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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

does single parent mean bad parent.

31 replies

gem1984 · 08/08/2006 23:11

I'm a single mum with 8 wk old. im worried bout my bab in case i cant provide for him what 2 parents can. does being a single parent men bad parent?
i feel i cant share things and evrything seems to be on my shoulders as parents live far away.....
they say mothers instint you'll know what to do but i feel im crap and my baby hates me.

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rickman · 08/08/2006 23:14

Message withdrawn

tortoise · 08/08/2006 23:15

Hi gem.
Im a single mum of 4.I provide as well as i can and am not a bad parent now.I was when xp still lived with us.Both the boys dad and the girls dad see them regulaly.
I also have parents far away(Turkey!).
It is tough and i hope you find support here.
Do you have friends you can meet with?
Good luck,im sure you're not crap and your baby loves you.

EmMo2Goldman · 08/08/2006 23:16

Hi gem
No - single parent does not mean bad parent, so please dismiss that thought straight away...

If I remember 8 weeks old is a bad time with a newborn whether you're a single parent or a couple

  • some of the excitement has died down
  • a lot of friends and family has been and gone
  • sleep deprivation is really setting in and so is the realisation that your life has changed as a result of this tiny person.

Don't beat yourself up - everything is new, and you're bound to feel a bit uncertain.

Sounds like you could do with finding a real life support network of friends close to you - do you know/ meet any other mums with small babies the same sort of age?

Original poster
gem1984 · 08/08/2006 23:17

no havnt mentioned it to her.... everytime smeone says 'how is everything' i just smile and say 'great'.
i think that if i say things are crap ppl will just get bored of me and want me to shut up and that i cant cope and think i'm awful...
oh my gosh, what have i got myself into???

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Original poster
gem1984 · 08/08/2006 23:19

no dont have many friends in my area its very remote and small....
there are no lone parent groups ive tried gingerbread. the mums and baby classes are all toddlers not babies and i seem to be the odd one out coz they ll talk bout their partners and when i say i'm on my own they look down at me.

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proudofmyboobs · 08/08/2006 23:25

Aw Gem, wherabouts are you pet? Maybe there are mumsnetters near you?

My sister was a single parent for 9 years and I can out my hand on my heart and say she did a damn better job than some of the 2 parent families I know!

proudofmyboobs · 08/08/2006 23:27

not out it's put

Original poster
gem1984 · 08/08/2006 23:28

i'm in southowram in halifax. its a very small village but there just doesnt seem to be anything for miles and mils around. i can drive but am without a car at the moment so feel like i am trapped.

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Original poster
gem1984 · 08/08/2006 23:37

well i'm off to bed.... i need t cherish every bit of sleep i can get...
thanks 4 ur support every1. nice to knowi'm not alone and there are ppl i can talk to.
goodnight.

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beckybrastraps · 08/08/2006 23:58

Hi Gem. I'm not a single mum, but I am the child of one. Or at least I was for 4 years until she met and married my wonderful Dad (bio father was never on the scene). I have a wonderful relationship with my mum, very close and I haven't turned out too badly!

BTW, I also found the bit about mother's instinct hard to swallow. It gets easier I promise. Take care!

rickman · 09/08/2006 10:07

Message withdrawn

Original poster
gem1984 · 09/08/2006 11:03

morning.
my hv is about as much use as a chocolate fireguard. i dont fel that comfortable talking to her.

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CaligulaCorday · 09/08/2006 11:19

No of course it doesn't, you have exactly the same chance of being a crap or good parent whether you're alone or with someone.

What is wrong with Gingerbread? Did you find it didn't suit you? Is it worth trying again?

Keep coming on here to get support if you can't get any in RL. I think what is coming across is your lack of confidence, and imo to succeed as a lone parent, you need above all, confidence that most of the time, you're doing it right. It may not be that other people aer looking down their noses at you, that may just be your perception, which you are projecting on to them because of your lack of confidence. I really think you could do with RL support, whether it be Gingerbread or Home Start. HomeStart are really good, they're a charity (not Sure Start, which is a government thing and completely different) and will send you someone who will listen to you and help you.

