Facing pregnancy alone?

[thedogsrolex]

There seem to be quite a few threads lately posted by women facing pregnancy alone for whatever reason. I was thinking maybe it would be a good idea to have one ongoing thread for support and advice...what do you think? I know it would have helped me way back when I had dd? (apologies if there is already one, I haven't come across it).

I'm glad you agree! He has no reason to refuse one night in the week as his DS goes to his mums one night a week so it can be that night if he wants.

They recommend 9 hours a week and I'd be happy with that. 2 hours a fortnight is a joke!

Be nice when your DD can arrange her own access by the sounds of it. Obviously a long way off though.

He's not going to budge on the contact.

What do I do? Accept 2-3 hours a fortnight or tell him where to shove it?

I personally would stop asking for more hours you cant force him to become a father. It seems he dont want to no! I dont want to sound nasty or horrid but hes the one losing out and its causing you stress and worry.

Your daughter wont hate you but i mean 2-3 hours every 2 weeks?

I'd rather have nothing than that and I think it will be better for her too.

It's a joke when his son lives with him! He knows what a decent father is so why is he suggesting this?!

Argh I give up!

Its pissing you off that his son lives with him? I would make my blood boil too!

Because it sounds he dont want anything to with your DD. That hurts the most when they dont want anything to do with your child.

I wanted my ex there but its not worth it, he wants to see him take me to court as i see it.

I always think of it like this if this was your DD in the situation what would you say to her?

In years to come you could meet a new man and he could be wonderful to your DD. Even though hes not her 'real' father. I bet most men would do a better job!!

I hope your feeling okay today.

Urgh - I don't really know what to suggest here as I have no experience of being in the incredibly difficult position you're in, flumpy.

It sounds as though mediation is not the way to go, but whether counselling would be any better or not? Hard to say... if you're both uncomfortable in those sorts of 'controlled' situations, I think the presence of someone else is likely to make things as awkward and difficult in feel as mediation has been.
If you're able to at least talk civilly to each other outside of that situation (where you are both safe, and able to leave if need be) then that might be the way to work towards a mutually agreeable resolution.

What your XP is saying now (regarding contact) may not turn out to be the reality - it could be that he'll decide that he wants to be a full-on parent once your DD is here. Or he may decide he wants no contact. Or he may stick to his few hours a fortnight. I would think that some contact (however small) would be better than none, but that is something you need to determine.
A friend of mine has custody of her 4 children, but when her XH has them (every other weekend) he spends most of the time out - and his new partner takes care of them (or at least as much care as she can, considering she has children from a previous marriage who live with them). The eldest of my friend's children is 17 and has said that she wants nothing more to do with her Dad, and doesn't want to see him. The next eldest has implied the same.
So, ultimately, the children are the ones who'll be calling the shots.

As someone who is inherently lazy, I honestly believe that there is no point making things harder in life than they have to be. Sometimes that means 'closing the book' on things and moving on. But rather move on and see what else comes your way than sitting still getting nowhere. Sometimes the secret to fulfilment is not to try, try, try until you get what you want (only to find out that it isn't at all what you thought it was), but to try, and if you fail, try something else.

Sorry, realise that's all rather rambling and philosophical. Please feel free to tell me to sod off! :)

Flumpy, I have to agree, don't chase him. At least you are talking and he is willing to have some contact and once the baby is born and its more real he may increase this. My ex wont even speak to me and to be honest I have given up chasing. I have realised that it is his loss and my dd can have a lovely happy life with me and my family giving her love. I have at every turn tried to get us to have an amicable relation,bearing in mind there was no animosity before I got pregnant so my only crime is to be pregnant!, even offering to go to mediation for the sake of the child, but he has decided he wants nothing to do with us so I gave up chasing 3 months ago and feel better for it. He knows where we are, if he wishes to see his daughter I won't stop him but I would prefer him not to be part of our lives than being in and out and unreliable. I know it is really tough as you so badly want them to love their child like you will but you can't force them hun.

At the end of the day it is there loss. Some men never care and others feel shit that they don't have contact with their child. I can't let it be my problem anymore. My focus has to be on my daughter. What he does or doesn't do is out of my control so I can't waste my energy on it anymore - or I will end up in the loony bin. Lol.

