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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Ex has booked a family holiday...

159 replies

Bythebeach · 25/10/2016 17:29

...and excluded my DS1. It's even worse as the timing falls over when DS makes one of his regular trips to see them - he has always seen them the week over NY. Not this year as they are going on holiday without him.
They (ex, wife, their two kids) are going ski-ing. DS1 loves ski-ing a lot. We could not afford to go last year. Ex knows this. Luckily we may be able to go this year - but that is not the point...the point is they keep banging on about him being part of their family but their actions exclude him. Ex did not even have the balls to tell him as when I asked him what he said when they told him, he said they didn't but 'littlest sibling' told him.
It messes with his head. He said his dad was lovely driving him home and he clearly feels warmth and love. But he cannot ask a simple question or challenge anything. I can't imagine the amount he would kick off if we ever went on holiday without him (not that we would!).
He's just back from his half-term trip - the air-bed he had in the room of his 6.5+yrs younger was upgraded to a sofa bed in the lounge, which he found more comfortable but still no space of his own. There is another bedroom - but it is sacred as it is a 'study'!!

Why, why, why is there so little effort from them to make him welcome? Do they not read any of the basic tips on making a non-resident child feel at home? And yet so much anger from them when he doesn't want to come and an unsaid constant implication that it is me that influences him not to!

OP posts:

MuppetsChristmasCarol · 18/12/2016 12:49

Laid back - you understand that your children have the privilege of seeing both of their parents at home everyday which is something your step child doesn't get, and yet you begrudge your stepchild getting a few extra trips with her mum, so you exclude her from your family trips?

You and your DH sound very unpleasant.

Everytimeref · 18/12/2016 12:52

Actually I do pay for his share.

rookiemere · 18/12/2016 12:53

Fair enough then Everytimeref.

FrankAndBeans · 18/12/2016 12:57

God your partner sounds horrendous laidback but then your morals and outlook towards his kids sounds crap too.
It's not that your kids and you are less important, but if your DP had been responsible for himself and his existing children, he wouldn't have had more kids that he couldn't bloody afford.

FrancisCrawford · 18/12/2016 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

laidbackmummy13 · 18/12/2016 13:04

Horrendous why? We simply have different ways to parent than you obviously. Don't think that makes us horrendous.
Maybe your just unable to see past your own parenting views?

rookiemere · 18/12/2016 13:12

Laidback - your situation is different from the OPs, but yet you felt the need to jump in back at the start of the thread and say that you can't afford to take your DSD out on either holidays or days out, and it was simply too hard to find something that they all enjoyed and I suspect neither you nor your DH is trying to hard to think what that might be.

Therefore yes by default your DDs do get a lot more time with their DF than DSD does.

I don't blame the StepMum in this situation. I can imagine that her POV would be that her DSD has already been skiing and might be able to afford to go with his DM in 2017 therefore her DCs deserve that opportunity as well and taking one more and probably having to get another room would make it very expensive and perhaps undoable. I'd probably feel the same if I were her. However at this point the DF should step up and do something - anything, to try and ensure that his DS doesn't feel left out. This does not necessarily mean that he comes on the holiday, but it means something more than the poor boy finding out from his stepsibling what's happening and feeling massively rejected.

FrankAndBeans · 18/12/2016 13:16

Horrendous because you're damaging a child. Poor kid gets nothing but a car ride alone with her father.

laidbackmummy13 · 18/12/2016 13:17

I was simply trying to give another reason why perhaps this has happened. However with the added info I have already stated that in the OP's situation the ex's actions are not defendable and vile. I have stated that we do not ever cancel my sd to go out without her. Her visits take priority.

Everytimeref · 18/12/2016 13:38

It would be different if the SC didn't get holidays but they do. My DH always make sure the SC get 1 - 1 time and we take them up to see their grandparents which is 6 hours away at least once a year.

cornflowerblu · 18/12/2016 13:41

I've rarely been as upset as I have been reading about Laidback's attitude to her step children. I wish step parents would understand that what goes on in the other parents house is irrelevant. When they are at your house they want to be part of YOUR family and to feel as loved and secure as their sibling do. It's not fun and it's not the best of both worlds to be going from house to house and feeling like a visitor in the the other home. It's not fun to know that your siblings are waking up every day with their mum and dad and all their things around them. To simply say that your step child gets stuff with their other parent so it's ok if you don't include them in days out and holidays is wrong. They want to be part of your family, they want to create memories with you, they don't want to be the nuisance who knows that lovely things go on without them. What goes on in their other home is utterly irrelevant, they've got the shit end of the deal anyway.

