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Lone parents

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Original poster

Genuine questions for single parents-Don't want to cause offence!

131 replies

Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 14:50

First off I just want to say that I hope I don't offend anyone, I just need to put my mind at rest as I'm currently in a situation with my younger sister were I think she has staged a break up with her partner in order to claim single parent benefits. I'll just state from the off, that I myself am married, so no, I have no idea what it must be like to have to raise children alone, I can only imagine that for some it must be incredibly difficult. I've suspected for a while now that my sister is on fiddle but i'd just like to get other people's perspectives as I'm not sure what is usual and typical behaviour when you're separated from your partner yet still trying to be amicable for the children.

From the start lol. They have three children together and they have been on/off breaking up for years. They own a house together but he has moved out and now lives at his grandads which is round the corner from where my sister now lives in her new rented council house! She claim they are not together but he is never away from her house. When he sees the kids it is always at my sisters house as he claims the kids can't go to his grandads house as he's too old.

So he hangs around the house like nothing has changed and then walks the 5 minute walk back to his grandads house. He still does diy jobs around the house for my sister, and has recently helped her decorate and fit carpets. They went on holiday together at Xmas claiming it was for the kids benefit, and if my sister goes out for a night out he will sleep over "on the couch"

Now like I said I've never been in the situation were I've been separated from my children's father and having work hard to keep it together for. Kids sake BUT surely this isn't normal?

My sister works 20 hours a week and claims tax credits, housing benefit, council tax the lot, and she quite openly said the other day that it's like her and her "ex" are a couple but there not! And that she makes sure he is not seen to be contributing to her house otherwise she may get into trouble. Now I know you'd probably think if there was something dodgy going on then she wouldn't dare come out with a comment like but that's what my sister is like, she plays mind tricks and somehow in her head bekwives she is doing nothing wrong.

Now I'm not sure no for sure if he does or doesn't contribute to bills/food etc but they are still carrying on like they are in a couple so surely that is wrong and could be deemed as still being a couple in the eyes of benefits system?

So I suppose what I'm asking is this typical behaviour for a single parent and a couple who chosen to separate? My sister lives the life of Riley, or out every weekend, always buying new clothes, splurging loads of money on my niece and nephews yet to me, If she genuinely is single and not earning too good money (which she doesn't ) then surely she wouldn't be able to afford to piss her money up the wall and live the way she does?

I know i probably reek of resentment and to be honest sometimes I am a bit, but it's mainly because I bekwives she is lying to me, and that he has staged this break up just to claim money she's not entitled to. I have genuine single friends, some who earn decent money and they can't afford to go out every Saturday night, they can't afford to have expensive hair cuts/manicure/lunches out with friends like my sister does, they are barely surviving, so what am I missing?

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 17/04/2015 17:51

Now before I get lynched, I'm referring to my sister and no one else. I no that you can't just walk into decent jobs these days but in my sisters case she has already said that she won't take on my hours at work as she will then have her benefits reduced!

round and round and round you go....

FFS pay attention to your own life, and butt out.

Original poster
Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 17:52

Thank you Totallyjaded! I love my sister believe it or not but that doesn't mean I always have to like her or agree with everything she does. For the last year she has lied to me and has not stopped going on and on about poor poor me. Now I have friends who are genuinely lone parents and they are fantastic, they do a great job and their priorities aren't sitting around moaning all day, they just get on with it, oh and they earn good money but they've openly admitted they could not afford all the things my sister splurges on and they too don't know how she does it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 17:55

Omg! Yes she is working but she earns under the £16k threshold so that is how she got the place for my nephew! She actually earned just under 17k but she managed to get tax credits to accept she uses fuel for work, fuel allowance or something, so they knocked it off hence she was under the £16k cut off.

OP posts:
TheGirlFromIpanema · 17/04/2015 17:59

I don't think she is comitting benefit fraud though Hughesy... I think she/they have bent the rules so far they've almost snapped to suit themselves but if these types of rules were changed then other families would suffer iyswim? Also Grandad is colluding in this too...

If he has a place to live, and does so, then no rules are being broken. Its shit and i couldn't live with myself, but she obviously can Hmm

If you suspect they are actually living together really (not just girlfriend & boyfriend who happen to have dc together) then report her!

Simple as that.

She sounds like hard work from what you've said so I would also disengage completely and let her live her life. She will be buggered come the day all the benefits stop as the dc grow up and her earnings are too shit to live on.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 17/04/2015 18:02

I also suspect your sister is living on borrowings if her lifestyle is so massively inconsistent with her income...

I know a couple of people who live like this. Not sustainable by any means and one day the shit will hit the fan.

Original poster
Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 18:06

Well from the sounds of things it's not illegal but morally wrong. The thing is though I've seen loads of benefit threads on here and on netmums and the general consensus is that you can still be classed as couple dependent on the way you do things, ie holidaying together, eating meals together, doing each other's jobs round the home ie Diy etc, all of which my sister and her ex do! I mean right now my sister is out round Barrow for the night with friends, her "ex" is minding the kids at hers an then he will sleep over and have breakfast with them in the morning and then they are both taking my nephew to his football match and then both taking the three kids swimming after having lunch! That to me isn't a separated couple.

OP posts:
Hillingdon · 17/04/2015 18:15

Hughesy is bringing up something she is concerned about. Its almost as though some are saying , its fine, if she is on the fiddle just leave her to it. We will have someone else coming on shortly mentioning the bankers.

When I see threads like this some posters claim you cannot know much about the claimants situation. in this case its the sister so likely to know about the situation

If we all felt like this benefit fraud and claiming you are single when you are not would be rife (and I think its far more common that people think!)

