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Original poster

Ex has booked a family holiday...

159 replies

Bythebeach · 25/10/2016 17:29

...and excluded my DS1. It's even worse as the timing falls over when DS makes one of his regular trips to see them - he has always seen them the week over NY. Not this year as they are going on holiday without him.
They (ex, wife, their two kids) are going ski-ing. DS1 loves ski-ing a lot. We could not afford to go last year. Ex knows this. Luckily we may be able to go this year - but that is not the point...the point is they keep banging on about him being part of their family but their actions exclude him. Ex did not even have the balls to tell him as when I asked him what he said when they told him, he said they didn't but 'littlest sibling' told him.
It messes with his head. He said his dad was lovely driving him home and he clearly feels warmth and love. But he cannot ask a simple question or challenge anything. I can't imagine the amount he would kick off if we ever went on holiday without him (not that we would!).
He's just back from his half-term trip - the air-bed he had in the room of his 6.5+yrs younger was upgraded to a sofa bed in the lounge, which he found more comfortable but still no space of his own. There is another bedroom - but it is sacred as it is a 'study'!!

Why, why, why is there so little effort from them to make him welcome? Do they not read any of the basic tips on making a non-resident child feel at home? And yet so much anger from them when he doesn't want to come and an unsaid constant implication that it is me that influences him not to!

OP posts:
laidbackmummy13 · 18/12/2016 10:25

As I said OP. Your ex IS wrong. As a stepmother I would not allow his visit to be diarupted.

laidbackmummy13 · 18/12/2016 10:35

I would definitely not be offended.
However, please remember the stepmother may not have the final say.

Original poster
Bythebeach · 18/12/2016 11:16

I think I get it laidback. I don't worry too much about my younger two because they get enough activities and holidays (we are v lucky and my parents often take us all on hol or help out) and so if DS1 goes on hol with his dad, I have no concern younger two are missing out - we tend to gear activities to them a bit more too so DS1 does not feel he's missed anything he speciAlly likes. Conversely you feel yours aren't getting enough trips/hols/whatever so then it feels v unfair if they then can't go on what you can afford in case SD left out.
I guess, as always, it's money making life easier/harder.
And thinking about it, it is an additional financial burden for both separated parents to try to include the child in all big trips and holidays and the child would of course get double holidays and cost double what they would if their parents were a nuclear family. Not a problem if finances are strong and small compensation for separated parents but impossible if they are hard.

I guess the key is communication. Because although my kid doesn't need more holidays, he does need to feel loved and valued by his dad. Explaining to the step child you'd love to take them but can't afford it, talking to the resident parent who might help you to include stepchild, maybe setting an expectation that you can afford to include them in every second trip/hol would be easier for the kid to understand?

I find it particularly hard because this is one of many ways my son has been made to feel less important than his dad's other kids. If it was this one thing in isolation and communicated sensitively to my son, it would be easier for him.

OP posts:
Muppetslikecoco · 18/12/2016 11:26

It is really interesting re-reading this thread. Where money is tight, it is clear step-mums are concerned with ensuring their own kids have enough holidays etc and believe that it is not bad for the step kids because their other parents takes them on holidays. As the mum, my concern is not material equivalence but DS1 being left out by his dad.

I think you've hit the nail on the head.

FrankAndBeans · 18/12/2016 11:31

The original kids should come first and no, you shouldn't be having more kids with a man that can't afford them.

laidbackmummy13 · 18/12/2016 11:32

Communication is definitely key. And so is sensitivity. If the other child had plans etc then it would be less of a blow. But not informing the child and also booking it during when they are meant to visit is just vile.

laidbackmummy13 · 18/12/2016 11:33

Frank and beans. It's exactly that kind of thinking that massively pisses me off.
Why are my children and I less important?

Maybe83 · 18/12/2016 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lunar1 · 18/12/2016 11:39

Your children aren't less important. They have two parents, same as your stepchildren. What ever the mum of your stepchildren provided is irrelevant to you and none of your business.

You need to get it into your head, that your partner is equally responsible for all his children, he doesn't owe yours any more or less than his first. He does owe it to his eldest to make sure they are included, they shouldn't be disadvantaged because they don't live with their dad.

laidbackmummy13 · 18/12/2016 11:41

Far from dissadvantaged. He pays maintenance. Has regular visits. And attention is divided according to age and need. As it would be in any family.