The main thing is you have tried, I know if my child asks me in the future I can say that I did try and did not stop contact. I have a friend who has a 13 year old son in a similar position. He asked a bit about his dad when he was younger but now he is cool with it, he knows who is dad is but doesn't ask about it, they have no contact and he is a lovely well balanced boy. Its his dads loss.

xxx

Also to echo goeff, sometimes when children are older they will realise their dad is a loser and actually chose NC themselves! I know several cases of this where dad forgets birthdays, to turn up etc etc. When children get older they will remember who were there for them everyday...hopefully these absent dads realise then what shits they are...but I doubt it. Since I got into this position I have heard more and more horror stories of dads just wanting nothing to do with their children. SOmething I will never understand and makes me never want to date again!!!

Thankfully I have some wonderful male friends who say they would never have done that and have restored some of my faith in the man race! One even offered to have his name on the birth certificate and another offered to bump the ex off-alhtough tempting I said I needed him alive for money, ha ha.

I have realised that what these cowardly men do is make US feel bad that we got pregnant, that we are trying to get them invovled, that we are this and that. This is what my ex has done my whole pregnancy whenever I have tried contact. I have NEVER freaked out at him, called him names, forced him into anything. Always tried to just reach out the olive branch. But I am finally starting to realise it is his problems he is projecting onto me. His spinelessness, his fear, his anger etc etc.....I cant make it my problem anymore. I am actually surprised I have not ended up in funny farm during pregnancy. Did get a psychologist through midwife who, when I described ex, said he needed 20 years of therapy himself to sort out his problems :)

Its not us, its them!!!

Thank you all for your support.

My issue is he is a good dad to his son, he would lay down his life for him, spend every spare moment with him and nothing and no one comes before him. How can he be so devoted to one child and just basically ignore another?

When I suggested more contact he said perhaps no contact was better. Is he trying to get a rise out of me to make me the bad guy? Does he want me to say he can't see her so he can blame me?

I'm so confused. He's now ignoring emails about the house in the full knowledge that it is stopping me moving forward - highly frustrating! So to that end I haven't broached more contact conversation again because I'm sure it would just be received in the same way.

I haven't screamed or shouted or blamed him for leaving or hounded him or anything an yet he makes me feel like some psycho who needs to be avoided like the plague!

I wish I could cut contact but unfortunately he is paying for the house and it's still full of his things etc etc and bumping into one another is inevitable living only 4 miles apart!

Where's the man who swore to be friends no matter what for the sake of DD after he left?!

I just feel full of anger and crying all the time. I wish someone could make him see how unreasonable he is being with this snails pace of sorting things out!!

i do feel for you :( obviously I am 'lucky' that we did not share anything when I got pregnant so we have basically been able to cut all contact, well he has anyway. And so to be honest I just have to accept that is his choice. I am bracing myself for him wanting to come and see DD (he will be too curious not too, his ego is so big) and possible barrage of nastiness but at that point I know I am in control of the situation and will do all I can to protect DD and myself. It is awful that he has ignored us...and this also from a man who said whatever happened we would always be friends...I guess pregnancy was not on that list. But in the long run it has helped me move on and let go.

cry if you need to ...i cry at least one time a day...I keep blaming the hormones. Lol. I realise that what is upsetting me now is not so much that i want him back and the dream family, I think I have finally started to move on from that, or the loss of a friend, he has not acted like a friend. It is the fact that he has humiliated me infront of mutual friends and colleagues and been cruel and I have no power to change that. There is nothing I can do or say to change how he has acted publically towards me. I basically just had to sculk off to save my own sanity. I just know karma will get him in the end!

just had a bit of a setback :( a colleague from work just emailed to see how i was which was really sweet of her but it just reminded me of how shit my last few months there were (ex and i were colleagues too) and I proud I had been of my job and how I basically just had to end up going on sick leave because it became so awful so now I am in tears again. I am just so angry that I didnt have the guts to stand up to him then, I pretty much let him humiliate me infront of our colleagues as at that stage I was scared to 'rock the boat' as I so desperately wanted him to be part of dd life. Sorry, just had to let off some steam, had a good day and now I am just remembering how work ended and how truly horrid he was to me during that time. I just don't know how anyone can treat a pregnant woman like that, whether you have had a relationship or not. I remember one time I thought I was having a misscarriage due to all the stress and he just walked by me and ignored me, never asked how I was! It is sickening. Oh well, a good cry lets it all out!!

angelelle dont feel upset because of that, any person who be belittles someone like the bastard not the one whos getting the backlash of their big mouth!!.

