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Original poster

Please help me...

148 replies

Desperatedaddy · 27/04/2012 11:35

Hello everyone - please help me. This is the first time I have ever used a forum/vehicle like this one to ask for help, but I am on my knees and hope there is someone out there who can help me. In summary, I am a seperated dad with the most amazing 3yr old son. I seperated from my partner of 6 years, 2 years ago now. We were engaged to be married, and were blessed with the most amazing gift in the form of our son. I ended our relationship, which was the single most difficult decision I have ever made in my life, and it was not made lightly. I have spent the past 2 years doing everything possible and everything in my power to show that I want to be an active, involved, loving and caring father for our son and that the decision to end a relationship is unrelated to my committment as a father. I was there every step of the way through my ex partners pregnancy, was there every moment of my sons birth and have been there ever since from all perspective including of course financial support (it is not even a question, and never will be), child care support etc. The desperate situation I find myself in is that despite 2 years of hard work, several mediation sessions (I initiated them, paid for them etc.) and quite literally begging on my part, there are many examples of visitation arrangements, contact arrangements, holidays, phone calls etc. that have been broken, breached and disregarded. I have tried everything on this earth possible to avoid courts and contact orders because I love my son, want his mom (who is a good mother to our soon, I hasten to add) to do well and just want to get on with being brilliant parents. I feel that I now need help, and that the court is the only option to issue a contact order to protect the very precious little time my son has with his dad. I live 1 mile from my son, have never, ever, ever missed a single appointment, a single moment of time together, a single phone call etc. etc.

Does anyone have any advice for me? My heart is broken, and I feel like I continue to be punished through the medium of my son's access to me and I can't see an end in sight. I am so desperately in need of help. Please share any experiences you have or know of with me and offer me some help...

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 27/04/2012 12:20

Even the most badly behaved dad is usually granted fair contact!

You sound lovely. It will be fine. Contact 'families need fathers', they can help you with this. Good luck!

happyhappymummy · 27/04/2012 12:42

Oh poor you :( Im sorry to hear your situation.
I cant understand why your ex is not sticking to your arrangement for the sake of your son. Does she give a reason for the broken agreements? On how many occasions has this been broken?
There are so many men that walk away from the relationship and their responsibilities (mine included)
You said it yourself you have tried everything and if court is your only option, so be it?
Im sorry Im not much help. All I can say is from a broken home myself. It wont go unnoticed. Your son knows you love him and will continue to see how much and how much support you give.

ScroobiousPip · 27/04/2012 13:03

My own perspective (as a lawyer, although not a family lawyer) is that court is really a last resort because the animosity it is likely to create in your ex-p is likely to destroy any possibility of co-parenting you son in the future.

Of course, co-parenting simply isn't an option for many parents but, if it is, I think I'd try and do what you can to facilitate that. My guess is that your ex still feels very hurt at being left 'holding the baby' - the first year or two after birth is often a very vulnerable time for new mothers so to have a partner leave then can create a lot of extra anger and grief over and above the usual end of relationship feelings. I'm not excusing your ex - she needs to separate out your relationship with her from your relationship with your son - but that may take time.

The questions happy has asked are good ones. You need to get in your ex's head if you are to stand a chance of reaching a common understanding as parents. So, that's about understanding how she feels, why she has broken arrangements (is it her own anger or are the sessions poorly timed in terms of naps etc). How have you communicated with her about these incidents, what has been her reasoning? Why did you leave after the birth? How did you communicate that to her? What was her reaction? Are you able to expand on her perspective?

NotaDisneyMum · 27/04/2012 13:48

How have you communicated with her about these incidents, what has been her reasoning? Why did you leave after the birth? How did you communicate that to her? What was her reaction? Are you able to expand on her perspective?

I would have thought mediation would have been the place for those issues to be brought out into the open, as they haven't - it is unlikely that they will be now.

If mediation hasn't brought about a resolution, then I am inclined to agree that court is your only option, OP.

Time is of the essence - a court will endeavour to maintain the status quo - so the more established a routine has become, the more likely it is for a court to order that it is maintained - even if the routine that has been in place significantly restricts contact to far less than would otherwise have been recommended.

PoorAudreyHorseface · 27/04/2012 22:35

Why did you leave your partner?

balia · 28/04/2012 14:42

How is that relevant, Audrey?

It seems you have exhausted every avenue other than court, OP, and you now have to consider the effect of this hostility and uncertainty on your DS. My DH went through something very similar with his ex, although luckily the decision to go to court was made easier for him because after months of messing about, his ex refused all contact.

It is a roller-coaster of an experience, and very long-drawn out. You probably won't get everything you want. But at the end of it all, DSS did get the regular, consistent contact that he needed to have a relationship with his Dad.

And Olympia2012's advice is excellent - FNF are really helpful and can guide you through the system. You don't have to have a solicitor, you can represent yourself.

PoorAudreyHorseface · 28/04/2012 19:45

"How is that relevant, Audrey?"

