Facing pregnancy alone?

[thedogsrolex]

There seem to be quite a few threads lately posted by women facing pregnancy alone for whatever reason. I was thinking maybe it would be a good idea to have one ongoing thread for support and advice...what do you think? I know it would have helped me way back when I had dd? (apologies if there is already one, I haven't come across it).

[Pickles77]

I need to ask if anyone knows about this. Can i stop my XP seeing the baby when shes here?
He says hes not interested in 'it' until 'its' born and how he's ridiculosly angry at me and 'it'
I said until he learns to respect me he is not seeing the baby, as he isnt hurting her like he has damaged me. Can i do that?

[Jellykat]

You can say it Pickles, but be aware if he takes you to court for contact later down the line, he will get it

[Pickles77]

Thanks for the speedy response Jelly. I just dont know what to do im trying to be the better person and i dont understand how he can be how he is about her now but then says he wants to see her. He says he only wants to see her because he has too.
I was going to make it easy for him, if he takes me to court though he might only be allowed supervised vists maybe? I dont know how it works. I dont want her taken away from me when ive been working so hard.
Im panicking now. I normally update on here but i cant at the moment as its getting to me again...

[chocoraisin]

The way I deal with my ex is this, it may help you, I don't know, but I try to see things this way -

I see my job re: contact as giving him the opportunity to be a good dad. If he does do that, brilliant. If he doesn't, I don't chase. In practice this means if he asks for something (time with the kids, phone calls, to give them stuff from him etc) I do my very best to facilitate it. If he doesn't, I don't go offering my soul or chasing to extraordinary lengths in the hope it will make him step up. It's made me feel much more calm to know that my job is to be a good mum, and his job is to be a good dad. I can't make him do his job, so I focus solely on doing mine, while allowing him the chance (when requested) to do his.

I'll never, ever stop him from being a good dad. But it is up to him to want to be one. Perhaps, you could just make a decision in your own mind not to care about what your ex might do and just get on with your job (for now). In other words, say nothing. Offer nothing. Do nothing... Don't say yes or no to contact right now at all. In the future if he asks to be a good dad, you can work out how you will facilitate that for your DD and him.

Right now he's being a prize tit so you can safely ignore him until that changes, without being in the wrong. But if you make noises about not allowing him to be a dad, you may discover he becomes a bull in a china shop about his 'rights' without taking time to reflect on his responsibilities. If you give him time to think (whether it be days, weeks, months or sadly even years) then he may realise that being a dad isn't a choice, it's a job he's signed up for. And by not doing it, he'll only have himself to blame in the future.

I know it's hard, but this too shall pass and you won't feel so raw forever xx

[Pickles77]

You speak words of wisdom choco, thank you for taking that time to post to me.
I just can't get my head around it. I feel like I'm doing so well & then he makes me feel like a child. I effectively take the bait and snap.
I guess I have bonded with the baby. He hasn't.
This just isn't what I wanted

[Jellykat]

I don't understand.. He only wants to see her because he has to? why does he have to?

and what do you mean by taken off you, do you mean during contact?

[Pickles77]

He says it's his responsibility and he will have to see her because I've been irresponsible in keeping a baby I shouldn't be having
Im worried he will brainwash her & become a doting father and take all access away from me out of spite

[skyebluesapphire]

Good advice there from choco.

He may or may not want to see DD when she is born. I would make him wait until you are recovered a bit from the birth anyway . Whether you see him or not that day is very much on your terms. Beyond that, he will have to step up to the mark and stick to agreed access. If not then its his loss.

[skyebluesapphire]

Tell him the decision is made now, no point in going over old ground, the baby is coming whether he likes it or not. It's his choice whether or not he becomes a father to her (not it, he knows what it's going to be!)

Your DD will love you because you are the one she will be with all the time. He will be McDonalds Daddy.

[Jellykat]

Pickles, please don't panic, she isn't here yet, and the stressing is no good for you or her.. How can he take all access away from you? i don't know your history..

All sorts of things may happen, he may change his mind, he may fall completely in love with her, he might meet someone else and decide he can't be arsed..

You concentrate on you and her for now, your bond is strong and will continue to be.. Is he going to be there at the birth?

[chocoraisin]

you will never have to worry about him removing her from you sweetie, family law just doesn't work that way. You will be resident parent and as you aren't married you don't even have to name him on the birth cert, which would mean he hasn't got parental responsibility (although I personally have my doubts about whether not naming him is a good idea in the long run).

If you are very frightened about how it all works why don't you go and see a specialist family law solicitor for the free half hour (most law firms offer a free initial consult) so you can ask a bit more about the system and put your mind at rest? You don't need to use the info and launch into an adversarial court system just because you asked a few questions, and it's always nice to know facts not just be stuck fretting over your fears.

