Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

Genuine questions for single parents-Don't want to cause offence!

131 replies

Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 14:50

First off I just want to say that I hope I don't offend anyone, I just need to put my mind at rest as I'm currently in a situation with my younger sister were I think she has staged a break up with her partner in order to claim single parent benefits. I'll just state from the off, that I myself am married, so no, I have no idea what it must be like to have to raise children alone, I can only imagine that for some it must be incredibly difficult. I've suspected for a while now that my sister is on fiddle but i'd just like to get other people's perspectives as I'm not sure what is usual and typical behaviour when you're separated from your partner yet still trying to be amicable for the children.

From the start lol. They have three children together and they have been on/off breaking up for years. They own a house together but he has moved out and now lives at his grandads which is round the corner from where my sister now lives in her new rented council house! She claim they are not together but he is never away from her house. When he sees the kids it is always at my sisters house as he claims the kids can't go to his grandads house as he's too old.

So he hangs around the house like nothing has changed and then walks the 5 minute walk back to his grandads house. He still does diy jobs around the house for my sister, and has recently helped her decorate and fit carpets. They went on holiday together at Xmas claiming it was for the kids benefit, and if my sister goes out for a night out he will sleep over "on the couch"

Now like I said I've never been in the situation were I've been separated from my children's father and having work hard to keep it together for. Kids sake BUT surely this isn't normal?

My sister works 20 hours a week and claims tax credits, housing benefit, council tax the lot, and she quite openly said the other day that it's like her and her "ex" are a couple but there not! And that she makes sure he is not seen to be contributing to her house otherwise she may get into trouble. Now I know you'd probably think if there was something dodgy going on then she wouldn't dare come out with a comment like but that's what my sister is like, she plays mind tricks and somehow in her head bekwives she is doing nothing wrong.

Now I'm not sure no for sure if he does or doesn't contribute to bills/food etc but they are still carrying on like they are in a couple so surely that is wrong and could be deemed as still being a couple in the eyes of benefits system?

So I suppose what I'm asking is this typical behaviour for a single parent and a couple who chosen to separate? My sister lives the life of Riley, or out every weekend, always buying new clothes, splurging loads of money on my niece and nephews yet to me, If she genuinely is single and not earning too good money (which she doesn't ) then surely she wouldn't be able to afford to piss her money up the wall and live the way she does?

I know i probably reek of resentment and to be honest sometimes I am a bit, but it's mainly because I bekwives she is lying to me, and that he has staged this break up just to claim money she's not entitled to. I have genuine single friends, some who earn decent money and they can't afford to go out every Saturday night, they can't afford to have expensive hair cuts/manicure/lunches out with friends like my sister does, they are barely surviving, so what am I missing?

OP posts:
DownWithThisTypeOfThing · 17/04/2015 19:56

who the fuck goes on holiday with their ex partner?

Andrew & fergie
Chris & Gwyneth...

NataliaBaker · 17/04/2015 19:57

Ah bugger. Did anyone notice it's their first thread? I think we've been had for sure with this gift that keeps on giving.

MzunguMzungu · 17/04/2015 19:57

My first Biscuit

Original poster
Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 19:57

Oh yes of course it's made up, ofcourse! She's admitted it because deep down she knows that I know, but this is the first time I've asked her directly about it. She knows I won't report her so she's nothing I lose by admitting the truth to me. And as for me being aggressive, I'm not, I just do not believe ONE poster out of what, about 20? And fail to understand how going on holiday with her "ex" will benefit her children? I'm all for being amicable and being together for say birthdays, Christmas etc but going on holiday together and doing each other's DIY....that's just weird.

OP posts:
scallopsrgreat · 17/04/2015 19:59

My parents came on holiday with us last year. They've been separated/divorced since 1987 Grin.

Every single mother I know (and let's face it, it's mothers you are trying to bash here - only seeing recriminations against your sister, for example) works full time, lives in their own house, claims some benefits (not those fictional single parent benefits), oh and is over 35. Most of them have feckless abusive exes too. Perhaps you could take your benefit outrage out on the thousands of ex husbands for financially abusing their children, instead. That would be a more productive and worthy cause.

Original poster
Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 19:59

No actually it's not my first post, I've changed my name for the purpose of annominity, as I know people who use this site, however that doesn't mean "you've been had"

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 17/04/2015 20:04

And fail to understand how going on holiday with her "ex" will benefit her children?

I explained this to you in my last post, its because you lack the imagination necessary to understand it.

Original poster
Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 20:19

No, more like I fail to believe utter bullshit! Four of my close friends are single, at least 10 of my work friends/colleagues are single and none of them go on holiday with their ex's "just to keep the children happy" it's bollocks!

OP posts:
Gruntbaby · 17/04/2015 20:21

I know at least 3 divorced and separate couples (two well qualified professionals in their thirties/forties) who are still on very amicable terms, with the woman living with the children but the father able to come and go. They go on day trips together, they sometimes go on holiday together. In one case the child is very small still so the mother works very few hours and the father (naturally) contributes. They are good friends. Both get invited to the same things.