If you want afford holidays for all the children you don't go, if you can't afford days out then choose something cheaper and yes, that's life, you should think about that before you have children with someone who already has a child. And to say, that the age gap means that you can't do things for all of them, that's rubbish too, I've got big gaps and sometimes the older ones do things that are of more interest to the younger ones and vice-versa.

laidbackmummy13 · 18/12/2016 13:44

I'm sorry it has upset you, however it is what works for us and it may not work for others. Unless you were to live my life for an extended period of time it may be hard to understand.

cornflowerblu · 18/12/2016 13:50

I haven't lived your life but I've been in the position of the step child in your life and both you, and particularly your partner don't appear to have seriously considered what the impact this will have on them and I don't know how your partner can live with himself. I can kind of see where you're coming from, the step child isn't your flesh and blood so you don't really care but their father, well words fail me that he allows this

Everytimeref · 18/12/2016 13:50

Really Cornflower. My DH is only "allowed" his children a third of the time so during the other two thirds of the time he can't do anything with his SDD because is own two might feel left out!
Sorry but he is allowed a life. The SC are included when they are here and involved in family activities. He just can't afford to take them away during his time.

bloodyteenagers · 18/12/2016 13:52

Yes the age gap is a shit excuse. I have a 12 year age gap between the eldest and youngest. An 8 year gap between number 3 and 4. We still manage to do things together when they were younger and now.
They all have 1:1 time and there's no entitlement. Entitlement for what, spending time alone with a parent?

We haven't had many holidays. We have done the overseas. We have done the uk caravan. Guess which one everyone talks more about?
The caravan. It was a sun holiday thing. Didn't cost the earth even with train tickets. At no point did I think I willl leave one behind because of the age difference. No as a family we planned activities just like we do when not on holiday.

FrancisCrawford · 18/12/2016 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarjorieSimpson · 18/12/2016 14:06

Imo if a family doesn't take the dsc on holiday and this isn't at a time when they were supposed to see each other + the reason for that trip with the sac is because there isn't enough money around, then I can see the point. Esp if the other parent can actually take the disc out on holiday anyway.

However, in this case, it's not just not taking his dss on holiday with them, it's also depriving him from his time with his dad when the dss doesn't see his dad very often.
The situation is bad enough that the dss is felling left out so is starting to say he doesn't want to go there.
It's not just 'not taking him with them skiing', it's a much deeper issue. And yes it's wrong.

MarjorieSimpson · 18/12/2016 14:07

Sorry, autocorrect went mad each time I typed dsc or dss.
Hope it makes sense!!

StripeyMonkey1 · 18/12/2016 14:10

I agree with Laid-back that there is no one size fits all.

Of course what happens in the other household is relevant. How could it not be? But it's only part of the story. The important thing is for all the children to feel loved and treated fairly. That will depend both on the family set up and on each child in question.

If the DS of the OP is unhappy then of course the parents have handled the situation badly. What should have happened was for the Dad to speak to the Mum and for them to agree on what should be communicated to the DS. There is possibly unfairness both ways - either with DS going skiing with Mum and then on another lesser holiday with Dad with Dad's other siblings thereby not going skiing at all, or alternatively DS feeling excluded from a holiday with Dad because he is not welcome.

It's a communication issue here. DS absolutely needs to feel included but not necessarily to ski twice.

Follyfoot · 18/12/2016 14:17

It is really interesting re-reading this thread. Where money is tight, it is clear step-mums are concerned with ensuring their own kids have enough holidays etc and believe that it is not bad for the step kids because their other parents takes them on holidays. As the mum, my concern is not material equivalence but DS1 being left out by his dad.

I take exception to that comment. I was, and remain, concerned that ALL the children in our family are treated equally, including my step sons. In fact I was acutely aware that my DD and I were living with their Dad, and that must have been so difficult for them. Anything we did included them, and even now, if we take a short break anywhere, they are invited to come along if it fits geographically for them.

altkat · 18/12/2016 14:20

Perhaps we could look at it from another point of view - if OP was taking her two younger children on holiday and left her elder son behind I think the responses would be different. But her ex is just as much a parent to DS1 as she is, so why would it be acceptable for him to do this?

Each of them has 3 children, not 2.5. I'd be devastated if my father saw me as less of a child of his just because I had a different mother to the other children in his house.

MarjorieSimpson · 18/12/2016 14:22

monkey do you really think the issue is also with the OP not just with the dad?
I mean this is a guy who actually is NOT always paying maintenance which really is the very first starting point.
If he is happy to see his child do wo because he is refusing to pay his share, do you think that guy will want to talk and negotiate with his EX to ensure the wellbeing of the DC?
Sorry but I doubt it.....

AnnieAnoniMouse · 18/12/2016 14:24

cornflowerblu 💐 I don't understand how people can read posts like yours and still not get it. Thicker than mince springs to mind.

laidback. We don't have to have lived your life to see your DH is being a shit parent to his eldest DD & that you don't include her in your family - she is separate.

Original poster

Bythebeach · 18/12/2016 14:25

Sorry Folly, maybe I missed your comment before. Obviously if you always endeavour to include your step kids it is v different to what some other step mums on this thread have said.

OP posts:

StripeyMonkey1 · 18/12/2016 14:28

I think the issue is only with the OP to the extent that she validates any view to DS that his father not taking him on holiday means he doesn't care. DS's wellbeing should come first.

I'm hoping this has not happened, in which case the issue does not lie with OP at all!

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