Facing pregnancy alone?

[thedogsrolex]

There seem to be quite a few threads lately posted by women facing pregnancy alone for whatever reason. I was thinking maybe it would be a good idea to have one ongoing thread for support and advice...what do you think? I know it would have helped me way back when I had dd? (apologies if there is already one, I haven't come across it).

Yes bitter and twisted is if you still feel the same in 20 years Hopefully not.........

Uh oh seven pm blues are arriving

no they arent. Why? Why 7pm blues :-(

Im trying to persuade DD to go to bed ready for school tomorrow.....

Whats up? Tell Auntie Skye all about it....

Oh just feeling a bit low.
Uh oh is the bedtime routine not working?

haha, what routine, that went out of the window around 5 months ago, when STBXH walked out, lol. By the time I started to get a grip, it was the school holidays.....

But the routine starts tonight and must continue! Although she wants to sleep in my bed still...

Aww that's so sweet though- impractical I know but sweet.

just to let you know that I just got back from the hospital tour, lucky me...8 other couples and every single one was holding hands!!! Now back home with cuppa and a few biscuits. Am planning to continue to pig out until dd arrives and then start my new routine, lol. Sorry to hear of the 7pm blues Pickles...I get the morning blues as i tend to have bad dreams about ex but by the evening I usually feel OK and quite content. Today has been quite a shitty day though and am knackered. And yes Skye, hopefully not bitter yet!!! >That is the worst thing though, when they turn round and call you bitter and you are like, no, I am angry!!!! Luckily mine has chosen to disappear so in a sense a blessing as i am not sure i could keep my mouth shut if he provoked me now, in the first few months i was so scared of pissing him off that i let him treat me badly and say whatever he wanted. WIsh i had stood up for myself then but did not have the strength :(

Flumpy - how did it go today? Xx

Hello all,

Well mediation was worse than I ever could have imagined. We were kept in deprecate waiting rooms and once in the room together made no eye contact for an hour! The guy explained mediation and then had a few moments alone with each of us in turn and then we had 25 minutes to mediate. We talked about his stuff from the house to which I said I hadn't stopped him having access, he threw the first punch by motioning to leave saying it wouldn't work if one of us was going to lie. I then explained I have simply said he can have access to the house so long as he gives me prior notice, which I think is fair! Any way we just basically argued and tore strips off of one another until the end. He couldn't say if he was going to be involved in his daughters life, he couldn't discuss sorting the house, he told me due to the abuse he wouldn't be giving me his new number - the moron doesn't realise I already have it!!!

So I left in a torrent of tears, saved for when I was out of sight of him. Sat in my car for close to an hour waiting for him to return to his. He must have known because low and behold he turns up with my friends husband in tow to walk him to his car to protect him from the evil that is me. I broached with an olive branch saying we should swap spare keys to our cars over so we did. I attempted another rational conversation which didn't go well with friends husband butting in!!! In the end I finally managed to get him to reluctantly agree to meet later on, just the 2 of us at 7.

So he turns up at 7:25 claiming we said 7:30 and I calmly say its ok even though I don't feel it!! We have a calm conversation about the house and he says he will raise me 5k if I can move out but he won't help me with physically moving. He says he won't help with the dog and that she's my responsibility or he calls the RSPCA, he's still unclear about dd.
We go round in a few circles and it gets quite emotional one min he thinks no contact would be kinder and the next he really wants to be part of her life. He says he'll see her for a couple of hours a fortnight and I say that's not enough to establish a bond and he actually says he's scared of too much emotional attachment!!!

I left reeling, refused to hug him, cried and shook all the way home. He says he'll call today but I'm not sure why. I didn't think it was possible to feel worse!!!

Some of me feels I need to totally cut him out and the other feels we need to find a way to be friends....... Help!!! xx

Flumpy - I'm sorry it was so bad for you. I barely made eye contact with STBXH at mine. Have you got another session arranged?

Regarding the baby, he may feel differently once she is born. I think all you can do is establish some basic ground rules for now and see how it goes.

