Facing pregnancy alone?

[thedogsrolex]

There seem to be quite a few threads lately posted by women facing pregnancy alone for whatever reason. I was thinking maybe it would be a good idea to have one ongoing thread for support and advice...what do you think? I know it would have helped me way back when I had dd? (apologies if there is already one, I haven't come across it).

Hello brave and amazing ladies, still reading your posts but not posting so much :) Think I am going through the final hurdles now of emotionality!! I decided that September was going to be my month for being strong and looking forward but have already cried once this morning. Think it is finally hitting me that he is not even going to wish me luck before the birth...in a way I never want to hear from him again but my emotions say I want him to acknowledge that I am going into labour with his child in a few weeks and just say, hey, hope it all goes well.

Anyhoot, went to Olympics yesterday and managed to have a great day and not think about twunt hardly at all :) Also read in the paper that David Weirs gf did not see him at Olympics as she was 8 months preggo. So very proud of myself for going and seeing him get Gold!!

Had coffee with my NCT group last week and again this week. I feel a bit better about hanging out with them now all the dads aren't there, lol. YOu kind of feel a bit 'diseased' when you are the only one that is left holding the baby but I have told them the basics so they know and no one is making a big deal about it so its nice to have people to talk about birth fears and incontinence with, ha ha.

I think my biggest concern at the mo is that in an ideal world I never have to see or speak to her father again, move on and get over the pain. Reality is I will have to talk and probably see him again :( I felt a bit empowered after talking to a lawyer though. She said, esp. when baby is little I am in total control as to how much he gets to see her, he doesn't have to come to my home etc and he cant force me to move anywhere to be nearer him. I am sticking to where my family and friends are!!! So trying to regain some power now and thinking positively.

Anyway, sorry long rant there, I realise I am just hopping in and out and totally breaking up your trains of thought here. Ha ha.

xxx

Hi everyone. Hope we are all well today.

When I gave birth I was 10kg lighter than when I had got pregnant! I was so sick all the way through the pregnancy and my appetite vanished, so I lost weight instead of putting it on and I had cravings for Coco Pops, Wagon Wheels and Belgian Buns, it was carb city, lol. So dont worry about what you eat, the baby wants it remember .

xmas well done for being so strong.

angelle - I wish that my ex would vanish so I never had to see him again but because of DD that wont happen. I thought I was getting over him, but seeing him twice this week has brought the feelings back. But if you arent married then you have the rights and he doesnt, so he cant make you do anything.

I know, and that is what feels good :) I realise that he has tried to control me a lot of the time we have known each other and him saying horrible things to me throughout my pregnancy has just been another way of him trying to control me. Like he has wanted nothing to do with me/her but when I said I might go back and study again he threw out 'well you might not be able to do that as I want shared custody'!! Hello! You dont even know if we are alive or dead. I was crushed at the time but now I realise it is just another way of him trying to push me down and exert control. Making me feel better realising that I have the rights and power right now. Unfortunately like you I still have feelings however much of a dickhead he is and I am dreading having to meet him to present our child. I am sure it will be quite an emotional moment and if he just looks at her coldly well then I will feel like shit.

Anyway, nothing I can predict right now and it will probaby take him a few months before he sees her as he lives overseas which gives me time to adjust to being a mum and bonding. Solicitor said that has he told me to take a hike and has then been incomunicado, it is up to him to travel to see her, pay for flights etc.

I just bought Paul McKennas book, I can heal your broken heart, lol. Listening to the cd at night...fingers crossed eh.

xx

Hi,

Your situation doesn't sound dissimilar to mine but you sound soo much stronger than me!!

I'm 25 weeks pregnant with first child. Ex partner left on 23rd July and took his son who lived with us but left me with the dog and guinea pigs!
Originally wanted to be friends and came and helped when I went into renal failure but then had an argument and since then he has had no contact. Informed him when we went into pre term labour and asked if he would walk dog, he turned his phone off and changed his number.
We are meeting tomorrow at mediation an I'm terrified! I want to be the bigger person but am scared I'll just dissolve into tears. I'm not sure whether he's going to apologise, be formal about contact or tell me he wants nothing to do with us! I feel totally unarmed and a bag of nerves!!

