Ex has booked a family holiday...

[Bythebeach]

...and excluded my DS1. It's even worse as the timing falls over when DS makes one of his regular trips to see them - he has always seen them the week over NY. Not this year as they are going on holiday without him.
They (ex, wife, their two kids) are going ski-ing. DS1 loves ski-ing a lot. We could not afford to go last year. Ex knows this. Luckily we may be able to go this year - but that is not the point...the point is they keep banging on about him being part of their family but their actions exclude him. Ex did not even have the balls to tell him as when I asked him what he said when they told him, he said they didn't but 'littlest sibling' told him.
It messes with his head. He said his dad was lovely driving him home and he clearly feels warmth and love. But he cannot ask a simple question or challenge anything. I can't imagine the amount he would kick off if we ever went on holiday without him (not that we would!).
He's just back from his half-term trip - the air-bed he had in the room of his 6.5+yrs younger was upgraded to a sofa bed in the lounge, which he found more comfortable but still no space of his own. There is another bedroom - but it is sacred as it is a 'study'!!

Why, why, why is there so little effort from them to make him welcome? Do they not read any of the basic tips on making a non-resident child feel at home? And yet so much anger from them when he doesn't want to come and an unsaid constant implication that it is me that influences him not to!

Laidback - your situation sounds different to that of the OP.

In this scenario the DS's DF didn't even have the balls to tell his own son that he was going on a ski holiday, on his contact week, doing a sport he enjoys and was unable to afford to go away last year.

Now there may be a "good" reason for this. If the step DCs are younger it could be that the family is staying in one room and it would be the cost of a full room for DS which makes it too expensive and/or perhaps DS is too young to stay in a room on his own. We simply don't know, and as DS's relationship is so fragile with his own DF then he can't ask or challenge in any way.

In any case, if they can afford a ski holiday, I presume they would have enough money to buy a sofa bed or futon for the study.

Let's not forget as well that whilst lucky old Stepkids may get to have more than one set of holidays per year, they don't get the stability of having their two parents their to bring them up. They don't get to choose between the two. Therefore yes, if at all possible, DSCs should be given the option of going on holiday particularly with the non-resident parent which they won't see as much of.

It's not that black and white. Nor that simple. And that's just the truth of it.

Evertime, yes same here. Like a house that isn't falling apart lol

Wow yes, DCs are just queueing up to constantly move their belongings between two houses, split themselves in half on important days of the year ( but only if it doesn't get in the way of any other plans) and fawn over their younger step-siblings who get their DF's attention all the time.

Well maybe we should go back to "staying together for the sake of the children" then, if it's so detrimental to the dc.

It's fascinating reading your posts laidback because it's such a different perspective. For my DS1, he doesn't feel it is an advantage to have 'extra parents and love'. I am sure there are better set ups than I have with ex and DS1's life is complicated by distance to ex's but to see his dad entails going a long way from home and missing home. He doesn't have the security of his two biological parents living and raising him together. Even without conflict, it was much less than ideal.

I'm not saying that really - I just feel very sad on behalf of the DCs who are in the tricky position of navigating two households and it's hard to see that described as "being the best of both worlds", when with the best will in the world, it clearly isn't.

I'm sure however in many cases it's much better for the DCs than being in a situation where the parents should not be together and I have seen some great examples of co-parenting once they have split.

Holidays are certainly the time that we regroup as a family without all the day to day distractions and it's important for us, I know that the needs of say a gruff and grumbly teen are different from those of toddlers, but even if it's a week long trip to Peppa world, it seems nice to give them the option if it's at all possible.

That must make it much more complicated. And as I said seen as his visits are not regular he should not have booked a holiday at that time. So yes you should be angry. As "evil" as I am I would never allow it that's detrimental to their father-son relationship.

I'm not saying it's an ideal situation but surel it's better for children to put a positive spin instead of all the negativity?

It would be much less detrimental to the children's mental health, reallyanother, if the kids' own parents prioritised them equally.

What age is your DS bythebeach?

IMHO the children don't need to have equal lives but they do need to be treated equally by their own parents. If the father couldn't afford to take all of his children then none of them should've gone.

11 rookie

I always tried to put a positive spin, laidback, when he was little but it didn't give him space to say what he felt. Once I learned to listen rather than try to NLP DS1, I heard that he doesn't like transitioning between his dad's and home and he was envious of my younger two for not having to uproot from friends and family regularly. He wishes my DH was his dad but also loves his own dad fiercely and is quite conflicted because he is, understandably, not secure in his dad's love.

My DS is 10 Bythebeach.He'd be really upset in this scenario as well.
It's such a bummer. You can't force his DF to be a better person than he actually is and your DS sounds like such a sweet, sensitive soul.

I'm torn between suggesting you email your ex asking if you can pay for the ski trip or just making sure you take him on one yourself if you can afford it. I think the latter is the more sensible option. You can only be the best parent you can be.

Bless him. That's rough. As I said I understand your anger and feel it is justified. Our situation is quite different as it's weekend visits and not as far to travel.

IMHO the children don't need to have equal lives but they do need to be treated equally by their own parents. If the father couldn't afford to take all of his children then none of them should've gone

So my kids should never go on holiday, ever? Because that is what it would mean. They hear their half sibling talking about going away and holidays and ask when we can go. I have to say not this year as it is, as we can only afford to go once every few years.

It is impossible to treat them the same. Dh's ex won't take her kids to sports or dance classes. Should mine not do their classes because their dad pays? We can't afford a house with a bedroom for dsc, should i make all the kids share one room because dsc can't have a room?

Really another one , I feel your pain and anger. It's shit isn't it?

