Contact arrangement issue

[JRsgirl]

Hi, I?d like some points of view about the contact arrangement for mine and my ex?s daughter who?s 6. We separated when she was a year old and, without much discussion or question it was decided that I would have her for 2/3rds of the time. I was very happy with this as I?d done most of her care since she?d been born and as I say, he didn?t question it. The arrangement was that he would have her every other Friday/ Sat and Sun Night and every Weds night.

It worked fine. He has always paid his CSA on the nose. Although I have ever been that happy that I had to pay for all her childcare even on the days that he had ?pro-rated? but it was a small thing that I could put up with for peace and harmony and the right thing for our daughter.

He has always lived about a 15 minute drive away and works locally, but he works for a health club which means although on one hand he has the flexibility to be able to fetch her from school if he?s worked early, or take her to school if he works late (something I never had with my standard hours) it also meant he does have the least appropriate hours in terms of childcare.

So, when around 8 months ago our DD came to me crying one Sunday saying that the Weds ? Weds without Daddy every other week was too much and she missed him, I told him about it and suggested that on the Monday where she hadn?t been with him for the weekend (i.e. every other Monday) he could come and spend some time with her around tea time. At first he was very ?ahem, umm, cough, cough, I don?t think it will fit in with my work? Which I took to mean that he was happy with the status quo and didn?t really want to change the arrangements that were working for him. I was annoyed as although the longstanding arrangements worked for me too, I wanted to do the right thing for DD and a whole week without Daddy, followed by a concentrated 3 nights, is a bit disruptive for her.and was clearly upsetting her.

Anyway, he came a couple of times on a Monday and took her swimming which she loved but he would never really commit to it and often didn?t come. Then he moved about 45 minutes away (still working at the same place locally) and suddenly then reason for him not being able to have her on a Monday became that he lived too far away but said that when he moved back to the area (him and his fiancé had bought a house thatthey wouldmove to in tree months) he would start to have her on a Monday but it would have to be an overnight and he would reduce his maintenance accordingly.

I don?t care about the money but I thought it was a bit unfair to tie contact in to maintenance in what to me seemed such an obvious way. I had a bad feeling about it and have mulled it over for a few weeks now.

Anyway (sorry for waffling on but wanted to get the background in!) What I have decided is that I?m just not happy with it I don?t think it is right for her to spend 5 nights with Dad one week, then just one night the next week. I've had professional advice that one week on/ one week off it rarely the best thing for childrenand to me this is moving towards this. And I don?t think it?s a good idea for her to be away from me for 5 nights a week when she?s been used to being with me more.

Plus, her school is more local to me and her friends are all here. She herself has said she thinks she should be with me more because it?s what she?s used to and it?s easier to get to school from my house.

So I?ve put it to him that rather than the extra Monday night, we just swap our Fridays over. I.e. week one he has her: Weds & Fri and week two he has her: Weds, Sat, Sun. Which is the five days she is used to but without that huge gap between weds-weds not seeing Daddy.

He hasn?t come back to my suggestion in three days now and is avoiding talking about it. I imagine that means he isn?t happy about it but don?t know if it?s A, because he won?t be able to reduce his CM (would like to think it?s not this) B, because he?ll lose his entirely child free weekend, C, He?ll lose out on having DD for a whole weekend... or another reason?.

If he does say no then I have to say I don?t want to budge. I think the Monday thing is bad for DD. So what can I do???

I got some free legal advice and the solicitor said that if we took it to court ? which she wouldn?t advise and I don?t want to anyway, then they would say the ?status quo? was best for DD. And at best in his favour they would offer ?shared care? which is what he has anyway. But she also advised not to be railroaded in to giving him extra days if I wasn't completely happy with it because then that would become the status quo and if it didn?t turn out to be for the best I?d have a harder fight on my hands.

I?m really stuck. He is a good Dad, she loves him very much. He does fun things with her like swimming and other sports that aren?t really my forte. I do value his role very highly. But I am the one who does the main ?care? and always have been. He often (and by often I mean at least once most weekends) gets someone else in his family to look after her while he goes out which is a bit of a contentious issue for me seeing as she often complains about missing him as it is. I can't help feeling that things have always been fine for him but now he's buying a house and moving in with his fiance (plus obviously now the hard work of having a baby/ toddler is done) he wants to step in and call the shots, playing happy families. That sounds a bit bitter I suppose. I don't really mena it like that. I just want thebest for DD, and I don't want to be railroaded. He can be very controlling and he was always likethis in our relationship. I am bad at standing up for myself but find it easier when it comes to standing up for DD.

