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Lone parents

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Original poster

Ex has booked a family holiday...

159 replies

Bythebeach · 25/10/2016 17:29

...and excluded my DS1. It's even worse as the timing falls over when DS makes one of his regular trips to see them - he has always seen them the week over NY. Not this year as they are going on holiday without him.
They (ex, wife, their two kids) are going ski-ing. DS1 loves ski-ing a lot. We could not afford to go last year. Ex knows this. Luckily we may be able to go this year - but that is not the point...the point is they keep banging on about him being part of their family but their actions exclude him. Ex did not even have the balls to tell him as when I asked him what he said when they told him, he said they didn't but 'littlest sibling' told him.
It messes with his head. He said his dad was lovely driving him home and he clearly feels warmth and love. But he cannot ask a simple question or challenge anything. I can't imagine the amount he would kick off if we ever went on holiday without him (not that we would!).
He's just back from his half-term trip - the air-bed he had in the room of his 6.5+yrs younger was upgraded to a sofa bed in the lounge, which he found more comfortable but still no space of his own. There is another bedroom - but it is sacred as it is a 'study'!!

Why, why, why is there so little effort from them to make him welcome? Do they not read any of the basic tips on making a non-resident child feel at home? And yet so much anger from them when he doesn't want to come and an unsaid constant implication that it is me that influences him not to!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bythebeach · 17/12/2016 23:51

Sins=siblings on dad's side !!

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Keepingupwiththejonesys · 17/12/2016 23:59

bloodyteenagers yes, if my DSS made it clear he'd be upset by us going to pontins and him not we'd rearrange for something else. Likely a more family friendly camping trip for all the family. Thankfully for my sake (love camping but not with very young ones lol) DSS would rather go somewhere more 'adult' for a weekend with 'the lads' while me, dh and the little ones have a five day stay at pontins

Original poster
Bythebeach · 17/12/2016 23:59

No reallyanother but if the resident family has more kids than they can afford for the manner they wish to live in (and let's face it-holidays aren't essential), then the family takes a hit as a whole and everyone in it gets less holidays/trips/whatever not just selected members of the family. Second families feel they have an option to leave the non res kid out and so seem to be choosing to have the number of children they can afford EXCLUDING the stepchild. If circumstances change and you are really a family, all the kids in your family would receive an equal reduction in fun stuff!

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Original poster
Bythebeach · 18/12/2016 00:06

And Keepingup, I am so sorry if I am tarring you with the same brush. You and your DH sound fantastic and I wish my DS1's dad was like your DH.

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Keepingupwiththejonesys · 18/12/2016 00:07

So his eldest of the younger ones is around 6? See, not a huge gap but definitely big enough for then to want to do different things and be on different levels. Your ex does sound very unfair.

We've spoken about going abroad for a holiday once all the little ones are older, im a sahm and while we dont go without we do budget and going abroad just isnt a big deal for us and i really dont see it as a must. Id much rather spend the money on days out and smaller trips through the year that can be for either all the children, just the little ones or just dss. we're thinking when the youngest is around 5 though it will be a nice experience for the kids and at 9, 7 and 5 will be worth it. So DSS will be 18-19 by then. He will 100% be asked if he wants to come. He's been abroad quite a few times but I wouldn't not ask him to come if we went.

reallyanotherone · 18/12/2016 00:08

But they don't, do they?

When i lost my job it made no bugger difference to dsc. They still live in a house with two incomes, plus 1/4 of dh's in maintenance. Still get their holidays, clothes, takeaways...

Meanwhile we are living on 3/4 of a single wage, and having to cut right down.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 18/12/2016 00:18

bythebeach thankyou, I do appreciate your comment. I think I'm just a little sensitive about the whole wicked stepmum thing at the moment. We have a three bed house which I have no plans to move from. The girls share a very large room, me and dh have a medium room and DSS has a smallish room. With baby on the way DSS is going to have to 'share' his room. I say 'share' as baby now has a wardrobe in the room with clothes in and we will move the toddler bed in there when that time comes, it all fits fine, we checked and there's still floor space. All DSS stuff has remained the same in there.

