AIBU yes I probably am. Who is mumsnet for?

[bluebeardsbabe]

I am a lone parent to a small toddler. I found this forum very useful during my pregnancy (when exp left) for legal information, handholding etc. I mainly lurk now but still dip in from time to time...which is how I noticed how many more dads seem to be posting here now. Now although my exp was a complete vile bastard to me so much so that I still have a hard time trusting men, I fully appreciate that there is good and bad in both sexes and men also need a forum to express emotions relating to single parenting and so on. it's just I'm not sure I feel it's here.

I joined mumsnet specifically to find a nurturing informative environment by women for women, a safe haven to express my emotions. Is it wrong of me to think dads should go off and form dadsnet? I realise my judgement is probably quite clouded like I say but AIBU to think mumsnet should be for mums?

blue, I don't think that's having an agenda! I think there's sharing experiences and then there's having an agenda. Like if a woman came on and posted a similar situation to mine, I would maybe share my experiences, make sure she knew her rights and wish her luck. That's fine I think. If a man came on posting from the male side of the situation, if I shared my experiences, it wouldn't be such a positive response and I wouldn't be able to advise him or wish him luck because I wouldn't believe his OP and wouldn't want to help him. If I did that, I think that would cross into having my own agenda. So like your post with the 4 month old, I think that's sharing experiences to help someone. If you blasted the man if he had posted, that would be an agenda.

I think anyway

Women only space is not sexist. Getting away from sexism of men can be refreshing.

I think the OP is being unrealistic - cos it's not her site and it's far too big, and it's anonymous - to expect she could have a woman-only space. But how is it sexist?

I can genuinely say that when I joined mumsnet in a fit of pique I genuinely thought it was for mums only. I realise now, a year later, it is not . I think there is a place for forums for men only, women only and mixed sexes and maybe that is where I currently belong (wimmin only) as although I have come along in leaps and bounds since my own troubles last year, I still realise I get very when I read posts from men (and women) who are unsympathetic towards women who have been through abusive or hurtful situations and I guess because of my own situation I tend to direct those feelings towards the male population.

But yes, to answer my own question, I guess I am being unreasonable to think that mumsnet was for mums only but I am not being unreasonable to wish it sometimes were so!

Meh - gender has no bearing on whether someone is nice or nasty. Simple as that. Both mums and dads can be good. Or bad. But usually they're just a mix of the both. It's not black and white - it's all shades of grey.

Off this forum I spend a lot of time helping people out dealing with issues arising from separation and I see mums and dads doing the same thing. Elsewhere (on another forum) you'll find me saying exactly the same thing here to dads...and guess what...they're criticising me for being `pro mum'.

Well look Lostdad the point here is that many dads on here do not understand the implications of EA and DV and they should leave those threads alone. I have heard you on here saying to distressed victims of EA to try to talk with the partner and work things out. This shows a severe and dangerous lack of understanding of DV and EA. Maybe you should do some research.

(Many dads AND MOTHERS do not understand the implications of EA and DV. Indeed even some mothers who have experienced it are not yet aware of the implications.)

NewBeginningsSnoopy - `Many dads AND MOTHERS do not understand the implications of EA and DV'

Fair enough. Can I have your source for that?

Advising women suffering DV to try and work it out with their partner, is very dangerous advice. 2 women in the UK a week are killed by they male partner or ex.

And you are naive beyond belief lostdad if you don't think our socialisation into being women and men, has an impact on our behavior.

2 women a week killed versus how many men killed by female partners? Very few.

Grennie `Advising women suffering DV to try and work it out with their partner, is very dangerous advice.'

I would agree. Who's doing that?

'Can I have your source for that?' is exactly the kind of belittling, 'where's your proof?' comment that women who have experienced/are experiencing ABUSE do not need to hear on a SUPPORTIVE THREAD. It's true MNetters, he really just doesn't get it, does he?

I'm confused.

You said `Many dads AND MOTHERS do not understand the implications of EA and DV'.

So you believe it's nothing to do with gender don't you? So how is it ` is exactly the kind of belittling...comment that women who have experienced/are experiencing ABUSE do not need to hear'?

Sounds like you have no source other than your beliefs though. Although I don't deny that makes it any less valid in your view.

Some men on this forum repeatedly refer to how their ex wife 'abducted' their child and they then had to fight through the courts to get access.

Someone very wise on MN commented that one mans 'abduct' is very often a womans 'escape'.

To reply to your comment to Grennie:

Lostdad. I have myself heard you wax lyrical about how parents should be reasonable and talk things through re:contact when the mother in question is dealing with an ex who has been a perpetrator of DV. You don't see the signs Lostdad. And yet you come on talking about your female ex and what happened between you and saying all sorts of insensitive and irrelevant stuff. You should just stay away from these threads. Your input is not welcome I feel when the woman is already vulnerable AND HEARING IGNORANT VIEWPOINTS LIKE YOURS AT EVERY TURN IN REAL LIFE and I for one feel that this should be said.

I'm sorry you feel it is appropriate to say that people you disagree with should be silenced with NewBeginningsSnoopy.

They should be silenced when they spout dangerous advice to vulnerable women. Your passive aggressive tone is very telling on this thread.

If posters have a problem with Lostdad report him to MNHQ.

I think his posts are perfectly acceptable.

there are people here who are not parents (yet) and I love it when they get shocked at birthstories - best audience!
and without blokes how could we experiment with penis swiping?

jokes aside - MN is good as it is. sorry OP YABU

OP I am a lone parent and I do kind of understand where you are coming from. I also understand that it takes some time to rebuild the trust that men are not all the same based on an extreme experience of DV or EA.

Its a bit like getting mugged on holiday and saying to friends "Turkey/Greece/Spain was terrible - I'd never go there again and I'd never recommend it to anyone. You'd need our head tested to go there". Of course its an over reaction but its how you feel at the time. The only thing that improves it is time/distance and the experience of learning that there are many more nice normal healthy men out there than the arses. The same as women tbh, but women are historically and physically so much more vulnerable to abuse that its inevitably more of a man on woman problem than vice versa. And posters who try to ignore that are rather living in their own little world.

But (and its quite a big but...) I'd caution anyone feeling vulnerable in thinking that any internet forum is a safe place to get support. There aren't any guarantees that a) all the posters are women (regardless of the name of the site) and b) that all the posters are sensible (have seen as many DV apologists in women as men) and c) that there are vampyric trolls who get off on other people pain and can poke your sore spots very effectively whatever their sex.

Private facebooks groups with people you know in real llife are a much better bet if you need online support for very sensitive issues in my opinion.

Lostdad is entitled to his opinion and it does prove that on such a large forum many people will feel obliged to share their view, whether its kind or helpful or constructive or not and that they don't have a filter which applies their opinions more robustly to those threads where its appropriate and not to those where a bit of understanding and discretion might be advised. It doesn't prove that men are arses (tempting though it is to think that) it just shows that people can be arses.

Sorry that ended up a bit of an essay