You have realised that its not going to the way you wanted and it sucks, its not a big step back. Having a cry wont hurt, in a few months time you wont even cry. I left my ex at 10w and i use to be a wreck. Now im 24w and so much happier!.

Why would you want your DD to know him if he treats you like that whilst pregnant?!

Hi, I went through my third pregnancy alone when my husband left. It was so so hard, months of tears because I was grieving for the marriage and he was total bastard to me. But, I came out the other side so much stronger and I am a better person for it and have so much more to give my children now. Each year it's got easier and somehow I coped. That "baby" started school this week, it was amazing. I wish you love and luck, things will pass, they will change. x

Hello ladies! I am so shaken atm, my mum and dad have been in car accident, dad had to be cut out and has head truma. My mum is alive and well. The other man died he was on the motorbike and was in the wrong. Car is smashed to pieces. Worried sick. Mums home and okay.

I am still in shock as i was going to out with them tonight and the whiplash of what my mum got with an airbag, my child would of died no doubt.

My dads in a state saying poor man ive killed him. Im so stressed and trying to keep it together. My dad looks like something out of SAW!!!?

Xmas you poor thing, are you ok?
You mustn't torture yourself with what could've been if you'd gone with them etc. I really hope everyone's ok. Try not to stress for baby's sake, deep breathes and make sure you try to eat. It's a huge shock for everyone.
I don't know what else to say, I'm here feel free to download any time. Big hugs xxx

Xmaseve - so sorry about your parents, your dad must be in deep shock. Do you have other family members who can help you? Or friends of your parents?

Try not to get stressed out. Look after yourself.

Xmas I really hope your okay and they are okay, do you have enough support xx

Xmas so sorry to hear that - but please focus on the fact that they are still alive and well, albeit very shaken. Do you have any other family that can help out to relieve the stress and running around from you?

My ILs had an accident last week - wasn't a case of having to be cut out but both were very shaken (they're both pensioners so the effects of the shock could have been far worse), and sustained mild injuries. Hopefully the shock hasn't affected MIL too much as she is due to have an operation in three weeks' time.

The man was in a chopper bike type and hit the car with so much force it my dads head bounced off the side window and knocked him out. If we didn't have a big car both would of died...

Got knocked out straight away, the man was under the car, i think he died on impact. No its just panic i thought my dad was dead because of another mans silly actions. I mean poor man it could be a misjugdment of the car(which i doubt because of the road) and he lost his life over something silly.

I have my brother who i talk to but i think ill talk to my MW and ring her up monday.

Dad is home now, got broken toes which i said i will do blue for him, he still looks deluded and shocked.

Going to go town one of the days and go shopping will help both of them in these 6 weeks upcoming. I will do loads of cooking/cleaning. The pain i have will just be keep aside for there sakes.

My ex ex ex did contact me a few days ago and we started talking, he's nice in the navy so i think if i do have a wobble i will message him. I trust him.

I will update you later xx

Dads got his foot broke in 3 places but feels a lot better. Its just shock.

I think it will be in the paper, i just hope to god there isnt a photo of him, he would of been over 21 due to the size of his bike.

I am helping mum and dad out stomach muscles are playing up loads and getting braxton hicks but i haven't told them that!

Oh Xmas, I'm so glad they are okay. I did post earlier but it didn't go through! I'm having real wobbles myself at the Mo but honestly if you need anything- anything message me x

Thank you and everyone.

The man was a 39-year old. Its on the local website. Not going to tell my dad.

At least its learnt that life can be taken away just like that, its shocking.

My dad suggested we got dial-a-pizza! I said yeah i think that would be nice

Mum saw the man under the car and thought my dad died. Oh its going to be hard.

I am feeling a lot better, speaking to my very close friend and talking to my ex. So its not that bad.

My 2 brothers fell out with my mum a week before and if my mum would of died how guilty must of they felt. Its shocking, im pregnant and hurting. Only one brother has rung up, the other 2 haven't rung or asked and one lives local. Its pissed me right fucking off to say the least.

Sorry to hear that Xmas and thank goodness you and your family are OK although I realise it is all very traumatic for you. Pickles, if YOU need anything PM me. I had a wobbler yesterday but feel better today. Did some massive fb stalking in the morning which made me feel shit - why do I do this? But had coffee with a friend in the afternoon who reminded me that me ex is a turd/psychopath which made me feel better. Now just wishing my indegestion would go away!!!

hugs

Really sorry wrong thread ignore that