I?ll shut up now any thoughts?

I can understand how a 'visit' one evening a fortnight might make him feel less of an involved Dad - it does keep him very much in the role of Disney Dad (coming to take her out for a treat) rather than a normal, everyday part of her life.

If DD wants to see her Dad more and that evening/night is convenient for school etc (a longer journey shouldn't be a problem unless its several hours) then why not change things so that she spends that night with him as well?
It won't do DD any harm to understand that while you listen to her, she can't dictate arrangements - a six year old who is prepared to say that she wants to see Daddy more but not sleep at his house for more nights is clearly familiar with getting her own way

But she doesn't want to see him more - she just doesn't want to go for so long without seeing him. The Friday thing solves that problem. If he isn't happy with a Monday visit, which I do understand his reasons for really.

Aww, she never gets her own way . Really, she doesn't.

I suppose the question is, why did you think that the 2/3 - 1/3 split was right for your DD five years ago?

If it was because of her age, or your respective availability - then those two issues have changed (she is older and both your circumstances have changed) so it is logical for you to sit down together and discuss what is best for DD now? How close to that can we achieve?

If her Dad is prepared to offer a family home life in the same way as you do, then a 50:50 arrangement would seem a good starting point, with work commitments etc taken into account - but it may need to be built up to gradually, so that DD gets used to more time at Dads and less at Mums.

Of course, life won't be the same in both homes, but thats not a bad thing - she certainly won't be able to make an informed choice about the time she spends with mum & dad as she gets older if her time with one parent is restricted unnecessarily.

It's a funny on NADM. When we split I assumed that we'd have 50/50, because we both had full time jobs. But he made it clear that he couldn't possibly offer that with his job, which wasn't true, but it would have involved a big commitment to working around care and he said it was easier that his time with her was more weekend based. Then I had the advice about how for little ones it was better that they had a primary parent, and with her only being a year old it should be me as I had done most of the care until that point. So I suggested the 2/3rds and he agreed without question. It worked best in the end because his social life and general lack of maturity, random women, disorganisation etc didn't make for the best environment although he's always been a fun and affectionate daddy to be with.

So now that he is settling down it does seem the case that a more equal split could be appropriate. It just seems like (as at the start) its all based around him and what he wants and his lifestyle rather than dd's needs.

On a personal note, as some of you know, I've recently lost all contact with my step daughter, and so has dd who classed her as a sister so I feel a bit of normality would be good for now. Sorry to throw that in there - just processed it in my own brain

If anything, because I'm now not working, the matter of availability that lead me to assume it would have been 50/50 at the start, is very different now too. I'm around all the time, for at least a year.

So, to put it another way (I'm playing devils advocate), for 12 months, you are able to adapt the time she spends with you in order to maximise the time she spends with her Dad, who isn't able to be as quite as flexible?

It really sucks when a selfish ex, who has always put himself first and disregarded the needs of the DCs, suddenly changes his tune and pretends to be focused on the DC's needs when you know that it's all about what suits them
Especially when what they are proposing probably is best for the DCs and was something you would have previously pushed for

The fact that DD is now an only child with you all the time might also be a factor worth considering. Her family life with you has changed, so it might be a good time to review the arrangements anyway

Thanks for helping me work through it NADM. I've got a lot to think about. I'm still stuck in what is best for DD though... If I think of the day in question, the Monday, what she does with me is I pick her up from school and we go to the park or have a friend round, or go to a friends, or (as will be the case from next week) she will go to beavers. If she's with her dad she will go to the crèche at the health club where he works until he finishes, or she'll go back to his house with him until finance comes home. He won't let her go to beavers as doesn't want to wait around. Maybe I offer to get her from school, take her to beavers, then he can collect her for the night. That could work. Then she'd see both of us and he could still retain his precious 1/7th of cm.

The fact that he's not prepared to accommodate Beavers is telling though - either he's an equal parent in her life, he plays DisneyDad around her other commitments; he can't have it both ways.