Maybe83 · 18/12/2016 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lunar1 · 18/12/2016 11:46

Laidback, your step child is disadvantaged. Your partner had children he can't afford. Rather than cut his cloth accordingly, he excludes his eldest from family holidays and trips.

You don't see it because it suits you not to, but you and your partner should be absolutely ashamed of this attitude.

toptoe · 18/12/2016 11:47

It's about how the child perceives he is prioritised by his parent. So if he feels he is second best to other children, he will be hurt. If the parent is geographically distant then holidays will be even more important to them.

I agree op that you have to stop being nicey nicey and making excuses when the non res parent is treating them second best. Otherwise the child bottles it all up and feels to blame for feeling shit, when actually the parent should be rectifying the situation.

toptoe · 18/12/2016 11:48

The non res parent. Not a lot you can do about it either I'm afraid. And the non res parent is unlikely to change.

laidbackmummy13 · 18/12/2016 11:53

And how exactly is it my children's fault that they seperated long before I met him? Nothing in her life has changed because of my children.
They deserve a life unhindered and with the same advantages

Original poster
Bythebeach · 18/12/2016 11:56

I wouldn't consider for a moment that my ex's younger kids were less important than DS1 but ex appears to feel DS1 is less important than them. He reduced his contact with DS1 once other kids born and has missed two six month periods of maintenance since their births when he hadn't before (all sorted now via CMS) and ex has no room/bed/space/drawers at his home for DS1 since arrival of others. So no I don't think DS1 is more important - but I do think ex has been irresponsible creating more children than he has money/time/energy for and it is unfair that he chooses DS1 to lose out consistently and never his new kids- he hasn't lost his job/had a change of circs that would otherwise explain his decreased involvement in DS1's life!

OP posts:
rookiemere · 18/12/2016 11:58

I like what keepupwiththejones does.

She's right - it's not about the cost of the holiday, it's about the time spent with each DC and how not to make the non resident DCs feel second best. I bet her DSS loves his camping trips on his own with his DF. Laidback - does your DH spend time on his own with his DD?

In the case of the OP as I said above, it's perfectly possible that including DS made the trip unaffordable as he might require a separate room. In that case the very least that the DF could have done was bloody well told him why he wasn't included in a kind an appropriate way and offered up something instead - even if it was only a session at the dry ski slopes together - at least it would show that he considered DS to be his son.

Maybe83 · 18/12/2016 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

laidbackmummy13 · 18/12/2016 12:13

Only during colection/drop off. In the car.
As I said. Attention is divided according to age/need.

But what works for us may not work for others. So not everyone will agree/ or see it as fair. But we do the best we can with what we have.

"Fair" is relative.

Everytimeref · 18/12/2016 12:29

No not blaming SC for the mums affair but because of it they now come from a separated family which has had a major impact on finance meaning DH can't afford family holidays with his DC but is able to join my DD (his SDD) and me on our holidays. To outsiders it must look like he is "leaving his children out"

Lunar1 · 18/12/2016 12:29

Your children will have the advantages that you and their dad can provide. He has to split everything between his three children.

It sounds like he's a pathetic dad to be honest if he can't give his elders 1:1 time apart form in the car.

Don't worry you will know how it feels when he moves on, has more kids and leaves your two behind on trips and holidays and his new family will need him more.

bloodyteenagers · 18/12/2016 12:36

Wow how nice of him. 1:1 in the car for pick up/drop off. No kick around in the park. No bike ride. No walk to the shop. Watch a film together. These don't even have to cost money. Or minimal expense of a quid or two. But the time, bonding, memories is priceless.

MuppetsChristmasCarol · 18/12/2016 12:44

If you can't afford to do something will all the children, you either need to look at cheaper options or not do it.

Can't believe that anyone thinks it's okay to exclude one child from family holidays and trips. Sad

rookiemere · 18/12/2016 12:46

Everytimeref - unless you are paying for your DH's share of the holidays, then yes what people see "leaving his children out" is exactly correct.

Even a couple of hundred pounds should be enough for say a weeks camping or a weekend in an AirBnB, so yes I would judge a man who chose to go on holiday with DCs that aren't related to him in preference to taking his own away.

laidbackmummy13 · 18/12/2016 12:47

TBH. I have never understood this 1:1 time. Neither does he. We never had it as a child (and yes I'm from a divorced family) and we never missed it. My girls don't get 1:1 time. So no, we discussed it but we both agree that it feeds a nature of entitlement and that it is actually detrimental.

Please note that I am from a second family who's parents then divorced. So none of this is an alien concept to me