In part of my family a couple who split up due to the dh realising he was gay still holiday together, with the new partner. I've also attended a wedding where the divorced parents of the bride still get on and all sat together with the newer partner too.

I'm not in this situation as I am married to my dh. However it may be worth mentioning that I still go out with my exes and my dh has also become friends with them and sees them on his own. Their partners are friendly with me. We go to each other's weddings etc.

Mature people with decent exes are perfectly capable of getting on well with each other. Often a relationship breaks down but you still like the person you married, or still love them in some way, just not romantically. So why should you lose the friendship too? Especially if there are children involved.

Quiero · 17/04/2015 20:23

Well like you said, she's admitted it so why are you still whining on about it?

NataliaBaker · 17/04/2015 20:26

You are being aggressive. And nasty for the sake of it to one poster just because you are too stupid to consider how it might work for the children. God forbid anyone remain friends after they break up. Especially people with children. How dare they.

SurlyCue · 17/04/2015 20:29

Four of my close friends are single, at least 10 of my work friends/colleagues are single and none of them go on holiday with their ex's

Wow! 14 people! Out of how many single parents in the world? I guess that's a definitive answer then isnt it? Hmm

Original poster
Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 20:29

Because I'm still getting abuse from people on here! I've already said that families are unique and will have their own set up but going back to my original question, which was is this set up of my sisters typical. And instead of just answerinf yes, no etc, I get accused of being jealous and I'm told to mind my own business and concentrate on my own life.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 17/04/2015 20:32

I went on holiday with my ex. My dc were not at all confused and in fact I would put their total overall lack of distress at the split down to how we handled it.

Are you as this narrow minded and obtuse in every area of your life? You seem to have the emotional intelligence of a washing up brush from what you've posted here.

Original poster
Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 20:32

I would most likely remain friends with my husband if God forbid we were to ever separate but I know in my heart of hearts I could not have him in my life like we were still a couple. I would ofcourse allow him to see his children, I would want him around for Christmas and their birthdays but their is no chance whatsoever I would allow him to come and go in my home whenever he pleased. Boundaries would be set, for the sake of me and for the sake of our children ensuring that they knew what the set up was, there would be no way their dad would be allowed to holiday with us.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 17/04/2015 20:35

But that's YOU. That's only how YOU would do things. Perhaps your dc would find your lack of flexibility and me, me, me attitude made a split more distressing for them? Who knows?

NataliaBaker · 17/04/2015 20:35

So because you couldn't manage it, anyone else who does (like the poster you swore at up thread) can't either? Yeah, okay!

Original poster
Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 20:36

So because you and your husband went on holiday this helped your children deal with your separation that bit better? I really do doubt that! You may have worked really hard to ensure your children felt secure and that they were still loved, still going to see their father etc etc but you going on holiday as a couple I doubt would have had any affect whatsoever to the overall way you all got through it.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 17/04/2015 20:37

This is the problem with your posts. You can have no possible insight into my children's dealing with their parents split but you honestly think you know better Grin.

You are more ridiculous the more you post.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 17/04/2015 20:39

So will you report your findings to dwp/local council/hmrc then OP Hmm

Because that is what you should do.

I suspect though that your thread is bullshit you won't. Better to whinge and whine for whatever nefarious purpose you came her for.

wecanmanagenow · 17/04/2015 20:39

Hi, this is my first post so I hope I don't offend. Im a single parent, my ex husband has on occasion helped me with household diy, also has slept on my sofa after falling out with his parents and if he hadn't slept over wouldn't have been able to see the children. We try to remain friends for the children's sake.

Original poster
Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 20:39

No, it's not that I couldn't manage it, more like I wouldn't want to do it! Like I said if were to ever split up my children would still see their father but as the primary care giver it would be on my terms, ie I wouldn't allow him to turn up at my house unannounced, and to come in, put his feet up and watch TV and order food and eat together! I have really young children and that I know would confuse them.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 17/04/2015 20:40

And fail to understand how going on holiday with her "ex" will benefit her children?

2 people paying the bill could make an impossible holiday possible

2 parents there to share the childcare (which can be a fucking nightmare on holiday when navigating a strange place with tired, hot, excitable children)

Children getting to be on holiday with both parents, seeing them in a more relaxed state and getting to enjoy that.

Children seeing their parents getting along and supporting each other despite their differences, modelling good relationships and respectful behaviour.

Lovely memories of fun holidays with their parents. Possibly photograps to look back on. Whats not to love?

TheGirlFromIpanema · 17/04/2015 20:40

Nicki of course she does Grin

Now get back in your box you feckless LP you Wink

NickiFury · 17/04/2015 20:46

Great post surlycue I suspect it will not penetrate the OP's clueless, self righteousness though.