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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Genuine questions for single parents-Don't want to cause offence!

131 replies

Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 14:50

First off I just want to say that I hope I don't offend anyone, I just need to put my mind at rest as I'm currently in a situation with my younger sister were I think she has staged a break up with her partner in order to claim single parent benefits. I'll just state from the off, that I myself am married, so no, I have no idea what it must be like to have to raise children alone, I can only imagine that for some it must be incredibly difficult. I've suspected for a while now that my sister is on fiddle but i'd just like to get other people's perspectives as I'm not sure what is usual and typical behaviour when you're separated from your partner yet still trying to be amicable for the children.

From the start lol. They have three children together and they have been on/off breaking up for years. They own a house together but he has moved out and now lives at his grandads which is round the corner from where my sister now lives in her new rented council house! She claim they are not together but he is never away from her house. When he sees the kids it is always at my sisters house as he claims the kids can't go to his grandads house as he's too old.

So he hangs around the house like nothing has changed and then walks the 5 minute walk back to his grandads house. He still does diy jobs around the house for my sister, and has recently helped her decorate and fit carpets. They went on holiday together at Xmas claiming it was for the kids benefit, and if my sister goes out for a night out he will sleep over "on the couch"

Now like I said I've never been in the situation were I've been separated from my children's father and having work hard to keep it together for. Kids sake BUT surely this isn't normal?

My sister works 20 hours a week and claims tax credits, housing benefit, council tax the lot, and she quite openly said the other day that it's like her and her "ex" are a couple but there not! And that she makes sure he is not seen to be contributing to her house otherwise she may get into trouble. Now I know you'd probably think if there was something dodgy going on then she wouldn't dare come out with a comment like but that's what my sister is like, she plays mind tricks and somehow in her head bekwives she is doing nothing wrong.

Now I'm not sure no for sure if he does or doesn't contribute to bills/food etc but they are still carrying on like they are in a couple so surely that is wrong and could be deemed as still being a couple in the eyes of benefits system?

So I suppose what I'm asking is this typical behaviour for a single parent and a couple who chosen to separate? My sister lives the life of Riley, or out every weekend, always buying new clothes, splurging loads of money on my niece and nephews yet to me, If she genuinely is single and not earning too good money (which she doesn't ) then surely she wouldn't be able to afford to piss her money up the wall and live the way she does?

I know i probably reek of resentment and to be honest sometimes I am a bit, but it's mainly because I bekwives she is lying to me, and that he has staged this break up just to claim money she's not entitled to. I have genuine single friends, some who earn decent money and they can't afford to go out every Saturday night, they can't afford to have expensive hair cuts/manicure/lunches out with friends like my sister does, they are barely surviving, so what am I missing?

OP posts:

ouryve · 17/04/2015 16:51

And of course, if you genuinely think they're on the fiddle, why don't you just bloody report them instead of starting a confusing thread about it, here?

Original poster

Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 16:54

Why would they do that? Because then he lives rent free at his grandad's, she gets practically full housing benefit and other things ie council tax, lone parent tax credits, free nursery place for my 2 year old nephew etc etc plus their mortgage is currently being paid by their tenant, so between them neither of them have a full mortgage/rent to pay.

OP posts:

ouryve · 17/04/2015 16:58

So, if the break up is not genuine, report them. It will achieve far more than frothing about it.

NataliaBaker · 17/04/2015 16:59

So basically it boils down to you worrying that she's getting her mortgage paid for her? That's the real reason you're arsed isn't it. Why not just ask her? That'd give you a better idea than this.

GoGiYerHeedAWobble · 17/04/2015 17:02

She wouldn't have been handed a council house like that.

I got a house after many months when I escaped a violent ex, they checked into my background, police reports, bank statements etc. Even after that they didn't accept my application and I had to get help from Women's Aid and eventually they did, then I was in a refuge for months before being offered a house.

You just can't saunter up to a council and be given a house right away, especially when you own a property

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/04/2015 17:05

Presumably if the partner is living with his grandad then he's going to be paying a bit of keep, paying the difference between what it costs grandad to live alone, buying his food, paying his way etc. As long as he's maintaining a separate household and not contributing financially to your sister's household (except for child maintenance, spousal support, the odd gift) then nothing illegal is taking place. The welfare system is concerned with money and income and the financial construction of the household, not how often a non-resident parent sees his kids or how much time a separated couple spend together. They may be faking the separation on an emotional level, but as long as they are financially separate and running two separate households in the way they say they are, it's not technically fraudulent.

The council house situation doesn't sound entirely right, although isn't as usual as you might think - social housing isn't scarce everywhere, particularly not if you're prepared to take a hard-to-let property, and there's nothing to prevent homeowners from applying for social housing and being awarded it if their circumstances merit it (separation and not wanting to remain in the family home can qualify.)

Frankly, if your sister's relationship has been volatile and on-off for years then the current set-up may be an entirely better atmosphere for your nieces and nephews to grow up in, anyway.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/04/2015 17:10

Though to be fair, it sounds like they might be fiddling their tax somewhat, if they're renting out their mortgaged home and presumably not declaring the rental income. That would affect the level of benefit your sister would be eligible to receive slightly.

Original poster

Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 17:20

Why on earth would I care if her mortgage is being paid....are you serious? My mortgage is already paid in full and I'm only 34!

