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Original poster

Christmas arrangements for dc & their dads...what do you do??

59 replies

Fluffybubble · 21/10/2006 17:34

My ex-h and I are about to launch into negotiations regarding our ds and how to manage christmas this year (this is our 2nd year apart, and the first christmas did not go well for any of us).

We have quite different views on how to proceed...how do you "split" your dc between you?? (Btw, ex-h will be staying about ten minutes away & our ds is nearly 3 - ex wants one of us to have ds from lunchtime on christmas eve to lunchtime on christmas day, and the other to have ds from lunchtime on christmas day to lunchtime on boxing day).

What works for you??!

Thanks.

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 22/10/2006 17:08

Most courts will order alternate Christmas and Boxing days. So you might as we agree that and it's fair if someone is doing his 50% childcare and paying half their costs throughout the year.

skippydog · 22/10/2006 18:45

I have bitten the bullet the last 5 years and invited my ex to stay for Xmas - he is in England and I am in Scotland so nothing else would really work.I don't like him being here at all but 4ds to put first.
Might be more difficult if either of us had another partner though.

SofiaAmes · 23/10/2006 03:54

skippydog, your sacrifice is worth it and your ds will be happier throughout life for it. Well done!!!

cath28 · 23/10/2006 10:40

personally my dd and i always spend christmas eve and christmas day together, then the other days are up to my ex.. this year he is collecting her boxing day morning and will have her till 30 december and do his christmas with her then. he quite likes this arrangement as he and his new partner can go out on xmas eve and can have a lazy xmas day and i like the arrangement because neither my daughter nor i could be apart on xmas morning! i think it depends on the circumstances. i don't see my stance on this as selfish - my ex lives a long way away, 4 or 5 hours drive, and only sees my dd about once every 3 weeks, for a night or two.. and i feel strongly that she should have xmas at home with me till she is old enough to travel alone, choose where she wants to be etc, at which time i'll never stand in her way even if it does hurt! but certainly under the age of 5 i think where possible children should be with their mums.

fluffy i think you'd be totally within your rights to say to your ex that he can see your ds in the day but not over night - you call the shots!!

brightwell · 23/10/2006 17:17

My children spend Christmas with me one year and their dad the next. They are going to their dad's this Christmas, they go Christmas eve afternoon and come home Boxing day afternoon. This first year they went to their dad's I was dreading it, but it wasn't too bad, a bottle of Bailey's and a tin of Roses and tv. Now I arrange to work Christmas when they are away.

7up · 23/10/2006 19:52

blimey brightwell, so you dont get any of the 3days with yours at all, that must be tough

Bugsy2 · 23/10/2006 20:44

We have split it before, so that the children do Christmas eve & half Christmas day with one of us & half Christmas day & Boxing day with the other one. Seems to work quite well. Children get far, far too many presents but other than that it is fairly manageable.
Ex-H suggested that we might spend it all together this year - but I would rather eat my own poo than spend Christmas with him - so that definitely won't be happening!

Murphee · 23/10/2006 21:24

Our first year, plan is DD and exH at mine Christmas day then, he goes home, collects DD to take to his parents Boxing Day. To be fair he isn't an arse and doesn't need to go to ex-island (though love the concept) he just doesn't/never has loved me. Expect it to get more difficult when we have other partners. Good friend whose parents divorced when she was 3 says Christmas for her were good when all parents/new partners spent Christmas together and she is now in awe of their effort on her behalf. Hated it as she got older and they wanted her to choose where she went - whatever she did she knew she was upsetting someone.

fizzo · 24/10/2006 08:28

Is anyone actually looking forward to xmas?? Its my 1st as a mum and now have to deal with who sees him when?? had been excited in the past, am dreading it now!! Is that wrong????

7up · 24/10/2006 09:39

no not wrong at all!too be honest i like the build up of xmas and once xmas morning has gone i get bored of all the old films and want life to get back to normal

and im sure when my ds is older il be on here moabning and asking advice like everyone else

i define xmas as being very expensive, having to spend half thefollowing year paying the overdraught and fraught with tension/rows with family and exes!blimey, im a misery

Original poster
Fluffybubble · 24/10/2006 22:00

fizzo - no, feel exactly the same!

Is horrible that it comes to dividing up your dc's time this way, but I am coming to realise that this is now the way it has to be.

I think that all you can do is make sure that your dc have a great time, ultimately it is only a couple of days...

(If I repeat this often enough to myself, it might sink in!!! I am dreading it!!!)

OP posts:
12yeargap · 26/10/2006 14:40

I never used to let my ex have my son on christmas day.

He chose to break up the family.
He doesn't get to ruin Christmas for me. I always used to let him have boxing day, I thought this was generous considering.

He's out of the picture altogether now

good.

