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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Please help me...

148 replies

Desperatedaddy · 27/04/2012 11:35

Hello everyone - please help me. This is the first time I have ever used a forum/vehicle like this one to ask for help, but I am on my knees and hope there is someone out there who can help me. In summary, I am a seperated dad with the most amazing 3yr old son. I seperated from my partner of 6 years, 2 years ago now. We were engaged to be married, and were blessed with the most amazing gift in the form of our son. I ended our relationship, which was the single most difficult decision I have ever made in my life, and it was not made lightly. I have spent the past 2 years doing everything possible and everything in my power to show that I want to be an active, involved, loving and caring father for our son and that the decision to end a relationship is unrelated to my committment as a father. I was there every step of the way through my ex partners pregnancy, was there every moment of my sons birth and have been there ever since from all perspective including of course financial support (it is not even a question, and never will be), child care support etc. The desperate situation I find myself in is that despite 2 years of hard work, several mediation sessions (I initiated them, paid for them etc.) and quite literally begging on my part, there are many examples of visitation arrangements, contact arrangements, holidays, phone calls etc. that have been broken, breached and disregarded. I have tried everything on this earth possible to avoid courts and contact orders because I love my son, want his mom (who is a good mother to our soon, I hasten to add) to do well and just want to get on with being brilliant parents. I feel that I now need help, and that the court is the only option to issue a contact order to protect the very precious little time my son has with his dad. I live 1 mile from my son, have never, ever, ever missed a single appointment, a single moment of time together, a single phone call etc. etc.

Does anyone have any advice for me? My heart is broken, and I feel like I continue to be punished through the medium of my son's access to me and I can't see an end in sight. I am so desperately in need of help. Please share any experiences you have or know of with me and offer me some help...

OP posts:

PostBellumBugsy · 01/05/2012 16:20

oohlordy, I'm not sure it is a valid legal perspective. Children have a right to see their parents & it sounds as though the OP's ex-P is denying her child that right.

hathorkicksass · 01/05/2012 16:23

SAF - but the mother isn't the sole parent.

And from the OP (who hasn't been back) - he wants to be involved and have a relationship with his child (not a newborn baby now but a 3 year old), and his ex-partner is frustrating that.

PostBellumBugsy · 01/05/2012 16:24

but swallowed that attitude is wrong. As it happens, I am a single parent & my ex-H left when my youngest was one. I pushed really hard to make him see the DCs, because even though I despised him with every bone in my body, I believe that it is important for children to have a relationship with both parents & I felt that the DCs had a right to spend time with their father - whether he liked it or not!
I also didn't think it was all about me - I actually thought it was all about making the mess work as well as it possibly could for the DCs.

swallowedAfly · 01/05/2012 16:24

a baby might have a hypothetical 'right' to see it's biological father. it has far more important needs though - like a healthy, sane, rested, fed, non-stressed, non-depressed mother - essential for it's survival and well being and healthy development.

hathorkicksass · 01/05/2012 16:24

Post - I agree completely with what you've said.

PostBellumBugsy · 01/05/2012 16:25

and correction, I'm not a single parent - I am the DCs primary carer!

swallowedAfly · 01/05/2012 16:25

and do the kids have a regular relationship with him postbellum - did he see them regularly?

hathorkicksass · 01/05/2012 16:26

A baby has a legal right to have a relationship with it's father. And the court will take the view that contact with the father should be facilitated.

It's also essential for the healthy emotional development of the child to have a relationship with their father.

swallowedAfly · 01/05/2012 16:27

if the father bothers to court yes they will.

funnily enough no one is bothered about these babies legal rights when fathers refuse - only the fathers right to see them when he actually wants to.

doesn't sound child centric to me or anything to do with the rights of children - all about men's rights rather.

PostBellumBugsy · 01/05/2012 16:34

swallowed, yes the children do spend time with their Dad, every second weekend & for 3 weeks of holiday a year.
ex-H is a lazy arse & initially (when the DCs were tiny & hard work & didn't fit with his new glam living it up lifestyle) he tried his best to duck out of seeing them, or only have them for a couple of hours on a Saturday. I had it written into our financial agreement that he had to see them for what I've described above (probably not legally binding, but seemed to work for him) and 9 years on, he actually thanks me for ensuring he has such a good relationship with them!!!!

swallowedAfly · 01/05/2012 16:36

no hathor it is not essential to healthy emotional development of children to have a relationship with their father.

plenty of women on mn have children who do not have a relationship with their father and who are emotionally healthy thanks.

there are widows, women who have left abusive partners, lesbians etc on mn all of whom can raise emotionally healthy children. do think what you're saying.

glad it all worked out for the best postbellum

oohlordylordy · 01/05/2012 16:37

Couldn't agree with SAF more.

NO one gives a hoot when the FATHER doesn't want a relationship.
Only a few people have stopped to consider that the OP doesn't want to consider courts (even though he's heart broken / on his knees / etc etc.)