The arrangement is that baby will be in with us for the first 12 months anyway. Then baby will sleep in the small room. When DSS is here to sleep, baby will sleep in either their sisters room with them or in our room. Whatever's easiest. DSS is fine with the arrangement, we let him choose the new colour for the room etc and he's quite happy. He often only sleeps here around 3 times a month now (sometimes though her decides to have a week here) and babies toys will be in the girls room so he won't be disturbed at all when here. It just seems silly to have three children in one room all the time with one room sat empty a lot. Some people have made comments though that its cruel of us to make DSS share and that we shouldn't have more children if we've no room. We have got room though and I thought the arrangement was perfect and its just got me a bit down.

Sorry I've just had a rant on your thread. Needed to get it out!

Original poster
Bythebeach · 18/12/2016 00:24

reallyanother, I'm not sure why you think the step kids lives with their other family should change when you lost your job? Presumably though if there has been an impact on your household, they feel that when they are with you. If you feel it has minimal impact on them, then perhaps they have never been a huge part of your household and have never spent much time with your household. It must be horrible to go through what you are with job loss but it doesn't mean your DH shouldn't still treat all his kids equally. You sound a bit jealous of your step kids but I really hope I've misunderstood.

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Northernlurker · 18/12/2016 00:27

Did somebody lie to you about the stepchildren? Was their existence hidden? I presume not.
You knew what you were undertaking and you chose to then have more children with a man who already had responsibilities. So don't get all tense and tragic about those responsibilities being maintained.

Original poster
Bythebeach · 18/12/2016 00:29

I take it that wasn't to me Northern!

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reallyanotherone · 18/12/2016 00:41

. If you feel it has minimal impact on them, then perhaps they have never been a huge part of your household and have never spent much time with your household

Bollocks. That is a very bitchy thing to say. But they have another parent and stepdad that can afford to take them on holiday, buy them clothes, treat them, so of course our financial situation has minimal impact on their lives. They don't have to give up their hobbies or music lessons. It just means they don't have takeaways or go shopping etc when they're with us.

I'm not jealous, i'm trying to point out that it's not always possible to treat resident children the same as non resident, and it works both ways.

But obviously it's my fault for having kids with dh. Fucking hell. No bloody empathy here, is there.

Northernlurker · 18/12/2016 00:47

No it wasn't bythebeach. It was addressed to really but there were more posts whilst I was typing

Lunar1 · 18/12/2016 05:30

You can't complain about lack of empathy while maintaining that it's ok to not treat stepchildren as part of the family. It doesn't matter what their stepdad can provide. Your husband is responsible for all of his children, equally, all of the time. He's their dad, and only a shitty one would decide that it's ok for one child to miss out because of the others.

Being a child with separate parents is beyond shit, going between two homes Is horrible no matter how it's dressed up. Non resident children need to be given time with their parent, not cast aside for the new family.

Original poster
Bythebeach · 18/12/2016 08:59

Well no really, that's not bitchy, just reality. If, for example, you had 50% shared care then half of your step kids lives would be affected and they would need to stop/decrease any activities you do with them in line with the full time kids in your household. You said there was minimal impact on your step kids so they must be spending much less than half their time with you-unless their mum and step dad are taking over payment for things/activities your household previously paid for which must be harder? If not, then of course their lives with their other household are not affected by your job loss.

As for empathy, how do you think your step kids would feel about your & your DH own kids not only getting to live with their dad full time but then being excluded from important work-free, great bonding opportunity time with their dad on holiday?

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Original poster
Bythebeach · 18/12/2016 09:11

And I'm trying to think of an analogy really and the best I can come up with is that if one of my kids was lucky enough to be taken on holiday by a friend and money was tight in our household, would I then exclude that child from the family holiday? I wouldn't. It just wouldn't be a family holiday. I'd plan some sort of family staycation instead and do lots of beach and park trips and all the fun activities it's hard to do in school time and when DH is at work.

