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Original poster

Please help me...

148 replies

Desperatedaddy · 27/04/2012 11:35

Hello everyone - please help me. This is the first time I have ever used a forum/vehicle like this one to ask for help, but I am on my knees and hope there is someone out there who can help me. In summary, I am a seperated dad with the most amazing 3yr old son. I seperated from my partner of 6 years, 2 years ago now. We were engaged to be married, and were blessed with the most amazing gift in the form of our son. I ended our relationship, which was the single most difficult decision I have ever made in my life, and it was not made lightly. I have spent the past 2 years doing everything possible and everything in my power to show that I want to be an active, involved, loving and caring father for our son and that the decision to end a relationship is unrelated to my committment as a father. I was there every step of the way through my ex partners pregnancy, was there every moment of my sons birth and have been there ever since from all perspective including of course financial support (it is not even a question, and never will be), child care support etc. The desperate situation I find myself in is that despite 2 years of hard work, several mediation sessions (I initiated them, paid for them etc.) and quite literally begging on my part, there are many examples of visitation arrangements, contact arrangements, holidays, phone calls etc. that have been broken, breached and disregarded. I have tried everything on this earth possible to avoid courts and contact orders because I love my son, want his mom (who is a good mother to our soon, I hasten to add) to do well and just want to get on with being brilliant parents. I feel that I now need help, and that the court is the only option to issue a contact order to protect the very precious little time my son has with his dad. I live 1 mile from my son, have never, ever, ever missed a single appointment, a single moment of time together, a single phone call etc. etc.

Does anyone have any advice for me? My heart is broken, and I feel like I continue to be punished through the medium of my son's access to me and I can't see an end in sight. I am so desperately in need of help. Please share any experiences you have or know of with me and offer me some help...

OP posts:
hathorkicksass · 29/04/2012 19:46

I actually did walk out in the middle of the night and leave my kids. If I hadn't I would have killed him. And that is the complete and utter truth.

Came back the next day and got them as soon as I had sorted somewhere to go, but I did walk out and leave them.

oohlordylordy · 29/04/2012 20:53

Hathor - I have a lot of respect for you. And what you have been through. I would just like you to know that.

balia · 29/04/2012 23:15

putting your emotional needs ahead of your children is abusive? Right?

Nope - and not even close to what I said.

But let us, for the moment, leave the idea that people, parents, male or female, should be entitled to leave a relationship in which they are miserable without forfeiting their relationship with thier children...

What should a 'good' father do? Stay in a relationship they are miserable in? For how long? And if they are, in fact, as entitled to happiness as anyone else, and they make the tough decision to leave... what does a good father do in the face of his ex-wife's distress/heartbreak/emotonal anxiety/issues about trust?

swallowedAfly · 30/04/2012 08:08

i'd say a 'good father' would at least give a year to trying to make it work with the partner he chose to have a child with and apparently was happy with up to that point. they were happy when she had the baby - he'd walked out before the baby was even one.

NotaDisneyMum · 30/04/2012 08:55

What about a 'good mother'? Should she stay in an unhappy relationship for a year, too? I rarely see that advice on the relationship boards.

The double standards on this thread are incredible Angry

WhippingGirl · 30/04/2012 09:17

balia - the way i feel about these siuations is based on experience. in my younger days i would have been suitably outraged at any mums witholding contact. then i got a bit older and friends started having kids. amongst people i know there are few mums who withold contact just to be bloody minded. to the point where i think one of my female friends maybe ought to until the ex maintains some consistency with the kid and or coughs up some maintenance (yes i know its not pay per view but every sit is different)

i have a male friend who no longer sees his children because he moved abroad but didnt see them much before that. i dont know exactly why but i do know he lost his job in a child care field because he lost his temper and threw equipment at a child. i can only speculative what he may have been like within that relationship.

when i hear these sob stories from dads i mostly think hmmmm i bet theres a good reason why you dont see your kids/that much because most separated couples i know have reasonable access arrangements.

my ex has no consideration for the dc needs, only his own. i am insisting on routine and consistent contact that is age appropriate. it would be self serving to me to accept ex proposal of contact - i'd love that much time off! just think the dc are too little atm but they will get older

going back to the op, its hard to make a judgement without knowing what the mediator suggested and how much the mum is deviating from this and what her reasons are

WhippingGirl · 30/04/2012 09:18

swallowedafly - sorry but i disagree. i spend far too long with exp thinking i had to put up with his shit for my dc sake. i wish he had walked out after a year - my dc and i would be much better off!

hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 13:20

I'm a good mother.

Or at least I think I am.

I didn't stay.

So?

swallowedAfly · 30/04/2012 13:31

yes but you didn't walk out on your child did you whippinggirl. this guy walked out on his child within a year. it is different imo.

swallowedAfly · 30/04/2012 13:32

as if anyone on here has said someone should stay with an abusive partner hathor. not only you should you get yourself and your kids out as soon as you realise what you're dealing with you should then imo go to any lengths necessary to make sure they are never left alone with him again.

swallowedAfly · 30/04/2012 13:33

with all due respect every thread i see you on you take totally unrelated stuff and turn it around to be about you and a personal attack upon you Confused there is no attack here - no one has criticised you for leaving and there are no parallels between leaving an abusive man and leaving a woman you were perfectly happy with ten minutes ago when she is caring for a very young baby.

hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 13:34

As I have asked you repeatedly SAF, you are implying that I haven't done the right thing by my kids - given that I have no proof that would stand up in court, how exactly would you propose I do that?

swallowedAfly · 30/04/2012 13:35

i'm not implying anything - i'm sayign what i believe and what i'd do.

