Fed up with not having anyone to share the burdens with.

[Solo]

Bit of a self pitying thread really, but it's taken me a very long time and I can now say with conviction that after being on my own for so long...

I am fed up with the burden of being alone.
I am fed up with struggling on my own.
I am sometimes lonely.
I have no single parent friends or single friends at all and my 'social life' ha! what a joke is visiting my widowed Mum or visiting my Brother.
I miss my Dad terribly.
I can't get a job.
Not one 'friend' has spoken to me so far this summer holiday (except one that lives on cloud fluffyland in her mansion and that really cheers me up because shopping is her passtime!).

I could write a very long list of problems and yes, I know we all have problems, but I just don't want to do it on my own any longer, I don't want to face the problems on my own :( I could cry right now and need a real 'man hug' and I don't care who knows it!

My mum and stepdad have dd about once every 3/4months.

Sorry to moan im just tired I think.

Great thread!

I,m a LP too, but he's 23 now and at uni so a lot easier now. I,ve been a LP since he was 6 months old. I never had any money or contact from his dad. (Long story, we,re in touch with the family though which I think is important for DS, to know his "other half").

It has exhausted me. My parents were great as he was growing up, he would go over for half term if I was working. They are both dead now.

I find it hard to have an active social life. I,m in my 50,s and most people are either in a relationship or not keen to go out any more.

Great to read about the alternative stuff! and wonderful no-one denigrating the "woo"

I have Reiki 1 and done lots of study of all kinds of healing. Am into astrology too!
There's a very good site astro dot com which you can check out your chart and it,s all free. If you don,t know your birth time just use midday. Will give you an idea anyway. They give a basic explanation.

Oh, I don,t live in UK so no meet ups, sorry.

Remember, we are powerful women to be doing it all solo.

Pathetic men with their pathetic comments about night lights. Ha! Let them walk a mile in your shoes, eh?!

Reading some of the threads on relationships can really put it all into perspective. I think, well, at least I don't have to put up with that shite!
I,ve had my fair share of awful relationships, abuse, etc. so also count my blessings. And the biggest blessing is that DS never had to grow up in such an awful atmosphere with a lousy role model.
DS has turned into a wonderful young man, working, studying, polite, sociable, big group of friends, etc. and I AM THE ONE WHO CAN PAT MYSELF ON THE BACK! [GRIN]

Oops, that was supposed to be of course.....

It's Ok to moan on this thread! moan away. Where else and who else can we moan at? it's tough doing this job.

Ifly welcome! :) sounds like you've done a fabulous job with your son :)

Thanks for that web site; I will be looking on there too; see if I can see anything positive coming up.

mistired I often feel like a crap mum. With my rational head on though, I'm pretty sure that neither of us are .

I'm over analytical about everything it's exhausting! That's my trouble, I think. Not that I am a crap mum, but that I spend too much time and energy wondering how I could be a better mum, and whether or not I handled x,y and Z as well as I could.

Tricky I completely relate to what you said about feeling 12yrs old again!

Because my parents were (and still are) so supportive and I couldn't have worked or gone to Uni without them, it was as if it gave them a right to interfere in a way that I don't think they would have if I had been married/in a relationship.

They were brilliant though, but I paid a price, and the price was my independence. If I ever made a decision, they would always make me doubt it by suggesting it wasn't the right thing to do, or would just overrule me/ be incredibly disapproving, which chipped away at my self belief.

Tbh, I could have done it without them, but my mum sort of conned me into thinking that I couldn't do it without them. If I'd opted to pay for childcare part of the time, things might have been better. I remember my mum's reaction when I said that I was thinking of getting a job/going to uni, and needed to look into childcare, her words were "Over my dead body will anybody else look after my DGD!"

I should have stood my ground, but didn't, because I was young, was going through a messy break up and felt indebted to them because they had been initially horrified so supportive once they'd got over the shock of my pregnancy, and then the fact that me and DD's dad were splitting up.

It was unhealthy, tbh. As my DD got older, she became a bit too emotionally attached to them, too. Things are a lot more balanced now, and my younger DCs have a more normal relationship with their GP's. My parents no longer feel the need/think they have the right to be the centre of any of my children's lives, thank goodness, and anyway DD is old enough to see it for what it is (i.e. controlling, albeit subtle and gentle controlling behaviour.)

Wow, it's quite cathartic writing all this down! I haven't thought about all this for so long!

Misfit you do realise of course don't you that the husbands interfere too so you just can't win lol.

Yes I can understand the strain of family dynamics though.

I think the older generations can be rather controlling in their approach to start with by and large as they had fewer options when they were growing up. It seems to be a prevalent theme. My older cousin (nearly 7) has had a stab at that which I find most offputting.....! Giving controlling unsolicited advice over the telephone!!

I see both sides here, im lonely fed up with no one to share the burdens with. But ex is on n off in ds life sporadically and he gives me hell. and my sis n her husband bicker so much so after a day round therei get relieved to not be listeningto it lol x

Oops I should have typed my older cousin is nearly 70....! Seems to think she has all the answers after one long happy marriage and two well turned out children. Unsolicited 'advice' drives me nuts!

misfit that's good you've managed to adjust the boundaries now. I have something like that with my parents, in that I honestly couldn't do it without them and I did/do pay for childcare too. Luckily, it's not too bad most of the time but sometimes I do feel like a 12 year old for how much I depend on them.

I'm in NW london, with one DS aged 5, exH lives abroad and DS never developed a bond with him (left when he was 2) and sees him sporadically over skype but doesn't ask for him. And of course, he's never paid any kind of maintenance, but sends a bday present every year, yay him!

