Pregnant SIL is leaving BIL

[popalittlepancakeintothepan]

Hi,

I'm really concerned for my BIL. My SIL is 7 months pregnant and has decided to leave my BIL. Just wondering if he's likely to be granted 50/50 custody when baby arrives?

Are you saying he should go for full custody reboot? He'd obviously love that, but wanted to be fair to the mum.

How nice of him. I can't see why she left.

I don't think OP has an agenda, I think she is simply new to this issue.

OP, I would take a look on the lone parents thread and the relationships thread and the divorce/separation thread and have a good read for the information you are really looking for.

Your BIL will possibly have a lot to go through emotionally over the next few years and usually family are the worst advisors. The best you can do for him is be supportive and do not feed into the emotions on either side making things worse if things do go bad.

Assuming she has maternity leave, I can't see how it would be in any way beneficial to have 50/50 at an early stage if that means his parents have the baby on his time while he's at work.

I don't think OP has an agenda, I think she is simply new to this issue.

I agree.

At what point/age of child do you think he should get 50/50 care OP? He hasnt even got his own place or does he expect his parents to look after the child while he plays disney dad.

My parents divorced in 1992, so I'm assuming things have changed since then. Just trying to get an understanding of how modern custody works.

SIL is going back to work after a few months (she loves her job). BIL was going to work 2 days a week, so he was going to be the primary care giver and his parents were going to do childcare any days they were both at work. Not sure if SIL is going to let him be the primary care giver now so he's got to go back to his employer and let them know his contract won't be changing in that way. So yes, it actually is essential that he thinks about custody now, or he'll lose work.

Maybe back off a bit from other people's family law tangles OP?

You sound completely over-invested.

He's giving it a couple of weeks to see if she changes her mind, but if not, he's getting his own place straight away. Baby is due in October, so he's got time to rent a house. He has the money.

Actually, there are agendas and aggression here, but it's not coming from me. Why the accusation of Disney dad? I suspect certain posters have issues with their exes and are assuming that it's the same situation here. Very rude and childish.

Is she letting him be at the birth?

At what point/age of child do you think he should get 50/50 care OP? He hasnt even got his own place or does he expect his parents to look after the child while he plays disney dad.

Wow

Some people like to paint DFs in bad lights no matter what.

Did they live together before they split? You say he lives with his parents but also that she is leaving. Did she live there too?

Jesus, he's asking me because my parents divorced. I don't know a lot so I'm getting a bit of knowledge from here. Not over invested at all. Wow, what a world we live in, where you can't chat about these things to your BIL. I suggest you back off from this thread if you are going to insist on being aggressive. Starting to think MN isn't for normal kind people, which is sad. Does anyone have constructive advice without feeling the need to push their own agenda here? Not looking to debate the mum vs dad issue. Just want to be clearer about likelihoods and peoples experience so I don't have to sit there and not support my BIL, husband and in laws when they're upset.

MrsGsme

Glad we're in agreement that I'm not over invested or aggresdive. Thanks!!! You're right. Ha ha.

Has he asked for you to manage his legal strategy?

Personally I wouldn't give care and control of a hamster to any adult who a) Can't manage their personal and legal affairs themself and b) Won't move out of Mummy and Daddy's house for a marriage but will for a custody battle. That's not a responsible grown up.

Wait and see what happens and dont shit stir (eg by encouraging feelings of 'unfair'), instead encourage your bil to always think of things from the pov of what is best for the child. He could start by reading up about child development stages for example, assuming this is his first. I would not rely on sil going back to work early on, it sounds like a lot of things have already changed, that might be another change. (It is also worth reading up on pregnancy depression if sil is acting unusually)

Personally I wouldn't give care and control of a hamster to any adult who a) Can't manage their personal and legal affairs themself

Words fail me.

No and I'm not trying to manage his legal strategy.

Going to say this one more time because people are obviously missing this vital point:

I'm just trying to get a little understanding.

No, let me repeat that again:

IM JUST TRYING TO GET A LITTLE UNDERSTANDING.

Not trying to be a lawyer. Just don't want to sit there and have nothing to say when he's upset.

He had been preparing for the birth. He was going to be the primary care giver so he's done his research, all the classes etc. But he's been forced into having to consider these things too.

From a practical sense 50/50 isn't usually best for the children and that is what is at the heart of the matter.

In theory it means two homes and equal time with parents, but in reality it means never being settled in one place long enough. Moving around a lot is exhausting and things like extra curricular activities become immediately more difficult.

It isn't about him, no matter how much of a good dad you think he is. It isn't about the mum either, it's about the child and what's best for them. Trying to decide it now is all very well and good but they need to wait and see what works when the baby arrives because there are far too many unforseeable factors to consider.

HES MOVED INTO HIS PARENTS FOR TWO WEEKS TO GIVE HER SPACE!!!!

Is he still going to be at the birth?

Sorry, didn't mean to use caps, but it is exasperating when people make assumptions.

Why piglet?

Either OP is being a terrible busybody in trying to strategise the whole thing OR this chap really is such a wet lettuce that he's handed decision-making to his SIL.

It won't impress a judge if he's passive and relying on "free childcare from retired parents" to make a case.

I'd tell to back off from her, and let her have some space. Although this is devastating for him, she's also pregnant and flooded with hormones that could be making her feel very off kilter. I think that once the baby is born, and he supports her as much as she allows, then a time for talking will come. As another PP said, she could be depressed, hormone imbalance, all sorts of reasons why she's acting like this. I'd trust her judgement a lot more in a few months time.

OP

You perhaps shouldn't be posting this on a public forum. It's very identifying.

This is not the place to air other people's family court business, particularly as the mother may come across it, and most likely won't be happy that her child's welfare is being discussed in public.

but it is exasperating when people make assumptions.

Like the assumption that if 50/50 residence is unsuitable, HE should get primary residence?