PERSONALLY i'd move to the other side of the planet with 10p in my pocket before i left my son alone with an abuser.

swallowedAfly · 30/04/2012 13:36

and i'm not joking or exaggerating. i'd have been long gone and untraceable before he even had time to realise i'd left him.

there's no court in the land that could stop me protecting my child.

hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 13:36

ok so how would you propose I do that without breaking the law?

swallowedAfly · 30/04/2012 13:59

i'm not saying anything about what you should do - everyone makes their own decisions, priorities, paths etc in life. i'm saying what i would do. i would happily break every law in the land to protect my son.

swallowedAfly · 30/04/2012 14:00

for me it goes way deeper than 'the law' - you know? it's animal instinct level. the law could go fuck itself. i'd kill to protect him.

hathorkicksass · 30/04/2012 14:04

He is not a danger to the children, it's me he has/had the problem with, not them.

And I have to obey the law.

oohlordylordy · 30/04/2012 19:41

SAF - I agree with you.

HAthor - What you did was get out for the sake of sanity, get your kids out and then abide by the law, for which you are to be commended (and most probably deserve a medal for). But, as you say, he is not a danger to the children. but (and it's a big but) you DID NOT leave the children with him and call him a good father and then bitch about your rights as a NRP.

Whippinggirl - I think your point is very valid (re. once you have kids you see things differently)

For me, I see it like this: I had pretty bad (undiagnosed) PND with my second child for about 9 months. My DH worked away 5 days a week and I also had a 14mo DS (who has SN and was a handful even at that age). I was (I am sure) a ruddy nightmare to live with. If my DH had thrown in the towel and walked away because he didn't like the way I buttered toast I would have done more than not let him see the kids.

Even now, I do 99% of the childcare. Even on weekends, it's my DH who needs a nap or time off or time for his hobbies. I do not have a problem with this. But if he walked away tomorrow and left me in an emotional, financial and social hole, I would not accept co-parenting. Just my situation. (and thankfully hypothetical).

I'm just saying that one person in a relationship changing the goal posts does not mean the other person in that relationship has to bend over to accomodate.

oohlordylordy · 30/04/2012 19:44

In fact, I'd put it like this:

If he told me tomorrow that we were going from 99:1 ratio on my looking after the children to 50:50 I would say no.

If I told him tomorrow that we were going to a 50:50 ratio on earning AND childcare, HE would say no.

I don't have a say on what he does / wants to do with his career.
The upshot of that is that I have the say on what happens re. the kids.
And that remains the same regardless of whether we were married, separated or divorced.

That is all.

WhippingGirl · 30/04/2012 21:26

olordy - i really appreciate your post because thats how i feel about my split - and it kind of makes my feelings a bit more valid iyswim

re the walking out on his kid after a year etc - yes he left the relaitionship BUT since he alleges he is making a huge effort to maintain contact that isnt walking out imo - walking out is just leaving someone in the lurch. if he is telling the truth then this is not the case.

i dont think ending a relationship is a reason to be punished by having contact witheld - a child is so much more than anyones relationship but i stand by my earlier thoughts - i'd want to know the mum's story before i rush to dads defense.

oohlordylordy · 01/05/2012 06:20

No, of course, whippinggirl, a child shouldn't be a weapon to punish a parent.

There is just something about the OP that doesn't quite ring true, iykwim. Take, for instance, he mentions missed phone calls... Err... He actually schedules phone calls with a three year old?? Now, I am not parenting guru, but I do own a 2 and a 3 yo, and I know I could not schedule them to be in happy, calm and talkative mood a week on Wednesday at 4.30 precisely!

And, should me phone ring while I am feeding, bathing, reading to my children, I will not answer the phone, whether or not I'm expecting a call. Presumably, the OP didn't expect the children to schedule their lives around him before the split so it is unreasonable for him to do so after the split and infer that his partner is limited or damaging contact because she won't organise her life and the life of her child around her ex.

Yes, I am assuming an awful lot about the OP, but from his one post, he sounds immature and selfish. And he doesn't sound like he knows a lot about children.

swallowedAfly · 01/05/2012 06:51

yes that phonecall bit stands out. scheduled phonecalls demanded with a 3yo? talk on demand with a toddler is not exactly easy to provide.

hathorkicksass · 01/05/2012 07:47

Maybe I'm being thick, but where does it say that the phone calls were "scheduled" in the OP and where does it say that they were demanded by the OP?

swallowedAfly · 01/05/2012 07:49

there are many examples of visitation arrangements, contact arrangements, holidays, phone calls etc. that have been broken, breached and disregarded.

included in the list of arrangements that have been broken or breached or disregarded.

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