And, actually, if a parent decides to leave... what about the rights of the CHILD? My DS couldn't cope with that (some SN). Nor would I allow it. I am, as his mother, appointed to look after his needs as best as possible. He has grown accustomed to his current situation. I would move heaven and earth not to upset him. Whatever that meant to me or my husband.

hathorkicksass · 01/05/2012 16:38

SAF - and there are plenty of kids who haven't had relationships with their dads who are not emotionally healthy and feel they missed out.

And it's not about what either party would allow or not allow - it's about what is best for the child.

oohlordylordy · 01/05/2012 16:38

ex-H is a lazy arse & initially (when the DCs were tiny & hard work & didn't fit with his new glam living it up lifestyle) he tried his best to duck out of seeing them, or only have them for a couple of hours on a Saturday.

Do you think he saw it like that post? #alwaystwosides

ChocHobNob · 01/05/2012 16:39

"funnily enough no one is bothered about these babies legal rights when fathers refuse - only the fathers right to see them when he actually wants to."

Who has said that on here? Can you vouch for everyone then, that this is how they feel? Or are you yet again making assumptions.

In fact, I said the EXACT opposite on this thread. That we should be making sure it is not seen to be OK for a man to walk away from a child and leave it all to the mother.

The "baby" is 3 now. The parents have been separated for 2 years. The Mother needs to overcome the hurt and anger and focus on what is best for the child now. This isn't a recent split. This has been going on for 2 years. The father is finally at the end of his tether and doesn't know what else to do. So all that is left is mediation and a court order to protect the child's right to have uninterrupted contact with his father.

oohlordylordy · 01/05/2012 16:40

Maybe we should be asking your Ex about his thoughts on whether he is a lazy arse? Did he pay CS / maintenence? ?

PostBellumBugsy · 01/05/2012 16:44

I gave a hoot oohlordy - I gave a huge hoot that ex-H was a lazy arse who couldn't be bothered. Whilst I don't think it is essential for healthy emotional development - I do think that if both parents are functional human beings, that children benefit from being connected with both & have a right to see both.
I've got friends who've been through divorces too, with equally lazy / disinclined ex's who've bullied & cajoled their ex's into spending time with their own children too.

PostBellumBugsy · 01/05/2012 16:46

you can ask away oohlordy. Yes, he paid maintenance - but not until I took him to court. I imagine he would see himself as a paragon of virtue, depsite having an affair & leaving me with the DCs, one of whom was only just 1 - but he is hardly going to self describe as a "lazy arse" now is he?!

oohlordylordy · 01/05/2012 17:16

So, could actually sound a bit like the OP, then?

#JustAsking

PostBellumBugsy · 01/05/2012 17:25

I can't see a similarity myself oohlordy. Sounds like the OP is trying really hard to see his son and has also provided financial support all along - the polar opposite from my ex-H, as far as I can tell.

This is why it is great the judges don't take all the emotional baggage into consideration. Most couples split with a degree of animosity and find it hard to see things from any other perspecitive than their own. The judge cuts through all that crap & looks at what is best for the child & what is realistic.

balia · 01/05/2012 19:21

NO one gives a hoot when the FATHER doesn't want a relationship.

Forcing someone to spend time with a child is not considered to be a safe thing to do. For the child.

Have you ever been involved in a family court case, Ohlordy, SAF? You both seem to know an awful lot about how it works but your views do not correspond with my own experience, at all.

Only a few people have stopped to consider that the OP doesn't want to consider courts

Could that possibly be because taking the mother of your child to court isn't generally considered to be a conciliatory step? That it can make a difficult situation worse? That generally the advice would be that it is the last resort? That it is expensive, stressful (for all concerned) time-consuming, intrusive and distressing? That a mother who is willing to derail the child's relationship with a father may well react by refusing all contact?

oohlordylordy · 01/05/2012 21:41

Have you ever been involved in a family court case, Ohlordy, SAF? You both seem to know an awful lot about how it works but your views do not correspond with my own experience, at all.

Oh, dear. OBVIOUSLY SAF and I are wrong then. WHat with not agreeing with you and all...

OP's pretty buggered then. If she's disrupting contact before he's gone to court and court action is only going to make it worse. Rock and a hard place.

I'm signing off for tonight because I'm really really not going to be good company tonight.

Apologies if I've been short. I'm not in a good mood.

CardyMow · 07/05/2012 23:55

My ex walked out on me when our baby was just 4mo. Does that mean that he forfeited the right to a proper relationship with his son? I'll bet he's glad that I don't think that. He walked out on ME, not his dc!

He sees the dc's a minimum of twice a week, arranged to suit HIM around his work shifts. Yes, I was bitter and full of anger at first - but it has never stopped me from making sure that he has a relationship with his dc. Even to the point where his room in a shared house is unsuitable for him to have a baby/toddler in, so he sees the dc at my house.

The OP walked out on his EX, not his child. And if she is putting her child first, she will remember that, no matter how much SHE is hurting, it has no bearing on her Ex's relationship with their child.

Just the thoughts of a Lone Parent mum...

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