Like you I still have feelings but I do have enough self preservation now that no matter what I would never go bck. To not be able to contact the father of your child in an emergency and to be left to deal with all this is just disgusting of him, however nice he can be, this is the other side of the coin which could flip at any time! Men!!
Single mums!! I keep thinking of the chant in about a boy 'single parents alone together'

Have you got support for the birth and early weeks? xx

flumpy He sounds a twat, id let him go with his son. At least he left you the dog/pigs if you like them.

Be cival with the man tomorrow, smile wear something nice but no OTT.

If he askes to walk the dog again ignore him. He left you remember.

I dont even want to contact mine, if anything happened or i come into pre labour i would NOT even contact him. When he changed his number he didn't want you to contact him which is such a cowardly thing to do.

You sound you need to cut him out your life for the time being.

Got a lovely a bunch of ladies here who are very supportive

Hi Flumpy, I'm glad you found the thread, i think it will help you. most of the posters are in the same boat as you (apart from me and notgeoff, we are here to support you guys). I just stalk pickles on whatever thread she is on .

I had mediation last week with my STBXH and it was difficult bit I addressed most questions to the mediators rather than him, so I didn't have to look st him too much. It was quite emotional for me though.

(he walked out on me and DD 4yo, right out of the blue saying he didn't love me any more, I was devastated

So I find it very hard to talk to him now )

Skye

Thank you for the advice, it helps to know that other people have faced the same hurdles. You all just sound much stronger than me!

I just keep focusing on the fact that this time tomorrow that first mediation will be over. Hope I feel better and not worse.

These men just totally shock me, to have a child and then leave or even before they're born in my case. Why agree to the child?!

The irony is he has rid me of all my confidence and self esteem telling me and my family that I was manipulative and controlling and he felt abused and trapped in the relationship. I'm no angel and I don't say there weren't times when I could be manipulative but I certainly wasn't abusive! And I suppose he thinks what he's currently doing isn't abusive?? The whole thing makes me so mad.

Thanks for all the support x

Flumpy. My H walked out with no prior warning. When I got him to talk to me, he said he didnt love me any more, had been unhappy for months, that I walked all over him, that the house was a disgrace, that we were never home, that I wanted holidays and he didnt (guess who is currently in Majorca? Clue, it isnt me ).

It is just a whole load of excuses that they give in order to justify themselves walking out. My H wrote me a 2 page letter detailing all my many faults. The only nice thing he could say about me was that i was a good mother. The rest of the letter detailed how I had never appreciated him (in 10 years), that i had hurt him many times over the years with my sarcastic comments, that I didnt let him see his friends, that he agreed to everything I said for an easy life (and then accused me of walking over him ), blah blah blah, the list was endless.

All of this was after I wrote him a lovely letter, telling him what a wonderful man, husband and father he was. (I thought he was having some sort of breakdown and wanted to reassure him that I did love and appreciate him etc). We even went on a date and had a lovely day and then WHAM, he hit me with his letter and that was it, no chance of reconciliation. He lied to his friends and family about me and told them that I was controlling and ruled his entire life. Of course they believe him.

He had told me many times that he would never be able to leave his child, to imagine her little face in the morning if he wasnt there would be heartbreaking etc. Yet he walked out rather than talk to me and try and fix our marriage.

Because of how he left and how he treated me afterwards, I find it impossible to see him or talk to him. I was totally dreading mediation and I cried a little before and afterwards. but I did feel better once it was out of the way

Sorry to go on, but sadly these men always seem to follow "the script", where they make you look as bad as possible, so that they had no choice but to walk away

Skye,

Sounds similar. He wrote to my parents detailing that he thought I had bi polar and that the emotional blackmail and mind games I played we're too much for him to live with. So having been shattered and then doubting my own sanity I started cbt and went to a psychiatric nurse only to discover that I don't really need any help, I'm perfectly normal and I have been living in a cycle where he makes me feel so low in order to exert control that I have hung on his every word and believed him. I've been totally devastated and desperate at times because this man has pulled the right strings to make me feel that way!

