Ex has booked a family holiday...

[Bythebeach]

...and excluded my DS1. It's even worse as the timing falls over when DS makes one of his regular trips to see them - he has always seen them the week over NY. Not this year as they are going on holiday without him.
They (ex, wife, their two kids) are going ski-ing. DS1 loves ski-ing a lot. We could not afford to go last year. Ex knows this. Luckily we may be able to go this year - but that is not the point...the point is they keep banging on about him being part of their family but their actions exclude him. Ex did not even have the balls to tell him as when I asked him what he said when they told him, he said they didn't but 'littlest sibling' told him.
It messes with his head. He said his dad was lovely driving him home and he clearly feels warmth and love. But he cannot ask a simple question or challenge anything. I can't imagine the amount he would kick off if we ever went on holiday without him (not that we would!).
He's just back from his half-term trip - the air-bed he had in the room of his 6.5+yrs younger was upgraded to a sofa bed in the lounge, which he found more comfortable but still no space of his own. There is another bedroom - but it is sacred as it is a 'study'!!

Why, why, why is there so little effort from them to make him welcome? Do they not read any of the basic tips on making a non-resident child feel at home? And yet so much anger from them when he doesn't want to come and an unsaid constant implication that it is me that influences him not to!

And laidback, your one to one time perspective is interesting. It is the one thing my son craves. I don't know if he would feel differently if we lived closer together and he had more time with his dad and dad's family. My husband also had separated parents and no one to one time but it is one thing he remembers wanting and his relationship now with his dad is largely one of pity - he feels his dad regrets not prioritising him and his siblings more with his second wife and so maintains a relationship with his dad out of not wanting his dad to be hurt and rejected. I see some of this playing out again with my DS1 - he is unable to tell him what he really feels because he is worried about hurting his dad yet his dad doesn't seem to extend any such consideration to him.

bythebeach 💐. 🍫For DS

It is not on. Not for a minute.

What an utter shit he is. If he can't afford to take his eldest son on a FAMILY holiday, then they wait until next year when he can. End of. It doesn't matter if he's going with you or not. He is, or should be, as much of a part of his Dad's family as is possible. He can't live with you both 24/7, so he's always going to miss out on day to day stuff, sadly, but to be excluded from a FAMILY holiday is just horrible. He deserves that TIME with his Dad even more than the younger ones who get to see his Dad everyday. It doesn't matter if it's skiing or camping in the local farmers paddock. It's about TIME, FAMILY, INCLUSION and anyone that doesn't understand that needs to give their heads a fucking good wobble. It's irrelevant how many holidays a child goes on with their other parent, its NOT about the 'holiday'. FGS - that shouldn't need spelling out to people.

Of course if you have step children or children who are resident but spend time with non resident parents it's not always possible to include them in every single thing that goes on, but with days out any half decent parent arranges as much as possible to happen when all the kids are there and DEFINITELY holidays.

Kids who aren't resident 24/7 who have siblings who are resident 24/7 are always missing out - missing out on day to day living with both their parents, nothing makes up for that and nothing makes it a better option. Certainly not the well trotted out 'two birthdays, two Christmases, two homes'. Do people seriously think the children think this makes up for not living with both their parents?

bythebeach ...and not even being told by his Dad 😤 To hear from one of the siblings that he was excluded from the holiday, but that he'd not even been told he wasn't going on holiday with them and that somethings he's done for 10 years wouldn't be happening either.

Honestly, there's a lovely space under my patio.

Thank you Annie. That made me !

This has been a facinating read. My exH and his W don't have DC together, her DS from her last marriage lives with them for 50% of the time. My 3 DSs spend EOW with them as well. So he spends considerably more time with his SS than with his own DSs. My DS1 is now a 1st year student at uni and suddenly he isn't being included in family holidays by his F. I guess exH thinks 19 is too old to be included or something?

He has been known to go on holiday with his W and his SS and has also usually had one holiday a year with all 4 boys, his SS and his own 3 DSs. This year, however, he's booked a holiday for just the 5 of them, without consulting DS1. DS1 is very hurt, as much at the lack of discussion and the fait accompli than missing out on a holiday.

I usually go away myself on a solo traveller holiday for the one week a year exH has my DSs, but I'm not leaving my DS1 at home alone. He's more than capable at looking after himself, but I don't want him feeling so left out. We're planning on going on a city break for a few days, just the 2 of us, instead. I'm also going to take DS2 and DS3 away for a week in Feb half term, when it's cheap and DS1 is at uni, so they won't be left out either. All of which after discussion and agreement with my DSs.

I don't understand exH. I know lots of kids stop going on holidays with their parents when they are young adults, but as DS1 sees even less of his F these days, due to being away at uni, I thought a week's holiday together would be even more precious. But apparently not. It's very hard not to rant about him in front of DS1 but I'm trying to resist it. DS1 still chooses to go EOW to his F's when he's home for the holidays.

It is hard not to rant! Hence venting on mumsnet! I just listened to what DS1 said after half term visit about the ski trip which was essentially that he felt left out and he asked me why he hadn't been asked and I directed him to ask his dad but I don't think he has. I used to give him false positive answers to questions when he was young (why did his dad move away - saying he had to because of his job) but he became very insistent with repeated drilling questions over the years and although I was protecting his dad to protect DS1's self-esteem, it didn't really work so now I am just understanding if he is sad and direct him to his dad.

Yes, I try hard not to criticise DS1's F too much, and try to protect them all from any hurt but DS1 is old enough to realise his F is ultimately selfish, unfortunately.

kids in different houses are going to be treated differently.

what should not happen is a child that is treated unfairly, (as in ops case)

sometimes the second family will do stuff (like peppa pig) that the oldest child has already done. other times oldest child will do stuff that littlies are too young for.

there needs to be a balance. youngest should not miss out while eldest is treated excessively. (after all it is not the children's fault that they were born into a second family) neither should the oldest child be excluded. all children need to feel included, (or at least all of them whining equally that it is not fair.... )

laidbackmummy - you are wrong and what you are doing is downright nasty and selfish.

YOur DSD does miss out, why shouldn't she experience holidays with her DF and her siblings.

Someone always feels left out - of course they bloody do. It is not life, it is you being manipulative and downright nasty. Your tone shows you are gloating and that makes your attitude worse.

My Ex did this to my two OP. Could not afford to take them on holiday because he was taking her two and her to Barbados for 2 weeks. The hurt is still there 2 yrs later. I feel for you OP.

Sorry you give good step mums a bad name.