AIBU yes I probably am. Who is mumsnet for?

[bluebeardsbabe]

I am a lone parent to a small toddler. I found this forum very useful during my pregnancy (when exp left) for legal information, handholding etc. I mainly lurk now but still dip in from time to time...which is how I noticed how many more dads seem to be posting here now. Now although my exp was a complete vile bastard to me so much so that I still have a hard time trusting men, I fully appreciate that there is good and bad in both sexes and men also need a forum to express emotions relating to single parenting and so on. it's just I'm not sure I feel it's here.

I joined mumsnet specifically to find a nurturing informative environment by women for women, a safe haven to express my emotions. Is it wrong of me to think dads should go off and form dadsnet? I realise my judgement is probably quite clouded like I say but AIBU to think mumsnet should be for mums?

If you can specify that you only wish people of a particular gender to respond to your posts is it OK to specify their colour or religion?

Ah come on lostdad would you?!?!

She has said that she has suffered at the hands of a man. She is feeling a little scarred. Sure just aim a few silly comments in her direction why not.

Th

Many women have suffered at the hands of men.

And I also get sick in relationships of men mansplaining abused women.

Grrr damn phone. Some really valid posts here so thank you.

I guess I was thinking more of the emotional aspects of being a single parent where I think there is a difference between the genders as someone else suggested here. Obviously legal and practical aspects are or should be the same for everyone.

Thanks to those who understand where I was coming from...not a man bashing perspective...I was thinking more it would be nice to discuss issues that affect women at a very vulnerable time eg being left when pregnant or with small children which I think is quite female specific without feeling that my opinion is being made invalid or undermined by a man who might not understand where I am coming from. I guess my thoughts were sparked by reading threads where people were asking advice about very small babies where I felt that some posters weren't taking into the account the emotional and physical ramifications of having recently given birth. Or maybe it was just me who was a crying, hormonal wreck :)

Honestly lostdad, your comments don't bother me. In fact you are just confirming the stereotype so well done you!

NewBeginningsSnoopy - I suffered at the hands of someone with long brown hair.

They shouldn't be allowed to post on my threads!

bluebeard - Yes there are differences. And some men on this site do not recognise that at all.

Some women don't either.

It is unrealistic. We're all anonymous; for all you know I could be a man called Bob (I'm not).

I get why you'd like it, but I also think that, realistically, a space this big won't become 'safe' simply because it is women-only. I totally love women-only spaces, but it's not really possible to be rigorous about them on the net, and I'd say any space with more than a dozen or so people is going to involve a certain amount of disagreement and less-than-nurturing aspects, simply because people are not all the same.

(I don't get the issue with asking for responses from a particular gender or whatever that lost has, though? People do that all the time, although obviously they can only ask, they can't enforce.)

I think you are spot on about the differences, blue. As hard as they try not to be, a man will always have a little bias towards his own experiences and so will a woman and it doesn't always help to hear when someone is vulnerable. It would be nice sometimes to get support when you feel alone without being flamed too.

I do think sometimes people should remember how hard it is being a lone parent and keep their own agendas off threads. There's a male poster on the site whose basic situation is the reverse of my own, he could be the man in my situation type thing. I don't post on his threads out of courtesy because I see too much of my ex in the posts and don't believe what he writes. I can't be unbiased so I don't post. I do wish some male posters would offer the same courtesy to women. It doesn't help someone who needs support to be told to consider their ex's feelings when they've shared information about abuse etc. It's nearly always a male poster who puts that to one side .

But as well as men posting here, you also have a significant amount of posters who aren't even parents. I wonder who the OP feels would be able to offer more empathy to her situation between parents who happen to be men and women who don't have children and have never experienced the ups and downs of parenthood? Granted, most of those women are ttc or step parents but still.

Grennie, it's not unreasonable for the OP to wish it sometimes but it's certainly unreasonable to expect it. This site is all about diversity which is one of its strengths. It would be very dull if it was restricted to mothers only discussing aspects of parenting.

I try to look at people as individuals with individual views...rather than saying `Oh - you're a woman...so I can make the following assumptions about you'.

I thought gender stereotyping was a bad thing wasn't it?

You just don't get it do you lostdad?

There are plenty of harsh and silly people who post on MN who would probably drive any vulnerable new mother to distraction... and I bet they are mainly female. A nice bloke who has watched his DP or his sister suffer in the same way might be a great help. I don't feel especially safer in all-women spaces, some women can be awful; some men are great.

One of the things I really like about MN is that I know nothing about someone's gender, ethnicity, nationality, class, etc. All I get is their pure thought. I hope I would listen anyway, as I try not to be biased, but as I say, I like that about MN.

I do agree though about people keeping their own agenda off threads. That we do see a lot- but again, not just from the men, in fact, not even mainly from the men.

I find your preoccupation about what random strangers have in their pants extremely disturbing Grennie. Although there are probably websites for that sort of thing if that is your `bag'.

I find your lack of understanding of how socialisation impacts on women and men's behaviour, disturbing.

worried you are so right, MN would be very dull if only a bunch of women harping on about how shit their exes were posted. Buffy your post has made me think and I realise maybe I do have my own agenda and that this is why I found a particular post relating to a four month old distressing where I felt the mother was being told to let her small baby go off for hours on end to exp. I chose to do the parenting style of feeding on demand, dd sleeping on me, co sleeping and so on. Thankfully exp had chosen not to be part of her early life but honestly, if someone had asked me to send off dd to an EA man I would have probably lost it emotionally. I think this is what made me post this yesterday and now I have lots if food for thought.

Thanks again and I hope the thread does not degenerate into gender bashing as that was not my intention. FWIW I am on a small closed FB group only for single mums with small babies where no men are allowed and we can really let rip so maybe I will stick to that when feeling angry at the male gender :)

lostdad why do you have to even go there on this thread. I have been very clear that I am not man bashing or hate the male race, it was more of genuine thought that I had about who/what mumsnet is for and now I have my answer so thank you. Maybe we should just end here.

But Grennie, my DH thinks that men who cheat or treat their partners and children badly are pathetic losers. He's also a lawyer earning a lot of money working for an investment bank and I'm a sahm who will have 4 children at private school. The OP could naturally assume then that I would have no concept of her situation either from an emotional or a financial POV and she'd be correct to a certain extent. I'd have sympathy and empathy for her situation but have no real understanding of what it's like.

Yet another poster on here who just happens to be a man may have lived through something very similar, or have a female relative who's been through it or just generally be a decent guy who views men like the OP's ex partner as scrum. So although I understand why she feels the way she does, it is unreasonable.

I do understand what you mean about a more nurturing environment. I don't think mumsnet is always the place for that now though. The site has become huge due to it's success which allows for a wide range of opinions. I do sometimes like having male input, but there are times I really don't want to hear the "male side"!
I think the thing I dislike most (+ I have no way of knowing if it's men who do it) is the flippancy of some posters.
I've seen quite serious threads derailed by flippant and inappropriately jokey posts.
So YANBU but you are asking the impossible

Worried - I agree with you in theory. In practice there are too many men on this site telling women who are being abused, to look at things from their male partners point of view.

I completely understand where you're coming from though, OP, even if I disagree.

Grennie, I don't really go on the relationships part of the board but that sounds horrid. Although I do think that when I have read the odd thread I have often been shocked at how nasty and unsupportive some comments have been from posters who are very much female. I often think that women, especially those whose own lives are running smoothly, can be quite unsympathetic and cutting towards other women who are simply posting for a bit of a rant or some hand holding.