You can have mediation in separate rooms if you want to.

Skye,

No more sessions arranged as even the mediator said it didn't look like it was going to work. Tbh I think we did better on our own last night than we ever will at mediation.
Neither of us are good at being in a controlled situation, especially when it's costing him £160 and I'm having to drive an hour to get there

I really really want to establish a friendship but I don't know how and neither does he. I just think we need to spend positive time together focusing on the baby but I'm not sure we're ready for that yet.

I'm still terrified of him and what he might do, the key to this seems to be learning to trust one another again. Perhaps counselling could be better than mediation??

We had an amazing friendship before we were together and I feel we could have something similar now. The trouble is there's so much bitterness, I'm bitter because he left, he's bitter because he's skint because he has to pay for the house etc, I'm scared because I'm all alone and he won't support me and he's scared of being too emotionally attached and too involved!!
The hardest thing is I miss his son, I raised him like my own for 3 years and loved him so much, the last 2 months have been unbearable with no contact with him but I think I'm starting to accept that I may never have that now.

I truly never believed life could be this difficult!!! Trouble is we can both still identify with all those strong feelings that make us want to hug and make it all ok again but self preservation and a realistic view stops us. So hard!! x

Anyone else think I'm mad for wanting to be friends??

Yes, it sounds like counselling would be good. I think me and STBXH should have had joint counselling to help me in particular and to make him face up to his actions, but he refused to go.

In your situation, counselling would probably be better.

When me and H were trying to reconcile (so I thought) but he was living elsewhere, we always hugged when he left, but then one night he kissed me, then said it was just because he didnt like to see me upset. It was too confusing for me. So when he wrote a horrible letter, I said thats it, you dont come in the house any more as its too upsetting for everybody.

Being friends is the best outcome that anybody could wish for, but there has to be clear boundaries so that you dont get hurt.

No I want my ex as a friend too- your not mad

I hope to be friends with my STBXH one day. Give it around 20 years and I might get there.....

In your situations, being pregnant, its a totally different thing. You need to be able to communicate with them about access, maintenance etc as I do, but they need to commit to the access and stick to it for the childs sake.

Just dont take any crap from them

Hi

It will be whether I can convince him to go to counselling though. He won't attend the infant parent perinatal service which I already attend because he says he's a bad dad and a bad person an he doesn't need someone else to tell him that!! I wonder when he will start realising its not about him it's about our DD.

I also think that his suggestion of a couple of hours a fortnight is unreasonable when his 15 year old son will have him 7 days a week! Surely he has to divide some of his time rather than squeeze her into the gaps!
How is 3 hours a fortnight going to benefit me or give us any support?!

The most frustrating thing is that I just know it doesn't have to be this way and that we could be friends if the boundaries can be set which suit is both. The issue comes in settling those boundaries. Ie not helping with the dog is not reasonable. No help in the initial couple of weeks when he's entitled to paternity leave is not on!

Tell me I'm being fair?! x

I just also need to say that of all the friends, family and midwives etc I have found you people on here the most supportive by far! I wish i'd had this sooner! Thanks all x

flumpy I think if he wants to go counselling, he will.

Dont think im sounding a bitch here because i dont want to say he will do this and that.

My ex said he would and hasnt, i have got over it if he dont want to be there for his child thats his choice.

Its stressing you out because he spends all time with his 15 year old son and says only a few hours with his future baby.

You are being fair completely! I agree with all what you said. But from the way hes saying it he dont care that much about it.

Its sad to think that but sometimes children are better off without unreliable dad. I mean consistency is what your baby needs, if he dont turn up a few times you will be pissed off?

I think i have a different view on being friends with my baby's father. I dont want to even look at him. Nor do i want a family with him, he asked me back a few days ago. I just left him in the lurk like he did me!

It will get better, shopping for baby clothes and doing things by yourself makes you feel amazing!!

Xmas

Thanks for your reply.

