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Facing pregnancy alone?

999 replies

thedogsrolex · 12/07/2012 18:30

There seem to be quite a few threads lately posted by women facing pregnancy alone for whatever reason. I was thinking maybe it would be a good idea to have one ongoing thread for support and advice...what do you think? I know it would have helped me way back when I had dd? (apologies if there is already one, I haven't come across it).

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Pickles77 · 05/08/2012 12:41

I think they will put us in some kind of hostel for the time being but maybe I should do that.
I just don't think staying here is going to be great in the long run... It's like they think im a child. I'm feeling like a child.
I've got no room to do anything... It's stupid. I get no peace at all.
I just go along with everyone all the time.
I don't feel I'm making any progress at all, I got to my parents house moved in and now have achieved nothing.
No one in RL gets how I feel... Just to chin up, be strong. That my ex is this that and the other.
Im back at breaking point this weekend.

NotGeoffVader · 05/08/2012 13:07

Oh Pickles I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time right now. You're having to take so much on board at the moment it is no wodner you feel as you do.

Is there any way you can get your Mum to talk to your Dad? You are an adult who should be treated with respect and allowed to make your own decisions (which it sounds as though your Dad fails to realise).

Only you can decide whether it's better to do the hostel or stay put. I can't imagine you'd have much space or peace at a hostel either, but I am not speaking from experience.

You mentioned you have a birthday coming up. Do you like chocolate? Would you like something special sent to cheer you up a bit? x

Pickles77 · 05/08/2012 13:11

It's just rubbish.
Mum will try, dont think it will work. This house is way too small.
Ive lost my tablets about four days ago too and thought it would be okay to see my doctor on Friday (she is PT), I don't think I'll manage.
Im so sorry to be on here again taking up people's time.

NotGeoffVader · 05/08/2012 13:23

Go back to the doctor on Monday! Just explain the situation and I'm sure there will be no problem.

I'm around all day today (though on and off as DD will be demanding lunch and play time soon), so chat away here or PM me if you want/need to.

Its a times like this I wish we had a spare room...

Pickles77 · 05/08/2012 13:27

Your such a nice person notgeoff Smile

NotGeoffVader · 05/08/2012 13:32

Pah! I just live by the 'treat people as you'd want to be treated' mantra. If you heard some of things I say about people I dislike.... :)

Pickles77 · 05/08/2012 14:29

I try to do that- it never works for me!!

Jellykat · 05/08/2012 15:01

Oh Pickles i'm sorry your having a shitty day today Sad

I had to live with my mum and step dad when DS1 was born, many years ago, they made up a bed in the sitting room (no spare bedrooms) so i can remember how you're feeling.. it's really tough going.

Are you on waiting lists for local HA and Council places? Doesn't necessarily mean much i know these days, as the lists are huge.. You could maybe think about the hostel and if its awful move back.

If you've got no work, i presume you're on benefits like i was.. once the baby arrives these will go up.. i managed to save enough for a deposit to rent although it took a while, i didn't have a car to pay for, and i basically didn't have a life, but with a tiny baby thats kinda easy, you just go for lots of walks.. Eventually found someone to do a house share with in a 2 bedroomed place.. It was our space, and the lady i shared with was hardly ever there.

I know finding rentals on HB is bloody difficult these days too, but it might be possible? - Just trying to think of a way out for you.

Pickles77 · 05/08/2012 16:01

Im on the lists but I'm the lowest grade I can be unless my parents make me homeless.
Thankfully I'm not too penniless as I'm
On my maternity allowance from work so I'm going to try and manage and then when that ends get some work before going back to study.
I think maybe I should try the hostel thing and see what happens at least If I go and speak to someone it might make me feel better too.
It's just going from being so Independant, work, house, dog, settled down to bang being 15 again Sad.
Thank you jelly

skyebluesapphire · 05/08/2012 17:18

You sound more positive now. You need to be made homeless and then you will be allocAted a place somewhere. You will never jump up the list while you live there. So you need to think about that.

Don't drag yourself down as you are letting him win if you do.

I'm not sure what to suggest with your dad. Because you are back under his roof he is treating you like a child again... Some parents never grow out of that..

Pickles77 · 05/08/2012 18:34

I think that's the thing, over protective isn't the word
Not feeling more positive, feeling a bit calmer. Getting it out stops me crying.
I felt bad about getting help from the goverment but I have always worked, and I always intend work.
It's amazing how those that need the help feel guilty for asking Sad

angelelle · 05/08/2012 19:13

Hi Pickles, sorry to hear you have been feeling low the past couple of days. Don't worry about crying and feeling shite at times. I have been lucky to have the support of one wonderful friend who listens to me nearly every day saying the same thing over and over again!! And lets me cry on her shoulder and it really helps. You will still have bad days and you will still cry, it wont go over in a day but it will get easier and every day you cry is one less day you have to cry in the future. And as for your worries about housing. I mean I am 39 years old and have had to move back in with my mum so I don't have to be alone the first few months. I will probably end up giving up my own flat that I rent at the moment and my job so I can stay with my mum the first year. I try and turn it around and see that it is great that I have that support rather than feeling like a massive failure at my age :) I really hope you sort it out with your dad, I am sure he only wants your best. My mum would punch my ex I think if she ever saw him. Trying to figure out what to do if he does decide to come and see DD after she is born, might have to send her out for the day, lol.

