Please help me...

[Desperatedaddy]

Hello everyone - please help me. This is the first time I have ever used a forum/vehicle like this one to ask for help, but I am on my knees and hope there is someone out there who can help me. In summary, I am a seperated dad with the most amazing 3yr old son. I seperated from my partner of 6 years, 2 years ago now. We were engaged to be married, and were blessed with the most amazing gift in the form of our son. I ended our relationship, which was the single most difficult decision I have ever made in my life, and it was not made lightly. I have spent the past 2 years doing everything possible and everything in my power to show that I want to be an active, involved, loving and caring father for our son and that the decision to end a relationship is unrelated to my committment as a father. I was there every step of the way through my ex partners pregnancy, was there every moment of my sons birth and have been there ever since from all perspective including of course financial support (it is not even a question, and never will be), child care support etc. The desperate situation I find myself in is that despite 2 years of hard work, several mediation sessions (I initiated them, paid for them etc.) and quite literally begging on my part, there are many examples of visitation arrangements, contact arrangements, holidays, phone calls etc. that have been broken, breached and disregarded. I have tried everything on this earth possible to avoid courts and contact orders because I love my son, want his mom (who is a good mother to our soon, I hasten to add) to do well and just want to get on with being brilliant parents. I feel that I now need help, and that the court is the only option to issue a contact order to protect the very precious little time my son has with his dad. I live 1 mile from my son, have never, ever, ever missed a single appointment, a single moment of time together, a single phone call etc. etc.

Does anyone have any advice for me? My heart is broken, and I feel like I continue to be punished through the medium of my son's access to me and I can't see an end in sight. I am so desperately in need of help. Please share any experiences you have or know of with me and offer me some help...

Doesn't mean he demanded them. Or that they were scheduled by him.

No where does it say that.

Just says they were broken, breached and disregarded.

you need a schedule/arrangement/fixed thing for it to be breached or broken or disregarded.

Agreed.

But how do we know it was fixed BY HIM and not his partner? How do we know he didn't agree to what his partner wanted?

I thought the general consensus was that phone calls are better to be "scheduled" on everyone's part because Resident Parents don't want to have to keep dropping everything to take a phone call and prefer a specific time themselves.

There is a lot of nit picking going on in this thread.

And as for "i'd want to know the mum's story before i rush to dads defense." the same is never said for a Mother posting.

i think the point was that one could see that it would be very easy and understandable not to be able to always meet those scheduled phonecalls with a 3yo who may be asleep unexpectedly, in the middle of a tantrum, not in the mood to speak, etc etc etc.

I wouldn't call it 'nit picking'. I would call it 'Everyone having their own valid opinion based on their own circumstances'

I think Hathor's point very relevant as, no, it doesn't actually say HE scheduled them, I ASSUMED he had (** in my defence, I did say I was assuming an awful lot!!). That assumption was made because if the mother is actually trying to disrupt the relationship, it would seem strange for her to be demanding concrete times for phone calls. Would seem far more realistic to believe she would want to keep any arrangments as vague as possible...

IME, it is the NRP who has to fight for arrangements to be maintained, and I can see this from both sides (I am a SM as well as a mum) and while, yes, it can be frustrating when my DSD's plans change at the last minute and have to be accomodated, I also know that my DC's plans change too (often at short notice, maybe due to sickness or a playdate comes up that they would love to go on) and I don't stick to a rigid routine.

Again, IME, a NRP (especially one who left volutarily) and lives close to the RP and DC and wants to be involved in his child's life offers everything and demands little. That's my view. Others will put their point across, I hope, as it's an interesting discussion.

I said I wanted to hear mins story because this dads story is too perfect sounding and I don't believe him. Actually I prob would default to the RP before I make a judgement anyway. I might think they are being unreasonable but I still want to hear it.

Maybe she misses phone calls because the op goes on at her and or is aggressive or just does her head in.

I don't think the dad's story is too perfect sounding at all. Both Mothers and Fathers can behave badly post separation. I think people prefer to think Dad must be doing something wrong and assume Mum is "perfect" because a lot of the time they reflect their own situation onto the posts.

It would be nice to see a man be able to come onto a forum, ask for advice, be taken on his word (like the women are) and offered support on the merit of his post alone (like the women are).

If the OP is still reading this thread try attending a Families Need Fathers meeting for some advice.

i think the point was that one could see that it would be very easy and understandable not to be able to always meet those scheduled phonecalls with a 3yo who may be asleep unexpectedly, in the middle of a tantrum, not in the mood to speak, etc etc etc.

...and had the OP identified that alone as the issue, then I am sure the replies would have highlighted the difficulties that the RP would face in this situation.
however when taken alongside broken contact, holidays etc, it suggests a pattern of behaviour, rather than unavoidable practicalities, is the cause.

I agree with hobnob - why is this poster being singled out as presenting a one-sided story? Isn't the very nature of a forum like this that OP's is taken at face-value? Or is that respect only given to female members?

Perhaps, just perhaps, the mother is ignoring the phone calls because she doesn't want to facilitate her ex's contact with the child. Because she's bitter he left. Because she's angry. She has every right to be angry, but she has a responsibility to act in her child's best interests post split and should be facilitating contact that has been agreed.

And no, I don't agree a person who decides to split from their partner, deserves to have their relationship with their child obstructed and limited by their ex. The OP left his relationship with his partner, he did not leave his child.

Er. Choc, I hate to break it to you, but yes... he did.

The bond between a mother and child at that age (babe in arms, almost certainly BF in some form) when he left meant that he did, in effect, also leave his child.