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Follyfoot · 18/12/2016 09:24

I'm a step parent to 2 and parent to 1. They are now all adults, but we always took all three on holiday with us. I cant imagine ever just taking my DD, that would have been completely wrong. If money was tight, we stayed somewhere cheaper. We are all part of the same family.

And of course my DD wouldn't go away with DH's ex, that argument doesn't make any sense. She doesn't know her step brothers' mother, why would she?

I'm with you OP.

unicornpoopoop · 18/12/2016 09:24

I actually get where laid back is coming from.

My DS goes out with his dad and gets do lots of things that the other two at home don't get to do. My DS use to be under the impression that we were not to do anything fun without him it wasn't fair he would miss out. And we should wait so everyone could do it together. This just wasn't going to happen.

DS dad doesn't have a new family. But he can still go away when ever he wants and do what ever he wants without a thought of including DS. But if he ever has a new family, would I expect him to take my son with him every time they did anything?? No. This would result in my son having double what my other children do.

The way I see it, it's all swings and roundabouts... They can't all be included in everything to keep things fair... As it ends up not being fair....

FrancisCrawford · 18/12/2016 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Everytimeref · 18/12/2016 09:51

Life isn't equal and it's definitely not fair. It wasnt fair that SC mum had an affair which split up the family meaning my DH had to start again with an massive mortgage.
It's not fair that my DD father hasn't been able to afford to take her on holiday.
So now we compromise. Some years we take the SC on holiday with us and some years we don't.
The SC go on a two week holiday abroad with their mum and have never missed a year.

laidbackmummy13 · 18/12/2016 10:06

@reallyanotherone I get exactly where you are coming from.

Fair is not always possible. It's unfortunate but it's life.

Original poster
Bythebeach · 18/12/2016 10:10

It sounds like you're penalising your DSD for her mother's affair, Every. Horrible for your DH to go through but it sounds equally unfair of him to go on to have more kids and exclude his first born from family life with them.

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SixthSenseless · 18/12/2016 10:17

I just don't get the 'we have two of our own ' position, Laudback, HE has three of his own. You feel sensitive about the phrase 'second family ', maybe Dsc feel the same about the 'of our own ' dynamic. It must be very hard not to be the sinking that has both parents under one roof.

Though I am sure there is more than one way to make sure everyone feels valued and included.

There is quite a lot of jealousy projected on many of these threads. So what if a Dsc has AI holidays abroad? It's not time with Dad.

LaVieBoheme · 18/12/2016 10:18

I've been your DS in this situation. I was always excluded from family holidays once I turned 16 by my dad as he thought I would be "too old". This was always said without discussion, and I would often find out about the holidays from someone else, or after they occurred. It was nothing to do with not being able to afford to take me.

Even now I always feel a little left out that I'm not asked when they go away (I'm a lot older than my siblings, they are still primary school age), because now as an adult I'd even be paying for myself (which I have mentioned!)

Original poster
Bythebeach · 18/12/2016 10:18

It is really interesting re-reading this thread. Where money is tight, it is clear step-mums are concerned with ensuring their own kids have enough holidays etc and believe that it is not bad for the step kids because their other parents takes them on holidays. As the mum, my concern is not material equivalence but DS1 being left out by his dad.

Would you step mums be okay/pleased if Your step child's mum offered to pay for your step child to go with you so they weren't excluded?

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laidbackmummy13 · 18/12/2016 10:23

It's not jealousy. We are just tired of being told our children with our husbands are less important and that they should go without forever to ensure the sc's life is not impacted at all. That we should not go away or do anything unless they are here too.

There is constant criticism of step mothers. We are damned if we do and damned if we don't.

As any mother we are fiercely protective of our children.
I know I am.

My argument is... that sd gets to do things without my dcs so why not the other way round? And yes even family holidays.