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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Lone parents

does single parent mean bad parent.

31 replies

gem1984 · 08/08/2006 23:11

I'm a single mum with 8 wk old. im worried bout my bab in case i cant provide for him what 2 parents can. does being a single parent men bad parent?
i feel i cant share things and evrything seems to be on my shoulders as parents live far away.....
they say mothers instint you'll know what to do but i feel im crap and my baby hates me.

OP posts:

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nightowl · 11/08/2006 16:25

hi gem, im a single mum twice over, from day one with dd (second baby). if there's one thing i remember vividly its when we got back from the hospital. there she was snoozing in her little car seat. i put it down on the sofa and thought "oh...what do i do now?" and i stood there for quite a while feeling totally lost and hopeless! horrible feeling, but its certainly not like that now. 8 weeks is very early on and it really does get better. of course i still have times when i want to tear my hair out but then most parents feel like that! im sure you will be fine, believe in yourself and it will all come together. dont beat yourself up about feeling low right now, its completely normal. there's no such thing as the perfect parent whether you're single or not, we're only human and we can only try our best. im sure you'll do a great job

Flamesparrow · 11/08/2006 15:41

I haven't read all the replies, but the first thing I want to say is... first time mum with an 8 week old - I remember sooo vividly feeling crap and that she hated me (and that was with a partner) - perfectly natural feeling. As long as a child is fed, watered and loved, you are doin fine

Second is - I was raised by a single mum. Not from babydom, granted, but still single for a fair portion of my childhood - and I wouldn't change a thing. Single mum or married mum - it is the love that matters.

jen1206 · 11/08/2006 15:33

I'm a single mom. I have an 8 month old son. Being a single mom definatley does not mean you are or will be a bad parent!!! As long as you love your child, provide everything he or she needs, you're doing a wonderful job! A lot of parents who are still together are worse parents than a single parent.

Jzee · 10/08/2006 19:44

I'm not a single mum, but just wanted to say that I have alot of respect for single mums as being a mum isn't always easy, and being single can make that it even harder. It certainly doesn't make you a bad parent. Just think you are doing twice the work so you must be twice as good!

liquidclocks · 10/08/2006 19:30

Hi gem - just wanted to say a few things that I hope will help and you won't feel alone.

Even with a DH I felt completely useless as a mother when DS was 8 weeks old. I spent most of my time when he was asleep sat outside his room crying. It's nothing to do with being a single parent - it's your hormones and the shock of having another little person to look after who needs you so much. Happily for me I had a good health visitor and I don't know why as I wasn't going to but on one of her visits I told her how I felt - she was great and referred me to homestart and they've been fantastic.

Also, ignore anyone who looks down on you - they're not worth thinking about. As someone who does have support I have so much respect for you and other single mums with tiny babies - I really don't think I could have coped and I think it's amazing that you do it all by yourself. Mother's instinct doesn't always happen as naturally as people make out, it grows on you. Take the time to get to know your baby and you'll figure it out eventually! It does get better - soon it'll be smiles and gurgles along with the crying and poo - it makes it so much easier.

sleepycat · 10/08/2006 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amiza · 10/08/2006 12:59

Hi gem1984

Please dont think that your baby hates you, your baby needs you.

being a single parent is a scarey thing to go through but you, will and have to get through the early stages of motherhood.

I have been a single parent for six years and the early stages were the hardest, but my daughter is a happy and healthy child just like her friends at school who have two parents. Being a single parent doesn't mean you are a bad parent. As long as your child has the love and necessities in life, thats all a parent needs to do to make a child grow into a happy one. (oh and a little bit of spoiling doesn't harm from time to time!)

I know how you feel when you say u feel as if people are looking down on you, but dont worry about that, as long as you know that you are a good mother and are doing your best. Sod what anyone else thinks.

Joining a baby and toddler group is probably good idea, as you are bound, and it may take some time, to meet others in the same situation.

I wish you the best of luck.

Lasvegas · 10/08/2006 12:10

gem I have both sole and joint parented and on a day to day basis my DD 3.9 has experienced very little difference. This sums it up really DD's dad and her step brothers have been away from home since sat eve and she has not mentioned them once. As far as she in concerned I am her rock in life and as long as I am there her world is secure. She adores her dad and follows one step bro around like a puppy but even so as long as her routine stays on track she is fine with just one parent. Even though I see her only briefly mon-fri due to work committments.

