Facing pregnancy alone?

[thedogsrolex]

There seem to be quite a few threads lately posted by women facing pregnancy alone for whatever reason. I was thinking maybe it would be a good idea to have one ongoing thread for support and advice...what do you think? I know it would have helped me way back when I had dd? (apologies if there is already one, I haven't come across it).

[Pickles77]

Lol oh yes we had pictures of him draped over girls... I don't even need to go look actually now I'm

[chocoraisin]

lol@MakeitLarge!

[Pickles77]

Phew feeling a bit better.
Been thinking about not putting his name on birth certificate. He won't come and register the birth anyway & he won't even look into it.
I don't think I'm going to put it on. Not out of spite but because I am scared. If he's not on there i have complete control, it's black and white we are alone. I don't even
Want his money if it comes to that.
Until he can show me he respects us I don't think I should consider changing it.
I don't want my child's dad to be part of her life because he has too but because he wants to.
He will scream and say I can't ever do anything responsibly or sensibly but I think this is the right way to go- I am protecting us is there anything more sensible than that?
I mean yesterday I had him screaming that he hasn't asked about our health because she's not a baby she is cells and I
Am nothing. He spoke to me nicely for ten
Minutes before I pointed out he hadn't asked about us, then started screaming how angry he was with me and how
Mentally sick I was, and damaged. You know, and that i just want to argue all the time.
My father now isn't speaking to me as I have spoken to the ex... I cant just ignore him though I don't have the willpower. I don't think that's very supportive from
My dad either.

[Jellykat]

I think it's really really hard Pickles.. I can see where your dad is coming from, although refusing to speak to you is definitely NOT supportive.

The thing is when you speak to your XP you are just getting loads of abuse, you're not going to get anywhere with him at this time - he's not going to change his atitude suddenly and be a nice bloke.
I know it takes a phenomenal amount of willpower.. but try not to verbally engage with him for a while, it's just keeping it all going and it doesn't sound like it's a good thing in any way whatsoever. Why talk to someone who's just going to tell you you're mentally sick? You deserve more then that!!

Another way of looking at it is, do you want his screaming and arguements around your daughter when she comes?

[skyebluesapphire]

I think if you aren't married the father has to be present if you put his name on the birth certificate, unless he signs a statutory declaration.

He will only have parental rights if his name is on it, but access us different to rights.

[Pickles77]

Should I send a final message? Making it clean cut?
I don't want any of this I hate it. I feel stupid and immature

[chocoraisin]

the best way to make a clean break is to decide, for yourself, that it's what you want. Start as you mean to go on. Don't text him anything.

If you send a msg saying I will never speak to you again (or something to that effect) what you are really doing is inviting him to respond. It's only half-hearted, because really there is the secret hope he will suddenly had a 'see the light' moment and beg you not to go... but it never works out like that :( what is most likely to happen is he will respond with more abuse, and wear you down a little more.

If you want a clean break, even just for a little while, the best way to get one is simply to stop responding. I did this in my 8th month, I just refused to open texts, sent emails to a separate folder that I ignored and basically switched off from the ex. I didn't think I'd be able to, but it felt amazing to get back some control.

We have two children so I've always known he would be around every week and I'd have to deal with him when baby arrived, but even a month of no contact recharged my batteries a huge amount. If you want to feel better, I strongly recommend you give no contact a try.

FWIW my dad has been so angry with my ex it's made him literally sick, and he's not always known how to deal with it. your dad probably doesn't know what to say because he just wants to punch the knobhead out, and doesn't want to upset you by saying that! He will come round, he loves you.

[Pickles77]

Thank you choco, that's what I'll try and do.
Wish I had willpower!
That really sums up what Dad thinks tbh

[Jellykat]

Pickles - I agree completely with Choco, i managed not to speak to DS1s dad for the first year, we even walked past each other in the street a few times.. It was such a relief, and so peaceful

Oh and YOU'RE not the stupid immature one sweetheart!!

[Pickles77]

Thanks guys, taken it all on board. Got another appointment with doctor regarding upping my medication as struggling to go out again (hence me being on most threads on MN)
Got a big bath, magazine and ice cream. Wish it was wine! Did some dog training with the pooch! Made me feel a bit less useless as he responded!
Thank you again

[Jellykat]

Awwwww Pickles, you've got a dog! They're such brilliant friends, god i miss mine.. Is it a pup or rescue? (veering from the thread subject i know..)