Original poster
Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 18:20

That's exactly what it feels like. Everyone telling me to mind my own business, well I would if my dear sister wouldn't keep shoving it all down my throat and playing the helpless victim! Like I said I've got single parent friends and they all have their children's fathers involved but not to the degree my sister does! She has cleverly thought this out and she's not daft, she knows full well they are still a couple but if they have their bills sorted, separate bank accounts etc then nobody can accuse them of anything. Christ I could do the same, send dh to his parents house, I'd be minted then!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 18:52

Well I've bitten the bullet, I've messaged my sister asking her what the deal is, telling her I don't believe it all and she's told me the truth finally! Lets just say she is no longer a part of my life, I wouldn't let a man get away with lying to me and I'm not letting anyone else.

OP posts:
LittleMissRayofHope · 17/04/2015 19:02

Haven't read the whole thread.

Suspect from the first set of posts that you don't like the hostility you are getting and agree that you should concentrate on your own life and stop being jealous, and here is why:

I am now a single parent to dd 2.8 and DS 7months.
ExH lived 15 min walk away. He visits them almost daily. Frequently stays over to help out. We have a holiday planned for later this year.
We work better as a non couple then we did as a couple.

But despite this help single parenthood is fucking hard work.
He isn't there for the vast majority of the tantrums, wakings, teething, upsets, potty training, insecurities from nursery, disappointments, falls, knocks, bumps, disagreements, refusals to eat, sleep, brush teeth, dress, undress, put shoes on, take them off. Etc etc.

So it is possible to have this set up.
ExH is currently over seeing some building work in my flat as it's very dusty and dirty and I've taken the kids to my mums!

If they are being honest and it's all real then you should be pleased that he hasn't fucked off and abandoned his kids like so many dads do.
I know I'm lucky. Really lucky.

SurlyCue · 17/04/2015 19:21
Hmm
Coco0123 · 17/04/2015 19:22

So what's the truth that she's told you ....?

Original poster
Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 19:28

You're single, yes ok, it really sounds like it! You can dress it up all you like but if your "ex" is seeing your kids daily (which the majority of dads don't), he is doing jobs around your home (why don't you hire someone?) AND you're holidaying together (completely ridiculous IMO and probably confusing for the children) then YOU ARE A COUPLE!!!!

OP posts:
Kvetch15 · 17/04/2015 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 19:30

She's admitted that the whole thing is a scam and that they were "struggling" as they had lots of debt that they couldn't repay and they couldn't see another way out. And do you know what kills me? If she'd of only been upfront about what she was doing then that would of been something. I'm not saying I'd of still agreed with what she was doing but at least she wouldn't be lying to my bloody face!

OP posts:
MyOtherNameIsFunnier · 17/04/2015 19:31

HAVE

HAVE

HAVE

Not of.

SurlyCue · 17/04/2015 19:32

OP you clearly have no fucking clue what you are on about and no obvious desire to look beyond the end of your own nose and find out. You have a fixed idea in your head of what a single parent should look like and asked for opinions yet when the very people you asked gve you their own personal circumstances you make them out to be liars! Youre an idiot. Get a clue. You are ignorant.

Original poster
Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 19:32

Erm I don't need to move thank you, I live in a lovely four bed house in a very nice area, with excellent schools and a really good feel of community. You can get one bad apple no matter were you live, so why don't you keep your sarcastic comments to yourself!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 19:36

No actually, I've made one person out to be a liar, absolutely no one else. I have asked for opinions, you're right there, and I have listened to them, but in the end my own sister has just admitted to me the truth, so clearly I was right all along and she was on the fiddle. I have nothing but the upmost respect for my friends who are single parents, they put me to shame most of the time, but if it makes things easier, you can think of me as a single parent basher! I really do not care.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 17/04/2015 19:40

my own sister has just admitted to me the truth,

Exactly, your sister admitted being on the fiddle. That doesnt mean the poster you accused of lying is! How dare you think you know someone else's, a stranger's, circumstances better than they do themselves? Who do you think you are announcing them to be liars because they dont fit your idea of what a single parent is? As i said, you are ignorant. Get a clue.

NickiFury · 17/04/2015 19:40

You sound like an absolute dick.

Your sister is well out of it with you.

Original poster
Hughesy123 · 17/04/2015 19:44

I don't care that you think I'm a dick, not in the slightest. And just for the record I'm aware that every family have their own set up but seriously who the fuck goes on holiday with their ex partner? If you are truly separated from your husband partner whatever, and you have children, you would not do this, for one it must be confusing for the poor children.

OP posts:
MyOtherNameIsFunnier · 17/04/2015 19:49

Careful OP. Your posts are starting to make you sound like a mealy mouthed, ignorant, illiterate cuntweasel.

We wouldn't want that, now would we?

NataliaBaker · 17/04/2015 19:51

I think the holiday thing sounds lovely for the children. Children aren't thick. They can understand the concept of being friends.

As an aside, I am amused by how aggressive OP is becoming now. And how the sister has apparently admitted everything after denying it for donkeys. Its almost as if it was made up...

SurlyCue · 17/04/2015 19:54

who the fuck goes on holiday with their ex partner? If you are truly separated from your husband partner whatever, and you have children, you would not do this

Showing a huge lack of imagination there. I had considered enlightening you, in an attempt to answer your question but actually its clear you dont want to be enlightened. You have no desire to know why this would work for other people. You just want to judge it as wrong. Which is your right to do so of course but dont be so stupid to pretend it's a "genuine question" next time you feel the need to stick the boot into other people's lifestyles.