He wrote in the letter that he agreed to have a baby because he thought it would make me happy. Granted I've had no elation since conceiving after previously losing a baby at 20 weeks that won't come until she is born but he knew that.

He claims he was never enough and yet I was criticised if I worked full time, if I worked part time, if I didn't earn enough money, I adjusted working hours and plans to be there for his son, I was never good enough, ever! I didn't treat his son right, I was selfish if I wanted time with Sam alone, selfish if I didn't want to watch yet another boys film just for one night! Selfish if I wanted absolutely anything for me!! This was all drilled into me until I totally gave up my sense of self and had nothing left. I always wondered why his ex wife left - now I know. All he wants is his son, what will he have when he leaves home in a few years??

6 hours until mediation! I cannot eat! x

Flumpy - first thought is that you are much better off without him...

Mediation may make you feel worse straight after but it will make you feel better overall. You can address your questions to the mediators rather than to him. They will step in if it gets overheated or if you get upset. So you should feel safe and able to talk.

Skye

I'm not even sure whether I want him involved or not. To have to see him all the time will be awful but I'm not the sort of person who would ever stop him being involved but one false move and I wouldn't stand for it.

If he says no involvement at all ill be shocked I guess because the man I knew would never have done that but if he says yes I'll be terrified knowing I'll always have to see him. No idea which is the lesser o the 2 evils.

I hope I feel better, I hope I actually get some answers!

Wish I didn't have to wait all knotted up until 2pm

I have no idea how 2 humans go from so much love to this!? It's ridiculous not to be able to just sit and talk together without need for a mediator. As you can tell this is his doing, not mine. He simply won't speak any other way - so mature at 44!!! Grrrr x

I know. My STBXH is 48. My H called me childish and pathetic, but refused to answer any of the points that I put to him in email. We never argued when we were together, but all we have done since splitting up is argue over DD by text or email. In mediation he agreed to everything that I had suggested to him by email, but he wouldnt reply to email other than to say that I was dictating to him. When I said that in mediation, he denied saying it..... Ive got it free through Legal Aid, its costing him £140 for 1.5 hour session.......

I cant talk to him because I still love him. It hurts me too much. It is ridiculous that two people can go from one thing to the other. He claims that he stopped loving me some time ago and that I made his life a misery. The night before he walked out I can remember us sat in the lounge having a right laugh, before going to bed and making love.... we seem to be remembering two very different marriages.....

I wish that I never had to see him again, but he is DD's father and she loves him, so I have to grit my teeth and deal with it. You are a bit luckier in that you do not have a divorce to deal with.

The main thing, given your previous history, is that you look after yourself and do not allow him to stress you out. Take care xx

Hi Flumpy, if you were referring to me being strong then I don't always feel it but on this thread we are all strong!! I, like you, think I am at a point I would never have him back. What hurts is that I sit here going through the whole pregnancy stuff alone whilst he has moved in with a new woman and (in my mind) having the time of riley. He has refused to talk about anything practical the entire birth. Like Skye I also wrote him a lovely letter saying how much he meant to me, how I understood he was daunted by fatherhood, how I wouldn't pressurise him to do anything he didn't feel ready to do etc etc. Basically bent over backwards. NO REPLY. Nada, he has refused to discuss anything apart from basically telling me that he wanted me to go as far away as possible to give birth as he would not be able to give me any sort of support. This has been going on for around 6 months. I sort of feel I should be over it now and I do have good days but I have started to dream about him and her a lot...which does not help. Plus filled with hormones and cry at the drop of a hat!!!