Just curious as to what would make a man walk out on his partner and one year old child?

Xenia · 28/04/2012 19:49

You said "mom". Are you in America?

oohlordylordy · 28/04/2012 19:58

SOrry, but I want to know why he left too.

You don't upsticks and leave the things you love most in the world without a ruddy good reason. And (IMHO) it is stupid to walk out on your wife and baby and then expect your wife to co-operate fully from day 1 because you now wish to 'co-parent' rather than be in a loving relationship with your wife.

Also, can I ask what time you do see your DS on a weekly basis? What are you looking for?

hathorkicksass · 28/04/2012 20:00

I walked out on my ex.

The reasons for that do not affect my ability to co-parent.

It's not relevant to the discussion and a court won't see it as relevant.

oohlordylordy · 28/04/2012 20:01

Oops, just realised they weren't married.

Therefore, I think it's also important to understand whether the engagement came before, after or because of the pregnancy.

Some women (myself included) only want to have children within a marriage. Not because any piece of paper is going to give you a guarentee, but it protects you and the children should your OH decide that co-parenting is a much better idea than a family.

hathorkicksass · 28/04/2012 20:03

I was married to my ex.

I still left.

The reasons for that are irrelevant to our co-parenting.

oohlordylordy · 28/04/2012 20:05

It is relevant, Hathor.

YOU walked out. YOU have no problems with co-parenting (because, in fact, that is what YOU wanted)

OP walked out. OP has no problems with co-parenting (because, in fact, that is what OP wanted)

MAybe.. just maybe... the OP's ex does not want this, does not what to co-parent. OK, maybe she SHOULD get over it, but it IS relevant.

hathorkicksass · 28/04/2012 20:06

Oohlordy - read some of my other threads.

I have issues with co-parenting. Massive issues.

You shouldn't be so quick to make assumptions.

The legal position is that the reasons for the split are irrelevant.

hathorkicksass · 28/04/2012 20:07

Oh and the issues with co-parenting are real and genuine and not just some airy fairy arty farty notion that I took one day because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Your post is offensive.

swallowedAfly · 28/04/2012 20:09

sad that you chose to leave (despite her being a good mum, you being happy only a short time before etc) when your child was what - one? so you walked out on the relationship in the first year of parenthood?

as someone else asked how much do you see your child now and how much are you hoping to achieve?

also if you're american our experiences in the uk probably won't have much in common with legal situation in another country.

swallowedAfly · 28/04/2012 20:11

i'm surprised you'd be willing to coparent given what you've said about your ex hathor - i wouldn't let my child near him - would be over my dead body that he got time alone with any child of mine.

hathorkicksass · 28/04/2012 20:13

Sadly, SAF, the courts were not sympathetic given that I could not produce sufficient evidence.

It is beyond ridiculous to assume that the party who leaves is always in the wrong.

And I am very very very angry that I am being judged for leaving.

oohlordylordy · 28/04/2012 20:14

Hathor - I have read some of your threads and am not in any way trying to be offensive, so for that I apologise. My point was that it is just easier to deal with if you have thought through / considered co-parenting before being told it's happening.

BUT, I have lived through this. With details too long and personal to write on a public forum... I have seen a mum go to the ends of the earth to disrupt a relationship with their dad, even though he did everything for the kids. it wasn't enough. She wanted him to do it for HER. And he couldn't / didn't. It's all ended up OK, I suppose. But, I do think that it is relevant that if the EX feels hard done to in some way, that this sort of behaviour does happen. (Child alienation or parent alienation?).

It's hard to understand what reason a person would give for leaving a previously happy relationship, a new baby and a good mum and just expect everything to continue hunky dory. Life doesn't always work like that.

hathorkicksass · 28/04/2012 20:15

But you don't know it was a happy relationship - patently it wasn't if he left.

oohlordylordy · 28/04/2012 20:16

Hathor - I am NOT judging for leaving. I am saying that YOUR decision to leave DOES impact your ability to co-parent properly. I am not judging the OP's reason for leaving, simply saying that - depending on that reason - could explain the OP's ex's behaviour.

hathorkicksass · 28/04/2012 20:17

oohlordy - my decision to leave does affect my ability to co-parent, and it makes it very difficult. It does not make it easy. I hate co-parenting with every fibre of my being.

You don't get it.

hathorkicksass · 28/04/2012 20:18

And where is there a law that says you have to stay in a relationship that makes you miserable, whether you're male or female?

oohlordylordy · 28/04/2012 20:22

Hathor - I do get it, honestly, I do. What I'm putting out there right now isn't my PERSONAL opinion of how things should work.

I'm just saying that it is possible that:

Hate co-parenting + feels very betrayed = uncoperative parent

As I said, I have read some of your threads (kind of new here, so still catching up)

hathorkicksass · 28/04/2012 20:23

Well the advice to the Op is what I always trot out on these threads, which is go to court and get a court order in place and make sure it's enforced.

The court will not take the reasons for leaving into account.