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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Am I wrong? So angry

51 replies

Jemima14 · 05/10/2015 21:33

I posted my story here a while ago & got some great feedback. Hopefully you can help me out again. I'm a single mammy to a 1 year old dd, father not involved at all, lives in US, has recently been in contact wanting to establish some sort of contact, but it has been minimal & its only an email or text here and there. I have sent some photos and more recently, I mashed a few home videos together, my little girl playing, eating, being cute, all different ones about 4 mins long.

WELL, i just had a look at his fb page & he posted it, plus all the photos i've sent him. With lots of messages.

Now, half of me, almost feels somewhat pleased, he completley denied her when she was born, so on some level its like, well, its nice of you to want to acknowledge your daughter. BUT i find it really weird & not happy with all of those pictures (private) being posted to loads of strangers.

And the video, photos are one thing, but the video, shes playing naked, my sisters, my necies are in it, in pyjamas, etc. There would be very few people I would show it to, and i am shocked he has posted that. Am I overreacting. I actually just feel shocked.

Help

OP posts:

coolaschmoola · 05/10/2015 23:53

"...but the video, she's playing naked."

Your exact words op. Yet when it was picked up on all of a sudden she was in the bath and her nakedness couldn't be seen so either your first post was deliberately deceptive or you had your knickers in a knot over no nudity nudity...

Original poster

Jemima14 · 05/10/2015 23:54

Thank you christina, for a normal non attacking reply.

And thankyou JeffsanArsehole, if you didn't repeat yourself ten times I might not have understood what it was you were trying to say. Helpful, truely, thankyou. That is EXACTLY what I came on here for.

OP posts:

JeffsanArsehole · 06/10/2015 00:01

Glad to help

I think it's fantastic how quickly you've taken responsibility for sending the naked video and not been only angry at the man who posted them online

coolaschmoola · 06/10/2015 00:03

You are the poster who is attacking others op... Astonishingly rude. I'm amazed that you are still having a go at Jeff, now we can add unwarranted sarcasm to the list of unpleasant behaviours you've shown on this thread.

Original poster

Jemima14 · 06/10/2015 00:07

coolaschmoola, how have I namecalled like a petulant child? I called someone by their username and I did ask the person who spoke to me rudely if they were a troll? What other response do you expect? Yes I have got my back up because I think people have attacked me unfairly on here.

And no, I do not think I was naive in sending off what I did send. It was intended for a private audience, had I any reason in my head that alarm bells were ringing saying, this is wrong, then I wouldn't have sent it. My problem is with it then being shared publicly where I do think its wrong. For the fact that it is not appropriate, and its of my private life and family.

OP posts:

coolaschmoola · 06/10/2015 00:18

'You are just and only, a nasty arsehole.'

The username is Jeffsanarsehole not I'manarsehole so the poster is not referring to themself as an arsehole.

You did though, and not just an arsehole, but a nasty arsehole, which was definitely a name you added yourself.

I'm sorry if you don't like the responses but the minute you share pictures of your 'private life' with anyone you are choosing to allow them to do what they like with them. Unless you discussed it with him you had no right to expect them to be kept private. He shared pics and videos of his daughter on Facebook - so do millions of other people so why not him? Its hardly a phenomenon, which is why, if you are so precious about who sees them, you should have at least considered the possibility.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 06/10/2015 00:27

OP I don't know what's happening recently here on MNs but it's like every thread started for support is treated like it's in AIBU - with goady responses, jumping on the op and focusing on one part of the post - like a bunch of yappy, nippy terriers. I'm sorry you have been on the receiving end of it. Re your DDs father - he took the pictures down. I understand why you were upset, and he was thoughtless to put them up - but he listened and respected your request. I know it would be less stressful in the short term to not make the effort to keep him in your DDs life - but long term it is for her benifit. Go slowly, tread carefully - but hopefully in the future he can be a father to her, and maybe even support for you. Being a parent is hard - people make mistakes. But hopefully the learn from them.

Original poster

Jemima14 · 06/10/2015 00:33

Actually, he calls himself Jeff & then calls himself an arsehole. The fact that I called him nasty was calling out the way he spoke to me, which was nasty and unnecessary.

I have been attacked on this thread, I have only sought help and was open to having any kind of discussion, yet I was wiped by everyone, after that first spat with jeff, its like everyone saw that and thought they'd have a go at me, no discussions where had, I was just told 'you are utterly stupid'. That is nasty. I have stood up for myself. I have wanted to explain and explore, but no persons idea was presented to me in any kind of conversational manner, only derogatory and accusatory and 'I' have been repeatedly namecalled. I don't understand what is going on here. I don't usually post in this group. Im just wondering if its a case of everyonelicksjeffsarsehole. LOL. I am out of here.