Also I have been off work for the past three months so finances are shit as I am getting sick pay and have to move back in with my mum who is also my birthing partner! So at the age of nearly 40 I am not only facing lone parenting but also feel like I have lost all my independnence. On a positive note, coming back home means being near family and friends and I wouldn't be without them. My mums house is big enough that my daughter will have her own room and we are not ontop of each other. I plan to move out again after my mat leave is over. Also, I have longed for a child and if you asked me to chose between facing 9 months of shit and not having my child I would chose 9 months of shit anytime :)

I am totally cool with him not being at birth etc as I know he would sit there giving me the evil eye the whole time. In reality I would love to NEVER have to see his face again, however, that would not be fair on my daughter. BUt I will never chase him, I will never beg him to step up. At the end of the day it is his loss.

What has helped me on my really shitty days, of which there has been many, especially now at the end when it is all becoming so real that I am alone, is that everything that is in my head is just thougts and they cant harm me. I have survived the whole pregnancy with thoughts of abandoment, disappointment, hurt etc etc and I am still here! And in time these thoughts will lessen.

big hug to everyone

xxx

I am just sitting here cheering you ladies on (sorry, that is not meant to sound patronising, but 'girls' was worse!) - you are all sounding so much stronger in each subsequent post.

It is going to take time to repair the self-confidence and self-belief that has been chipped and chipped and chipped at until it's in fragments around your feet, but with every post, I see you all growing in both.

Hello all,

I do not feel strong right now, I'm sat in the dentist waiting room - I hate the dentist and haven't been for 5 years!! And will go straight from here to mediation. I'm biting back tears, I'm terrified at my feelings of seeing him. I have the worst heartburn and fear throwing up there!

All that gets me through is knowing I will hold my daughter in the coming months.

The only 2 roads I see are either awful animosity whilst we sort the house and then no involvement from him or the prospect of trying to be amicable parents and ignore the undercurrent of animosity! The road where we could be friends and good parents with separate lives has all but disappeared

I will update you on how the mediation goes.

Hello Flumpy - I used to dread the dentist too. It is only in the past three years that I have found a surgery that I feel reasonably relaxed in.
In general, they all seem to be far better with dealing with nervous patients. So, tell them before they do anything that you are nervous. Tell them that you have heartburn, and see how it goes.
I had an appointment with the hygienist a week ago, and she was quite happy to stop whenever I felt it got too much. :)

Hope the mediation goes well - just do your best to retain your composure and dignity.

Flumpy, thinking of you and your mediation. I hope it is going as ok as it can. Update us later.

me and STBXH communicate only by text or email at the moment. and then we end up arguing most of the time.

Just try and remain calm and be the bigger person and let him show himself up.

Hope the mediation goes well, thinking of you, I am dreading seeing my ex again :( Went to Ikea this am and bought some stuff for the nursery. Made me sad though as a) lots of couples and b) me and the ex went to Ikea quite often. But feel a bit better now I am getting stuff in the nursery and it is looking OK. Just cant wait to have my little girl now and something new to focus on than sitting here like Ms Havisham, lol. That is the worst bit being alone and pregnant. You cant exactly go out and get pissed and pick up a bloke to make yourself feel better, ha ha. I think that is why it feels even worse when the ex is off galivanting with someone else....because they can, and they are not thinking of you!

Been watching that show midwives, last night they had young kids having babies and the fathers turned up for the births. I am thinking, what would make a 36 year old, proffessional (and unfortunately esteemed in his proffession) ignore a pregnant woman and refuse to talk to her and be at the birth. That is where I am at now, trying to understand what makes someone act like this...doubt I will ever get an answer though :(

Also, and I know there is no answer to this but isnt that what this thread is about, just spewing out random thoughts and worries, why the hurry to move his new gf into his flat after a few months? And I know she knows I am pregnant. That is the worst feeling, I have no idea what he is saying to her, probably that I tricked him etc, that I am a bad person, that is the worst thing. The person you confided in is now probably sitting there talking shit about you! Its just been such a whirl wind, you know, bam your pregnant, (unplanned), bam your friend and ex wont talk to you and then bam, he is shacked up with someone else. Oh now I just made myself cry....damn these hormones and emotions. I know in the long run I am so much better off without a person who can't even meet face to face and talk practicalities around his child but hey....I will get through this...sorry just had to spew that out!

aww Angelle. I know how you feel, but without the hormones.....

