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Lone parents

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Original poster

Ex has booked a family holiday...

159 replies

Bythebeach · 25/10/2016 17:29

...and excluded my DS1. It's even worse as the timing falls over when DS makes one of his regular trips to see them - he has always seen them the week over NY. Not this year as they are going on holiday without him.
They (ex, wife, their two kids) are going ski-ing. DS1 loves ski-ing a lot. We could not afford to go last year. Ex knows this. Luckily we may be able to go this year - but that is not the point...the point is they keep banging on about him being part of their family but their actions exclude him. Ex did not even have the balls to tell him as when I asked him what he said when they told him, he said they didn't but 'littlest sibling' told him.
It messes with his head. He said his dad was lovely driving him home and he clearly feels warmth and love. But he cannot ask a simple question or challenge anything. I can't imagine the amount he would kick off if we ever went on holiday without him (not that we would!).
He's just back from his half-term trip - the air-bed he had in the room of his 6.5+yrs younger was upgraded to a sofa bed in the lounge, which he found more comfortable but still no space of his own. There is another bedroom - but it is sacred as it is a 'study'!!

Why, why, why is there so little effort from them to make him welcome? Do they not read any of the basic tips on making a non-resident child feel at home? And yet so much anger from them when he doesn't want to come and an unsaid constant implication that it is me that influences him not to!

OP posts:
blondiebonce · 17/12/2016 22:14

Again, taking all of your points on board...except no of course SDs mum doesn't bloody include your DDs...they are absolutely nothing to do with her. By not including them, she is not making anyone feel rejected.

Original poster
Bythebeach · 17/12/2016 22:17

But that's skewed thinking laid-back....your sd DM is no relation to your children .... she is not their father or mother and she is not rejecting them by excluding them because they are not hers. Your DH is excluding his eldest child though. It really isn't about material 'fairness' - which is not very relevant as there can easily be disparity in the finances of different house holds....but the parent treating ALL of his children equally.

I know life goes on and I'm not suggesting you don't take your kids on days out when your DSD isn't there but I think holidays/special trips are different.

OP posts:
laidbackmummy13 · 17/12/2016 22:17

Of course she would be. Sd still comes here and talks about it? It's still them missing out.
So you mean their equal but not equal then?

laidbackmummy13 · 17/12/2016 22:19

The age difference and he very hectic schedule. Being a teen. Is also a huge barrier.
She would be bored to tears doing the things my toddlers enjoy and vice versa

Original poster
Bythebeach · 17/12/2016 22:21

But laid-back, your kids will hear all sorts of other kids talk about stuff they've done without them! What DSD does with her mum cannot make your kids feel rejected...perhaps they will feel financially disadvantaged but that won't damage their self-esteem. DS1 feels financially disadvantaged when kids in his class have iPhone 7s but that doesn't bother me at all. He know not everyone can afford everything!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bythebeach · 17/12/2016 22:24

And the importance is being treated EQUALLY by their father .. not having materially identical lives.

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 17/12/2016 22:25

If the ops ex cannot afford to take all his children away, then the mature and fairest thing would be to save up and take them all next year.

Lunar1 · 17/12/2016 22:26

Laid back, your attitude is what puts the 'wicked' in stepmum. Is your partner allowed to involve his eldest in anything? Or do you think they are less important than yours.

laidbackmummy13 · 17/12/2016 22:26

May I also add we have never had the "holiday issue" but when if we were to do so we would not plan it when she is scheduled to be here, ( if say we couldn't take them all or more likely that she didn't want to come) (as I said she's a teen) we would try and make it coincide with when she has a trip. Then all are busy and content.

As I said we try our best. And in OP's case the ex is an arse for scheduling on one of the few times he has contact.

confuugled1 · 17/12/2016 22:26

What would they have done if you'd had plans to be away/working/not available for whatever reason to look after your ds over new year when he was supposed to be at his dad's but his dad had just buffered off ski-img with the rest of his family?

And is he going to get any other time with his dad to make up for the time he is missing out that he would normally have expected to have had?

Original poster
Bythebeach · 17/12/2016 22:26

Indeed bloody!

