Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Christmas arrangements for dc & their dads...what do you do??

59 replies

Fluffybubble · 21/10/2006 17:34

My ex-h and I are about to launch into negotiations regarding our ds and how to manage christmas this year (this is our 2nd year apart, and the first christmas did not go well for any of us).

We have quite different views on how to proceed...how do you "split" your dc between you?? (Btw, ex-h will be staying about ten minutes away & our ds is nearly 3 - ex wants one of us to have ds from lunchtime on christmas eve to lunchtime on christmas day, and the other to have ds from lunchtime on christmas day to lunchtime on boxing day).

What works for you??!

Thanks.

OP posts:

singyswife · 21/10/2006 17:37

Hi, I dont have any experience of this myself but my friend and her dh split. Mum has DD on Christmas day and dad has child on Christmas night and boxing day. This lets dad (and his new family) enjoy xmas day with no other children and lets mum (and new family) enjoy xmas day with all the children but have xmas night alone. Works for them.

ditzymum · 21/10/2006 17:44

I've been split up for 3 years and have never let my xp have them for Xmas day, the first year I did take them to his Mum's for tea and he was there , the second year I wouldn't let him have them because I had my new partners family over and I didn't want them to feel excluded.

This year, he's asked if he can have them Xmas afternoon and I've said yes, but I'll miss them like crazy. I think I'll just drink myself into oblivion!!

kimi · 21/10/2006 17:57

xDH will be spending christmas with me, our children and my NP as well as my mum and sister, then we will be going to him for boxing day.

I know its hard to not have your children with you, but unless there is a good reason they should not be around their dad (drunk, addict, perv, violent) then there are going to be times that you have to be without them as you are BOTH their parents.

muma3 · 21/10/2006 18:04

i have been sharing xmas for about 6 years now. its complicated as i have 2 exp and 2 dc to share them with . dd1 used to go to her dads xmas afternoon and dd2 went to her nans (exh lived with her ) then the next year we would swap.
this year is going to be hard as it isnt my year but we have dd3 /dd1 doesnt see her dad anymore, so...
i think we will have them again and maybe they will both (dd1 and dd2) stay at dd2 nans xmas night.

told you it was complicated but we have to share them around so much.
they love it they get prezzies from 2 sets of parents and 4 sets of grandparents (not my m or f )they have about 3 xmas in total and we just celebrate all week !!

muma3 · 21/10/2006 18:06

plus its our first in new house

winnie · 21/10/2006 18:14

x and I spend xmas day together with the children from early in the morning. I am not sure this is practical forever but it is what we did last year and what we will do this year.

Original poster

Fluffybubble · 21/10/2006 18:33

My ex-h has kind of blown me out of the water a bit with his suggetion, which is logical but a bit upsetting.

I really value the fact that ex (& his family) want to see ds over christmas and my initial (v vague!) thoughts had been to suggest that ex take ds for some time on christmas eve then bring him back to do carrots for reindeer bit in early eve. Then, on christmas day, I was going to suggest that ex comes round early to see ds open presents, and then take ds to see his parents for a few hours. Boxing day would be similar to christmas eve...

I was considering the 3 days to be separate, and really want ds to stay the night at home, as will be manic enough anyway, and ex is only staying 10 mins away.

Ex thinks that he has been reasonable (and I can see his logic) and that he has given me a choice as I can choose between having ds on christmas eve or christmas day. My ideas seem complicated in comparison, and I think that ex is going to object strongly . His reason for wanting ds overnight is to be able to do christmas morning / present opening.

I really admire you all for being so civilised and making it work, in tricky circumstances!

OP posts:

LittleScarer · 21/10/2006 19:27

I having my dd at my dads for Christmas Eve and Christmas day morning and then we are both going to ex's at lunchtime and she will stay Christmas night. Much easier for me as it means I will with her all day (dd is 2.7) but in general I think your ex's idea is quite fair. We may do something similar in the future, at the moment we are both single with similar friends so it easy to do it this way but I can imagine it will be more complicated in years to come!

Good luck!

7up · 21/10/2006 19:41

my ex is an arse and only has supervised visits by my mother and since he was a complete arse on his last visit he can visit only on his set day which is a tuesday from 3.30 to 5pm.this falls on boxing day and i will be at my sisters with my sons and all my family who will be polite if he shows but cant stand him.im hoping he'll not bother or feel out of place and piss off. my ds doesnt know him as dad anyway,split before born and hasnt got a clue about socialising with a toddler.cant really tell i dont want him in our lives can you!!

Emskilou · 21/10/2006 19:45

My exh is an arse, hasn't seen our dd since 26th July last year and hasn't met our ds yet so christmas will be pretty easy I think, last time I spoke to him he merrily told me he was moving to Slovakia, poor Slovakia is all I can say

7up · 21/10/2006 19:47

emskilou,wish mine would piss off, make life a lot easier

Emskilou · 21/10/2006 19:50

I think all exh/p's that are arses should move to an island somewhere, with lots of mirrors so they can all admire themselves because that is all they admire. I certainly dont admire mine, ugly fecker, found a picture of him online at the nightclub he used to manage the other day, bleurgh! my babies get their looks from me thank feck

Amanda1 · 22/10/2006 00:33

Message withdrawn

WereWABBITT · 22/10/2006 01:02

Emskilou - wish my exP would sod off too - love the island idea - my ex would hogg all the mirrors though, he loves himself that much!