[chocoraisin]

I don't know if it has changed him at all, but there is a clear line in the sand now - I stand my ground when I've had enough, not by shouting or having a hissy fit, just by ignoring and detaching. I was so fearful when we separated - just like you - that he would take my children away from me. Now I know that life is just going to be me getting on with things 90% of the time... I think he is relieved there is no drama. He comes for his set days and I don't hear from him in between, I'd go as far as to say it's all pretty civil at the moment. He sees baby in my home and today we had a 45 min conversation about the kids over a cup of tea.

The kicker is that he knows I couldn't give a monkeys fart about his life, and he's not a part of mine beyond being their dad. Conversation is only about the kids, everything else is off limits. Knowing I can opt out of the drama has made me a much happier person... I don't think it's willpower actually, I think I just realised that the sooner I accept it the better my life will be. After all, fear is only your imagination running away with you - what he might do or what you think would break your heart... it's not really what I was dealing with day to day. My reality is that day to day he isn't around and when there is no fuel to the fire, he doesn't get in touch with horrible crap. I decided to deal with the day I'm in, and only that. I hope it makes sense when I say that... I just can't live being afraid of my shadow, wondering what he might do. So all I deal with is what is right in front of me. When I decided to do that, and decided not to answer texts etc, he stopped being right in front of me, and I figured out I could actually move on a bit... sorry, not sure how clear that all was! I'm a bit knackered. DS1 just in bed, DS2 feeding. Yawn!!

[Pickles77]

choco I hope you know what an inspiration you are
jelly he is a parsons Russell (long haired jack Russell) that is far too protective of his mum. He has to go to rehab twice a week now all day as us being seperated causes a lot of problems (it's mutual) he thinks he is my DH. Growls when people come near me. So unfortunately we need to get it sorted before baby comes, it's breaking my heart

He's my world at the minute, me him and baby- we are our family.

[skyebluesapphire]

Pickles, choco truly is an inspiration and I knew she would be perfect to help you (hi choco)

Please ignore anything your twunt says about you, it says more about him than it does about you.... He is angry because he has no control over what is happening. You are very strong and doing amazingly well.

[Pickles77]

Thanks sky (you are fantastic too!!!)

[Jellykat]

Ah Pickles, my mum has a Jack Russell, he bit the Postman for no reason whatsoever, now he growls at anyone in a red car/van.. think they're prone to be a bit fierce, wonder if it's cos they're so little.

Hope it gets sorted out quickly, the 3 of you together would be a great family

[Pickles77]

Yes the three of us will be a great big liability family
I think he could be related to your mums!
He's snoring now, on the pillow next to me

[Jellykat]

Sounds good to me... Now that DS1 has left home and my lovely doggy has died, all i'm left with is a hormonal teen and a piggin' goldfish!
Thank god for MN i reckon.

Yep, they're probably brothers as mum Russell was a growler too.

[Pickles77]

Stick with MN- stay away from the pooches

[Jellykat]

and irresponsible arseholes

[Pickles77]

I actually can't do this anymore.
I've lost everything. My job. My home. Everything.
I've lost my job really- I won't be able to do it after the baby arrives.
My home. I have to live with my parents I've got nowhere else to go & I hate it. It's fine when my dad is away but when he is here is awful. He's so selfish. I have to do everything he wants and says all the time. I'm tired in worn out and I just want to be left alone but I have nowhere to go or hide.

Im currently paying to get my dog retrained, as he's very possessive with me, bad with other dogs and it will be awful when the baby comes. I don't have any money anyway so it's money I don't have trying to do that because I need my dog. He is all I have left.
This is the problem, my mum follows the dogs new rules fine. Realises I'm the dogs
Owner. My dad won't though, won't even read the list of rules and over rules me all the time. It's a joke, this is money I don't have.
Im not being supported at all. I feel so alone again. I thought moving home would be better but it's not.
I have no space. My room is tiny. I have me, my dog and every bit
Of baby equipment in here. I can't move.
My dad just walks in and out whenever, I have no privacy. I can't even watch tv in peace. I'm demanded I make cups
Of tea for him, im frequently told I'm just a guest.
They talk about when I move out all the time, but I have no money and nowhere to go.
He works away most of the week which is fine, it's the weekends. I get no peace, im so stressed. I spend most of my time on here cheering myself up.
But today I've realised I have nowhere to go... At all. If I could get in my car and drive anywhere there would still be nowhere.
What do I do? It's one drama after another.

[skyebluesapphire]

Repeat after me, I am just having a funny five minutes.... You have been doing very well snd are going to have ups and downs.

What happens if you are homeless, I know you put something on your other thread? Surely the council will have to house you and your baby if you were made homeless?

Please dont buy into this. This is what your twunt has said to you that has made you feel like this.