I also wanted to update you on my NCT yesterday. It was both shit and good. Good because I learnt loads of really useful stuff and the other mums seemed to be people I think I could go for coffees with afterwards. Shite because it made me realise a few things. All the men there were there because they love their partners and want to be there to support them at birth and are excited by the arrival of their babies. I am on my own because the harsh truth is my ex does not want to support me or see his dd be born. As much as I try and kid myself and make excuses like 'he is in shock' the reality is that he is a selfish pig that has put himself first. This meant I actually had to go home at lunchtime and cry although made it back for the afternoon :) Once the first one is over you will be fine...and you do learn tons on the courses.

I have made it 7 months on my own, I am so proud of myself. I have brought everything, paid for everything, carried everything, taken out my own rubbish and thrown up at the bins, cooked all my own food when I have felt sick, cleaned and packed my apt, got myself to the aiport with two bags and a babyseat and now living at my mums. Aren't we amazing Pickles! Look at everything we have achieved. Only two months to go now :)

Sending you a hug xx

angelelle · 05/08/2012 19:19

Oh and let me tell you something else Pickles. You are not stupid for keeping that faith or that torch for your ex. My brain tells me that my ex has treated my horrifically during my pregnancy. But my heart knows I would open the door in two seconds if he rang the bell! This is normal, and friends and family don't understand this. Please allow yourself to have these feelings, you need to let them out, you need to be allowed to feel the pain. Someone you loved and thought loved you has turned their back on you, you don't switch that off in a few weeks. Allow youself to have the feelings you have and don't let friends or family tell you otherwise. You are grieving and need to be allowed to do this. Protect yourself from his harsh words and no contact is good advice from the other posters in this thread. Don't let him project his issues on to you by telling you you are this or that but allow youself to feel everything you feel as it will get better.

xxx

Pickles77 · 05/08/2012 19:24

angelle your so strong, much stronger than me. Or seem it so it's a compliment to be compared to you so thank you.
I finally found my tablets so calmed Down a bit. Spoke to my dad a bit, he's just very angry at the minute and it's the will always be his little girl thing. He feels he's let me Down in some way- no idea how but he says it's a dad thing!
Thank you for the support the hand
Holding and the hugs and listening.

I've done it do far, I can keep going. You have so I can Smile

Scarredbutnotbroken · 05/08/2012 19:32

Hi all - aww pickles the housing thing sounds like a nightmare hope you get some resolution soon.

I am v irritable with it all just now and spoiling for a fight. Exp bring a complete pain and trying to invade my life. Twat.

Pickles77 · 05/08/2012 19:40

scared me too, im Angry don't cross me tonight if your male x

skyebluesapphire · 05/08/2012 22:45

Totally understand how you girls feel ( I know I'm not pregnant) but Zh walked out on me and the shock is immense. You grieve for that person, hate them whilst still loving them and would give anything to have your life back.

You girls are so strong and brave. Pickles don't worry about benefits, I worked for 20 years before having DD so if I have to claim tax credits for a few years I don't care, I've more than paid my way. Benefits are there to help people like yourself. And if you can get a job in the future you may find you are better off with part time work and tax credits.

Scarredbutnotbroken · 05/08/2012 22:50

Doesn't have to be make! Though it would help Grin
Really though I'm just bored in the evenings - ah well I won't be soon!

Pickles77 · 06/08/2012 08:38

Found tablets feeling better already just knowing they are there.
Still feeling very ropey. Going to go and see the housing. I think the thread I posted on chat on 50s children might explain a bit Sad
going to make a list of things I need to do now.
I just read my other thread and I can see I'd be silly to try and bring up a baby in this household.
I know my parents mean well but i just don't feel fully supported or understood.
I also can't make my own judgement here as I am terribly respectful of my dad. My dads advice is normally golden and even though he doesn't pressure me
It's means so much to me to keep him happy.
Living together makes this worse! I am still his baby!Wink

NotGeoffVader · 06/08/2012 09:04

You may find it changes when the baby arrives, Pickles - your Dad will go into 'granddad mode' and be all over her when she arrives. He'll be guarding the door like a rottweiler, and she'll have him wound round her little finger.

Sounds as though you did have a bit of a breakthrough with him though if he says he acts like this because he is angry and feels he has let you down. Perhaps you need to reassure him that he hasn't, that you know he has your best interests at heart but that you are grown woman. A grown woman who is about to make him a grandfather.

Some really inspiring information on this thread from those that have had similar experiences.

Like yesterday, am on and off the net today but will check in later to see how things are.

Pickles77 · 06/08/2012 11:10

Very true, hopefully.

The advice on here is great. Today is a new day once again. I shall face today... I have a lot to be thankful for really

Pickles77 · 08/08/2012 14:12

notgeoff you are one amazing woman. Thank you so much, your so unbelievably kind. I've been trying for no tears today aswell!
Thank you so much xxx

NotGeoffVader · 08/08/2012 16:24

Pickles not in the least, you are very welcome indeed. Come and chat to Lou on the other thread? She's a bit wobbly today. Hope you're feeling better today, yourself.
As I said, PM me if you need to, and I'll happily listen. x

Pickles77 · 08/08/2012 17:22

Lou is doing fanastically well x

NotGeoffVader · 08/08/2012 17:53

:)