You're right, the trouble is he's weak so although he wouldn't agree to counselling I could probably persuade him. He's v naive in that he wants to move forward but it's keen to do anything in order to achieve that so here we remain in this stagnant state!

I think deep down he does want to be involved as much as possible but he's torn with being too emotionally attached to her and not being able to deal with that and also with leaving his son out who has had undivided daddy time since birth!

The other part of me thinks that it's me, he wants to be around her but not me and the limitations are to limit the time around me because we argue and because he is weak and ends up giving in to doing more than he really wants to ie walking dog

We've had emails today and I offered him to all which he declined to even answer and jut continued to email. Trouble is its constant back and forth and it's ambiguous when a telephone call would resolve it.

The same as meeting last night, I had to convince him but in the end he felt it was positive but he never seems to be able to look at things this way with foresight, he sees anything I suggest as negative or that I'm being controlling.

Doesn't he realise that if it was about what I wanted then I wouldn't be a single mum at all!!!

There's no firm decisions on anything it's all wishy washy and he changes all the time and you're right I do need consistency for my daughter but I don't have it in my heart to cut him from his daughters life!

I think I will end up feeling how you do and not wanting to be friends if he continues this charade!

It's been a really tough day :-( X

I understand what you say, he wants to sometimes but only when he want?

I think you should leave him and let him make the next move? It will be hard to not, will want to talk to him.

He would cut you out his life without a doubt, i mean when i saw he would raise 5k but not help you move out? I see it from an outside view and i was quite shocked when i saw that. Hes just a bastard.

You love him still and find it tough, any mum don't want to be single!

If anyone would tell me last christmas day, you and your bf would not be together, and next year i would be due on christmas eve, single and him not helping. I would of laughed in there face!

I wouldn't saying your cutting, he needs to fucking sort his priorities out!

I hate my ex if he died i wouldn't flinch. I loved him and thought he never would but he shown what hes like. Me and my son are and will be better off without him!

I think you need time for yourself as this is all up in the air and so raw. Going out for the day or having a pamper day for yourself?

I bought a new bag, shoes and top i feel so much better!!

I think that contact with a baby needs to be built up anyway. My DD is 4 and sees her dad for 8 hours on a Sunday (and will spend one whole weekend a month with him when he moves into his own place).

But if she were a baby, I would not want to let her out of my sight. If your ex has a child already, then he should know how to look after a baby. If you get on Ok with breastfeeding, then DD wont be able to be away from you for long anyway

I would say a couple of hours a week, in your house, if you are comfortable with that, is probably about right to start with, but obviously as DD grows up, you would expect him to spend more time with her.

I wish I had the money to go and spoil myself to make myself feel better!

I do still love him and it all hurts so much but I do accept that it's over and it's better for all of us in the long run because of the arguing and the fact that we fundamentally disagree on so many major things.

I just can't believe this total turn around that one minute being in her life was the most important thing when we first split and now he's proposing 3 hours a fortnight!!!

I cannot believe I'm going to be tied to him for the rest of my life :-(

I feel exactly the same. I don't want to deprive DD but I wish I never had to see the ex again. He has just rung from his holiday in Majorca and now thinks he is father of the year no doubt, he can sod off and get drunk on cocktails again and forget about her for another day.

Its the frustration that is the killer. If it was just you having to decide everything, it would be easier.....

Oh god that would infuriate me!!! How old is DD? Does she talk to him on the phone?

I have suggested one eve a week and one day at weekend but he thinks that's ridiculous. How is it? That's how much he saw his son when he was NRP! I will also be a new mum and his DD and I will need support.

Have to see him again tomorrow, he is taking dog to get and collecting more stuff from house

I would say that one evening a week and one day a weekend is fine. That is what I was going to suggest for DD, but her dad wont commit to in the week due to his work. We have had many arguments about him turning up late etc. It totally does my head in and is why we went to mediation.

DD is 4yo and she talked to him on the phone last night and tonight.

I told him that if he cant see her in the week then he should ring her....