Marne · 26/10/2006 14:53

We always have dh's kids on boxing day, i would'nt expect they're mother to let us have them xmas day, we pick them up in the morning and they stay for as long as they want. It works out good for all of us and the kids get 2 christmas's.

otto · 26/10/2006 15:07

We do altnernate Christmas and New Year - if dp and I have his daughter for Christmas her mum will have her for New Year and vice versa. As the school holiday is usually two weeks, we have her for a week give or take a couple of days depending when the holidays fall and work commitments. It works well. She always knows where she's going to be and seems happy with the arrangement. That said, if it was my ds that was going away for Christmas I would hate it and probably put up a real fight.

otto · 26/10/2006 15:08

We might change the arrangement if dp's ex spent Christmas nearby, but she always goes away, so this works out best.

howlidaymum · 26/10/2006 15:17

We both have exes to deal with so it gets complicated! I get on well with mine and he comes to us at Christmas, kids open pressies with him and me and he stays for lunch too. Kids love it.

Dh has an evil ex and who always tries to change plans. Dsd likes to split the day between both families so one year she is with us in the morning and the next with us in the afternoon.

THat is how she wants it and likes it to be.
Her mum used to insist on alternating days completely but dsd poo poo'd it as we all live close by and as she rightly says she wants to see all her family on Christmas day as she loves them all.

Christmas is for the kids not the adults imo and I wish more adults would try to accommodate the kids wishes in all this. Often both adults are at fault in a breakup, not always I admit, so why should the kids suffer at such a special time for them?

maggiesmama · 26/10/2006 15:35

my ex has phoned my daughter three times in the last 5 1/2 months. he didnt call or send a card on her birthday, and then had the gall to tell me he was hurt he got nothing from her on his (and when i pointed out the above, he said 'its not tit for tat' - obviously, but since he always behaves like a twat, i am always 'responding', if that makes sense. and, fro what its worth, i sent nothing on the adivce of you lot. because when my dd is older she can send something, but for now, why bother?)

anyway, the point is - i raise her alone, with barely any financial help from him, let alone any practical help (from him or his family). i would be hard pushed to have him see her, because i cant rely on him to be there consistently, and i wont have her messed around. if he isnt interested enough to call, why would i complicate our christmas to include him. she'll just have to go through the 'loosing him' thing all again.

the irony in all this, is that we will be spending a day with his ex and her daughter (my dd's half sister) and all their family. its funny, isnt it, where you find your 'family'?

howlidaymum · 26/10/2006 18:17

its sad that some parentts don't want to know, he will missout on so much! Good that you get on with his ex though so some positive from it and the kids get to play together!

nutcracker · 26/10/2006 18:19

Am gonna read this thread with interest once I have done the tea.

This will be my first xmas a single mum and at the moment I haven't a clue what is happeneing.

I don't mind xp coming round to see the kids on xmas morning but I don't want him staying for dinner, is that selfish ?? I just wouldn't enjoy it.

howlidaymum · 26/10/2006 18:21

It was tough for me the first year but we split quite amicably so I just gritted my teeth and put up with it for the kids sake. Tbh I get more satisfaction out of seeing them happy plus I spend a certain amount of time in the kitchen cooking so he helps entertain the kids!

TerrbileTwos · 20/12/2006 15:46

not my experience since my DS has never known his dad so i don't need to worry about sharing Xmas but my brother and his wife split (actually quite gruesome and very un-amicable including down-right lies on her part and sheer stupidity on my brother's part) but every christmas since they split my brother goes to the house on Christmas eve, does the whole stockings & letters for santa and carrots for rudolph thing then goes to my mums. Christmas morning he is back at the house to watch the kids open their presents, then they all have dinner together (usually at a restaraunt cos my ex SIL wouldn't know a kitchen if it bit her on the arse) then he puts the kids to bed and goes to my (other) brothers house.
Boxing day is our family party day so allthe kids come to my parents then so everyone wins

JustUsTwoTurtleDoves · 20/12/2006 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aimsmum · 20/12/2006 16:11

Message withdrawn

eefs · 20/12/2006 16:21

ex-p stays with me christmas eve so he's there for the present opening etc in the morning. I've invited him to stay for the day but I think he has made plans. Next year I think he wants to have them for Christmas night which I will find hard but I've agreed.

I do think christmas is about children so will make any sarcrifice to ensure they have great christmas memories of both of their parents. I may not particularly like or respect ex-P but that's not really relevant when it comes my sons.

happyatlast · 21/12/2006 09:10

My two children have different dads, and for christmas eve and christmas morning the kids are with me always, they open their presents here cos that is what they said they wanted, on christmas day at about tea time my kids will be both going to their dads and staying over the night, then they will be coming back to me late boxing day.

My dp has a daughter and she will be staying with her mum as normal on christmas eve/christmas morning but my dp and I will go to visit her on christmas day after my kids have gone their dads so she gets to see her dad on christmas day too, then on new years eve, well I always stay in, ever since I became a mum, and my kids will be with me and dp and so will his daughter, should be fun, and new yrs day I'm working so dp has got to look after all three of them!

Can I just say, why is it that even though sometimes new yrs eve falls on the day when my kids go their dads, how come it doesnt apply to new yrs eve, why do they get to go out all the time? Last year it was on a sat night and my kids go their dads on a sat night but it seemed to go without saying last year that they would be staying with me on that night, I dont get it?? Cant I go out? I dont expect to go out every year and I wouldnt want to to be honest but I've not been out on new yrs eve for about 10yrs and I really want to this year, but lasts life I guess, will have to wait until my kids are older!