I say that the man he is now, is not the man he was then. I still and grieve for the person I have lost, but that is not the same man that I have to deal with now.

It annoys me that my ex is on holiday, all his friends and family probably thinking, aww Poor Mr SBS really needs a holiday after everything he has been through. Yes because walking out on your wife and 4yo must be sooooo upsetting for him mustnt it. and lets not forget the fact that he said he couldnt have holidays as his business had to come first, that he couldnt have DD in the holidays as business had to come first. But he can swan off to bloody Majorca.

Bitter and twisted? You bet I am!!!

I will let it go one day I promise.....

All you can do is try and see the man for who he is now. I know how hard it is believe me, I am still going through it.

But guess who gets to see DD in her school uniform tomorrow, all dressed up for the first time. Thats right, me. Not him.

angelelle I tend not to go places where me and my ex went and thats basically everywhere! It has got a lot better i left my ex at 10w and i still feel the same but anger towards him.

As for getting pissed i agree! I use to smoke and got the point i bought a packet of 10 a few weeks ago it, smoked them all and i feel 100x better with all the stress.

Its not fair one bit but men have there own way of dealing with problems they can't handle most leave women(fucking bastards)

I wouldn't care what he says to her as i have always said only me and my ex partner know the truth same your ex.

He will lose out on loads seeing your daughter for time when born, first cuddles and kisses. He will regret one day!!

skye That sounds lovely start to your day tomorrow!! I bet you will hold them tears back!

Thank xmas, yes that is what I think. He will miss out on the wonderful bonding, the first smile, first words etc etc. And he may be able to live with that...or he may regret it. Not my problem. I know things will get easier, crying is a way to relieve the tension and I do feel better after it :) And like SKye says, we are grieving for the people we knew or thought we knew. Not the people they become. I know a friend of mine got left when her DS was one, hubby had an affair behind her back for the whole year prior to that!!! She felt that she had been a bad judge or character but sometimes it takes time for someone to show their true colours...or a crisis...or what they perceive to be a crisis :) ie a baby!! Anyway, just sorted out life insurance and am working on will now so being proactive which is good. Obviously he doesnt consider he has any responsibility to provide for child. Also spoke to a male friend who was very supportive and offered to have ex desposed off...ha ha. Was tempted but need to hit him up for money. Oh and Skye. I dont call it bitter, I think bitter is if you remain in this state for years and years and let it eat you up. We are angry, disappointed, shocked etc etc and rightly so...

It seems like it cant get any worse, once you are at your lowest you cant got any lower expect rise upwards.

Cry away if it helps, makes it worse when you keep in then have a big cry and end up with a migrane(ive done it many times)

Its even better when you dont have have a man all the choices are yours, e.g names! The name i picked he would of died and said no! I dont give a shit if he hates it! lol.

He seems oblivious to everything! My ex hasn't paid what i get in 2 weeks he gets in a day! Hes a bastard. But i am waiting, i will have my son and ring up the CSA.

He will no that money each month is going towards HIS son he will NEVER see. Oh i sound a right bitch

Better to be angry and empowered and get cracking with things that will benefit your child. I had chosen a lovely name, made the big mistake when I was trying to get ex involved of telling him, he obviously had no opinion. But now I feel it is tainted as I told him and thinking of new names...lol, know it sounds stupid but I dont want him to know anything about anything right now, like you say, we can make all the choices about what we do which is great :)

I dont either! I didnt even want to tell anyone, but he will get told by someone else he has a son, then again when hes born. My town is very small. How awful must you feel when that happens!!! I told him the 3 i had and picked one but he dont know anything. Its staying that way to, hes just a sperm doner in my eyes now!!!

His loss not yours, even though you might see it as yours not but in a few months you wont. Women ALWAYS make the best choices