Thank you iflyaway your post is so positive. You are right we ARE poweful women to be doing it solo :)

I need to concentrate on my Positive Mental Attitude I think

You sound exactly like me misfitles I overthink things to much, and panic that im not doing a good enough job of bieng a mum, im just bieng silly I know .

I feel better today all organised for dd going back to school, housr clean an tidy, dd playing happily in the garden and a big fat lasagne in the oven a good nights sleep works wonders doesnt it

I know what ypu mean honey86 my friends are slways moaning about there partners and have to ask them permission to go on a night out or buy something ... I couldnt and wouldnt do that.

As much as I get lonely I don't think I could live with someone again, im too used to my own space, company and routine.

I agree with your last sentence completely misstired; don't know that it is possible now!!

:)

I guess they may have to ask their partners if they can have a night out to share the childcare load?

Yes I don't think I would appreciate having to justify spending to a partner now that sounds very controlling in my view these days - although I have endured that in the past. Most men tend to not understand the need for new clothing and 'fluff' for the home. Sometimes I wonder what on earth the point of one is other than gardening DIY sex and massage and they are not all good at all of those either!!

"Most men tend to not understand the need for new clothing and 'fluff' for the home."

Oh god yes this struck a chord with me! Something had to be literally in pieces before my STBXH would consider replacing it. I remember once going round Dunelm with him saying it'd be nice to have new lampshades for the living room to spruce things up (I was paying as well!!) and on and on he went about how there was nothing wrong with the ones we'd got and I was being wasteful and frivolous and he sulked and stropped. He was like this over anything to do with the home, he stripped all joy out of it for me.

New lamps, curtains, rugs, bedding, pictures and lots more all purchased in the 2 years he's been gone.

This is a nocturnal message ladies I just couldn't stay asleep! It's 3 a.m. lol. I often go like this in the week before the menstrual is due, if that isn't too much information!

Yes TrickyTree men can sap the veritable joy out of our being some are real killjoys with spending aren't they.

My 2nd partner was certainly the easiest to live with (there has been 4 of them cohabitation wise) but he still poured cold water over a lot of ideas of mine it is like sometimes when people lack vision and they seem quite linear perhaps this is a male tendency too I just can't think linear the whole time it is depressing.

I think the only way to go is to one fine day find a partner I can cope with (and likewise back!) and just pitch for a part-time non cohabitating option.....

There is a certain freedom to making our own decisions isn't there and once we are conditioned to remain that way for years on end it is very hard to unlearn that skill and have to compromise with another on a daily basis. My main problem with living alone is I am always short of money although there is next to no mortgage there is really very little left over to play with once everything is paid out having said that the cost of living has shot up these past few years and I know I should be grateful that we can afford to eat well and pay bills on time but there isn't much 'treat' money for us so that gets me down!

My second xh was terrible with money; he would spend and spend and spend on things we didn't need (he liked to look flash whilst I am not that way inclined), but he'd sell them on really quickly at a huge loss! I got him out of financial trouble so often and to this day, he owes me a lot of money and I know I'll never see it. He did the very same thing to his second wife despite the fact that she contacted me to ask about certain things which didn't add up! and then she married him!!!!! I didn't say I told you so, but she knew I did! he's had about £50k in total out of each of us over a 10 year period and I am still paying for it as I had to remortgage, but luckily, I got him to sign the house over to me solely, so I can't lose it because of him directly now. Other exw will probably lose her house (she owned a house before she met him, bought another bigger house with him) as it's in negative equity and she had to move out as he wouldn't! cheek of the devil. I had a lucky escape there! also lucky that my kids aren't his.

I'm quite careful with money, but I do like 'stuff' too much stuff as I'm now a hoarder!

I've had two husbands. #1 was an all round abuser. Beaten, raped, separated from my friends and family, psychologically abused, emotionally...it's a wonder I'm still here to be frank. Funnily enough, my second h was my rescuer! but I couldn't live with the debt, and paying on my credit card for the mortgage 3 consecutive months sealed the marriages fate.

I lived with my Ds's father for a year before I threw him out as he cheated on me in my bed, in my house!!!...continued 'seeing him' (read the sex was good ) and I fell pg with Ds. He didn't want to be a father again as he was too old at 37 . So, since the beginning of 1997, I have lived as a single person. I did think I could settle with Dd's father, but he cheated too and he was also a commitment phobe.

Hope you got back to sleep equinox, I think I signed off just before you came on!

How's everyone else? :)

Cheers Solo I was just about to drop off whilst lying down c 5 am when I realised it was 7 am and I had to get up lol.

I could do with a nice bit of action down below so to speak to help me get to sleep as that strategy can work quite well! However the sorry truth is I rarely find a male I fancy more than about twice a year these days. I think I am living in the wrong part of the country for tasty male specimens.....!

Oh I hate that! you think you have a few more hours and arghhhhhhh! so not fair!!!

Sadly, I have not had any action at all for..... oh yes! 6 years and before then, it was just once since I revealed my pregnancy, so basically, I've had a bit of the other twice in 8.5yrs. How sad is that?! but having said all that; I don't do ONS, but even if I did, the opportunity has only happened...never! ha! ah well.

What is ONS Solo? The mind boggles is this a new technique lol.

One Night Stand I think

Ah yes so it is.

Goodness, tales of 50 Shades of Grey!

I dont know what a one night stand is .... I dont know what any kind of sex is anymore !