OP posts:

Spotifymuse · 17/04/2015 17:20

Original poster

Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 17:25

That's the thing though, they're not running two separate household and paying the own way separately. My sisters ex's grandad is absolutely minted so he does not ask anything in terms of rent, food etc, all he asks is that my sisters ex takes him shopping every Saturday morning as he cant drive! So my sister may be paying rent, council tax and all the bills at her house but he is not at his, and I don't believe for a second that he doesn't contribute towards her bills, they might all be in her name but that's about it!

OP posts:

Original poster

Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 17:28

And that's supposed to mean what Spotify?

OP posts:

NataliaBaker · 17/04/2015 17:29

I don't think it takes too much imagination to guess why someone who paid for their house would be jealous of someone getting theirs paid for them.

Cluesue · 17/04/2015 17:31

No way would they let her have a council house and rent out her own property,unless the house they own is in his name.
I spend Friday and Saturday nights at my ex's house as the children won't stay without me,not ideal but we make the best of it and get on well mostly(never argued in front of DD's)he will do DIY etc at mine and when he comes to see them on a Wednesday I cook him a meal,very civilized,but we are definitely not together

misstiredbuthappy · 17/04/2015 17:32

What are single parent benefits

Council's have realy long waiting lists, you certainly wouldn't be handed the keys over if you own your own home. I highly doubt.

Why do you care ? Im not being funny.

NickiFury · 17/04/2015 17:35

Firstly, when ex H and I split up it looked very like this. Mainly so our dc wouldn't be hugely affected. We tried to be very amicable and break up without a big shock to dc. He used to look after them when I went out and also would stay at weekends when I went away. It's perfectly normal. Breaking up where dc is involved is extremely hard to do. It's not possible to just cut ties and go straight to separate lives and child contact, well it wasn't for us.

Secondly, there may also be the possibility of abuse so the person who instigates the split is too scared to go for it 100% so withdraws gradually to minimise the possibility of angering the abusive partner.

Thirdly and finally, butt out and mind your own business. Try imagining that not everyone would do things how you do, then just leave them to it.

Original poster

Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 17:36

Jesus, my house is paid for, I'm now £917 a month better off so trust me, them getting the mortgage paid is not the issue! If I'd of wanted me and dh could have moved out, got a tenant in and paid significantly less in rented accommodation each month, but that's not something I ever wanted.

OP posts:

TheGirlFromIpanema · 17/04/2015 17:36

It seems they are probably not breaking any rules at all tbh. So long as he is living elsewhere then there is no problem.

It may be that the move to grandads was a calculated move to garner extra benefits, but really the miniscule amount of people who would have the opportunity for this type of set up are of no concern to me tbh.

What he contibutes to her will be classed as maintenance and not counted for purposes of calculating benefits. With good reason. I'd rather the odd person abuse the rules than have a change which saw many many more LP families plunged into uncertainty from month to month. Possibly into poverty.

One rule will never fit all, thats just the way it is.

Would you feel differently if the person providing the 'help' financially and who was around the house a lot was a new boyfriend rather than the ex? Would it help you to consider it like that?

I see what you are saying and I know it happens sometimes (artificial separation), but what alternative is there, realistically?

NataliaBaker · 17/04/2015 17:39

If you genuinely don't care about the money side of things (despite you moaning about him helping with her bills), I'm struggling to see your issue here. Your whole OP is whining about money and how she pisses it up the wall. You're jealous.

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/04/2015 17:39

What do you want from us? No, it's not "typical" for a separated couple to spend so much time together, because most people separate because they don't want to be together anymore. But some couples do do it, particularly if they want to retain normality for their children and don't want to be without them.

It's not "typical" for a 34-year-old to be mortgage-free, but that doesn't automatically mean you are so because you paid it off using the ill-gotten gains of your drug and racketeering empire, does it?

DioneTheDiabolist · 17/04/2015 17:40

OP, you clearly resent your sister. Stop wasting your life investigating and second guessing what she tells you and start to disengage from her.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 17/04/2015 17:41

Comtesse

I was trying to play along nicely with OP, but I do see your point

Original poster

Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 17:43

What alternative is there....what to committing benefit fraud, erm how about getting your shit together, and getting a better job or re training so that you earn more money. Now before I get lynched, I'm referring to my sister and no one else. I no that you can't just walk into decent jobs these days but in my sisters case she has already said that she won't take on my hours at work as she will then have her benefits reduced!

OP posts:

totallyjaded · 17/04/2015 17:47

I think I can see your point OP. The story she is telling you isn't adding up and you are wanting to know what her game is. I would too. Its dodgy as if you own a house you generally do not get as council house as if you leave your owned house you are making yourself intentionally homeless. her story is not adding up at all.

Original poster

Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 17:49

Why am I jealous? I couldn't and wouldn't want to live the way she does, constantly looking.
over my shoulder. I don't agree with what she does and how she is milking the system for all its worth, that does not make me jealous. I mean I don't agree with how my neighbours husband has just been done for supplying drugs, was found wth thousands of pounds/grams worth of stuff in his house but does that automatically make me jealous of their two brand new Mercedes sat on their drive, their new 50k kitchen, 10k spa/pool that they bought through the money they "earned"....no it doesn't.

OP posts:

chickenfuckingpox · 17/04/2015 17:51

sorry i thought you said she was working? she wouldnt be entitled to free nursery hours for the two year old if she was working

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