[Pickles77]

Thank you guys. Its just so so hard
Thanks for scraping me up again.
There's a lovely girl on one of the other threads whose exp is like mine but it's early days for them.
I've invited her to hop over here

Once again thank you.
I'm definable going to look into the legal family stuff. It might help put my mind at rest a little.

[Jellykat]

Pickles, think i'll tell you a bit of my story to put your mind at rest a bit..

Split with DS2s dad at 3 months pregnant, he didn't want anymore kids so did it all by myself while he went off with my best mate.. When DS2 was 8 months he decided he wanted contact, i said No and he took me to court.. Yes he got contact and PR, but PR really doesn't mean much on a day to day level, and contact was a couple of hours every other Saturday, because of DSs age and i was still BFeeding, this increased via negotiation through the courts and over months and months, ending up with every other weekend at 3 years. The courts don't just suddenly give masses of contact, it has to be built up over time for the DC to feel ok.

I of course, like you, was the resident parent, yes the maximum he could've gone for was 50/50 parenting, but he wouldn't of i eventually realized - thats too much like hard work!
I was so scared like you initially, but believe me, the courts don't just take DC off the resident parent.

You know you are her mum and you always will be - and there's only one of you and its the day to day stuff that forms the solid bond, feeding them when they're small, nursing them when they're poorly, potty training etc etc and you'll be the one doing that.

You don't have to have him there at the birth unless you say so and he has to be present at registration to go on the birth certificate, again that's your decision.. You have a lot more control then you think.

[Pickles77]

jelly thank you, you just calmed me down more than you will ever know.
I hope one day I can tell my story in the positive way you tell yours

[Jellykat]

You're welcome Pickles

I don't know when you're due, but i felt like the bond you feel now, before they're born, stays in your heart, it makes you fiercely protective for always.. In a way the absent parent has to build that bond, and that takes time and commitment (which tbh a lot of absent parents can't quite be arsed with)

I've seen this with both DSs dads now 23 and 14. DS1 hasn't seen his dad since he was 16 (his choice) and DS2 sees his (bearing in mind he took me to court) once or twice a year now, neither have suffered because of it, they're happy..

You just never know how these things will turn out in the long run, so try not to fret.. Just look forward to finally meeting her face to face, and try not to let XPs presence overshadow your enjoyment - deal with his future comings and goings when and if they happen

[Pickles77]

Yes your right, we've had a very turbulent time of it lately.
I am going to enjoy my last 8 weeks & no one will ruin it!!

[Jellykat]

Too right!
Only 8 weeks left, that's exciting!

If you ever wobble again, post, we'll be here

[angelelle]

Oh pickles, hug, as u know i am in à very similar boat. I spent weeks having à complete meltdown as i thought the ex and his new gf were going to take My baby away and be parents to her!! Now i know that was crazy pregnancy thinking but it doesnt make it easier. What people above are saying is right. He wont suddenly just get tons of access. It Will be à slow build up over time as he has to get to know the child. Similar to you My ex also says he Will see the baby out of duty but does not what anything to do with me during pregnancy. I am now trying just to focus on last two months of pg. I have no idea what he Will do after the birth, he might never darken My doorstep again or he may melt at the sight of his daughter. I cant know and for now am trying to put it to one side as i have no control over it. And it is not Easy for me to say that. I have been à wobbling mess for 7 months. Lol. Thankfully friends and family helping me through. I still kept him on à pedestal for quite à while but now i realise what what an utter nob he is....and spinless to boot. It does help me to have evil thoughts about him sometime, we are only human after all!! :) pm at any time...we are going through such similar things and are giving birth à week apart:) i have first nct tomorrow. Dreading the whole couples bit but hey ho....

[angelelle]

Oh and a Friend gave me marian keyes watermelon to read...it has really helped me:)

[Pickles77]

Thanks angel, ive ordered watermelon this morning
Dont think it helps when you feel ropey makes me more hormonal.
Good luck with the NCT, are you going alone?
I have mine next week

[Pickles77]

That's what I think would be the right thing for me to do. Shock him into behaving right. However, how does that affect maintenance? Im actually not too bothered by any payments from him. Id rather be truely alone and left to get on with my life.
Rather than all up in the air as it is right now. If he's not involved, it's black and white.
I'm just sick of always trying to do the right thing for everyone. Because the only person to get upset & hurt is me. But I cant stop- its like I have no self control.
My councillor says we need to find a way to get my anger out. Rather than the grieving of a loss which I'm doing at the minute. I'm told the anger will come- but it's taking a bloody long time

[Pickles77]

Thank you, that sounds a plan...

Might go smash some plates