I'm not saying that (legally) that is the correct view, but I'm afraid if you go and live somewhere else, then you have left your child.

I left my children.

If they had been younger or if I hadn't been able to sort my life out quickly enough I may have effectively not been able to take them.

And I've posted about my ex. Not once has anyone ever said that I'm too perfect and that they want to hear my ex's side of the story.

You're perfectly entitled to your opinion.

Mine is, he did not leave his child. He did not walk out on his child and abandon him. The "norm" is that the child stays with the Mother. Short of him staying in the house (which no doubt would have had a negative effect on the Mother) the only other alternative is to move out and have contact with his child. This is TOTALLY different to a father walking away from his child and never seeing them again.

He moved a mile away. He wants regular contact with his child. Has provided financially. Hasn't missed any appointments he says.

Doing as we do on this site, and taking his word as truth, he is a good father. Lets not go knocking the good fathers. We all want a shift in public opinion that fathers CAN walk away from their children and leave Mum to do all the hard work. We are not going to do that by knocking down the fathers who are trying their best.

Is this about hathor or the OP?

My God. If I hadn't seen this numerous times before on MN I'd keep my mouth shut. But FFS !

More often than not if a male OP posts a problem like this they get subjected to a barrage of suspicion based on assumption, and insinuations that he must, of course, be a bad 'un because he's a male.

It becomes a dissection of the OP by those determined to find fault in him and blind to the fact that this part of MN is about offering people support.

OP. If you haven't wandered off in dismay.

I believe you !

Without boring you with my story, there comes a point where you have no choice but to contact a solicitor and begin court proceedings. Sometimes simply putting those wheels in motion can produce a result.

I completely understand your reluctance to tread that route. It creates long lasting animosity and costs stupid amounts of money. But if you believe it is in your child's best interests to have decent regular contact with their dad without being messed about, and your XP is obstructing this you really don't have any choice.

Poor OP hasn't had a very constructive response on the whole here.

It sounds like he is having a terrible time.

I do think it is useful to know what his ex is thinking, if possible, as that could help be the key to find ways to work around it - for best outcome for the DS who is the biggest loser here if he doesn't get a fair chance of seeing his Dad.

OP, there are many unreasonable people out there male and female and many more again who will be unreasonable in one area out of hurt or other reasons.

If your ex is a great mother in every other respect, but is being unreliable at letting you have access to your son, (assuming you haven't behaved in such a dastardly way to cause it) you have every reason to hope that with time she will eventually see that she needs to give her son a fair opportunity to have his Dad in his life.

We see many threads here from step-mums who struggle to get through the emotional mire their SC's Mum's create and they also receive sympathy as should you.

All you can really do is keep demonstrating you are a good Dad, she then has no ammunition to withhold your DS even if she is hurt herself. I can only begin to imagine how heartbreaking it is to be in the situation you describe.

You sound like a very caring parent and that leads me to believe you would not have left without thinking about it very hard first. you don't sound like a flash in the pan sort of person, based on the snapshot given.

keep your head held high - while you behave like you are doing as the reliable and caring Dad you are, you cannot do more by your son in this situation while your ex holds all the cards.

To be fair, the OP hasn't clarified why he left the need to leave, what level of disruption is being caused to the (mediation agreed??) contact or what other agreements have been reached (financial, meeting new partners etc)

Call me a cynical old hag, but I can think of hundreds of 'dastardly' reasons a man leaves his partner and young child but actually very very few reasons that don't relate to his partner's behaviour (and he has said she is a good mum, so he patently doesn't believe she is violent, takes drugs, drinks etc) (and, yes, I appreciate that Hathor will say that her ex is OK with the kids just not with her, so maybe that is applicable here, but I don't think a woman who posted on MN and said 'My DH beats me, but not the kids, so I'm going to leave him, but leave the kids cos I think he's a good dad' would get a good response....)

Has the OP had a constructive response? I think so. Maybe not the one he wanted / was hoping for. But a fair number of 'across the board' replies and I hope no personal insults to those we disagree with. Which might give him some food for thought on why his Ex is (allegedly) acting the way she is.

FELT the need to leave!

No doubt OP has given lots of thought as to why his ex is not letting him see his son properly.

He is broken hearted and on his knees.

Leaving his ex was the single most difficult decision he has ever made and not done lightly.

He adores his son and has not let his son down.

I just think if the post had been written from the female perspective he would have got a very different response which isn't fair.

I think his post came across as heartfelt and maybe his ex is just not acting in the best interests of her son as she has her own agenda. I have met plenty of ladies who could do this and have not been given just cause by their ex's. So I just don't automatically assume she is behaving this way because of something he has done.

Even if he hasn't been perfect and his story is 'too good to be true' the punishment has to fit the crime and the DS is also suffering.

I haven't read all the posts, I just wanted to add another voice of sympathy as there seemed at the quick-read-through I did that there were enough sceptics chipping in and I wanted a Dad who asked for help from a mainly Mums forum to get some sympathy. If he was a real rotter he could have gone to FFJ for his ego strokes.

So I'm doing the wrong thing?

Err, it isn't about you hathor...

I'm not going to get into the debate about the whys & hows your relationship broke down.

If you are in the UK, your son has a right to spend time with you. If that is not happening at the moment, you should firstly consider mediation & if that fails, then I would imagine that you will have to seek recourse legally.

My cousin was in a very similar position. The lines of communication broke down altogether, where the mum of my nephew would not communicate in any way shape or form with my cousin & she broke all the agreements in place regarding my nephew seeing his father. The case went to court & it was solved quickly & easily, with the judge awarding weekends etc to my cousin.