OP posts:

JeffsanArsehole · 06/10/2015 00:37

'Jeff' is a troll/hacker who fucked up Mumsnet about a month ago. There are now loads of name change posters like me with 'Jeffsatosser'/'JeffsMummyismad etc. My name is obviously not 'Jeff' since he's an arsehole.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 06/10/2015 00:43

And yet another women, upset, posting for advice or support is driving away. Nice job ladies. Really well done. Mumsnet is turning from a place of sometimes blunt, but usually well ment support into something particularly cliquish and rather nasty. I've seen at least 5 of these sort of posts in as many days. I can only assume that the hacking has scared off the more reasonable posters and the balance is skewed.

BitOutOfPractice · 06/10/2015 07:42

I agree feck. No idea why the op has been given such s hard time.

Jeff you weighed straight in saying "it's all your fault you idiot" to the op. It was completely unnecessary. The op's ex had never given her any reason to believe he was suddenly going to come over all proud father on her and post the pics online.

It sounds as though she's asked him to remove them and he has. Immediate problem solved.

Now op, what was it you were wanting advice about.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 06/10/2015 07:59

Naked pics in the bath are no big deal. But that he took pictures you sent and reposted them as if he had an actual rs with your dd is not appropriate.
I am glad he took them down when asked. Hopefully he gets the boundary.
I don't like it when my kids are posted online either as it is not their choice.

WhoGivesAFlying · 07/10/2015 20:26

OP, it was a silly thing to do, I don't even send naked pics of my LO to family. Once you hit send, to whoever, it's out of your control.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 08/10/2015 01:17

Flying - again - the OP has been driven off her thread by the finger pointing.

SushiAndTheBanshees · 08/10/2015 01:32

The thing is, you clearly don't know the father or grandmother well, given you had no idea that they would do such a thing with photos of your DD.

If you knew them well, you'd have had a reasonable idea of their views on parenting, privacy, protection of the child etc.

You actually say that you are trying to forge a relationship where there has previously been none.

So I agree with Jeff, you've been incredibly naive. There are any number of ways to build a relationship. This needn't be one if it bothers you that this sort of thing happens.

But, it's done and undone now. Lesson learned. Move on.

misslila1 · 08/10/2015 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

misslila1 · 08/10/2015 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sleepyfergus · 08/10/2015 23:22

I'm afraid I agree, the OP came on for support and the first response she got was unbelievably smug and condescending. Not at all helpful or supporting.

Original poster

Jemima14 · 10/10/2015 21:00

Thank you Magic Dragon, and thank you other posters who gave me a fair chance. I did come on here in need of support and advice, because I was already feeling worried & stressed about things, and hoped writing it here would help, but all I got was a kick in the face. I have read back alot of my own feedback on other threads in different forums, and I have never been nasty to anyone. Only kind and supportive. Anyway.

I am still at a loss over what to do. He has taken them down. The trust has been broken. We have been working on this for the last 6 months. Its not like he just made contact and I sent him loads of pictures, its been a gradual thing. But now I don't know what to feel. If im honest I felt pressured to send the video cause he kept asking for one, and I don't want to be pressured like that, and it is hard for me to share it with him, its my home, family, my stupid commentary... but I also feel some sympathy for his situation, he wants to know his child somewhat, and until she is old enough to have some interaction then I don't know what else to do beyond what we had been doing. Emails, updates from me, few photos from me. He has send some money & lots of presents, and plans to visit in Jan. Realistically, he will only ever visit once a year. Its a very difficult situation for everyone involved.

OP posts:

Kr1stina · 10/10/2015 21:04

Is he financially supporting his child ? I don't mean sending a few quid to buy her a present

Original poster

Jemima14 · 10/10/2015 21:12

No he is not. Only recently has paternity been confirmed, which he has always fallen back on when I wanted to discuss child support, so now that it has and since this has happened, I have said to him that we both need to think on everything, and have things more formal. I am waiting for him to come back to me.

OP posts:

steppemum · 10/10/2015 21:25

ok, ignoring the bun fight and back to the point.

Can I just say, that sending a naked photo of a child via social media/internet/email etc is illegal. I don't think it is to take a photo of a child eg your baby in the bath, but as soon as you send it over the net, you and the recipient are committing an offense.
Now I won't swear to that 100%. But I was recently at a safeguarding meeting and that was said by the expert presenting. He went on to make the point that the law and reality don't always match, but that is another story.

You need to contact him, and say, politely but firmly, that it is not OK for him to post lots of pictures of her on FB. Ask him to take them down. If he doesn't, ask FB to.

Then tell him what your parameters are.
eg, my FB page is limited to xx people and I only post pictures of her in these circumstances. If you don't post at all then say that.

Ask him him nicely to respect your wishes as regards to FB. If he says yes, then you can send him stuff, but only stuff you feel happy with him sharing, because he may not follow through on what he says. If he proves reliable, you can send more.

Original poster

Jemima14 · 10/10/2015 21:34

He has taken everything down now & won't be posting any more

OP posts:

TeaPleaseLouise · 10/10/2015 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Jemima14 · 10/10/2015 21:49

No, we haven't tried that. I need to get a webcam and then that might be better to do that.

OP posts:

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