I'm fortunate that he's arranged to do overtime at work this christmas.

SofiaAmes · 22/10/2006 05:04

My dh was never allowed to spend any part of xmas day with 2 of his children. Any year, ever. I think the biggest losers were the children. His evil ex (he has two, one of whom isn't so evil) would tell the children his presents were crap and often "lose" them a few days after xmas. We now just put money in a bank account for when the kids are grown, since his ex made sure that it was a holiday that he would never be able to joyfully share with his children. However, in contrast, although his other ex wouldn't let him have their dd on xmas day, she did make it all nice and we sometimes even did joint presents with her. We had more money than her so would contribute more, but as far as their dd was concerned, the present came equally from both the ex and my dh and I think it really made things nice and special.
I think that whatever you manage to do and the more you can manage to do together with your ex (joint presents really are effective) for your ds on xmas, the better it will be for you and even more importantly for him.

Frizombie · 22/10/2006 08:09

ss spends one xmas here and one xmas at his mums, we usually do the swap over on boxing day, so this year goes like this:
Break up from school on Thur/Fri (sorry don't actually know which at this point in time his mum hasn't told us yet, and we live in a different county) and we have him until Boxing day am, when he'll go back upto his mum and stepdads, then we'll pick him up again sometime after new year, next year we'll get him on Boxingday and take him back after New Year, this arrangement also means him mum and stepdad get to party once every two years without babysitters (we don't as we have 2 dd's!)
Hope you find something that works well for you.

bonkerz · 22/10/2006 08:20

we take it in turns with my DSD. One uear we have her for christmas and she goes back the day after boxing day and the next year her mum has her for christmas and we have her for new year!!! This year is our year without her

sanchpanch · 22/10/2006 09:39

not sure what i will do this year 2nd one alone, last year we went to my brothers and ex had dd on boxing day....
it is hard because dd 1 doesnt see her dad, all she knew was ex and she called him daddy, when he left he just wanted to see dd2.. dd1 was 7 at the time and took this veyr hard,

so now what ever we do the girls get split up, which might be noce as dd2 who is 3 tends to ruin dd1; s games, so she might get some time alone to play with her new pressies, mat=ybe i will kepp a special one aside for her to open when dd2 goes to daddies, probably on xmas day afternoon...

best wishes to you all it can be a miserable time of year for split families, but i hope your's is ok

Surfermummystomb · 22/10/2006 10:05

For 8 years dsd came to us from Boxing Day morning for a week. This meant that from the age of 2 dh never saw her getting excited on Christmas Eve, never did the reindeer food/hanging up stocking stuff and never saw her waking up and opening her presents. I can't imagine how Christmas must have been for him missing out on all that .

Last year was the first year dsd was with us Christmas Eve and Boxing Day, as it worked out that it was dh's weekend to have her anyway. It was very special.

Since then dsd (10) has been really clear that she now wants to spend one Christmas with her mum and siblings there, and the next with us and her sister here. Hopefully that will happen from now on, but it isn't what the Court Order says, so we are reliant on her mum agreeing.

It must be agonising for you Fluffybubble. I can understand how you feel. But I can equally understand your x's point of view. He is her parent too and he will want to be with her as much as you. It does sound very sensible what he's suggesting, but yours isn't unreasonable either. At least with yours he would get to see the carrot thing and the opening of presents thing, with his suggestion he wouldn't - unless he's going to do it all on Christmas Day again. From your ds's point of view (my dd is 3 too) would possibly be less chaotic and less tiring for him. I don't know actually, I'm torn! Fat lot of use I am then!!

Good on you though for discussing it with him and trying to work out a good solution so you are both involved.

7up · 22/10/2006 11:05

surfsmummy, can they include xmas,birthdays etc on the court order then?sorry for intrusion onthis thread, info that would help me out

iPodthereforiPoor · 22/10/2006 11:43

mine can cock-off if he thinks he's having xmas - I do all the hard work week in week out so why should I loose out on the special days of the year? He wouold want him opn a wet and windy sunday when you can go out so thats my reward for staying sane - to do all the nice christmas traditions and be with my family even if it is just DS and me

babywhiting · 22/10/2006 11:59

my exh isnt having the kids if he cant afford to see them or call them enough then he isn't having a nicey nicey day just givng them prezzies.
i asked him for some money to buy both kiddies boots and new coat each he said i cant afford it....where is he at the mo? somewhere abroad with his new wife and sd!!! no postcard sent to the kids hes such an idiot all i want for christmas is a ticket for him to that exh island!!!!!he is sooooo ugly yuk!!!

7up · 22/10/2006 13:22

love the last two messages

never heard of "cock-off" before

Original poster

Fluffybubble · 22/10/2006 14:05

Thanks for all of your replies .

I guess that whatever we do this year may well set a precedent for the future. It is so hard to be objective when it is such a big time in your dc's lives.

I know that my ex really wants to be part of christmas & that my ds loves his daddy and needs to see him but there is an element of wanting to play daddy on high days and holidays imo...is so hard to be grown up!

Love the idea about the island, though , may have to be a pretty big one at this rate!

OP posts:

Surfermummystomb · 22/10/2006 16:34

Hi 7up. The Court ordered Christmas contact in dh's case. I think basically if one parent is asking for something and the other is refusing the Court will make an order. They prefer it if the two parties can come to an agreement as they feel it's better to have contact agreed, rather than imposed. Does that help? [smile}

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread