the baby well looked after.

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 09/08/2017 09:16

Some children do not like 50/50 care. They get tired, confused, fed up and not having one base. Moving from one house to the other half way through the week can be tiring and frustrating for some children. They miss their rooms, toys, surroundings etc.

Original poster
popalittlepancakeintothepan · 09/08/2017 09:18

Are you saying he should go for full custody reboot? He'd obviously love that, but wanted to be fair to the mum.

OP posts:
RebootYourEngine · 09/08/2017 09:22

How did you get that from my post? I am saying that he needs to do what is best for the child.

Why is he thinking about this when the child isnt even born yet. He should be focusing on preparing for the birth and the first few months. He is getting ahead of himself. Is it him who is pushing this 50/50?

Batoutahell · 09/08/2017 09:22

Welcome to their new reality OP. My DH is a family lawyer and always says 'nobody wins' in a break up with children, especially the fathers (good fathers or otherwise). Keep in mind though, he doesn't see the families who make their own arrangements and stay out of court.

Hopefully the mum and him can be really fair to each other but emotions are very serious and you can never imagine how usually perfectly reasonable people turn sour when children are involved.

MsGameandWatching · 09/08/2017 09:23

This thread has a weirdly aggressive and agenda pushing tone to it. I suspect that's on purpose.

Original poster
popalittlepancakeintothepan · 09/08/2017 09:27

There is no agenda. What is it with MNers always accusing people??!

I'm trying to work out what is likely to happen. THATS ALL!!!!

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 09/08/2017 09:27

He needs to remember that even though she isn't with him , she is about to give birth to their child, at a guess hasn't done this before and needs support for this, not a legal agreement to sign as she goes into labour which is a little bit your tone. I'm sure it's very hurtful, but she is still the one who needs to stay healthy and push out this baby, and then recover from that.

Batteriesallgone · 09/08/2017 09:28

Why is he immediately thinking of taking her to court?

Original poster
popalittlepancakeintothepan · 09/08/2017 09:28

I think it's oerfectly reasonable to be thinking of the fiture. He is preparing for the birth, but he's being sensible and considering what is best for the child's future too.

OP posts:
Original poster
popalittlepancakeintothepan · 09/08/2017 09:30

He's not talking about courts yet. We're chatting amongst ourselves and I'm finding out info so that I can offer support and advice.

Newsflash Mumsnet: not everyone has hidden agendas. Not everyone is fake.

OP posts:
Original poster
popalittlepancakeintothepan · 09/08/2017 09:31

He's not doing anything legal. He's getting mentally prepared.

Lots of assumptions here.

OP posts:
FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 09/08/2017 09:32

Ideally they will keep communication open and come to an agreement between them based on the child in front of them. The more amicable they are, the more they will be able to coparent effectively. That's the ideal solution. Pushing for 50-50 based on a child that hasn't been born yet will guarantee bad-feeling all round.

The child has rights, no one else does. I don't quite understand why you're getting so involved in all of this, but the advice I would be giving my BIL is to be as supportive as he can be of his ex and to keep communication flowing.

Coparenting is the aim, not who has which days when. That will come later. Flexibility and compromise will lead to a better result for the child.

AlternativeTentacle · 09/08/2017 09:33

I'm just trying to work out if courts are generally pro 50/50 and don't discriminate against dad's.

Really? Sounds like an agenda to me. Why bring up courts if nobody is thinking about court? The baby isn't even born yet.

MsGameandWatching · 09/08/2017 09:33

There is no agenda. What is it with MNers always accusing people??!

I'm trying to work out what is likely to happen. THATS ALL!!!!

No you don't sound aggressive and over invested at all.

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