It seems that some fathers with second families are behaving irresponsibly and choosing to have more kids than they can afford. I understand it must be hard to see your kids have less than their half-sibling but it would be much less of an issue for the non-resident child if their father had responsibly chosen to produce the number of children he could afford to have in his family!

I think the way your ex has gone about this is really wrong. Just want to make it clear I do think in this situation he's being an idiot.

I do however disagree with those saying that DSC should always go away with whichever parents whenever, how ridiculous. I'm a step mum to a 13 almost 14 year old and have two children with dh age 4 and 2 (and one on the way). We went to pontins in June when DDS where 3 and 1, DSS didn't come, not coz we're mean and I'm 'wicked' nope, he didn't want to come so we took advantage and went in term time (dd1 is only at preschool so I could take her out) . Just like a couple of years ago his mum was taking his little sister to peppa pig world, not a chance did he wanna go so he came and stayed here while they went. He went to places like that when he was younger so its fair that our younger kids and his mums younger get to do it too. On the other hand DSS is now at an age where he can go and do 'wild' camping with his dad (dh) . Our eldest dd would love to go along but is simply to young so dh and DSS go just the two of them or with some of dhs mates. When you have big age gaps you do things seperatly sometimes, just the way it is!

We have already planned to go to pontins again next year. Its the last year we have before dd1 starts 'big school' so we will take advantage and take her, dd2 and baby. Already mentioned it to DSS and he doesn't wanna come. Instead he's going on a camping trip with dh at some point in the summer holidays. If anyone thinks the way we do things is unfair I'd love them to speak to my DSS coz he seems quite happy with it.

Reallyanotherone I can see where you are coming from, genuinely. It must be incredible difficult to see a step child have wonderful things and not be able to provide that for all the children including step children equally. I'm sorry for over simplifying the matter. My own father got around this by taking turns with us. One year he would take my step siblings on holiday and a few years later me and my brother. It's not easy to be a step child and sometimes even the littlest things can feel like a kick in the teeth. For example an unequal number of photos around the house. A big gesture like a holiday is never going to go unnoticed.

KeepingUp to me it sounds very much like your children and step children are treated equally. In the OP the DS enjoys skiing and would like to be going.

As a resident parent to DS1 with subsequent kids with my (now) DH, there is no choice to leave DS1 out of holidays. If we holiday as a family, it's all of us or none of us. There were years in the past where ex did take DS1 on holiday - we didn't exclude him from ours because he'd already had a holiday. It is emphatically not about the bonus of an extra holiday but actually being included in both families. It would never have occurred to me to penalise DS1 for already having been on holiday with his other family. The fact that some step-mum's think this is okay makes it clear they don't consider their stepchild as a real part of their family. And I don't mean if you have a teenage step-child and toddlers you want to take to Peppa Pig world - clearly then a quick conversation to confirm teen not keen on Peppa is appropriate and perhaps a grown up alternative trip for teen offered. But an actual holiday should surely include a minimum of the offer to take non-resident child.

But what also about the non resident chid wanting to spend that quality time with their absent parent? Why shouldn't that ever be brought into the situation? How hard it must be for them that their siblings are off having fun with their dad, and they are being excluded. The rejection they must feel.

My children hear about their mates going on holiday often. Some go several times a year. It is explained to them that peoples incomes differ. Instead we make other memories. Even just a free trip to the park, or an almost free trip to another park that incurs bus fares.

seems that some fathers with second families are behaving irresponsibly and choosing to have more kids than they can afford. I understand it must be hard to see your kids have less than their half-sibling but it would be much less of an issue for the non-resident child if their father had responsibly chosen to produce the number of children he could afford to have in his family!

Yep. That's exactly it. Do you feel the same way about parents on benefits who choose to have more kids?

Also, what happens when you can afford the kids when you have them, but circumstances change. Job loss, illness, disability? Should the "second family" be handed over to foster care now they can no longer be "afforded" so the child that came first can still have holidays?

Come on.

Keeping, the massive difference is the children are being asked. They are not excluded constantly. They make the choice to go. If they said actually yes I want to go, they would still go correct?

I agree, like I said in my other post I do think the ops ex is being very unreasonable and a complete twonk really. Just that I read through the thread and some people do seem to have the blurred view that step mums are wicked and don't care about their step children, its annoying and upsetting to read sometimes. Life's not as black and white as 'if one goes they all go' it simply insnt always like that.

I do count myself lucky though. Myself, dh, DSS mum and DSS step dad are all amicable. We are by no means friends and only talk to each other when it involves DSS but we are all civil. I understand this isn't always the case though and that in itself is a shame. We've never had the whole 'this is 'your' week' and this is 'my' week. ' thing. DSS used to come every weekend and about half the holidays, his choice. As he's got older he doesn't want to come as much as he's out with his mates near his mums, fair enough. We've had the odd month where we've only seen him twice but then other months like this he's here all this weekend and then staying from boxing day until new years day, only found out yesterday as that's when he asked. Again, that's what he's asked for so that's what's happening and we're more than happy to have him here. If however he rings on a day we've already planned to go out, say to the zoo, and he'd previously said he didn't wanna come then we say no. We can't cancel our plans on whim when he phones as that's not fair.

Aaah Keepingup I hadn't seen yours as took me so long to post. Your DH sounds very fair and it is holiday ing appropriately for the age group. DS1 has longed for some one to one time with his dad but his dad has never taken him on a big kid camping w/e to balance things out. Where there is age difference, it can make sense to not have a family holiday and have big kid and little kid trips but I had asked ex a couple of years ago if he would consider taking DS1 for weekend trip just the two of them and he never has (sins are 5 yrs younger so there is an age gap but not massive).