Original poster
gem1984 · 09/08/2006 11:22

ok thanks. Where can i get a number for them or do i get in contact with them?

No gingerbread didnt suit me at all, when i called they were really rude to me.

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CaligulaCorday · 09/08/2006 11:26

gem, here's homestart 's web site.

If they don't have anyone local to you, they might be able to tell you of any other options. It might also be worth ringing your local volunteer bureau (number will be in the local phone book) to see if there are any lone parent befriending organisations in your area - the VB has lists of all the voluntary organisations looking for volunteers, so will be able to tell you immediately if there's anything like that.

Bugsy2 · 09/08/2006 11:28

Absolutely not!! Definitely not. If it is any consolation even when I was married, I still felt at my wits end with my screaming newborn baby.
As soon as you feel able, get to some local mother & baby things. Your HV will be able to give you some details (even if you don't like her). Your local library may have some details and your local council website too. Lots of churches often have mother & baby things going on & you don't have to be a member of the church to attend.
How about your local NCT - that is often a good way of meeting people at the same stage as you.
Lots of hugs to you. Don't despair - you'll be great.

Original poster
gem1984 · 09/08/2006 11:38

Whats NCT?
I have been to a mum and baby group near to me but they are all toddlers not babies so i seemed a bit left out when i went as they were all off having coffee and i had to sit and feed ds.

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Bugsy2 · 09/08/2006 11:43

NCT is National Childbirth Trust. It runs lots of ante-natal classes with advice about having a baby. However, most NCT groups also have lots of post-natal groups too. There are breast-feeding counsellors & lots of other really good advisers as well. If you look up the NCT website, you might be able to find a group in your area.

Original poster
gem1984 · 09/08/2006 11:44

Ok thanks. Will try that.

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Original poster
gem1984 · 09/08/2006 11:45

Been on the homestart website and its great. Thanks caliqulacorday.!

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cosmicdancer · 09/08/2006 11:49

Gem - the fact you care enough to ask shows you aren't a bad parent.

It's my belief that a child needs ONE good parent - much better than 2 bad ones.

Hope you manage to get some support in real life and keep posting on here. Take care.

Original poster
gem1984 · 09/08/2006 11:52

Thanks cosmicdancer. I can only try my best which i am doing every day. I know ur all right.

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shebnem · 09/08/2006 22:25

hi gem1984,
i really admire how you coping so good as a single mum to a little baby.
i understand from what i read that you are a good mum and person.
i wish you all the success and happiness in your life.

Lasvegas · 10/08/2006 12:10

gem I have both sole and joint parented and on a day to day basis my DD 3.9 has experienced very little difference. This sums it up really DD's dad and her step brothers have been away from home since sat eve and she has not mentioned them once. As far as she in concerned I am her rock in life and as long as I am there her world is secure. She adores her dad and follows one step bro around like a puppy but even so as long as her routine stays on track she is fine with just one parent. Even though I see her only briefly mon-fri due to work committments.

I got through mat leave as spent a lot of time staying at my mums. Can you stay with your parents?

amiza · 10/08/2006 12:59

Hi gem1984

Please dont think that your baby hates you, your baby needs you.

being a single parent is a scarey thing to go through but you, will and have to get through the early stages of motherhood.

I have been a single parent for six years and the early stages were the hardest, but my daughter is a happy and healthy child just like her friends at school who have two parents. Being a single parent doesn't mean you are a bad parent. As long as your child has the love and necessities in life, thats all a parent needs to do to make a child grow into a happy one. (oh and a little bit of spoiling doesn't harm from time to time!)

I know how you feel when you say u feel as if people are looking down on you, but dont worry about that, as long as you know that you are a good mother and are doing your best. Sod what anyone else thinks.

Joining a baby and toddler group is probably good idea, as you are bound, and it may take some time, to meet others in the same situation.

I wish you the best of luck.