I got through mat leave as spent a lot of time staying at my mums. Can you stay with your parents?

shebnem · 09/08/2006 22:25

hi gem1984,
i really admire how you coping so good as a single mum to a little baby.
i understand from what i read that you are a good mum and person.
i wish you all the success and happiness in your life.

gem1984 · 09/08/2006 11:52

Thanks cosmicdancer. I can only try my best which i am doing every day. I know ur all right.

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cosmicdancer · 09/08/2006 11:49

Gem - the fact you care enough to ask shows you aren't a bad parent.

It's my belief that a child needs ONE good parent - much better than 2 bad ones.

Hope you manage to get some support in real life and keep posting on here. Take care.

gem1984 · 09/08/2006 11:45

Been on the homestart website and its great. Thanks caliqulacorday.!

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gem1984 · 09/08/2006 11:44

Ok thanks. Will try that.

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Bugsy2 · 09/08/2006 11:43

NCT is National Childbirth Trust. It runs lots of ante-natal classes with advice about having a baby. However, most NCT groups also have lots of post-natal groups too. There are breast-feeding counsellors & lots of other really good advisers as well. If you look up the NCT website, you might be able to find a group in your area.

gem1984 · 09/08/2006 11:38

Whats NCT?
I have been to a mum and baby group near to me but they are all toddlers not babies so i seemed a bit left out when i went as they were all off having coffee and i had to sit and feed ds.

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Bugsy2 · 09/08/2006 11:28

Absolutely not!! Definitely not. If it is any consolation even when I was married, I still felt at my wits end with my screaming newborn baby.
As soon as you feel able, get to some local mother & baby things. Your HV will be able to give you some details (even if you don't like her). Your local library may have some details and your local council website too. Lots of churches often have mother & baby things going on & you don't have to be a member of the church to attend.
How about your local NCT - that is often a good way of meeting people at the same stage as you.
Lots of hugs to you. Don't despair - you'll be great.

CaligulaCorday · 09/08/2006 11:26

gem, here's homestart 's web site.

If they don't have anyone local to you, they might be able to tell you of any other options. It might also be worth ringing your local volunteer bureau (number will be in the local phone book) to see if there are any lone parent befriending organisations in your area - the VB has lists of all the voluntary organisations looking for volunteers, so will be able to tell you immediately if there's anything like that.

gem1984 · 09/08/2006 11:22

ok thanks. Where can i get a number for them or do i get in contact with them?

No gingerbread didnt suit me at all, when i called they were really rude to me.

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CaligulaCorday · 09/08/2006 11:19

No of course it doesn't, you have exactly the same chance of being a crap or good parent whether you're alone or with someone.

What is wrong with Gingerbread? Did you find it didn't suit you? Is it worth trying again?

Keep coming on here to get support if you can't get any in RL. I think what is coming across is your lack of confidence, and imo to succeed as a lone parent, you need above all, confidence that most of the time, you're doing it right. It may not be that other people aer looking down their noses at you, that may just be your perception, which you are projecting on to them because of your lack of confidence. I really think you could do with RL support, whether it be Gingerbread or Home Start. HomeStart are really good, they're a charity (not Sure Start, which is a government thing and completely different) and will send you someone who will listen to you and help you.

gem1984 · 09/08/2006 11:03

morning.
my hv is about as much use as a chocolate fireguard. i dont fel that comfortable talking to her.

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rickman · 09/08/2006 10:07

Message withdrawn

beckybrastraps · 08/08/2006 23:58

Hi Gem. I'm not a single mum, but I am the child of one. Or at least I was for 4 years until she met and married my wonderful Dad (bio father was never on the scene). I have a wonderful relationship with my mum, very close and I haven't turned out too badly!

BTW, I also found the bit about mother's instinct hard to swallow. It gets easier I promise. Take care!

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gem1984 · 08/08/2006 23:37

well i'm off to bed.... i need t cherish every bit of sleep i can get...
thanks 4 ur support every1. nice to knowi'm not alone and there are ppl i can talk to.
goodnight.

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gem1984 · 08/08/2006 23:28

i'm in southowram in halifax. its a very small village but there just doesnt seem to be anything for miles and mils around. i can drive but am without a car at the moment so feel like i am trapped.

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proudofmyboobs · 08/08/2006 23:27

not out it's put

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