Don't be silly NADM, he can't be expected to finish work early to collect her from school and then wait around while she does beavers... Now you're just being unreasonable

I think for dd's benefit though, that idea could actually work. Then she could have the benefit of time with me after school and time with dad before bed and in the morning. And he doesn't lose any money - in fact he'd save money as by the time he collects her I will have fed and entertained her. There would be the matter of packed lunch the next day though of course which will no doubt justify the decrease in cm in his mind.

And now he lets me know that he can't have her tomorrow as planned as he's working late. And can't do Tues instead because he has a meeting then too. I know it's work, not a jolly, but he does manage the place, and writes the rotas. Last week I had to do his one school drop off (thursday) for him because he had to work too.

This is what I mean, I'm agonising over how I can meet DD's needs, and be fair to him and starting to feel bad about potentially "sidelining him" (for want of a better phrase) after listening to everyone's advice on this thread, and now I have to tell DD that she won't be having the afternoon with her Dad. Also I now have her for three hours that I wasn't expecting to because she would have been with him. No "please" or, "I'm sorry but" ... I'm just expected to do it. Same as last Thursday morning - I was told the night before that she'd be with me for 7.30am (she wasn't, she arrived at 8.30am so I got up an hour early for nothing..)

I reckon even if we go ahead with the Monday thing it'll end up that it never happens.

Sounds to me like he's not ready for the commitment

I'd carry on as you are, don't get DDs hopes up but let extra Daddy time be a nice surprise and allow her to draw her own conclusions as she gets older.

She will. DD is 11, and has worked out for herself her Dads motivations

I guess in time she will, and if he proves me wrong then all the better!

wont take her to beavers? silly...

maybe just focus then on getting her to accept there will be weds-weds without seeing him (except exceptionally) and that is the way it is. that if he is free he will see her. (so she understands it is not a case of you stopping her seeing him in between those days, but is entirely down to him...)

Sounds like a plan... I wish that's what I'd done from the start. But he wants to make it "official"

Okay, so just by way of an update if anyone's interested

He came round and we had a really civilised conversation. He started off by saying that he actually wants to talk about a more 50/50 situation and is worried that with her growing up so fast, he wants to spend time with her while she still wants to and before she is too busy seeing her friends and socialising to want to spend time with Daddy. I have the same feelings myself and it was nice to be able to sympathise with eachother. He does love her and seems to have really grown up since getting engaged and settling down with his fiance.

But after that he said that this week he would need me to take DD to school on Thursday again after her overnight with him as he has an early meeting. He would be leaving the house early and his Mum would bring DD to me for 7.30am.

Then he said that in addition to a saturday in two weeks time that I need to have DD for him, I also need to have her that Wednesday because he is going away with his friends for a stag party. He's also working all this weekend so DD will be with her step mum and stepgrandparents. When we looked at the calendar, even if I said yes to the extra Monday night, he wouldn't actually be able to do it until a date in mid November...

I told him, nicely, that although I understand what he wants in terms of contact, sadly he is clearly not reliable enough to commit to it and that it would be worse for DD to be told one thing, only for it to keep changing, than to just get used to missing him a bit. He agreed and we have worked out that if every other week we switch the Monday and Wednesday around, it will break up the long Weds - Weds where she misses him so much, but will mean she is with me the same number of nights that she is now.

He wasn't all that happy so I said we would review it in six months and if she is still saying she is missing him (which I beleive she won't as she wont have the chance to with only 2/3 days between contact) then we will look at adding the Wednesday back in if he can commit to it. I do understand where he is coming from but it is all so about him IYSWIM. All the language he uses is about his feelings and his rights. For example, when we talked about my proposal for the Fridays he said he didnt like that idea as he wouldnever get a whole weekend "off". I know we all like a break but surely that comes second to working out what's best for DD!! I see my free time as a bonus - how many parents have two whole weekends a month with no children or responsibilities!? It's not a god given right.

Anyway, it's kind of worked out okay.

Thanks for all the advice x

Oh and beavers is still probably a no - so I might takeher there after school on his monday with her and he will pick her up and takeher home with him.
No she wants to do bollywood dance lessons on a Wednesday after school so I can see what's coming next with that one...