OP posts:
Jetcatisback · 17/12/2016 22:27

laidback I really don't understand your argument re your DD not going away with her step mum - surely your ex would be going away with the step mum, meaning it's not your DDs step mum taking her away (with her own children), but her dad taking her away - with partner and step siblings?

Not too sure I've phrased that correctly as I can't see how you think your current set up is fairConfused

laidbackmummy13 · 17/12/2016 22:28

I'm the step mum.

blondiebonce · 17/12/2016 22:28

Right. Well next time give DP's ex a ring and see if she'll take on two more to centre parks, then.

OP is DS's Dad remotely embarrassed? Any chance he can sit down with DS to hear how he feels? I know it seems silly but he deserves to feel like he's a shit! Might actually hit home how these things affect DS.

Everytimeref · 17/12/2016 22:30

I am with Laid back, treating someone equally doesn't necessarily mean having to do exactly the same.

Original poster
Bythebeach · 17/12/2016 22:34

blond, I have started several emails but I am so enraged I cannot pen a coherent one to ex. This rejection of DS1 comes on top of a series of failings by ex (failings from my perspective anyway) and I am so cross that he does not treat DS1 equally and has rejected him by degrees over the years. DS1 loves him and I am so sorry for him it makes me furious with ex.

OP posts:
laidbackmummy13 · 17/12/2016 22:34

I'm a very practical person but not very emotional at all. He is a very practical person also. But we ensure contact (unless through illness) is consistent and regular. We make sure she has her own room and he calls her regularly between visits.

I'm just of the opinion that these situations are complicated. Sometimes it just doesn't work to include them all. Be is financial or schedule issues. Of which we have plenty of both. But when it comes to his relationship with her we ensure it is maintained as best we possibly can.

Call me evil if you wish. I'm just being honest. It's not always that black and white.

bloodyteenagers · 17/12/2016 22:35

Just because she doesn't miss out because she goes with mum, shouldn't come into it.
She has two separate homes. She is missing out making those memories that are created on days out with her siblings.

kilmuir · 17/12/2016 22:36

Should take ALL his children.

reallyanotherone · 17/12/2016 22:38

I'm also with laidback. Equal is not always fair.

We can't afford to take dsc away with us either. It isn't "cut your cloth", it's no holiday at all.

It's hardly fair that dsc gets two holidays abroad and resident children get no holiday at all because dsc coming makes it unaffordable.

Not that dsc wants to come caravanning with us when they're used to AI in a fancy resort...

In o/p's case, though, it is pretty shitty that a) it's a week he should be with them, and b) they didn't discuss reasons with him beforehand. As o/p said, if it was cost had she known she could have chipped in.

kilmuir · 17/12/2016 22:39

Laidbackmummy13, you sound like you are happy as long as your 2 children are included , to hell with your partners child. She can come if we can afford it. Bet your 2 never miss out

laidbackmummy13 · 17/12/2016 22:44

Or you could look at it the other way. She has two families. 3 parents that love her. She gets to be a big sister eowe and then be an only child the rest of the time. She gets two birthdays and two christmases she has the best of both worlds.
Everything doesn't have to be so negative.
But it does baffle me that it's only "not fair" if the children from the "second family" (hate that) miss out.

laidbackmummy13 · 17/12/2016 22:45

Realyanotherone. Glad I'm not alone here. And also agree. OP's ex IS being an arse.

AyeAmarok · 17/12/2016 22:46

Flipping hell laidback, you're attitude to your SD, and more importantly your DH's attitude to his own daughter, is disgusting.

If your DH cannot afford to include ALL his children, then you either do something cheaper or you wait until you can afford it. If you can't afford to do that, then you shouldn't have had as many children.

OP, your ex is an arsewipe. Cannot see how a parent could justify doing what he has done.

Everytimeref · 17/12/2016 22:46

I can see it's unfair excluding your DS when he usually visits at that time and unfair for DF not to tell him.
However I have no qualms not taking SC's on holiday with us but including my DD. The SC have and will have lots of advantages in life that my DD hasn't had.